


Forever is a Promise You Keep

by shelikesthesound



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Drama, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Explicit Language, Explicit Medical Situations, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Romance, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-31
Updated: 2012-06-02
Packaged: 2017-11-06 10:45:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 29
Words: 147,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/417973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shelikesthesound/pseuds/shelikesthesound
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One moment is all it takes for your world to tilt on its axis, making you question every belief you have. After years of dealing with Edward's drug addictions, Bella is forced to do the one thing she never thought possible. Cut ties with Edward. A near-fatal accident, though, forces her to re-examine that decision. Bella faces her greatest challenge as she finds out what love and life really mean.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Don't Need A Hero

**Author's Note:**

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> I am not the owner of Twilight, or any of its respective characters. That honor belongs to Stephanie Meyer. I’m just using them for the purpose of telling this story. I promise I’ll return them in pristine condition when I'm finished. Or, at least, close to it as I can get.

June 10, 2003 

I could not believe what I was seeing.

Wait.

Yes I could.

It wasn’t like that type of behavior was abnormal. I thought, maybe, after the last time, it wouldn’t happen again. I’d started to realize no amount of complaining, pleading, or bitching would change anything. No matter how many times I lectured, it had always fallen on deaf ears.

I closed my eyes and counted to ten, and when I opened them again, the same scene stared back at me. A black Volvo S80 sat in the front yard. Instead of resting in the driveway, it was crookedly parked in the middle of the lawn. I walked over to the car and looked through the windshield.

The driver was asleep and slumped over the steering wheel. His clothes were wrinkled, while his hair was a chaotic mess. _Typical Edward_ , I thought.

The neighbors and I had come to accept his shenanigans. At first, it was an issue. Forks finest had been called out to the house on more than one occasion, usually because Edward was drunk and passed out in his car parked in the yard. Charlie, my dad, had even taken a couple of these calls, much to my embarrassment. Since they had never caught him actually driving while drunk, they stopped coming. We had all become indifferent to his drunken mishaps, because it was the only way to cope with his idiocy.

“Jesus! The lawn is not a driveway, asshole,” I muttered to myself as I stepped back.

 _Well, I suppose coming straight home last night is out of the question_ , I thought sarcastically. I turned toward the house and away from the annoying sight in front of me. It was too early in the morning to deal with his shit. Making sure his drunken ass made it to bed wasn’t my responsibility, nor was it in my job description to keep him from embarrassment. I was his girlfriend, not his mom.

I stepped inside the house and looked around. God, I loved this place. It was the one thing I had let my boyfriend buy that I didn’t throw a fit over. I fell in love with the four bedrooms and three baths the moment I saw it. The home was painted in dull, muted colors when we first bought it. We updated the living room first. The walls were changed to a pale blue with white trim, and the carpet was replaced with light hardwood floors. Light blue and black accent rugs dotted the spaces not covered with furniture.

The kitchen had all of the modern amenities in place before we’d decided to decorate. It was a fairly large space. The cabinets and counters stretched across the entire right wall. The back wall housed the entrance to the laundry room and the back door, while to the left was a large picture window that you could see the garden from. Edward and I had decided in front of the window would be the perfect place for the breakfast table. Off center, toward the right, was an island. The floors were light gray shale, which we’d decided to keep. The walls were given a heather gray color to offset the dark wooden cabinets and granite counter tops.

Our bedroom was a large master suite, with a full sized bathroom attached to it. We chose a maroon, white, and black color scheme. The wall behind our bed became a maroon accent wall and the rest we painted white. The dressers and night tables were black lacquer, and we’d bought a black wrought iron bed to match. The bathroom we kept in classic white with white counters, cabinets, a shower, and a toilet. The shower, though, was big enough to fit four people. There were seven jets placed sporadically around the top and sides of it.

I sighed and moved toward the black leather couch on the far side of the living room to lie down. I never thought at twenty-two I’d be so tired. I turned on my back, contemplating the reasons and events that led me to feel that way. When I first moved back to that Podunk town five years before, I had never imagined my life would turn out the way it had. In the beginning, my move to Forks was supposed to be temporary. I’d do my time and then go to college somewhere sunny. Those plans went out the window the moment I came into contact with bright green eyes and reddish-brown sex hair. From that moment on, nothing in my life mattered if it didn’t include Edward Cullen.

~.~.~.~

Spring – 1998

Fate seemed to have a hand in the events that led me to move. My mother, Renee, was not what many would call maternal. Sure, she cared, but when the bills went unpaid, and you were eating Ramen noodles for the fifth night in a row for dinner, you started to wonder if your mother was all there. Six months before I decided to move, things changed. She met a guy named Phil Dwyer. He was responsible where she was flighty, reserved where she was blunt, and ordered while she was chaotic. It seemed doomed from the beginning, but somehow, they made it work. Deciding they couldn’t live without each other after three months of dating, the pair ended up getting married in Vegas. Having an irresponsible parent that weekend was golden. I thought the Jose Cuervo was still lingering in my system somewhere on the flight to Forks.

After catching the newlyweds humping on the kitchen table, I decided I needed to spend some quality time with Charlie, my dad. Besides, Renee wasn’t going to miss me. It was for the sake of my own sanity, really. Phil’s pasty ass and Mom’s legs sticking up in the air was a sight I was still trying to remove from my brain. Charlie, surprisingly, was quick to agree to take me in. After years of refusing to visit in Forks and making him go to California instead, I figured he’d tell me tough luck. That, thank God, didn’t happen. Even though we’d never been close enough to show our emotions, it was easy to live with Charlie.

The start of my relationship with Edward Cullen, however, wasn’t as simple. I met him my first day of school at Forks High, in first period English. Or, I should say, my ass met him in first period English. I was in a bad mood because my locker had gotten stuck, making me late for class. I could feel everyone’s eyes on me when I entered the room.  My blush grew in intensity with every step I took toward Mr. Berty’s desk. Once he told me where my assigned seat was, I made my way down the row to the back. I tried to avoid the students that were probably whispering about me, with my head down and my hair shielding my face. Two seats away, my foot got caught on something, and I hit the floor with a smack.

My face was angled to the floor, and my ass was stuck up in the air for all to see. Laughter erupted, and after my prayer for a hole to suddenly open up and swallow me went unanswered, I began to get up using what pride I had left. I pushed off the floor with my hands, rising up on my knees and lifted my head. Looking up, I was startled by the brightest green eyes attached to the most stunning boy I had ever seen. He was slouched in his seat, and his auburn hair was lying haphazardly on his head. I let my eyes roam over him and noticed he was wearing a white t-shirt, loose fitting black jeans, and black Chucks. The shirt hugged his lithe and muscular form. His jeans hung low, exposing a peak of his underwear.  I could tell he was tall, maybe six foot two, even though he was sitting down. I looked back up, and the smirk on his face when I met his eyes made my face heat up and my breath quicken. I swiftly stood up and made my way to my desk. Once again, I wished for the ability to disappear.

It took two weeks for me to look him in the eye after my graceful entrance. Edward, on the other hand, was almost obsessed with getting me to talk to him. He would wait for me at my locker before school, pass me notes in class, and stalk me at lunch. I didn’t know what he saw in me. I’d never been one of those girls that guys fell over themselves for.  My bland, lifeless brown hair and dull brown eyes never made me stand out. But, like I said, he saw something in me. And God, he was relentless.

The third week of school, I caved. He was just so intense, and sweet, that I couldn’t resist any longer. We started hanging out in the mornings before the first bell, sipping coffee and chatting about music, books, movies, family, and anything else that popped into our heads. I had gotten to know a lot about Edward during that time. One of those things was that he had an older brother, Emmett, who was a junior at Duke University. At six feet two inches and two hundred and sixty pounds of pure muscle, he was also a defensive guard on the school’s football team. As the eldest, he felt it was his duty to give Edward shit about everything. Edward didn’t mind too much, calling him a “funny motherfucker.” His older sister by two years, Alice, was going to school at the University of Washington. She was the princess of the family, and much to Edward’s chagrin, always gave him grief about his, as she put it, “hobo chic” wardrobe. He loved Alice and her bouncy personality, but wished that she wouldn’t meddle so much in his life. I hung on his every word, eager to understand what made the magnificent boy tick.

Three weeks of discussion led us to friendship. It was during that time he finally started to trust me. Edward wasn’t the type to let his walls down easily, so I worked hard to be someone he would confide in. I also met his best friend, Jasper Whitlock. The bond they shared had been formed when they were in diapers. Their mothers had been best friends, so it was only natural that the boys became close, as well. When I was introduced to him, I thought he was cool. Jasper had the whole alluring rebel persona going for him. While Edward was calculating and aloof, Jasper was impulsive and friendly. Girls flocked to him and guys couldn’t help but admire Jazz. The dynamic of their relationship became apparent early on. Edward was the idea man, and Jasper implemented those ideas. Although both were honor students, they still managed to land themselves in the principal’s office more than once.

The greatest day of my young teenaged life was when Edward asked me to be his girlfriend. Jasper, Edward, and I were sitting in the lunchroom discussing a party that was coming up during the weekend. Jasper asked me if I was going with anyone, and I asked him what he meant. Usually, I’d go with Angela or, if I couldn’t find anyone else, Jessica, and I’d meet up with the guys later that night. So I told him I was doing the normal routine. He mentioned a few rumors of guys wanting to ask me to go and thought I might have accepted one of their offers. I laughed, remembering Yorkie’s and Newton’s pathetic attempts at trying to get me to be their dates to the party. I told him about it, and we sat there laughing until we cried. Edward, though, was quiet. It was the first time he didn’t make a snarky comment about Newton asking me on a date, and believe me, there were tons.

He ignored me the rest of the day, and I began to get worried. I wondered what I’d done to piss him off.  Our friendship was solid, or so I had thought. I spent the remainder of the school day feeling depressed. After school, he took off, and I went home. I made dinner, did my homework, and got ready for bed. Edward didn’t call me once during that time. I was heartbroken. I had begun to fall in love with him, and he was blowing me off. That night, I decided I wasn’t going to let him have any kind of power over me, and I was going to repress my feelings. It was better to have him in my life as a friend than to not have him at all.

A loud noise woke me up. I got out of bed and noticed a shadow in my bedroom window. I jumped, and the figure opened the window. I was frozen in my bed. A silken voice pleaded with me to not be scared. I knew immediately the voice belonged to Edward. My body relaxed, and I wondered what had brought him to my house. He came in the room looking better than anyone should. His gray shirt fit him perfectly, and his jeans hung low enough to show the tops of his black boxers. It was too good to be true—for Edward to be in my room—it was almost like a dream. I decided if I really was asleep, I might as well enjoy it.

His hair was in its usual untidy array, probably because he’d been running his fingers through it. I’d never been more jealous of a man’s fingers than in that moment. He didn’t say anything at first, just sat on my bed looking at his lap. As the bed shifted with his weight, I realized I truly was awake. I looked away from him, and my face heated up. Eventually, he’d found whatever courage he needed and spoke.

“Bella,” Edward looked at me. “I know I’ve acted like an ass today, and I don’t blame you if you can’t forgive me.”

It took me a minute to respond. To say I was shocked that he thought I was mad at him was an understatement. He was a guy that could have had any girl in the school, and he was worried what I thought? It didn’t make sense for handsome, brilliant Edward Cullen to be tripped up by the likes of boring, uninteresting Bella Swan. In the middle of my musing, I noticed that he was staring at me. Not with contempt, but with a strange emotion on his face. I broke out of my stupor to answer his comment.

“Edward, it’s fine. Really. There is nothing to forgive. I know you have other things going on besides me. Don’t worry; it takes more than one afternoon of the silent treatment to hurt my feelings—” My insecure ramblings were interrupted by Edward clearing his throat.  

“Ugh, I deserve your wrath, and you act like what I did was nothing. How can you forgive so easily?” Edward pinched the bridge of his nose and narrowed his eyes.

“Excuse me?” I asked, his words cutting me deeply.

“No. That’s not…just listen to me for a minute. I’ve never met anyone so fascinating and infuriating at the same time.”

I blinked at him, stunned.

He continued with his speech. “Look, I’m trying to explain why I acted like a jerk today. I’ve kept this inside for too long, and I need you to hear me out. Since you literally fell into my life, I have not been able to get you out of my head. You’re in my thoughts when I wake up, during school when I can’t see you, and the rest of the night until I go to bed. No, that’s not right. It’s not just before bed, but after I fall asleep as well. You’re in my dreams and I’m tired of trying to stay away from you. I didn’t want a girlfriend, but I can’t deny that I want you any longer,” he babbled, showing me the usual confidence Edward radiated was gone.

My eyes went wide. I gawked at him like it was the first time I’d seen him. Surely, that gorgeous creature did not just profess he wanted me. As what, I’m not sure. Yeah, he mentioned girlfriend, but that doesn’t necessarily mean...

“Bella, beautiful.” Edward chuckled. “Come back to me.”

I blinked a couple of times, trying to get rid of the haze nestled in my brain. I took another look at him and noticed he had a shy, embarrassed smile plastered on his face.

“E-Edward,” I stammered, staring at him. “I don’t know what to…”

He cut me off by placing a finger on my lip, and I noticed it was warm and soft against my mouth. His eyes stared where his finger rested, moving to lock with my own. Ever so gently, he removed it and placed his hands in his lap. A striking crooked grin broke out on his pale face, bright green eyes flickered with passion. He licked his lips and leaned forward.

“I love you. Would you be my girl?” Edward asked, taking my small hand in his large one.

I launched myself at his torso. My arms grabbed at his neck and pulled him to me tightly. I buried my nose in the crook of his neck and took a deep breath, his unique Edward scent filling my senses. It didn’t feel real. I had wished and hoped for something close to what had happened for weeks. I fell in love with him when I found out he had a kind heart and possessed a fierce loyalty for those he cared about from our daily talks. By some miracle, I had fallen into that category and he loved me, too.  I was in Heaven.

“Um, Bella. Are you going to answer me?” Edward muttered into my hair.

“Oh, sorry!” I replied, pulling back and cringing. He answered my actions with a chuckle

“Yes, I would be honored to be your girl. Does that make you my boyfriend?” I asked, cocking my head to the side in contemplation.

“If that’s what you want to call me, then yes, I’m your boyfriend. Actually, you can call me anything you want. Except Eddie. I really hate that name. Please don’t call me that,” he said as he wrinkled his nose in slight disgust.

We were inseparable after he declared himself, and Jazz took our new relationship status in stride. He was happy that Edward, as he put it, “stopped being a pussy whipped bitch” and finally asked me out.  It wasn’t always easy, though, being Edward’s girlfriend. Lots of envious girls and determined boys try to break us up. However, it was almost like he and I lived in our own little bubble. We, I thought, had built a solid foundation with our friendship. No matter how hard they tried, no one could penetrate our bond.

~.~.~.~

I was pulled out of my thoughts by a thud, and it was followed by a stream of expletives.

“Ahhh, that fucking hurt,” Edward said, slurring his words.

I sat up and looked in the direction of the front door. My handsome, inebriated boyfriend was leaning on the frame. He rubbed his shoulder; his black, rumpled t-shirt was ripped at the neck, and the jeans he wore the night before hung from his hips. His hair stood on end, the bronze color dull from a whole day’s accumulation of oil and dirt. There were dark circles under his eyes, evidence he hadn’t slept for long. I shook my head in amusement and frustration. Edward was breathtaking, even when he was a mess.

“So, mind telling me how the car ended up in the yard again?” I asked with a hand on my hip.

“Um, I put it there…” Edward stated with a smile in his voice, raising his eyebrow in a silent challenge.

“Christ, Edward! You know Charlie is going to throw your ass in jail if you don’t quit driving drunk!” I screeched and threw up my hands in frustration.

“Damn, baby, take it down a notch,” Edward said as he wrinkled his nose. “You worry too much. I’m an excellent driver, drunk or not.”

He paused for a moment and looked over at me. A cocky, lopsided grin adorned his face.

“Besides, Charlie loves me.”

I huffed and closed my eyes. Of course, he had to use _that_ smile on me; the one that made me forget my name and caused my clothes to spontaneously combust. _Be strong Bella_ , I thought. _Don’t let him get the upper hand. You are mad at him. He left last night to God knows where and didn’t come home until sometime this morning. Do not let his good looks and dazzling grin get the best of you._

I stood up and intended to leave the room. If I stayed, he’d win, and I couldn’t have that. I huffed and started to leave the room. Two strong arms grabbed me from behind.

“C’mon, Bella, I’m sorry,” he said against my ear. I closed my eyes, relishing in his touch. His hands moved to rest on my hips, and then he spun me around to face him. He moved his head upward, and his warm breath ignited the skin on my neck as his nose brushed the spot under my ear that drove me insane. I slid my arms up his torso, feeling a shiver run through him, and slipped them around his shoulders. I laid my head in the crook of his neck, and then I smelled his skin. His intoxicating Edward scent, and a stale bar stench, permeated my senses. I looked up at him and wrinkled my nose.

“Um…Edward?”

“Yeah?” he pulled back to look at me.

“You smell like a bar. Go take a shower please,” I pushed him away, because I didn't want to smell it anymore. He looked at me in astonishment for a moment, like he couldn’t believe I had dared to shove him. Then he smiled that deadly crooked grin again and lowered his hands to the hem of his shirt. While keeping his eyes on mine, he crossed them and began to raise it over his defined abs. I broke contact and followed the movement over his sculptured chest and strong neck. I think I whimpered, but I wasn’t sure. As he pulled it over his head, I looked down and noticed the prominent bulge that rested against his zipper. I licked my lips and moaned lightly, feeling that familiar tingling start to move up my spine. A faint chuckle escaped from the man that stood in front of me. Damn, he had caught me ogling his package.

“Care to join me?” Edward raked his eyes over my body.

I stood there and considered my options. God, I wanted to join him. However, I was pissed that he hadn’t come home the night before. The bed was cold, and I’d spent most of the night worried if he was okay—or even alive. Then again, my girly bits were starting to grow cob webs. Between the alcohol, the pills, and the pot Edward consumed on a daily basis, Edward Jr. hadn’t felt like playing for a while. It had been two weeks, and the last time we’d had sex had been a total disaster. I became lost in my thoughts as Edward brought his mouth to the tops of my breasts.

~.~.~.~

May 29, 2003

Edward had come home… blitzed out of his mind. I was asleep, and since he wanted “some pussy”, as he so eloquently put it, he woke me up. He had a hard time getting his clothes off while standing, managing to fall a few times during the process. Naked as the day he was born, he decided he had to take a piss. Instead of actually taking the twenty steps to the bathroom connected to the master bedroom, he decided the cactus Renee sent me for my birthday was more suitable. He then crawled into bed and began to disrobe me with a few mishaps, meaning my hair was pulled and my skin was pinched.

The best part was when the actual sex commenced. His cock missed my hole three times, with one resulting in a painful push into my urethral opening. Fun times, that’s for sure. When he finally entered me, his thrusts were erratic. His hot, heavy, and muscular body rested on top of my small frame like a boulder, while he nestled his head into my neck. The first few minutes I wasn’t into it and wished he would just come already. Then, I started to feel a small flutter in my abdomen. As I started to get wet and enjoy it, Edward stopped mid-thrust. I waited a moment, thinking he needed time to calm down. A loud snore above me broke that notion. I was pissed, and it took me a good hour to shove him off of me. I ended up taking a shower that night to relieve some tension.

~.~.~.~

  


_Fuck it_ , I thought, as I came back to the present. I was in desperate need of a good, hard fucking. Bastard owed me for passing out while inside of me anyway. It had been even longer since shower sex had been an option. I could almost feel his long, powerful strokes as he pinned me to the shower wall with his hard body. I imagined my hands grabbing his hair as he sucked on my neck. In my head, I saw my tongue lick the water droplets off of his cheek, while my hips circled and angled themselves for maximum pleasure.

A throat cleared, causing me to look up. Edward had a knowing look on his face. His eyes were dark and hooded. Yeah, he knew I was thinking about getting it on in the shower. Slowly, he tilted his head and lowered his lips to mine. I closed my eyes, feeling his soft lips touch my own in a chaste kiss. He pulled back slightly and gently sucked my bottom lip into his mouth. His hands grabbed my belt loops, coaxing me toward him. As our bodies met, I could feel how ready he was for me. His top lip pushed between my own, and I couldn’t help but moan. Edward groaned and then…

 _Welcome to the jungle_  
We've got fun 'n' games  
We got everything you want  
Honey, we know the names

“Ignore it,” I pleaded, enticing his mouth for entrance to with my tongue.

“Yeah,” he mumbled as he angled my head and devoured me.

 _We are the people that can find_  
Whatever you may need  
If you got the money, honey  
We got your disease

“Mmmm, you taste sooo good,” Edward grunted as he places open-mouthed kisses on my neck.

 _In the jungle_  
Welcome to the jungle  
Watch it bring you to your  
shun, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, knees, knees 

_*Beep*_

“Ahhhh,” I cried as his hand moved toward my breast.

 _Welcome to the jungle_  
We've got fun 'n' games  
We got everything you want  
Honey, we know the names

“Fuck!” Edward exclaimed while taking a step back. He reached into his front right pocket and took out his phone. Glancing at the caller ID, he swore under his breath and opened it. He placed it next to his ear while a look of frustration crossed his face.

“Jazz, man, this better be _really_ fucking important,” Edward said in a deadly tone.

“Uh huh…yeah...no…I told that douche bag I’m not going higher than one fifty…I don’t care if it's quality shit. I’m not paying it…uh huh...hey, Jazz, hold on a sec,” he lowered the phone and put his hand over the receiver.

I crossed my arms and gave him the best glare I could muster. He looked up at me and inhaled deeply.

“Baby, I’m sorry, but I’ve got to take this. Two minutes and then we’ll pick up where we left off, okay?” Edward asked, his eyes pleading with me to understand.

“Whatever,” I uttered petulantly.

“Thanks, love. I swear, two minutes,” He gave me a chaste peck and walked around me toward the bedroom.

 _What. The. Fuck._ I grabbed my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to scream and let all of my annoyance out, but somehow, I kept it in. Of course, Jazz always had impeccable timing _. Asshole_. The desire Edward had created was wreaking havoc with my emotions. I let go of my hair and shuffled to the couch. I’d lost him to Jazz and a drug deal; there was no need to be uncomfortable, because I had no idea how long the fuckery would take.

I wasn’t surprised Edward had left me horny to deal with Jasper’s drama. Edward’s best friend was the one with the connections, and since chemical substances were Edward’s first love, I was always left waiting. People asked me all the time why I’d stayed with Edward. My stock answer was that I loved him and couldn’t imagine life without him. Lately, though, that answer didn’t hold as much weight anymore. The reasons I loved with him were outweighed by his colossal fuck ups. Not that I thought I was perfect, because I was just as messed up as the next guy. I had to look at the big picture, and for what I wanted in the future, Edward was becoming less and less compatible. In hindsight, the signs had always been there. I was just too engrossed in him to notice them. No, that wasn't true. I never gave a shit because I wanted to be with him.

In the beginning of our relationship, I, in no way, knew that Edward was into drugs. Hell, I thought that he was against them because he never engaged in illicit substances in front of me. I smoked a joint at a party from time to time, but not Edward. He’d always declined and stuck to his two beers for the night. One particular party, however, changed everything I thought I knew. It was by accident that I learned my boyfriend and his side kick were drug users.

~.~.~.~

January 15, 1999

Alice decided to go out with us that night. She was in town for the weekend and wanted to spend some time with her brother. Jazz, who had had a major crush on her since he was five, thought it would be a good idea if he tagged along. So, the four of us piled into Jasper’s 1973 electric blue Plymouth Duster and drove to Tyler Crowley’s party. The night started like any other, with Edward and Jasper disappearing not long after we’d arrived, leaving Alice and I to fend for ourselves. It was a little strange, because Edward never left me at parties. I reasoned he wanted to give Alice and I time to ourselves while he hung out with his boy. We downed shots, danced with each other, and engaged in girl talk. It was fun. Then Alice spotted a guy from Port Angeles she used to date, excusing herself to go talk to him. Left alone, I looked at my watch and noticed the guys had been gone for an hour. I was a little worried, so I decided to go find them.

I checked the kitchen, living room, hallway, and bathroom downstairs. Not finding them, I decided to question Tyler. It was a known fact that anyone that attended one of his parties had to have permission to go upstairs since the door to the stairway was usually locked. He confirmed the two had gone to the second floor and let me go up. Starting at the beginning of the hallway, I systematically checked each room, making my way down the hallway. Toward the middle, I found them in a guest bedroom. Upon opening the door, I received one of the biggest shocks of my young life.

Bent over a desk, Edward had a rolled up dollar bill in his nose. While holding onto the side of his right nostril, he moved his head across a two inch line of powder on the surface, snorting the whole way. Jasper was off to the side, sniffing and rubbing his nose. I looked closer at the desktop, noticing the choppy, yellow substance, with three yellow pills and a lighter sitting beside it. The sight of Edward doing drugs, and seeing the paraphernalia spread out was surreal. I stood frozen in the doorway, unable to make myself known or leave.  After finishing his line, Edward threw his head back and inhaled a deep breath. He opened his mouth and closed his eyes, and a look of complete euphoria engulfed his face. At the same time, Jazz noticed me. He tapped Edward on the shoulder and pointed toward the spot I was standing in. His exhilarated look vanished, and a mixture of horror, anger, and fear replaced it.

“What in the hell are you doing up here?” Edward questioned with a roar.

I jumped, startled, and answered in a timid voice. “I c-came looking for you because Alice left me.”

Pinching the bridge of his nose, he replied, “Damn it, Bella, you should have waited for me.”

I saw red. How dare he yell at me after he disappeared for an hour, making me have to come find him. And damn him for being mad when he was doing drugs while I was worried.

I found my voice and yelled, “Well, fuck you, Edward! I’ve been waiting for over an hour for you and your asshole friend to come back down… and for what! So you can snort something? You know what? Forget it. I don’t need this or you. I’m going back downstairs.”

I spun on my heel and marched out the door. Two strong arms surrounded me, hugging me to a hard, muscular body. Closing my eyes, I blew out a harsh breath. Edward’s masculine scent enveloped me.

“I’m sorry I yelled…okay?” Edward begged in a whispered tone. “It’s just, you surprised me. And I never wanted you to see this. I’ve tried very hard to keep this part of my life from contaminating you. You are so beautiful and too innocent for this kind of thing.”

I looked over my shoulder, staring at him incredulously. Seriously? That was the excuse he gave me? Edward released his hold on me, and I turned around to glare at him. He flinched while backing a couple of steps away.

“So, what exactly did you snort?” I asked.

“Clonazepam,” he answered, ashamed.

“You’re not going to, like, freak out or anything later, are you?” I questioned.

“No, I’ll be perfectly fine…perfectly safe,” he stated matter-of-factly.

“Oh, so then it’s okay if I do it, right?” I asked nonchalantly.

“Um, no, you’re not fucking doing it,” Edward spoke through clenched teeth.

“Either it’s perfectly safe, and I can take it, or it’s not. If it’s the latter, I’m taking you to the hospital to get checked out,” I declared, crossing my arms.

Edward looked up at the ceiling and clenched his eyes shut. A loud snigger erupted from the other side of the room. Shit, I had forgotten about Jazz. Edward whipped his head around and gave him a deadly look. Jasper threw his hands up in surrender.

Sighing, he hung his shoulders in defeat. He looked over toward the desk, then back to me. Edward stretched his hands out and jerked his head to the side. It was a silent gesture for me to join him. I walked over and took his hand, and then he led me to the desktop, handing me the tube-shaped currency. I leaned down to draw in the pill residue, but he grabbed my shoulder. I looked up, questioning his actions with my eyes.

“Wait! Let me…” Edward’s eyes were fixed on the pile of dust. He pulled a credit card out of his pocket. Using the card, he moved the substance into a pile. Next, he brought a small amount out of it, dragging it toward the edge. With the corner, he carefully manipulated the drug until it formed a fine line. After placing the card on the edge of the desk, Edward glanced back at me.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” he asked, giving me an out.

“Yup, give me that,” I said, pointing to the rolled up bill.

“Okay, then,” he muttered as he handed it to me.

I could tell by his stiff movements, Edward was not happy about introducing me to drugs. I guessed he thought it was better than me drinking myself into oblivion; only to be found by Newton, or someone else later on, who would have taken advantage of me in a compromised state of mind. Whatever the reason, he went along with it and instructed me on the proper way to snort Klonipins. The very moment the powder invaded my virgin nasal passage, I felt an intense burning sensation. I kept sniffing it up my nose as taught, setting my nostril on fire. Tossing my head back, I felt the residue, which was mixed with mucus, coat my throat. It was hard not to grimace as the bitter taste hit my taste buds on the way down.

The rest of the night, Edward never left my side. He questioned how I was feeling numerous times. It bugged me. Hell, I felt great. Maybe a little dizzy, but that didn’t affect the pleasure I was experiencing. We lost Jasper somewhere in between my ingestion of the drug, and us heading toward the party. I didn’t care, because I was having a blast with Edward.

When the party started to dwindle down, Alice came and found us. She was pissed, knowing right away that I had taken something, and Edward was the one who had given it to me. They argued as I sat back and watched in my drug induced stupor. He said I was a big girl and could handle myself. She said I was too good to take hard drugs, and it wasn’t right to let me, because I was naïve. Nor, she reasoned, was it appropriate to use my love as a way to persuade me. I laughed when she made that statement, causing Alice to glare at Edward. His only response to her accusation was to smile and kiss my forehead.

The rest of the night was a blur. I didn’t remember if we found Jazz or how we got home. The only thing I did remember, though, was waking up that afternoon with a horrible headache. Edward and I fought over the next two days about what had happened at the party. He was determined it was my last adventure with the heavier stuff. I was pissed because he had hidden his drug use from me. We eventually compromised—he would always tell me what he would take, and I, from that moment on, would never touch anything stronger than marijuana.  It was an agreement we had stuck to since that day.

~.~.~.~

I looked toward the hallway, realizing Edward was still in the bedroom. I heaved a sigh. Since a drug run was inevitable, I wondered if he’d pick me up something. I was almost out, and it helped with the lonely nights. I was well aware my own drug use wasn’t helping the situation, but at that point, I didn’t give a damn.

“Bella,” Edward said as he entered the living room. I looked at him and noticed his hair was wet. He was also wearing fresh clothes. Damn, he could’ve at least come and gotten me. Knowing that I hadn’t even crossed his mind soured my mood, and I looked at him expectantly.

“Please, don’t look at me like that. I know, but I promise I won’t be gone for long. Jazz and I are going to run to Newton’s and come right back. I swear on my love for you,” he said, his eyes begging me to accept to accept his words as truth.

“Whatever,” I replied in a detached tone. “Do me a favor, though. Pick me up a bag while you’re out. I’m low, and I really hate dealing with that douche.”

He smirked and shook his head. Edward was well aware of the trouble I had with Newton. The dude still thought he had a shot with me and asked me out every chance he got. Dealing with him was a nightmare. Satisfied my request meant I was okay with him leaving, he crossed the room and sat beside me. He leaned down and captured my mouth with his own. It was not a passionate, _I want to take you on the couch kiss_ , but one that said I love you, and I’ll miss you.  A few chaste pecks ended it, and he pulled away. He promised again he wouldn’t be long.

I watched him as he left through the front door. I hoped that he’d meant it and would be back soon. Even though most of the time he acted like he didn’t care, I still missed my boyfriend. I just wasn’t willing to hold my breath for a quick return.


	2. I Am Inside

_June 10, 2003_

_She's a killer queen, gunpowder, gelatine_

_Dynamite with a laser beam_

_Guaranteed to blow your mind_

_Anytime_

I leaned over the arm of the couch and grabbed my phone off of the glass-topped side table. Looking at the caller ID screen, I noticed Alice was calling me. I pushed the send button, flipped my hair over my shoulder, and placed it next to my ear.

“Hello, Alice,” I said in greeting.

“Hello to you, too, Bella,” Alice chirped.

“How are things?” I asked.

“Things are good. Look, I have an ulterior motive for calling,” she began.

“Uh-Huh,” I said. “And what might that be?”

“Mom wants everyone to come over for dinner next week, and she asked me to call and inviteyouandEdward,” she stated, running the last few words together.

“She wants Edward and me there?” I questioned.

“Yeah,” she replied; hope laced into her tone.

“I don’t know, Allie,” I started. “I’m not sure if that’s a good idea. You remember the last time Edward and Emmett were together in the same room. I don’t think your mom wants to patch up the drywall again,” I reminded her.

I was surprised that Esme, Edward’s mother, was inviting us to dinner via Alice. Everyone in the Cullen household knew that Edward and Emmett did not get along. It wasn’t always the case; they used to be as close as brothers could get. Two years ago, Emmett decided Thanksgiving was a good time to discuss Edward’s drug use.

~.~.~.~

November 22, 2001 – Thanksgiving Day

I was in the kitchen helping Rosalie, Emmett’s wife; Erin Whitlock, Jasper’s mom; Sue Clearwater, Charlie’s girlfriend; and Esme cook dinner. Edward, meanwhile, was in the rec room with Emmett, his dad, Carlisle, Charlie, and Julian Whitlock, Jasper’s dad, watching the football game. He later told me that during halftime, Emmett asked if he could talk to him in private.

 Not thinking anything of the request, he agreed. Both men left the room and headed up to Edward’s bedroom on the third floor. Upon entering the room, Edward said Emmett started badgering him about the choices he was making in his life. Edward told him that it was none of his business. They argued for a long time. Most of the topics ranged from his irresponsibility, to lack of interest in college, Jasper, and how he treated me. Apparently, when my name was thrown into the mix, Edward lost his cool.

He got into Emmett’s face and told him that he needed to back off. That it was one thing to bitch at him about not going to college, or how Jasper was holding him back, but I was a topic that was off limits. And if he ever tried to tell him that I was better off with someone else, he wouldn’t be responsible for his actions.

The girls, at the same time, had worked tirelessly in the kitchen. We had laughed and told embarrassing stories about our men. Well, all of us except for Alice. She was single at the time. Instead she dodged questions about her and Jasper, since everyone knew that they both harbored deep feelings for each other. Even though, neither one was willing to admit it.

While Erin told a particularly mortifying tale about her and Julian involving a hot tub and some lube, Edward burst through the kitchen with a look of pure rage on his face. He crossed the room, leaning his back up against the far wall. Concerned, I left the pot of noodles I was stirring and walked toward him. Halfway there, Edward let out a loud “fuck,” turned around, and punched the wall hard. The action caused his hand to go through it. I froze mid-step, and a chorus of shouts and gasps filled the room. His mother grabbed a towel, wet it, and ran over to him. She started fussing over his hand, which pissed him off even more. He told her back off and pulled his hand out of the wall. It was covered in little bits of plaster; blood was dripping from his knuckles. His mother timidly offered him the towel. He apologized for snapping and took it.

He raised his eyes from his hand while he took a deep breath. His eyes searched the room for me. When he spotted me, he walked until he was standing in front of me. I gently grabbed his injured hand, and the towel, to clean the wound. He watched as I carefully wiped the blood from his skin. Once I was convinced the blood had stopped flowing, I lowered the towel and noticed Edward’s intense stare. He placed his forehead to mine and closed his eyes, whispering he loved me and was sorry. His eye opened, while he leaned down and pecked my lips. Carlisle showed up to examine his cuts moments later.

~.~.~.~

Because of Emmett’s little “talk,” we hadn’t attended a family dinner since. Edward or I usually went to see Esme on our own or together, but we spent the holidays alone.

 “…so I think Edward would be safe,” Allie stated.

Shit, I was totally lost in my own world and missed what she said. Ugh. I always seemed to space when a hard topic was brought up.

 “Um, Allie, I didn’t catch what you said. Could you repeat it?” I murmured.

“I swear, you better not be trying to fuck my brother while I’m talking to you,” she warned. “I don’t need to hear either of your sex noises. I will be scarred for life.”

I winced. “He’s not here Alice, and I just got lost in my head. I’m sorry. Could you just tell me what you said?” I asked. 

“Yeah, no problem, “she answered.

“Now, what did you say?” I questioned.

“Anyway, like I was saying. Rose and Emmett aren’t coming. Mom didn’t invite them. She just really wants to see the two of you,” Alice replied.

“I’ll have to talk to Edward about it. But, like I said, he’s not here right now,” I said with sadness coloring my tone. “Can I call you in a couple of days to let you know?”

“That’s fine, B, just don’t wait too long,” she said.

I heard a loud huff on the other end of the phone. I braced myself for what was going to come out of Alice’s mouth next.

“Look, Bella,” Alice started. “I usually keep my mouth shut when it comes to your relationship with my brother. But there is something that I have to say.”

 _Fuck, here it comes_ , I thought.

 “Ally, please don’t,” I begged in a small voice.

“I’m sorry, but I have to say it,” she asserted. “What are you doing with my jackass of a brother? God, B, you have so much to offer. And, yet, where are you? At home on a Friday evening because your douche bag boyfriend is out doing god knows what with god knows whom.”

“Stop it,” I cried, as the tears gathered in my eyes.

“No, you don’t know what he’s doing…or who. I’m not saying this to hurt you. It’s to help you see. You need to realize that maybe it’s time to move on and find someone else,” Alice implored.

I wiped my eyes and answered her.

“How could you say something like that?” I gritted through my teeth. “He’s your fucking brother for Christ’s sake. Do you really think that little of him?”

She paused for a moment.

“I love my brother very much, but I’m tired of him treating you like dirt. Do you know why I’ve never pursued a relationship with Jasper, even though I know he wants one?” she asked.

“No, I don’t. Wait, how do you know Jasper likes you?” I asked, stunned she knew. I had always thought she was in the dark when it came to how he felt about her.

“Please, Bella, it’s not like it’s a big secret. But that’s not the point. The point is while I want him, I can’t handle his lifestyle. I don’t want to be left alone all the time to wonder if he’s fine, hurt, passed out in a bathroom somewhere, or banging some other chick because he’s too fucked up to realize what he’s doing. And it hurts me to see that that is exactly what you’re doing,” she said.

“Enough. I don’t want to hear anymore. I love Edward, and I trust him. He’s never cheated on me, and he never will. Just drop it.”

“Fine, he’s a saint,” Alice replied in a flat tone. “Just think of this instead. What about all the chemicals he’s putting into his body? You know if he keeps up like he is, he’s going to end up exactly like Dad…or worse—”

I pushed the end button. Frustrated, I threw the phone across the room, causing it to slam into the wall with a smack and falling to the floor. I interlaced my fingers together, raised my tightly clasped hands to my forehead, and squeezed my eyes shut. Fucking Alice always voiced her opinion when it wasn’t welcome. Tears welled up in my shut eyes, and a sob started to work its way up my throat. I pressed my lips together firmly, hoping to hold it in. The action failed, and I bawled openly. My body curled into the fetal position as I rested down on my side. I gave into my misery because Alice had touched a nerve. Truly, I wasn’t that naïve. I knew that when Edward went out, girls tried very hard to get him into their bed. He swore he never gave them the time of day, and he wouldn’t hurt me in that way. Not to mention, Carlisle’s situation was something I thought about daily.

Carlisle used to be an alcoholic himself. From the stories Esme, Alice, and Edward had told me, it was pretty bad. Since he was a respected doctor at the local hospital, he never drank before or while at work. When he was home, he would drink until he passed out. His binges took their toll on the family. Esme, for the most part, was a single parent of four.  She not only had the responsibilities of raising three children, but she also had to take care of an adult that was like a child himself on good days. That woman was a saint to have put up with some of the stuff Carlisle pulled and still remained sane through everything. I was in awe of her strength. I wished that I was half the woman she was. I talked to her about some of the struggles I had, and she helped me because she knew what I was going through. She could relate in a way no one else in the family could.

Esme and I had many occasions where we talked about our respective others and traded “battle stories.”  At those times, she was not Edwards’s mother. Instead, she was just another woman that had lived with an alcoholic. My favorite Drunk Carlisle story she had relayed was the one about him and the Christmas tree.

She had helped the kids put together the Christmas tree earlier in the evening. Alice, Edward, and Emmett were so proud of it. They had hoped to surprise their dad, but he never came home. So, they were sent to bed, and Esme stayed up waiting on him. Carlisle stumbled into the house at midnight, completely shitfaced. Esme jumped up and started yelling at him. Carlisle, ignoring her, thought the tree was a perfectly good place to relieve his bladder. Esme ran up to him and started hitting him, causing him to be knocked off balance. Since he was in no condition to stand up in the first place, he fell right into the tree with a crash. Needless to say, they were treeless Christmas morning.

Esme pleaded with Carlisle for many years to quit drinking. He thought he didn’t have a problem and refused every time she brought it up. The beginning stage of cirrhosis of the liver was the reason he embraced sobriety today. At a routine checkup, his doctor gave him the results of earlier tests. They showed that his liver was in trouble. The doctor told him to either quit drinking, or start planning his funeral, because he didn’t expect him to live for more than three years if he didn’t stop. Being a doctor himself, he knew exactly what would happen if he disregarded the advice. He took the news to heart and never looked back.

It was a shame that, by the time he was able to finally quit, his credibility with Edward was nonexistent. Edward told me once that when he was little, his dad was his hero. But, by the time Edward was twelve, and Carlisle had quit, he had already started his descent into what he called Hell. And his Hell was better than facing the disappointment that would happen if Carlisle failed.

I wiped my eyes and got up. _Nothing like a good crying jag to sort your emotions out_ , I thought wryly. I stretched my neck out as my eyes traveled the room. The clock on the far wall read 5:42 p.m. I felt the sting of more tears and chanted in my head, _I will not cry again. I will not cry again._ My face felt sticky, so I decided to wash it. I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t important that Edward had been gone for the past six hours as I walked toward the master bath. When I entered, I went to the tap and turned on the water. I moved my hands into the stream and cupped them. The warm liquid felt good when I brought it to my face. My hands gripped the counter tightly; my head bowed. I was so aggravated. I wanted to know why it was so hard for Edward to keep his promises. 

I raised my head and looked into the mirror. The woman that stared back at me had a grimace on her face. There were dark circles under her eyes. The flicker that once brightened the coffee brown color had faded. I wondered how this had happened and what led me to becoming the person staring back at me. The limbo I was living in wasn’t what I imagined life with Edward would be like when we were seventeen. Back then, I had firmly believed in _Happily Ever After_ and thought I was getting mine, because I had my prince. At twenty-two, though, I felt cheated. My prince was an addict and alcoholic that left me to fend for myself, while he gallivanted around town doing god knows what. I started to question every decision I had made since I met Edward.

 _Damn Alice for making me question myself_ , I thought.

The sound of voices pulled me from my thoughts. Curious, I followed the sound. I entered the living room and found Edward and Jasper. They were seated on the couch, engrossed in the T.V. Both men turned their heads toward me at the sound of my footsteps. A huge grin broke out on Edward’s face as his eyes met mine. I saw red. Between the call from Alice and the fact he was now acting like he’d been here all day, I was furious. I turned on my heel and stomped out of the room. When I reached the kitchen, I started banging bowls around.

“Have you been crying? What’s wrong?” a silken voice asked from behind me.

I spun around. Edward was leaning on the kitchen island. Of course he picked up on the fact I’d been crying. I never could hide my feelings from him.

“What’s wrong? Nothing’s wrong. Everything is just peachy,” I said my voice rising with each word.

Edward hung his head. He reached up and pinched the bridge of his nose. His shoulders slumped; the posture of his body screamed defeat. I was slightly mollified by his demeanor. I figured it was about time he looked as bad as I felt.

“Bella, look, I’m sorry. I tried to get back here sooner, but Jasper –“he began. I cut him off.

“I don’t want to hear excuses. You’re always sorry, Edward. Yet, you keep doing the same things over and over again. You can say sorry all you want. Your actions tell a different story!” I shouted.

“God damn it, Bella, please just listen to me!” Edward yelled. “I tried to get back sooner. But fucking Jasper had to go to Hoquiam, and I couldn’t get here any faster.”

“Fuck you, Edward,” I sneered. “That’s a lame excuse. Why didn’t you just leave him? Huh?” I asked.

“I couldn’t. I rode with him,” Edward answered.

“Of course you did. You have an answer for everything, don’t you?” I questioned.

Edward stood there, looking like a scolded child. His hands were in his pockets, and his head hung low. The confident, cocky man I knew and loved was gone and was replaced by a remorseful one.

“Forget it. I don’t care anymore. Go and do what you want. You always do anyway,” I said.

I walked around him and left the room. On my way to the bedroom, Jasper grabbed my arm. He pulled me to a stop in front of him. Not wanting to hear what he had to say, I tried to pull my arm from his grasp. He held tighter, but not too tight, and effectively kept his hold. I gave up trying get away, because it proved to be futile. I looked at him with a bored expression.

“What do you want, Jasper?” I asked in a lifeless tone.

“Don’t be mad at him, baby B,” Jasper pleaded. “It really was my fault. He told me before we left that he had to get back here soon. I was looking for pills, and I could only find them in Hoquiam. If you’re going to be mad at someone, be mad at me. He was worried the entire time you’d be pissed and finally get fed up.”

I closed my eyes tightly. It was difficult to recognize whether Jasper was telling the truth, or if it was something he said to placate me. It was hard to hold onto the anger when Jasper acted as a sacrifice to the altar of my rage. Expelling a breath, I looked into his eyes. He squirmed under my scrutiny. The action made me question his sincerity.

“Okay, he went with you to Hoquiam, and he was stuck with you. That I can understand. What I want to know is why no one bothered to call me?” I asked.

“I don’t know why Edward didn’t call you, B. I swear, though, it wasn’t to intentionally upset you. I’m sure he just got talking and forgot the time,” Jasper answered.

“That’s not good enough, Jazz. God, do you think I’m that stupid? I know about all the girls that follow him around when you guys are out,” I said.

“Whoa, hold on a minute. You can’t honestly think he’d cheat on you. Come on, you know better than that,” Jasper said.

“What should I think? My fucking boyfriend is always with you,” I seethed.

“I promise you…he doesn’t even notice them. They could walk around naked, and he wouldn’t see them. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a good laugh, because Edward pissed off some whore that wanted his attention but didn’t get it,” he assured me.

“Why should I believe you?” I asked. “You are his best friend. Isn’t it supposed to be bros before hoes or some shit like that?”

“Most of the time, that’s how it is, but not when it comes to you. I’m going to tell you something that I’ve never admitted to anyone, and I’ll deny it if you ever tell Edward, okay?” he asked, gauging my reaction.

I nodded my head. Whatever words that came next didn’t matter. Jasper was his best friend; of course he was going to defend Edward.

“I’m jealous of Edward,” he admitted. He glanced at me, but I couldn’t say anything. Talk about something that came out of left field. It was not what I expected him to say. _Wait, why was he jealous?_

 “I want what you and Edward have. I thought I came close twice before, but it fell apart. You guys give me hope that there is someone out there for me, and I can’t let you give up without telling you that. God, Bella, that boy lives for you. Yeah, he’s not always here but that doesn’t mean you’re not on his mind. It would literally kill him to lose you,” Jasper confessed.

Well, that killed my righteous anger. How could I argue with something like that? Jasper was the person my boyfriend spent the most time with, and he was jealous of me? I was confused and was no longer sure if I should be mad at Edward or not.

“Bella I…” he started to say.

I held up my hand. There were some things I had to get him to understand before I could even begin to think of forgiving him. I inhaled deeply and hoped I could stay strong.

“All right, Jasper explained some things to me. I understand when you’re out, you don’t always think to call me. But, damn it, you promised you’d be back soon. And soon doesn’t mean six hours later,” I said. He opened his mouth to speak. I shook my head. Edward closed it and motioned for me to continue.

“I can’t do _this_ anymore,” I said. His face fell.

“Let me finish,” I pleaded. “I can’t be with someone that puts me last. It hurts to think the one person who is supposed to love me more than anything might not, because he’s never there. I’m tired of being left alone. Things have to change or…” I declared as my throat closed up.

“Don’t,” Edward whispered. “Please don’t say it. I’ll do anything, because I can’t lose you. Whatever you want—consider it done,” he urged.

I blinked back the tears that had gathered in my eyes. “If you mean it, then I want you to be home more,” I said.

He grabbed me and pulled me into his chest in a desperate embrace. I rested my head against his neck as he squeezed me tightly. I closed my eyes and tried not to cry. He kissed the top of my head, while he pulled back to look at my face.

“I didn’t realize,” Edward said as his voice cracked. “I just get so caught up in what I’m doing, and I don’t think. I never meant to hurt you, though. If that’s what you need, then I’ll do it,” he promised.

“Okay, Edward, I forgive you,” I said. “Well, for now anyway.” 

Edward leaned his forehead against mine, and a small smile graced my lips as his eyes moved to my mouth. He licked his lips and leaned in toward my face. I angled my head and moved to meet him halfway. Our lips met in a chaste kiss.

“So, where’s my dope?” I asked as I pulled back a fraction of an inch. “You did get it, right?”

“Yeah, I got it. Its right here,” he said as he pointed toward his front pants pocket.

“Why were you crying earlier?” he asked as he pulled me to the couch. “I know I have no right to ask, but I hate to see you cry. Tell me, baby, how can I fix it?”

“No, it wasn’t you that made me cry. Alice called. She just said some things that hit too close to home,” I replied.

“It was about me, right?  Fucking Alice,” he seethed.

“Hey, let it go. I’m over it. Its same tired argument she always has,” I said.

“No, fuck that. I’m tired of her trying to turn you against me. She needs to get over herself and worry about her own life. She should feel lucky I wasn’t here. I’d have told her to mind her own business,” he said.

“Edward,” I warned. “Just let it go. I don’t want you to start with her. She was concerned about me. Sure, she could have been more sympathetic, but she didn’t say anything that wasn’t true,” I pointed out.

He ignored me and sat back down. Edward took out his phone, dialing Alice’s number. As it was ringing, he put it on speaker phone.

“So you can hear what she says,” he said and winked at me. I rolled my eyes, knowing it was not going to end well.

The phone rang three times. Then, a lively female voice answered on the other end.

“Hello,” Alice said.

“Yeah, hello to you, too, dear sister,” Edward sneered.

“So what do I owe the pleasure of your call, Edward?” she said sarcastically.

“I heard you called Bella today,” he said. 

“I did,” she said. “Oh, are you finally home now after getting your fill of chemicals? Or did your whore kick you out?” she said in an irritated tone.

“Damn it, Alice, knock it off. You know damn well I’m not cheating on her,” Edward snapped. “Quit talking about things you know nothing about.”

I sat stunned as they argued, unable to say anything. I had learned long ago to keep my mouth shut when they started. There was no way to get a word in, and if someone did, the focus usually switched to them. Edward and Alice were ruthless when they were pissed.

“Fuck you, Edward. Tell me then; what do you do when you’re gone? No one takes six hours to smoke a joint and drink a beer. Huh? Answer that,” Alice demanded.

“Jesus, Alice, I’m not here to argue about what I do when I’m not at home. Besides, the only person that has a right to demand an answer to that is Bella, and you aren’t her,” he said.

Alice let out a humorless laugh. “Okay fine, I’ll give you that, but…” she started. Edward cut her off.

“Look, I didn’t call to get into this with you,” Edward said. “The reason I called was to tell you that if you can’t keep your opinions to yourself, don’t call my girlfriend. When I got home, she’d been crying. I swear to God, Alice, it happens again, and I’m putting my foot up your ass,” he said with malice laced in his words.

“Oh, I’d like to see you try, Jackass!” Alice screeched. Edward ended the call and tossed the phone onto the floor. He looked over at me, and his crooked smile was spread across his face.

“Well, now she’s really going to be unbearable,” I muttered. “Thanks for throwing me under the bus,” I said sarcastically.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered as he brushed his nose against my cheek. _This is what I had been missing_. My Edward—the one who loved me fiercely, and the one who would fight for our relationship, come hell or high water. Even if he sometimes got it wrong and took his protective nature too far.

 A throat cleared, effectively breaking the spell we had fallen under. I looked over to the hallway entrance and noticed Jasper was standing in the doorway. He had an amused smile on his face. Embarrassed, I ducked my head to cover my blush. Edward let out a small laugh.

“Well, I guess you two have made up,” Jasper assumed.

“All is good at casa de Cullen and Swan, right?” Edward asked as he looked in my direction.

“Yeah, we’re good,” I said.

He leaned back and stretched his arm along the back of the couch. I pecked his lips. He grabbed me and tucked me into his side, placing his hand on my shoulder.

“So,” Jasper began. “Are we going to fire one up or not?”


	3. Roulette

_June 10, 2003_

Jasper placed the rolled up paper between his lips. His tongue peeked out, trailing across the white parchment. Long fingers pulled it from his mouth and twisted the ends. He turned it a couple of times, checking for flaws in the wrapping. Once he was satisfied, he passed it to Edward.

“It’s her weed. She should get a hit before me,” Jasper said.

Edward nodded. He reached into his pants pocket and pulled out his lighter. Placing it to his lips, he lit the end. With a deep pull, he inhaled into his lungs. He turned toward me and held out the marijuana cigarette. I took it from him, grasping it between my thumb and index finger while bringing it to my face to take a drag. As the smoke entered my lungs, all of the hurt, anger, loneliness, and despair disappeared and floated into the atmosphere. My muscles relaxed when I held my breath. I exhaled and all was right in my world. It didn’t matter that Edward had been gone all day, causing tension in our precarious coupling. All that did matter was the high my brain was experiencing. I felt good.

I took two more puffs and passed it back to Edward, while leaning back on the sofa and closing my eyes. The release I was feeling was what I had needed all day, just a little something that guaranteed to take the edge off of my insecurities. Hell, if Alice had called while I was stoned, I could have told her off myself. It amazed me what a little weed would do for my courage.

“Feeling better, baby?” Edward asked.

I opened my eyes. Edward was sporting his mesmerizing crooked grin. I smiled back and stretched; the bones in my body had turned to jelly. A throat cleared, and I turned toward the noise. Jasper had his hand extended in my direction, waiting for me to take the joint. I took it and repeated my cycle of tokes, passing it back to Edward. _Puff. Puff. Pass_. The three of us continued our formation until it was gone. After it was extinguished, I offered the small roach to Jasper. He happily placed it in his cigarette pack sitting next to him on the floor.

“Listen, baby B, I know you probably don’t want to hear anything about today. But I got to tell you this one thing,” Jasper began.

“It’s fine, Jasper,” I said. “I’m over it.”

He smiled at me. “Okay, so you remember Victoria?”

“Um…yeah,” I said.

“I ran into her today, while Edward was off getting your stuff. And, god, she is looking bad.”

“Okay, so what’s the punch line?” I asked, confused.

“She had her new boyfriend with her. When she saw me, she got excited and kept trying to touch me and shit,” he said with laughter in his voice.  “Her boyfriend was getting pissed and would glare at me every chance he got. Funny thing was the dude had to weigh a buck thirty wet.”

I giggled as I tried to imagine the skinny guy he was describing. Jasper is tall, like six foot, with a decent amount of muscles. There was no way the person was going to win in a fight.

“So, I’m standing there, trying to get her vampire claws out of my skin, and this idiot walks right up to me. He puts his finger on my chest and says, ‘Get your hands off my woman.’ Ha. My woman…that is priceless,” he chortled. I fell over on my side and was consumed by laughter. Edward was not faring any better. He was bent over in hysterics. I remembered the first time I met “Victoria.”

~.~.~.~

July 2002

Jasper brought Victoria over to the house after they had been dating for 3 months. My first impression of her was she was freakishly tall, and I felt like a dwarf next to her. Her bright blue eyes, long flaming red hair, and voluptuous body intimidated me. Surprisingly, though, she was very nice, and she tried, on more than one occasion, to make me feel at ease. After that night, I was glad Jasper had Victoria. I felt like maybe since he had someone too, his need to hang out with Edward constantly would diminish. I was wrong.

Three weeks later, we woke up to a loud pounding on our front door. Edward, ever the protector, went to answer it with a bat in his hand. Fifteen minutes later, Edward had still not returned. I tip-toed out of the room, hoping whatever or whoever was at the door hadn’t hurt him. The sight that met me was not what I was expecting. Jasper was sitting in the black leather recliner, with his head in his hands as he rocked back and forth. Edward had his hand on Jasper’s shoulder, occasionally giving it a pat. I furrowed my eyebrows and wondered what the hell was going on.

I cleared my throat and both men’s heads shot up. Edward grimaced. Jasper, well, he looked like someone had taken a sledgehammer to his car—the car he rebuilt himself and loved more than his own life. His face was contorted in a scowl. Anger, confusion, and self-loathing danced in the depths of his cornflower blue eyes. I gasped. I wondered what had happened to make him react that way. Edward looked in my direction and shook his head. He tried to convey in that gesture to drop it.  Jasper sighed and looked at me.

“Well, I guess I better tell you, too, B. I know you and Edward have no secret. You’ll find out soon anyway,” he said, resigned.

I walked over to him. He placed his hand on my arm and led me to the couch. Turning toward me, he explained.

“Okay, so you know I’ve been seeing Victoria?” he asked. I nodded my head.

“Well, for the past three weeks, I’ve been trying to seal the deal with her,” he said.

My face got hot and turned bright red. He chuckled.

“Sorry, shouldn’t have said it like that,” he said with a small smile.

“But, well, tonight she finally decided the time was right. God, things started out great,” he mused. A faraway look graced his eyes when he paused. I waited for him to come back. A few minutes later, he shook his stupor off and apologized.

“Anyway…fuck, this is hard,” he said. His hand came up and wiped the imaginary sweat off his face.

“I told her I loved her. I’ve never said that to a woman before,” Jasper admitted. “It felt good. She was, of course, overjoyed. Said she loved me too, and that she was ready.”

“One thing led to another and…” he grimaced.  “We, ah, we were groping each other.”

I looked at him confused. I still didn’t understand what the problem was. I wondered to myself if she bit him or something. Jasper let out a strangled groan.

“She fucking had a penis, okay?! The first girl I ever admitted I loved was really a man with breast implants!” he exclaimed. He bent forward and thrust his head into his hands. They pulled on the golden strands until it looked like he was going to tear them out. I reached out, taking his hands in mine. The pain in Jasper’s eyes was startling.

I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so I sat frozen in shock. I knew how hard Jasper had had it. Alice, who he carried a torch for, acted like he didn’t exist. That time, someone who might have helped him move on from the torture was a gay man? Or was he a transvestite? A gay transvestite that could convincingly pass as a woman with her surgically enhanced breasts? Wait, maybe Victoria really preferred to be called “he”? Oh, fuck it. I let the convoluted thoughts die. They made me dizzy.

I sat next to Jasper, and he told me what had happened after the shocking reveal. ” Victoria” told him he had been born James William Kincaid, and he had always known something was different about him—he wasn’t happy until he finally started dressing like a woman and got the implants. When James/Victoria began telling him about how once the surgery to fully turn him into a woman was complete, that he/she wanted Jasper to be the first, Jasper told me he lost his shit. He confessed he was overly cruel and told him that they were through. He felt bad for the way he acted, but he rationalized it as a reaction from being lied to. Jasper reasoned he probably would not have reacted as badly if he had the facts in the beginning. It took him weeks to return to his old self, even longer to see the humor in the situation. Once he’d gotten past his pain, it had become a secret joke between the three of us.

~.~.~.~

 “Oh God, dude, I needed that,” Edward chortled, while he wiped tears from his eyes. “I wondered why you looked like you wanted to leave when I came back out.”

I listened as the boys recounted their drug run in Hoquiam. The “Victoria” situation was the only messed up scenario I’d ever been involved in. Edward and Jasper, however, had tons of these stories. It seemed like their dealings into the underbelly of our quaint community provided many stories featuring the undesirables and the truly screwed up. It was a world that Edward talked about but never actually let me experience. It was another way he tried to protect me.

“Oh, I almost forgot,” I said, interrupting their conversation. “When Alice called, she invited us to your mom’s next weekend.”

Edward made a face. It was the reaction I expected. He, no doubt, figured it was another attempt by Esme to “heal” the family.

“I don’t think so, Bella,” he started. I cut him off.

“Just wait. Alice assured me that Emmett and Rosalie would not be there. She said your mom set up this dinner so she could see you.”

He squinted his eyes while he crinkled his nose, using what I called his “thoughtful face.” I bit my lip and wondered what he would decide. I was aware of not only the friction between Emmett and himself, but his father as well. Carlisle had tried to hide Edward’s trust fund from him. He had felt, at the time, Edward was not capable of managing such a large sum of money, nor had what it took to run a Fortune 500 company. His grandfather, Edward Masen, had started out in coal and had switched to communications later in life. These ventures had made him a very wealthy man.

When Edward’s grandfather had died, Carlisle and Esme had assumed most of his fortune, and the company, would go to her, his daughter. When the will was read, however, it was Edward who had inherited most of it. It left Esme, Alice, and Emmett with only five million dollars each. In the document, the reasons given were simple. He didn’t want Carlisle, who was still an alcoholic during that time, to “piss the money away on booze”. And, he thought Edward, who was his favorite grandchild, “was destined for greatness”. Thus, he would preserve the family traditions at Masen Unlimited. The company would be run by a proxy until his twenty-first birthday, and then it would transfer to him along with his trust fund.

Edward had had no clue about any of it. His family had kept the information pertaining to his trust fund and the company from him for years. It all had changed, however, not long after he turned nineteen.

~.~.~.~

May 30, 2001

I was at Edward’s house for dinner with his family. Since we still lived with our parents, we used any excuse to spend time together. Even if it meant we also had to spend time with the parental figures.

It was a typical Sunday meal, and Esme had outdone herself. Large platters of chicken, a heaping bowl of mashed potatoes, steaming dish of corn, and an overflowing basket of rolls adorned the long dining room table. Alice, Emmett, and Rosalie had also joined us. After we were seated, we tucked into the food. The occasional moan or appreciative groan interrupted the sound of forks scraping over plates. Halfway through the meal, however, Emmett brought up Alice’s inheritance. The one she was going to get next month…when she turned twenty-one.

Carlisle looked at Emmett with wide eyes as he shook his head. Immediately, Emmett ceased the conversation. The damage had been done, though, and Edward had heard, piquing his curiosity.

“What inheritance?” he asked, looking right at Carlisle.

“It’s nothing you need to worry about, son. Now, I was wondering, are you going to college next year? I think one year is long enough to put off your education…” Carlisle said as he tried to change the subject. Edward, however, wasn’t falling for it.

“Forget about college for a minute. What the hell was Emmett talking about? What fucking inheritance?” Edward seethed when he repeated his question.

Carlisle dropped his fork with a clang and rubbed his forehead with his hand. He moved it to his hair, dragging it through the locks. A breath expelled from his lungs as he turned in Emmett’s direction.

“You just had to bring it up, didn’t you, son?” Carlisle said to Emmett.

Emmett’s large frame slumped, and a look of remorse flitted across his face. Rosalie, who sat next to him, appeared livid. Her cold blue eyes flashed with anger. She looked in Edward’s and then my direction, wrinkling her nose at us. Turning to Carlisle, she pointed her finger at him.

“Oh, you might as well tell him. The fuck-up needs to know what he’s about to lose. Besides, rightfully, it belongs to Emmett,” Rosalie sneered.

The tension in the room was palpable. Each member of the family glared at one another, as if they were choosing sides. Edward was pissed. Esme looked like she wanted to crawl under a rock and die. Alice was smug. Carlisle appeared to be resolved. Emmett seemed remorseful. And I, well, I just wanted out of there. I knew the proverbial shit had hit the fan, and I wanted no part of it.

I started to get up but was stopped by a hand on my thigh. I glanced to my right and saw Edward. The look on his face pleaded with me to stay. I realized then that, regardless of how I felt about confrontation, I had to be there. It was likely no one was going to support him, and he was counting on me to be that person. I stayed seated.

“How much, Carlisle?” Edward asked with disdain.

Carlisle sighed. He met Edward’s gaze and squared his shoulders, like he was preparing himself for a fight.

“Two hundred and seventeen million, plus your grandfather’s company. That is what was left to you,” he said.

Edward stood up and started to pace. The veins in his neck bulged, and the skin on his face turned red. He balled up his fists when he made his third pass.

“So, why didn’t anyone tell me this?” Edward questioned.

“You would have found out before you turned twenty-one,” Esme muttered.

As those words left Esme’s mouth, Alice burst into giggles. Each set of eyes turned in her direction. When she calmed from her laughing fit, she wiped her eyes and sighed.

“Really? Then what was Rosalie implying when she made her comment?” Edward asked.

“You really want to know?” Rosalie questioned. Edward shook his head. “Fine, I will tell you because there is nothing you can do about it now. They have been trying to find a way to stop you from getting your money, the company, all of it. You don’t deserve it. Hell, Esme only received five million from her father because Carlisle was a drunk at the time. What makes you think you deserve it now that you are also a drunk and a druggie? You don’t. He should have never left it to you. Emmett is the oldest and deserves it more than you do…” Rosalie taunted.

A plate full of food flew across the room,  hitting the wall and shattering on impact. Bits of chicken, potatoes, and corn painted the surface. Edward stood next to the table and was magnificent in his rage. His lips were pulled into a tight line, while the air in his lungs entered and exited in harsh pulls. Between his eyebrows, a crease had formed, and his eyes were the color of pitch. A terrifying, cruel laugh escaped his mouth.

“So, what you’re telling me, Rosalie…” Edward said, as he sneered the woman’s name. “Is the man I used to call ‘father’ is trying to steal from me,” he spat.

Every person at the table was silent. No one, except me, could look Edward in the eye. Suddenly, a heart-wrenching sob escaped from Esme. Carlisle reached over and took her in his arms. He raised his head, meeting Edward’s glare.

“No, son. No one is trying to steal from you. Your mother and I decided that five million, the same amount your brother and sister have, is more than enough. As for the rest of it, well, you have to think about the 115 people working for Masen Unlimited. The current CEO isn’t comfortable giving you control…”Carlisle explained.

“Fuck the company!” Edward roared.

“Excuse me?” Carlisle asked. His voice rising with each syllable.

 “I know you heard me, old man. I said. FUCK. THE. COMPANY!” Edward yelled, emphasizing the last three words. “Give it to the current guy in charge. Hell, give it to Emmett. I don’t fucking care. But you will give me my inheritance. Just because you couldn’t handle your finances doesn’t mean I can’t handle mine. Now, here are your choices. Either you back off, or I take your ass to court. I guarantee you, if you choose the second option, this is the last time you will see me or Bella. As far as I’m concerned, every last person here will be dead to me. You will have no place in our future. So, think carefully before you decide,” Edward stated with a deadly calm voice.

Esme was openly sobbing. I wanted to comfort her, but I sat motionless in my chair. After Edward’s speech, I knew I couldn’t. He had just drawn the battle lines, and if I crossed it for any reason, I was sure he would take it as an affront. In his current state of mind, it would have been detrimental to our relationship.

Edward walked over to where I was sitting and stood behind my chair. His hands came up and rested on the back of my neck. He massaged the muscles as he stared down the people he once trusted without question. After a few moments, it was Esme who answered.

“All right, Edward. Your father and I will cease all attempts to take over your trust fund,” Esme promised.

“Esme, you can’t be serious…”Carlisle started.

“Enough!” Esme yelled with authority. “I will not lose my son over something as trivial as money. Edward, I’m sorry. I hope one day you can forgive us. We really were trying to look out for you,” she said.

Edward’s hands fell from my neck. He reached down, taking his hand in mine. I squeezed it, and he pulled me to a standing position. He started toward the door, and I followed. Edward and I didn’t see his family again for six months.

On his twenty-first birthday, Edward had come into possession of his inheritance. He had decided, even after his Thanksgiving Day fight with Emmett, to sign his grandfather’s company over to his brother. Esme had been the deciding factor in the decision. She had pleaded with him for months beforehand, stating his grandfather would have wanted it to stay in the family. He had caved, since he had no intention of running it himself.

Two weeks after he received the money, he purchased our house. He wanted to make sure, in his words, we would never be separated again. And, to prove that I was the only person he could trust, he put my name on the deed with his. 

~.~.~.~

I broke from my thoughts. Edward cleared his throat and looked at me. “We’ll go. I haven’t seen Mom in awhile,” he said. I smiled, secretly pleased, because I had hoped we would go. I missed Esme.

“Hey, Jazz. Want to go, too?” he asked as he looked at Jasper.

“Sure, man. You know I could never turn down Mama Cullen’s cooking,” he said.

My heart sank. Of course Jasper was invited. _It wasn’t like Edward spent every moment with him anyway_ , I thought sarcastically. The previous happy mood I had disappeared…I didn’t understand. Couldn’t Edward and I have just one night away from him? It wasn’t that I hated Jasper, no, I considered him one of the few friends I had. But, sometimes, I wanted to do things that involved only my boyfriend and me. 

I noticed Edward staring at me with a frown on his face. _Crap, did I miss something?_ I thought. I looked up and saw Jasper was gone. Huh. He left, and I didn’t notice.

“So, what’s going on in that brain of yours?” Edward asked. He cocked his head to the side.

“Nothing important,” I said. “So, where did Jasper go?”

“He had some things to do,” he answered.

“Huh.” I said dumbly.

“I’ve been thinking,” Edward started. He took the collar of my shirt between his thumb and forefinger, while he ran them across the material. The corner of his mouth pulled up in a small smile.

“I was wondering if you wanted to do something tomorrow. It feels like I haven’t taken my girl out on a proper date in forever,” he muttered. His eyes never left mine.

Inside, I was screaming like a fangirl. I tried to hide the huge grin that wanted to break out on my face. It had been a long time since we had done anything together, and I craved his company.

I toyed with the hem of my shirt, trying to fake nonchalance. “I don’t know, Edward. I kind of had plans tomorrow,” I lied.

“Oh, what plans?” he inquired as he tried to hide the hurt in his voice.

I felt bad for teasing him. I decided to put him out of his misery. “You know, clean the house. Wash my hair,” I joked with a smile.

He launched himself at me. His hands grabbed my sides and began tickling me. The force of his assault pushed me onto my back. Edward hovered over me, while he continued his attack, causing me to shriek. The dance of his fingers across my ribs made my muscles tense and release. A fluttering sensation in my side triggered my squirming. I begged for mercy, but he refused. He demanded I apologize for tricking him.

“I’m sorry,” I squealed.  “Please, let me up.”

Edward released me with a smug smile on his face. I huffed and sat up. Out of breath, my chest heaved up and down, trying to regulate to a normal breathing pattern. My face was burning from overexertion. _Stupid, smug boyfriend,_ I thought.

The rest of the night we relaxed. It was nice to reconnect with Edward…something that had been missing from our relationship for a while. We talked about things of no importance, and when both of us could barely keep our eyes open, we decided it was time for bed. Edward helped me up and led me to the bedroom. Each of us took our time getting undressed because neither one wanted to rush. I caught him watching me when I pulled my night shirt over my head. He rolled his eyes and smirked.

I left the room to do my nightly ritual, and Edward followed seconds later. We brushed our teeth in tandem, while we occasionally stared at one another. It was nice to engage in something so intimate with him, even if it was purely platonic.

When I returned to the bedroom, I went over to the bed and pulled back the covers. I slipped between the sheets, turning on my left side as I covered myself. Edward came in after me. He crawled in behind me, while his hand reached for my waist. My body moved backwards to his, causing the back of my head to rest against his chest. A contented sound came out of Edward as he wrapped his arms around my middle. I closed my eyes and basked in his affection. The feeling of safety and security enveloped me. I yawned when sleep tried to claim me.

“Bella, are you still awake?” Edward whispered.

My eyes popped open. I stretched to try to shake off some of my tiredness. “Barely,” I yawned.

“Sorry. But you didn’t answer my question,” he said.

“What was that?” I asked.

“Can I take you somewhere tomorrow?” he replied with a question.

“Where are we going?” I asked.

“It’s a surprise,” he answered.

“Edward,” I whined. “You know I hate surprises.”

“I know, but I promise you’ll adore this one, love,” he said.

“Fine, just don’t get too crazy,” I said.

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” he chuckled. The sound made me laugh. It was going to be interesting to see what Edward had planned, because he didn’t know the meaning of simple. I turned over and pecked his lips, and he returned the kiss. I laid my head back on my pillow and snuggled into his warm body. _Tomorrow was going to be interesting indeed_ , I thought as I fell into a deep slumber. 


	4. Blue Orchid

June 11, 2003

“Are you sure I look okay?” I questioned.                                        

“For the millionth time, baby, you look fine.” Edward sighed.

We were seated in Edward’s black Volvo S80, driving toward…well, I wasn’t sure. We had left early in the afternoon and insisted that he put a blindfold over my eyes, before I entered the car. Edward said it was _necessary,_ so I would be surprised when we arrived. Personally, I thought he just wanted to drive me crazy. He knew that I hated any type of shock, yet he still tried to spring it on me. It wasn’t that I was an ungrateful bitch. I had just learned early in life surprises weren’t always good. I couldn’t tell you how many times Renee passed off some type of insanity as a surprise. I decided I’d rather do without them.

The window next to me was down, and I could feel a rapid breeze caress my skin. It felt nice in contrast to the heat in the car. I was glad I had decided to wear my denim shorts and gray v-neck t-shirt. The day was clear, the sun was shining, and Edward was with me. All these things contributed to my good disposition. I heard Edward next to me, humming along with the radio. It seemed the mood was infectious.

Thirty minutes later we came to a stop, and I strained my ears, trying to get a clue as to where we were. Edward was quiet, probably amused by my actions. I cocked my head toward the window, so I could listen better. Screams, laughter, shouting, and…what the hell was that? Surely, I did not hear bad eighties music blaring in the background. The aroma of fried foods, cotton candy, and popcorn invaded my nostrils. Slowly, the evidence of my whereabouts came together. I began bouncing up and down; my excitement was hard to contain.

“Do you know where we are yet?” Edward asked.

I smiled a huge shit-eating grin. I think, in that moment, I loved Edward more than was possible.

“Did you bring me to the Clallam County fair?!” I squealed.  Unable to resist any longer, I pulled the blindfold from my eyes. There, in front of me, was indeed the fair. Rides, food stands, games, and other sources of entertainment dotted the landscape. I turned and looked at Edward. He had his arms behind his head, and a satisfied smile on his face. I reached over and grabbed his head, pulling his mouth toward mine, meeting his lips in a fierce kiss. Tongues, teeth, and saliva met as I swirled my tongue with his. He moaned, while he took hold of the back of my neck. His other hand wrapped around my back, bringing me closer. My hands moved up his face and buried themselves in his luscious auburn locks. The kiss slowed, until it was reduced to a series of pecks. Edward placed his lips on mine once more and then pulled back a fraction of an inch.

“So, I guess you like the surprise then,” he said.

“Yeah,” I said breathlessly. The air in my lungs had been temporarily reduced by the heated make out session.

I slid back to my side of the car, while Edward got out and sauntered over to my side. He opened my door, placed his hand in front of me, and helped me out of the car. We walked hand in hand to the front gate. As we made our way inside, I was in awe. I could not believe he remembered. The sounds and sights reminded me of the first time Edward and I attended a fair. It was the night of our first kiss.

~.~.~.~

June 17, 1998

 I was nervous the entire day. Charlie threatened, at one point, to tie me to a chair. I guess he was tired of watching me pace the floor. Edward had not given me any indication of where we were going, so I was at a loss as to what I should wear. That day, Alice became my savior. She whirled into my house with clothes and other accessories that she deemed “date worthy.” When she was finished, I was dressed in a short- sleeved, cream-colored top with a square neckline. She matched a pair of black leggings, and a pair of black ballerina flats. She knew better than to put me in heels. I wore my grandmother’s antique locket to finish the outfit. Alice, after she saw the end result, said I was “smoking” and left the same way she came, like a tornado.

When Edward finally showed up, he took my breath away. He had on a pair of snug black jeans, and a light blue button down with the sleeves rolled up with his shirttails hanging out. Charlie spent a few minutes interrogating him, and then we left. On the way to our destination, things were awkward. Neither of us knew how to act since the status of our relationship changed. The conversation topics were safe, and we were over polite with our answers.

At the gate, Edward paid for our tickets. He stated that, because he had asked me out, he was paying. As we walked through the thoroughfare, our hands gravitated toward each other. But, before they touched, one of us would yank it back. Or we’d get close enough to almost feel the body heat coming off of the other, causing one of us to lean away.  The strange dance went on for most of the night.

It was Edward who finally broke the tension.  He persuaded me to ride the Ferris wheel, and  I was terrified— I don’t like heights. He assuaged my fears by promising to keep me safe. We got onto the ride, and he put his arm around me. Around and around it went, causing my stomach to flip with each revolution. We stopped with a jerk on the fifth cycle. I yelped as I held onto the bar tight enough to turn my knuckles white. Edward’s arms encased me, while his breath tickled my ear. I tried to concentrate on the warmth radiating from his torso and smell of him. Slowly, my hands released their grip on the bar, and Edward brought me closer. He took my chin between his fingers and tilted my head to his. I gazed at his lips as his head descended downward. I closed my eyes as lips pressed against mine. It started out sweet, just a gentle pressure. Next, his tongued peeked out and licked across the part in my mouth. I eagerly opened up. The warm, wet muscle caressed my own tongue, and I reciprocated by rubbing it against his. I grabbed and pulled his hair, and he reached out to pull me close. The loud groan of metal rubbing against metal, and a quick shudder, forced us apart. We were so lost in the kiss; I’d forgotten we were still on the ride. Once we reached the ground, Edward interlaced our fingers and pulled me away to find something else to ride.

~.~.~.~

“Bella?” Edward asked.

I peeked up at him from under my lashes. I hoped a little flirting might distract him from the fact I had been off in la la land again. He threw back his head and laughed.

“Sorry, what were you saying?” I replied.

“I asked you what you wanted to do first,” he said.

I wrinkled my nose while I thought about it. There was so much to do.  I wasn’t sure where to start.

“Um, how about we eat first? I’m kind of hungry,” I said as I batted my lashes. Edward had a crooked grin on his face as he shook his head. He brought our attached hands up, placing a small kiss on them. He winked at me and then dragged me to the first food stand he found. The sign advertised hamburgers, hot dogs, French fries, soda, and other miscellaneous junk. I was in heart attack heaven, and I poured over the menu like it had the cure for cancer. I decided on a hamburger with fries and a cola. Edward, ever the male, went with 3 hot dogs, some onion rings, and a diet cola. I laughed at that last choice. Like a diet cola was going to negate the other grease-filled items. _Silly man_ , I thought.

We took our bounty to a nearby picnic table. I straddled the bench seat and dug in. God, I could taste the artery-clogging goodness in the first bite. I knew I would pay for it later, but I didn’t care. I was going to enjoy my food. Damn the guilt.

Once we were finished, we both agreed to check out the games. I wasn’t particularly eager to revisit my meal by starting with the rides and neither was Edward. We left the table, trying to navigate the crowds. It seemed a lot of people wanted to enjoy the day, as well.  I spotted a milk bottle throw stand as we trekked through the masses. It piqued my interest, so I elected to give it a try. Edward, helpless to deny me because his fingers were interlaced with mine, followed me to the carnival booth.

 A man with olive skin, short greasy hair, and dark eyes manned the stall. He was tall, and a tad intimidating. I squared my shoulders as I strived to appear confident. I handed the man three dollars, and he held out three small balls. I took them, set them down, and picked one up. It had a smooth texture and was slightly heavy. I reared my arm back and threw. The ball arched to the left and hit the wall. Undeterred, I repeated my throw. This time, it bounced off the table housing the bottles. It only made them shimmy slightly. My last attempt was a disaster because I ended up hitting the carnie.  I was mortified and apologized immediately. He shook it off and said it was an honor to be hit by such a pretty girl. His comment made me blush.

Edward was no help, because he laughed at my clumsiness as he paid for his own balls. He set two down on the booth’s ledge, keeping the third in his hand. Taking a deep breath, he positioned his body in a pitcher’s stance. Both arms swung back and forth, and his right arm came across his body. With alarming force, he threw the ball at the bottom of the stack of bottles. They fell with a clang onto the ground. I watched as he attempted his next two tosses. The muscles in his biceps would flex with each windup, and then his back would ripple with each pitch underneath his t-shirt. Sweat gathered on his brow from the effort it took to knock down the three glass bottles two more times. I licked my lips, wishing he was exerting himself for a different reason.

When the last bottle hit the ground, the man congratulated him. He handed Edward a large stuffed penguin. Edward took it and gave it to me. I hugged it, deciding to name it George. I got an eye roll from Edward for my choice of moniker.

The rest of the day, and part of the night, we ran around like toddlers hyped up on Pixie Sticks and Red Bull. It was the most fun I’d had with Edward in a long time. The best part of the day was when we rode the bumper cars. Usually, Edward followed me around the track as he tried to find the perfect spot to corner me. When he achieved his goal, he would repeatedly hit my car until our time ran out. My boyfriend was such a brat, and he knew it. However, this time, luck was on my side.

 Edward decided to tease a six-year old boy standing in front of us by telling the kid he was a “Master” at the bumper cars. The little boy rolled his eyes and told him that he wasn’t. The two kept up this playful banter until I admonished Edward. When it was our turn to go to our cars, Edward ran off to “find the perfect one” as he put it. The little boy started to walk by me, but I grabbed his arm. He was shocked at first but calmed down after I explained I had a plan to get back at Edward. The kid readily accepted with a glint in his eye.

I made sure he stayed close to me as we dodged the other cars, going in the direction Edward had went. Once we were close, the little boy slowed down and fell behind me. I got right next to Edward and hit him in the side with the front of my car, while the kid hit him in the rear. Edward spun out, hitting the outer wall. We raced to his side and proceeded to pummel the shit out of him, via bumper car. The little boy cackled, I laughed like a loon, and Edward...well, he screamed like a girl. When time was up, I reached over and gave the little guy a high five. He returned it, jumped out of his car, and ran over to his parents. Edward sat there with a pout on his face. He called me a traitor and climbed out. I followed suit, laughing at him until we left the vicinity of the ride.

Later on, I got a craving for some cotton candy. Edward made a face, but complied with my request. Soon, I had a bag filled with blue spun sugar. I reached in and took a handful. I put it in my mouth, relishing in the goodness. Some, however, missed my mouth only to land on my chin. Edward leaned down and licked it off. I saw fire in his eyes when he brought his head back up. I knew at that moment, it was time to go home and enjoy a whole other kind of delight.

Edward grabbed my arm and pulled me toward the exit. My short legs tried to keep up while they burned with exertion. Not to be deterred, he stopped and picked me up off of the ground. With me in his arms, he raced out of the gate. We didn’t stop until we reached the car. He sat me down on the passenger’s side once we arrived. Ever the gentleman, he opened my door, shutting it once I was inside. Seconds later, he entered the car and started the engine.

Edward made it home in record time. We both exited the car and went into the house. He stopped in the living room, as did I. The sexual tension was thick between us but was also awkward. It had been a while since we’d had a chance to explore our passion with no distractions. I raked my eyes over him. His reddish brown hair was slightly windblown,  and his eyes were clear of their usual drunken haze. His white cotton t-shirt clung to his supple, six foot two frame. Jeans hung low with the tops of his blue boxers peaking out. I bit my bottom lip. No creature, dead or alive, had ever looked as good as _my Edward_.

Suddenly, I was in his arms. His face was pressed against the side of my neck. A heady mix of an essence that only Edward possessed filled my senses. It threatened to drown me in its intoxicating aroma. Feather-light kisses fluttered across my neck, behind my ear, and on my collar bone, leaving a wet trail behind. It caused me to shiver. He pulled back and gazed into my eyes. I tried to convey with one look my need for him.

Unable to control my desire any longer, I crashed my lips into his. Warm hands slid under my shirt, caressing the skin on my sides. I opened my mouth, and Edward’s tongue invaded the space. My hands made a slow ascent up his arms, slipped over his shoulders, slid across his face, and came to rest in his hair. I licked the roof of his mouth as he tasted the inside of my cheek.

His hands moved to the back of my thighs. I felt a slight jerk, and then I was airborne. My body came to rest against his, and my legs were wrapped around his middle. I was aware that we were moving moments later. Occasionally, we bumped into a smooth, hard surface which was probably a wall. It didn’t matter, because I was lost in the flavor of Edward, and the feel of his tongue swirling with mine.

The world spun for a moment, and then I was on my back. I pulled away from Edward and opened my eyes. It was then I noticed I was lying on our bed, with Edward hovering over me. A devilish smile graced his lips as he stared at me. The action gave me goose bumps, while the anticipation swelled to critical levels as I waited for him to continue.

Finally, he shifted, so he was half lying on top of me. I brushed my fingers across his cheek as he brought his hands to my cloth-covered breast. My eyelids flickered, and my body convulsed with each kneed, flick, and grope. I shifted underneath him. His erection aligned perfectly with my center. Having had enough foreplay, I tilted my hips upward to graze his erection and bit the shell of his ear.

A loud, strangled groan escaped from deep inside him. He grabbed my hips and tugged me downward. We became lost in a sea of limbs, teeth, sweat, and saliva. He tore my shirt off, throwing it to the side. I took hold of his top and drug it up and off of him, tossing it away. The cool air hit my chest. It made my nipples constrict to an almost painful level. The sound of a snap and zipper coming undone distracted me from the sting. The next thing I was aware of was the soft denim shorts being pulled off of me.

Edward’s body left mine, and he climbed off of the bed. He opened the button on his pants and slid them down his legs. Next, he hooked his thumbs into his dark blue boxer shorts and pushed them to the floor. His manhood bounced as it was exposed. I crooked my finger, inviting him back to bed. He complied and crawled onto the mattress. I leaned up on my elbows. Edward seized hold of the back of my bra and quickly undid the hooks, taking the offending material off.

A warm wetness met the overheated skin of my breast as my back hit the comforter. Edward’s body rested on top of me, and his hips cradled against mine. We began a sensual dance, moving against each other. He was hot and stiff against me. I was damp and slick, wanting the last piece separating us to be removed.

As if he had heard my thoughts, he took off my panties as he continued lavishing my chest with open mouthed kisses. Edward leaned back and picked up a condom wrapper. He quickly tore it open, placing the condom on himself. I hooked my legs over the back of his calves, feeling him drag his torso back down to mine. He located my opening and ran his erection up and down it. I gave him a nod, and he slid into me. Absolute bliss filled me as his warm manhood slightly widened me. I constricted around him as he thrust in and out.

“Fuck, Bella,” he called out as his thrusts became faster.

“Ungh, you feel so good around my cock,” he panted.

I bent my left leg, sliding my heel against the back of his thigh, wrapping it around his waist. The move changed the angle, causing him to hit me deeper inside. My eyes rolled back into my head. A long, loud moan fell from my lips. Edward placed his head into the crook of my neck, while his hands grabbed the back of my ass. He used them to pull my hips upward toward his. The action caused each drive of his erection to be more powerful. I could feel my walls as the begun to convulse around him.

“Oh God, Edward! Oh God!” I cried.

“Come on, baby. I want to feel you come,” Edward begged. He was now pounding into me, and I was being shifted toward the headboard.

“Oh God, please! Please, come. I can’t hold on much longer!” he cried out.

His thumb slid over my outer lips and came into contact with my little nub. He flicked it a couple of times, creating a wonderful sensation that made my muscles lock down. My body bowed, and I was coming. A feeling of raw ecstasy washed over me.

“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!” I screamed.

As I came back to myself, I felt Edward thrust four more times. Then he collapsed on top of me, a muffled moan escaped him. His body jerked as he came. I was content and delightfully sore as he rolled off of me. I turned to him when I felt him pull me into his chest. His lips met mine and consumed them in a passionate kiss. We were panting when we broke apart.

That kiss led to another round of hot and steamy lovemaking. We were insatiable. The chance to make up for lost time was too tempting to ignore. We ended up devouring each other throughout the night. When the sun came up, after my fifth orgasm, Edward held me in his arms. My back was pressed against his strong, muscled chest. 

“So, are you really okay with going to your parents’ house on Saturday?” I asked him, peering behind my shoulder to see his reaction. He sighed.

“Yeah, I am. Even though I couldn’t care less if I see Carlisle or not, I do miss my mom,” he said.

“And is Alice going to be a problem?” I prodded.

“Naw, it’ll be fine. If she starts her shit, I’ll ignore her. Everything she says to me goes in one ear and out the other,” he said with a smile. “But, if she starts in on you, well that’s different. I won’t be able to control my actions if that happens,” he said.

I squeezed his arms. His overprotective nature made me feel loved. He buried his nose in my hair. I could feel his breath tickle my scalp. I giggled and turned over. The look on Edward’s face gave me a warm feeling inside. It was as if he was expressing all of his love and devotion in that one gaze. A yawn escaped from me, making Edward snicker.

“I guess I wore my girl out,” he said with a smug look on his face.

I rolled my eyes at him and smirked. He could be so cocky sometimes. I snuggled into him, enjoying the warmth his body gave off.

“I love you, Edward,” I said.

“I love you, too. I know I haven’t treated you like I should, but I’m going to do better. I can’t imagine a world without my girl,” he confessed, the conviction in his words seeping through.

I smiled and burrowed deeper into him. His words were like a balm for my weary soul. I knew that we had a hard road ahead of us, but if Edward really meant it, I was sure we’d make it. I shut my eyes, with the love of my life wrapped around me like a secure blanket.

 


	5. Love-Hate-Sex-Pain

June 17, 2003

I looked up at the house, realizing it had been forever since I’d last visited. The dark bricks contrasted nicely against the white trim on the large home in front of me. It was a four thousand square foot colonial with windows dotting the front wall. An open porch was nestled into the front left side. Many of the first memories I had of Edward, both good and bad, happened at this very place. To me, it was familiar.

I went up to the front door and rang the bell. A petite woman answered; she had auburn hair, similar to Edward’s color, and toffee colored eyes. Dressed in black slacks and a heather gray top, she was the epitome of elegant. I smiled, and she pulled me into a hug. God, it was so nice to see Esme again.

“Hello, dear. How are you?” Esme asked, squeezing me tighter. I closed my eyes and savored the affection only a mother could give.

“I’m doing well, Esme. Thank you for asking,” I replied. Esme stepped back and removed her arms. She cocked her head to the side to look behind my shoulder. Noticing no one was there, she turned back to me.

“Where’s Edward? I thought you were coming together,” she said.

“Um, no, Edward had to make a couple of stops and pick up Jasper. He’ll be here in a little bit,” I said, while at the same time doubting the truth of my words.

“Oh, that’s fine then. Now, follow me. I’m sure you don’t want to spend the afternoon in the doorway.” she chuckled.

I smiled and trailed behind her as she led me into her very large, and very modern, kitchen. The counter tops were a black marble, the cabinets a dark cherry wood, and the appliances were top of the line stainless steel. On the kitchen island, various salads and vegetables were laid out. She went over to the island, picked up a knife, and began slicing an onion. I mirrored her actions, only with a tomato instead.

“So, how are things, really?” Esme asked. She shot me a pointed look that dared me to lie. I sighed and set my knife down.

“Up until this week, things were the same. But last weekend Edward and I went out and spent some time together at the carnival in town. It was fun,” _Understatement of the year, sister,_ my inner voice pointed out.

“Good. It’s about time he started acting like the man I know he can be. You don’t know how much I worry about you, being in that house all alone most of the time. My offer to come over anytime still stands, you know,” Esme said with a look. I nodded my head and went back to work.

I finished with the tomatoes and arranged the slices onto a serving plate. Everything else had been prepared, I noticed, so I went over to the kitchen table in the corner. I sat down and looked out the window, hoping to see Edward. Esme came over and sat next to me. She placed her hand in mine and gave it a small, reassuring squeeze. I returned the gesture.

The front door slammed, announcing the arrival of someone else. I heard the click of heels on the hardwood floors. Disappointed, I slumped in my chair. That sound could've only mean one person, and it wasn’t Edward.

“Hey there, chicky!” Alice exclaimed. I tried to put on a smile for her, but I was sure I failed.

“Oh, Bella, come on,” she said. “You can’t hate me that much.”

“No, Alice, I don’t hate you. It’s good to see you, too,” I said.

“Okay, so I’m really sorry about the other day,” Alice admitted. “I had a very crappy day last Friday, and I took it out on you,” she said, batting her eyelashes at me.

I giggled. Alice was so silly sometimes. She should've know by now the patented Cullen puppy dog look didn’t work on me anymore. Edward had used it so much—It’d lost its power.

“Oh, I guess I can forgive you. It’s not like you can help being a jerk. It’s just natural for you,” I teased.

She shrieked and launched herself at me, giggling the entire time. We play fought until Esme scolded us. Apparently, we were too old to be acting like children. Go figure.

“So, where is my brother anyway?” Alice asked.

“He went to get Jasper,” I said. “He should be here anytime.”

Alice looked at me with pity but didn’t say anything. I was grateful; I didn’t think I could deal with her comments at that moment. The sound of the back door shutting caught our attention. Carlisle strode into the room with large platters of hamburgers, hot dogs, steaks, and chicken breasts balanced on his arms. Esme jumped up and helped him carry them to the counter. They set them down, and Carlisle turned in my direction. He looked good for a man his age. The years had been kind, letting him keep a head full of dark brown hair, with a few sprinkles of gray. Shocking green eyes, similar to Edward’s, were set in his face.

“It’s nice to see you again, Bella,” Carlisle said with a smile.

“Thank you. I’m glad to see you, too,” I replied.

Esme started placing dishes on the island. I got up to help her. Soon, we had an entire spread laid out. Alice, Carlisle, and Esme began fixing their plates. Evidently, we weren’t waiting for Edward and Jasper. I decided to eat, as well. I was hungry and didn’t want anything to go to waste.

An uneasy mood fell over the table when we were seated. I, myself, was uncomfortable. While I thought of his family as my own, I was never relaxed when I came here alone. Esme, of course, was the exception.  I always felt like the rest were silently judging me for sticking with Edward. Each had their own opinions on his choice of lifestyle, and none of them were pleasant. I was sure they thought I was some stupid girl that let him do whatever he wanted. To an extent, I was what they thought, but it wasn’t like I could make him stop drinking or doing drugs. Carlisle knew from experience. Still, it seemed like they expected me to somehow miraculously change him with my love. Yeah right. That shit only happened in the movies. While I could be there and support Edward, ultimately, it was up to him to change. I could only do so much.

“How are things, Bella? Have you or Edward decided on a college?” Carlisle asked, breaking the silence.

“Um, we’re doing okay. I actually put my application in at the new bookstore in town the other day,” I answered. I hoped he would latch onto that last detail. I hated dodging the college question.

“That’s nice but what about your future?” Carlisle pressed. “I know you kids have enough money. What about the satisfaction of having an education?”

 _Crap. I guess not_ , I inwardly mused.

Carlisle’s favorite topic of discussion seemed to be what college Edward and I would attend. More so when Edward was absent, because he tended to tell his father to “fuck off and quit prying in our business.”  I presumed I was a safer target, because I wasn’t known for standing up for myself and usually let people talk over me.

“Um...I…um,” I started. It was not how I imagined the day would go. Damn it, Edward was supposed to be here to protect me from these questions. If I’d have known he was going to bail with Jasper, like always, I would have been better prepared. Hell, I could have brushed up on the internet and had two or three good schools to rattle off for the sole purpose of thwarting Carlisle’s college talk. Instead, I had been thrown to the proverbial wolves. Double damn.

A plan of action quickly formed in my mind. God, I hoped it would work. I couldn’t handle much more of his interrogation. The stress was making my heart flutter to alarming rates, and if I didn’t act soon, I was certain I was going to have a heart attack.

“Well, you see, Edward and I are still trying to find something that will be close to home. We really don’t want to move, seeing as we’ve only lived in the house for less than two years,” I babbled.

“Oh, well, I’m sure the Community College in Port Angeles would admit the both of you. It would be a way to get started. You could always transfer later,” he said sagely.

“Huh. Well, I hadn’t thought of that. Thanks, Carlisle. I’ll definitely bring it up to Edward,” I lied. He nodded in my direction and blew out a harsh breath as I continued to eat. The crisis seemed to be averted for the moment, and Carlisle was placated for the time being.

Alice and Esme began to discuss a shopping trip they were planning. I made noncommittal noises in the appropriate places, but I wasn’t interested in the conversation. For one, I didn’t really care about one designer or the other. It seemed kind of shallow to worry about whose name was on their clothes. Secondly, I was worried about Edward, because he was an hour late.

The two women continued to chatter, while I tried to finish my meal. A sick sensation made its way into the pit of my stomach. After everything we’d been through, it appeared Edward wasn’t taking my feelings seriously.

A loud bang silenced the table. Carlisle got up and went to see what had made the noise. The girls and I exchanged looks. Neither of us was sure what was going on.

Edward came stumbling in moments later trailed by Jasper and Carlisle. He stood to the left of the table, swaying slightly. Jasper, who was to his right, didn’t fare much better. I was livid. How dare he show up to a family gathering drunk.  Having reached my limit, I pushed away from the table. There was no way I was staying to deal with the fucked up situation. I got up and exited the room.

Once I was out of the kitchen, I ran. I didn’t stop, until I found the downstairs bathroom. I opened the door, went inside, and shut it behind me. The anger I had felt earlier was replaced with sorrow. It was becoming glaringly clear…Edward wasn’t going to change. Flashes of what my life would be if things continued as they were ran through my mind. I could see long stretches of time where I’d be alone, only I had become his wife. Our children would grow up wondering why Daddy was never home. Edward would eventually succumb to death by a disease, accident, or other tragedy which would be the result of his addictions. A sob escaped me as I sat on the closed toilet seat. I loved him more than anything, but I couldn’t keep doing that to myself.

The door opened, and Edward stepped inside. He closed it behind him, leaning against the door to keep his balance. His eyes were glassy and unfocused.

“What are you doing in here?” Edward asked, slurring his words.

“How could you, Edward?” I replied with a question. “After what happened last week, how could you come to your parents' house smashed?”

“You know I have a hard time dealing with Carlisle. I needed something to help take off the edge,” he said.

“Whatever, I’m leaving,” I said. I stood up and made my way to the door. Edward didn’t move from his position. I reached out and tried to open the door, but it wouldn’t budge.

“Move,” I said. “I can’t leave because you are in front of the door.”

A wicked smile broke out on his face. He grabbed my waist and spun me until my back hit the door. His head ducked down, while his lips pressed against my neck. The act felt wrong, and I didn’t understand how he could think of sex when my world was literally falling apart.

I pushed against his chest, and he misread the action, thinking it was passion. The kisses began to escalate in intensity, and my hands pressed harder but went unnoticed. Each time his mouth met my skin, a piece of my heart died. It hurt to receive his love in the form of physical affection, because I knew it was fueled by the alcohol coursing through his veins. I had to get away from him. The only way to do it, though, might break the last of my soul.

It was irrational.

It was callous.

It was stupid, because he was in no state to deal with it.

It didn’t matter, though. No one was going to make it out of the situation emotionally unscathed.

“Stop!” I cried.

Edward froze his ministrations and looked up at me. He looked confused. I steeled myself for the fight I knew my words would bring.

“What the hell, Bella?” he asked.

“I can’t do this,” I said.

“You always were uncomfortable doing it at my parents’ house,” he said with a smile. “It’s okay. We’ll go home and pick up where we left off.”

 When he spoke the last sentence, he ran his eyes over me.

“No, that’s not what I mean,” I clarified. “I can’t do it, us, anymore. I thought I could, Edward, but I can’t. You’re never going to stop, and I can’t live like this.”

His featured morphed, and the last of my Edward disappeared. A stranger stood before me, and I was, for the first time in my life, terrified.

“No, I won’t let you leave me,” he stated in a deadly calm voice. “You don’t get to throw away four fucking years because you can’t 'do this' anymore,” he mocked me.

_Be strong, Bella. Just end it. You can fall apart later._

“Is that what you think?” I yelled. “That I came to this decision without any thought? Well, you’re wrong. This has been years in the making. Each time you chose your drugs, the alcohol, Jasper, or left me alone to let those sluts hang all over you, I was questioning whether or not staying with you was worth it. Every time, I convinced myself that, deep down, you weren’t doing it to hurt me. It was just something you had to do, and eventually you’d come back to me,” I said.

I took a moment to gather my thoughts. Edward stared me down, with his jaw clenched tightly. His fists were balled up; the tendons in his arms were stretched to their limit. Taking a deep breath, I prepared to level the final blow.

“I’m tired of being hurt all the time. I deserve better. I know that now. I’ll always love you, but I can’t be your girl anymore. Not when your first love is your addiction. Goodbye, Edward,” I said with tears in my eyes.

I tried to move from his grasp, but it was pointless. He had a tight hold and wasn’t letting go. Harsh breaths hit the side of my face as he stared at nothing behind me.

Suddenly, his fist connected with the door inches from my face, with a loud thump. A crack reverberated in the space, causing me to believe he'd punched through the wood. I jumped and was shocked into stillness. Not daring to move, for fear of what he would do if I did, I stayed in my position. Edward leaned down and grazed his mouth against my ear.

“You’re mine,” Edward insisted in a low voice. “You’re my girl—whether you admit it or not. And as my girl, you should know how hard I’ll fight for you. Oh, this isn’t over. Not by a long shot. Now, I’m going out with Jasper tonight. I need to calm down because you’ve got me pissed. When I get back, we’ll talk about this,” he said with ice laced in his words.

He brought his face to mine, and his angry expression pierced me, going straight into my soul. With his eyes, he dared me to underestimate him. I knew better. If the last four years had taught me anything, it was that if Edward felt entitled to something, he would fight like hell for it. Nothing would keep him from what he wanted.

“I’ll see you when I get home,” Edward said with a pointed look. He brushed his lips against my unyielding ones in a soft peck. Then he let go of me, gently pushed me to the side and left the room.

I fell against the open door, and the motion caused it to shut. Painful sobs wracked my body, and my knees buckled, making me slide to the cool tile floor. My thoughts spun at a dizzying pace, unable to comprehend the last five minutes. Had that really happened? Did I just witness the drugs finally taking control of Edward, stripping him of his humanity and leaving behind a dark, empty shell? There was no way I was going home. In that moment, I wanted my daddy.

That was going to be a lovely conversation. Charlie wasn’t fond of Edward, nor did he care for his alcohol and drug induced antics. My father was what you would call a moderate drinker. He couldn’t understand Edward’s over indulgence, and since Carlisle had quit, he couldn’t grasp Edward’s continued chemical abuse. To him, it seemed that Edward did it purposely. He had no idea how ingrained Edward’s addiction was. I, on the other hand, knew all too well.

A soft tap on the bathroom door brought me out of my head. Wiping my eyes that were sore from crying, I raised myself off of the bathroom floor and opened the door. Esme stood on the other side, and I collapsed into her awaiting arms.

“Bella, what’s going on?” Esme asked. “Why is there a hole in the door?”

“I-I broke u-up with E-Edward,” I stammered.

She nodded.

There was no need to elaborate further, because she could guess what had happened next. A fresh round of tears made it hard to speak. She held me tighter.

“Oh, you poor thing, I’m so sorry. I know it wasn’t an easy choice to make,” she said. “But I want you to know I’ll always be here for you.”

I was shocked, causing my tears to stop. I pulled away from her and looked into her eyes. They showed nothing but kindness, and it confused me. I didn’t understand how she could look at me. I had just broken her son’s heart. Surely, she had to hate me.

“But…” I started. She shook her head, cutting me off. She placed her hand on my cheek in a comforting gesture.

“I know, more than anyone, you didn’t make this decision out of haste. It takes a lot for someone that loves Edward as much as you do to end things. I want you to know I’m proud of you for standing up to my son. Now, I love him, but he is so stubborn. He needed a good kick in the ass,” she said as she chuckled.

“I admire your strength and courage,” she continued. “Hopefully, though, you’ll still let me be a part of your life.”

“Of course, I don’t know what I’d do without you, Esme. You’re like a mother to me,” I whispered. My emotions were all over the place, making it hard to speak.

She wiped her eyes. Sniffing, she placed her arm around my shoulders and led me out of the room. I leaned into her, weary from my emotional outburst.

“Now, I think some fresh air would do you some good,” she said.

We walked into the main room and noticed Alice was seated off to the side on a blue armchair. She stood up and came over to us. Esme released me, while Alice wrapped her arms around my back.

“I love you. You’ve made the right decision, you know,” she whispered in my ear. Placing my head on her shoulder, I answered her.

“Doesn’t feel like it,” I croaked.

“I know. I know,” she soothed. “But, I swear, it’ll hurt less over time.”

I let go and nodded at her, having trouble controlling my emotions, because it was all too much. There was no way I could say another word without crying again.

“Well, I’m going to go. I’ve got places to see and all that junk,” she said as she blew out a breath.

“Call me if you need _anything_. A shoulder to cry on, a person to bitch at, or even someone to talk to; I don’t care. I will answer my phone, day or night,” Alice assured me.

I nodded again, and she took my gesture as an acceptance. She turned and left out the front door a moment later.

Esme linked her arm through mine and gently tugged me to the kitchen. From there, we exited the house out the back door. We each sat in white painted wicker chairs. A small white wicker table was nestled between them. I turned my eyes from the large wrap-around porch to the back yard.

Memories began to flood me. There were games of touch football between Edward, Jasper, Emmett, and other friends while I sat here and cheered them on. There was a tree in the back of the yard that Edward had carved our initials into, after he kissed me. Finally, there was the time we made love under the stars out by Esme’s flower garden after a wild party. I closed my eyes as the tears streamed down my face. I still wasn’t sure if ending it with Edward was the right choice. 

Esme reached over and patted my hand. She didn’t say anything; no words were necessary. It was like she could sense I was mourning the loss of my relationship. I sat there for a while longer, trying to come to terms with everything that had happened. I just couldn’t believe that Edward and I were over. Yeah, he was an asshole, but what was I? I’d allowed it to go on for too long. What did that make me?

“Esme, I’m not sure I made the right choice,” I whispered.

She turned and looked at me, waiting for me to continue. There was nothing but patience in her expression. I took a deep breath and let out my jumbled thoughts.

“It’s just, I know that he wasn’t himself back there. It was the drugs talking. Was it really fair to end things when he was in a compromised state? Or, more than that, is it right to leave him because of his actions?”

Esme cleared her throat and opened her mouth to speak. A terrifying wail interrupted her answer. It sounded like it came from the end of the street. I looked at Esme and then took off running. 


	6. Talk Box

June 17, 2003

My legs burned as I pushed myself faster toward the scream. I crossed the front of the house and could see the end of the street where it met a busy intersection. A crowd had gathered in the area, and there were people clustered in groups. Some stood in the middle of the road, while others moved from group to group; eyes pointed toward the scene.

When I reached the edge of the cluster, I halted with a jerk. In front of me was a pink Maserati GranCabrio.

_No._

_Nonononononono._

_This cannot be happening._

Someone bumped into me, and I looked over my shoulder. I startled and grabbed a hold of my chest and discovered it was only Esme. 

“Why are people standing around Alice’s car?” Esme asked.

“I don’t know, but I don’t see her,” I said.

Esme started pushing the mass of bodies out of her way. I followed her, elbowing and shoving my way through. The sounds of sirens echoed through the air, getting louder as each second passed. Realizing the situation was serious, I began to shove harder. The only thing I could think about was Alice, and I had to get to her.  It had been only minutes since I'd seen her.

 _She couldn’t be hurt. She had to be okay_.

The scene that met me when I broke through the crowd was something out of a nightmare. I covered my mouth and closed my eyes, hoping I was hallucinating or something. However, when I opened my eyes and saw that nothing had changed, I knew that what I was looking at was real.

 It wasn’t Alice who was hurt.

It wasn’t Alice who needed medical attention.

It wasn’t Alice that had the crowd's interest.

 No, it wasn’t Alice.

It was Edward.

The inane chatter around me dimmed to static, and my eyesight blurred. It felt like weights were attached to my legs as I walked over to the twisted sight. Numbness took up residence inside of me, and my brain couldn’t process what I was seeing.

Alice was kneeling on the ground in her designer slacks. She was hovering over her brother who lay prone on the pavement. He wasn’t moving, and I couldn’t tell if he was breathing. His eyes were closed, while his arms and legs were sprawled.

Finally, I stopped behind Alice. Looking over the top of her head, I ran my eyes over Edward. I noticed that his chest was moving. _Thank God._ It meant he was breathing. Upon further inspection, I saw angry red marks on his arms. My brow furrowed.

What the fuck happened?

I took in the rest of the setting. Esme was in front of the car, with her hand on the hood. She was sobbing and begging for Edward to wake up. Jasper sat on the curb next to the car, and his hands were wrapped around his right knee, while his head rested on it. Carlisle was walking toward us with the paramedics and police officers who had arrived just seconds ago.

Alice rubbed Edward’s shoulder and cooed at him. I ran my finger along the back of her neck. She turned around, startled, and saw me.

“Oh God, Bella,” Alice cried. “I...I—”

“Ma’am, could we talk to you for a minute?” a police officer asked, interrupting her muttering. “It won’t take long.”

Alice gave me a heart breaking look and then stood. She followed the officer to where Jasper sat, while another officer was questioning him. I watched the exchange but couldn’t understand what was said. All I could make out were Jasper's nods and hand gestures.

Two men in uniform came over with a stretcher and a medical bag to where Edward lay. Carlisle stood off to the side and had a stethoscope, using it to check Edward. The paramedics were pulling out bandages, a neck brace, and other various medical supplies. They gingerly lifted his head up and attached the brace before going to work on his arms, bandaging the scrapes littering them. One placed a blood pressure cuff on his bicep, while another cut away his shirt—revealing more scratches and scrapes on his torso.

A wooden board with handles was put next to him. The men rolled Edward’s body, placed it under him, and rotated him onto it. It was lifted and set onto the stretcher, and the process was repeated to remove the board. He was secured to the gurney with belts and straps, and it was lifted and locked into place. Carlisle followed behind the paramedics, shooting a glance toward Esme. The crowd parted when they wheeled him toward the ambulance. I stood by helplessly as the mass of people closed up behind them, cutting off my view.

My eyes moved to where Alice was standing. She was still being interrogated by the officer, and Esme had joined her.

“Bella!” a gruff voice yelled.

Tears sprung to my eyes. That voice could only belong to one person. It reminded me of security, love, and home.

My father pushed his way through the throng. My legs came back to me, and I ran. I collided with him, and he swept me up into a strong embrace. All of the emotion that wouldn’t come earlier poured out of me. Charlie shushed me as I wailed into his shoulder, staining his brown policeman’s uniform.

“It’s okay, baby girl. He’ll be okay,” Dad cooed at me.

“God, I hope so,” I cried. The sound was muffled by his shirt.

He set me down, and I rested my head against his chest, while I tried to find comfort. Esme and Alice came to Charlie's side. and it was obvious both women had been crying. Their faces were blotchy with red rimmed, puffy eyes. Seeing them made my face scrunch up to hold back more sobs.

“Alice, what happened?” I asked in a small voice.

“It’s my fault,” she cried. “I didn’t know…..If I hadn’t….”

“Please, Alice, just fucking tell me already!” I screamed.

She blinked at me. It was as if she couldn’t believe I’d yell at her. I was always the quiet, nice one, but she wasn’t making sense, which meant I wasn’t getting answers. I was on edge, and quite frankly, she was starting to piss me off.

“Okay,” she said as she blew out a breath. “When I left you and Mom, I came out to my car. Edward and Jasper were standing at the end of the driveway. When I saw them, I couldn’t hold back my anger, and I started arguing with Edward. I told him—oh God—I told him he was a jackass for the way he treated you.

“We fought, and I told him I was going home. He was so pissed. Edward came over to where I was and yelled at me. We fought for a minute. Then I climbed in my car to leave, and he jumped up on the driver’s side hood. Jasper, the fucking idiot, hopped on the other side. Why he did that, I have no idea,” she said in a watery voice.

“Go on,” I said, motioning for her to continue.

“So, I backed out of the driveway, with the both of them on the car. I swear to God, I was only going 10 miles per hour. After I reversed and started to move forward, I could see Edward through the windshield. He was mocking me, Bella. It upset me and ticked me off. So, when I got close to the intersection, I hit the brakes. Jasper fell off and landed on his knees. Edward…” She broke off with a sob.

“He, uh, he slid off the side,” she continued. “His head slammed against the side bumper, and then it fucking _bounced_ off the pavement,” she wailed.

I was stunned. My eyes widened as I took in the information. _Did this mean he had a concussion?_

“The look on his face when I stopped,” she croaked, shaking her head. “He looked stunned and hurt, like he was asking me _why_.”

“Come on, let’s go to the hospital,” Dad said. He pulled me backward, and I turned and followed him. Glancing back, I saw Esme support Alice as she led her to the passenger’s side of the pink car. Charlie opened the passenger’s door on the police cruiser. I fastened my seatbelt, while he got in on the other side.

As my father started to leave, the crowd finally dispersed. It probably helped that he chose to turn on the police lights and siren. I raised my eyebrow as he sped toward the hospital.

“I figured you’d want to get there as soon as possible,” he said with a sheepish smile. “Sometimes it’s good being the Chief.”

A small smile crossed my lips, mostly for Charlie’s benefit. The outside world was a blur as we sped through town. Five minutes later, we pulled up to the hospital. I jumped out of the car before it came to a complete stop. The sliding doors opened, and I jogged over to the receptionist’s desk.

“Could you tell me where Edward Cullen is?” I panted.

“Are you family?” the lady behind the desk asked.

“Well, no, but…”I began.

“I’m sorry miss, but only family is allowed in the ER,” she said.

“Call Dr. Cullen; I’m Edward’s girlfriend,” I said, even though the words burned. I knew it was a lie; I’d just broken up with him, but I was desperate. I had to see if he was all right. He could tell me to fuck off and kick me out. It was what I deserved, but I had to know that he wasn’t seriously hurt first.

The receptionist stared me down with her gray eyes. She flipped her frizzy blonde hair behind her shoulder and wrinkled her nose. _Yeah, bitch, keep it up. I will smack that look right off your face._  I contemplated flipping her off and snatching her badge to get back there. I wasn’t above resorting to violence at that point.

The double doors flew open, and Carlisle came out, whipping his head around like he was searching for something.  His eyes landed on me, and he strode over to the desk. The gargoyle behind it began fluttering her eyelashes at the good doctor. He ignored her and pulled me into a hug. I looked over my shoulder and saw a flash of rage cross her face. _Take that bitch_ , I thought as I mentally stuck out my tongue. Carlisle leaned back and hooked his arm through mine. He led me through the doors into the ER.

As we walked, Carlisle explained what was going on. He said Edward was still unconscious, and Carlisle informed me he had used his pull in the hospital to rush the CT scan ordered to check Edward’s head. The doctors said it showed no signs of trauma to his brain.  A breath I didn’t know I was holding escaped in a loud gush. He went on to say they were keeping him overnight for observation.

“I spoke on the phone with Esme. Alice is so distraught, so she took her back to our house. She said she'd be here as soon as she could,” Carlisle explained. We stopped in front of a room I assumed was Edward’s. As I started to walk inside, Carlisle stopped me.

“I have no right to ask this,” he started. “But we were hoping you’d stay tonight. Edward is probably going to be difficult when he wakes tomorrow. I know you two aren’t together anymore, but I feel he’d respond better if you were here to explain why he’s in here,” He had a pleading look in his eyes that tugged at my heart.

I closed my eyes, trying to push down my pain and sadness. It _was_ a lot to ask, but I did play a part in all of the mess. If I hadn’t decided to push things back at his parent’s house, it was very likely he wouldn’t have been where he was. The guilt washed over me, and I figured if I was going to hell, I might as well thoroughly damn my soul.

I nodded my acceptance of his request and saw relief cross his features. He patted my shoulder and left me in front of the door, reaching for the door knob. I pushed it open and walked inside.

Edward lay motionless on the gurney with his eyes closed. The clothes he had on earlier had been replaced by a blue hospital gown. A thin blanket was draped over him, covering his legs and hips. Gray wires peeked out from the gown hooked to a monitor. An oxygen tube was in his nose, and an IV was attached to his hand with clear tape over it; a tube ran from it to a bag of clear liquid. His chest moved up and down in a calm rhythm.

Willing my feet to move, I started over toward my unconscious, used to be lover. A hard plastic chair sat by the bed, and I lowered myself in it, staring at Edward. My eyes took inventory of his face. The sharp, slightly crooked nose, pouty pink lips, high cheekbones, and angular jaw hadn’t changed. It shouldn’t have surprised me that some things hadn't been altered, but others had.  Like, for instance, my resolve to be separated from Edward. Hours ago, I was ready to leave without looking back—even though it hurt to do so. I wasn’t as sure at the moment. There I was, glued to his side, willingly, after I'd told myself I couldn’t watch him hurt himself. Maybe I was a masochist.

Leaning over the bed rail, I moved my hand to his head. I ghosted my fingertips across his cheek, running my fingers through his auburn locks. Edward once told me he loved it when I played with his hair. He said it calmed him and made him feel loved. I silently hoped it gave him some comfort.

My bedside vigil was spent checking the monitors and watching Edward. I counted each breath he took. My eyes scrutinized each number on the various monitors surrounding him. Each beep of the machines let me know he was still there.

Esme and Alice entered the room after, well, I don’t know how long, because time had ceased to have meaning.  I watched as Esme walked to the other side of the bed. She sat down in the chair opposite mine. One of her hands gripped her son’s, intertwining her fingers with his, while the other grazed across his forehead. She bit her lip and sniffed. Watching the intimate action of a mother fussing over her child made me feel like an intruder.

I didn’t feel like I should be there anymore. Edward had his mother, and she was more qualified to soothe him when he roused from his unconscious state. It was more likely that I’d agitate him further. He didn’t need me there, not really.

“Don’t you dare,” Alice said, placing her hand on my shoulder. I stared at her with my head cocked _. I didn’t say that out loud, right?_

“I saw the look on your face,” she explained.

“Alice, he’s not going to want me here when he wakes up,” I argued.

“Like hell,” she said. “He was so drunk; he’s not going to remember what happened. He’ll have a major freak out when he sees you’re not here.”

“But I…” I started. Alice kneeled in front of me and took my face in her hands. She gave me a determined look.

“I know I’m not the biggest supporter when it comes to you and my brother,” she said. I snorted. _Understatement of the fucking century._

“But,” she emphasized. “He will freak out when you aren’t around when he wakes up, and he’ll probably get arrested or put in jail trying to get out of here to look for you,” she said with a small smile. 

“You know he doesn’t think rationally when it comes to you. I promise if, once he wakes up, you want to leave, one of us will come and take your place,” Alice said.

Her eyes held nothing but the truth. I glanced at Esme. She nodded, and I sighed.

“Okay, I’ll stay. But, tomorrow, if it gets to be too much, I’m leaving,” I replied.

We sat there for what seemed like forever. Eventually, Alice got off the floor and sat in the large window sill. I kept watch over Edward for any change in his condition. Esme rotated between talking to Alice and observing her son’s vitals. She didn’t try to involve me in conversation. I was sure she could sense I was in no mood to participate. Doctors and nurses came in and out, checking vitals, refilling IV bags, doing temperature checks, and such. On one visit, a nurse informed us they would move him to a room on the third floor as soon as one became available.

Each minute that passed irritated me more and more.  Jesus, it was Forks. It wasn’t like there were tons of people to fill up the hospital. On most days, the place was like a ghost town, and when a room was needed, there wasn’t one in sight.

Finally, he was taken to the third floor. The three of us waited in the hall until they were finished. Upon entering the room, we saw Edward lying on his back in a hospital bed. All of the tubes and wires they had placed on him downstairs were gone. The head of the bed was raised slightly, causing his head to lie in an awkward position. I went to him and repositioned it and was sure he’d appreciate the gesture in the morning.

Esme and Alice approached the bed, and I stepped back to give them a moment. As I turned to find a seat, I saw my dad and his live-in girlfriend, Sue, standing in the doorway. Sue had an overnight bag in her hand. I was confused. When did Sue get here?

They walked into the room and looked at Edward. Charlie had a frown on his face, and Sue looked a little teary-eyed. I reached for her, wrapping my arms around her back. She squeezed me gently and whispered comforting words in my ear.

“When did you get here?” I asked in a low voice as I pulled back.

“Your dad brought me here,” she said. _Huh. I didn’t realize he left_. Charlie noticed my perplexed expression.

“I went home after Dr. Cullen took you back. I figured you’d be staying, so Sue and I went to your place and got you some things,” he said, pointing to the bag Sue was holding.

I was overcome with emotion. Charlie wasn’t the most affectionate person, but he always seemed to know when you needed something. I thanked the both of them, and Sue handed me the bag. Esme placed her hand on my arm and greeted Charlie and Sue. she turned to me next.

“Alice and I are leaving, dear,” she said. “Someone will be in soon to bring you a cot. Carlisle talked to the nursing staff on this floor earlier. They know you’ll be here tonight, so you don’t have to worry about them telling you to leave,” Esme said.

I smiled and gave her a small hug. She left the room, looking back once at Edward. Alice walked over to me and gave me a hug before following Esme. Charlie and Sue said their goodbyes and left, leaving Edward and I alone for the first time in hours.

I sat in a chair next to his bed. A lock of hair covered his closed eyelids, and my fingers lifted and brushed the wayward strands away. He sighed and turned his head toward me. Even in his sleep, Edward knew I was with him. In a small way, it gave me comfort to know that the connection we had always shared was still there. Possibly fractured, but it still existed.

The sound of wheels squeaking on the linoleum caused me to look up. An older nurse with salt and pepper colored hair pushed in a folded up cot with a blanket and pillow on top. I jumped up to help her, and she waved me off, setting up the bed on the far side of the room.

“I’m going to check his vitals real quick, honey. I know you’re probably tired and want to go to sleep,” she said.

“What time is it?” I asked.

“Oh, about ten,” she stated.

My brow crinkled. It didn’t seem that late, but then again, we were at the hospital. Time seemed to disappear like socks in a dryer when you were there. I stretched, watching her do her job. She took his temperature, checked his blood pressure, and made sure his oxygen levels were normal. I inwardly chuckled. During all of her prodding, he didn’t move once.

“You’re lucky,” I murmured.

“What’s that dear?” she asked.

“Usually, he puts up a fight when someone examines him,” I replied.

She chuckled.

“Don’t most men?” she mused. “He wouldn’t be one if he didn’t.”

I had to laugh at her words. Edward, if anything, was the typical male when it came to getting checked out. I couldn’t give the exact number of the times he threw a fit because a nurse or doctor examined him. He should have been used to hospitals with his father being a doctor, but he wasn't. Edward avoided any medical attention like the plague, unless it was something serious. 

The kind nurse wished me goodnight and left the room. I noticed Edward still hadn’t moved, even after all of the prodding he’d endured. Since it was likely he would sleep until morning, I went into the adjoining bathroom to change for bed. While in there, I contemplated taking a shower. I felt gross, but I wasn't sure what the hospital policy was for using the patient facilities.  Deciding the risk wasn’t worth it, I skipped the shower. I’d take one tomorrow when I went home.

I turned off the lights as I made my way to the small cot. The room was washed in dim moonlight when I clicked off the last lamp. Slowly, I walked the last few steps to the bed. I pulled back the covers and slid in, immediately noticing it was uncomfortable—I could feel a few springs poking me. Back and forth I rolled, until I found a semi-comfortable position.

As I covered myself, I thought about what would happen the next day. Edward, most likely, wouldn’t remember what transpired in his parents' bathroom. When he was that far gone, he never did. He referred to it as his black hole stage. I tried to keep from letting that fact excuse his actions. It was time time I started holding him accountable for his actions. I still wasn’t sure if I wanted to end our relationship, but I was sure of one thing. His drinking and drug use had to stop.

Lying there, I realized that my enabling was a big part of the problem. It was hard to admit, but I knew I had to fix my part, before I could ever expect Edward to work on his. Every time I forgave him without consequences, or let him back into our house when he’d been gone for long periods of time, didn’t help the situation. I basically was telling him, with my actions, that I was okay with what he was doing. I resolved in that moment to be what he needed—someone who would be strong and tell him no. Closing my eyes, I decided we had to talk about our future, and how we were going to fix it, in the morning. I was going to give him an ultimatum—me or his habits.

For the first time in awhile, I felt relieved. The outcome of what was a head of us was out of my hands. It was strangely comforting to know that whatever happened, I would be okay. I was going to change, regardless of what Edward decided. 


	7. Faultline

June 18, 2003

Light hit my eyelids, turning my world red as I regained consciousness. I raised my hands over my head, groaning as I opened my eyes. The room was a sterile white, and I noticed I wasn’t in my bed.

_Well, this is confusing. Where the hell am I?_

It all came rushing back in a rapid flash of events, and I realized I was in the hospital with Edward. My feet hit the ground when I jumped off the cot, throwing the covers away. Clad only in a white t-shirt, plaid pajama pants, and socks, I rushed over to where Edward lay.

My clumsiness caused me to skid to a stop, so I braced myself on the bed rail. I really didn’t want to end up in a bed next to him. He was still in the same position from the night prior. The jolt from my almost crash didn’t even stir him. It concerned me, and I watched him for a few moments. I saw his chest rise and fall and a deep breath escaped from my lungs. Everything seemed fine—well, for the moment anyway.

The warm water felt good as it ran down my body. The shower didn't compare to the one I had at home, but it helped relax me. I washed my hair and conditioned it, taking my time with each product. I washed my body next, making sure each patch of skin was clean. Okay, so I was stalling. I knew once I went back into that room, Edward would probably be awake. No way was I looking forward to the conversation about to take place.

Once I was finished, I slowly dried myself and wrapped the towel around me.  Taking my time, I brushed and sectioned my hair, twisting the pieces around each other to form a long braid down my back. With a hair tie, I fastened the end. After that, I dressed in a black t-shirt and tan cargo pants, putting my socks and black tennis shoes on. Acknowledging it was time to face the music, I opened the door and walked back into the room.

Edward was still asleep…which was odd. I glanced at the clock and saw it was after nine in the morning. Usually he'd be up before I woke, but he _was_ in the hospital. I wasn't going to let it worry me, until I had a reason to. Shrugging my shoulders, I re-claimed my chair by the bed. It was obvious that that particular episode had hit him hard.

The room was quiet, and I was bored, so I decided to watch some television. I looked around, noticing the remote was attached to the bed rail. My eyebrows scrunched up as I tried to figure out how to use it. When nothing came to me, I went with the obvious and leaned over the bed rail, praying I didn't fall. I flipped through the channels for a minute and then remembered that Sunday morning TV sucked. Huffing, I looked back at Edward and noticed he was still asleep.

The next hour consisted of me turning channels with the hope of finding a good show, being disappointed with them, and then starting the circuit again. A muffled groan caused me to stop. I moved my hand away from the buttons and turned toward the noise. Edward was shifting around, and his eyes were squeezed shut, like he was in pain. I hopped up and went to his side.

“Baby, shhhhh,” I cooed while I rubbed his arm. “You’re in the hospital. There was an accident, and they want to make sure you’re okay. Just be still, and I’ll get a nurse.”

He shot up out of the bed, ignoring my words and threw the covers off of his body. His bare feet hit the floor, and as he turned to sit up, he lost his balance and slumped over. I started to reach for him, so I could help him, but he righted himself and pushed off the bed to stand.

When he was upright, he wobbled slightly. I walked over toward him to try and coax him back into the bed. Before I could reach him, though, he started to walk to the door. Each step he took caused him to stumble across the floor. Once I reached him, his shoulder crashed into a piece of wall separating the sink from the door. I waited for him to start cussing and yelling, but it never came.

“Edward, get back in bed,” I insisted. “Please listen to me. The nursing staff will tie you down if you don’t.” 

He stopped suddenly and turned my way to, I assumed, glare at me. However, when his face met mine, there was no anger. Instead, what I did see caused me to gasp in horror.

I didn't recognize the eyes that stared back at me, because I saw nothing of the man I loved in their depths. _Nothing_ was not an exaggeration—it wasn't that he had simply changed. Instead, it was if Edward Cullen had never existed at all. Those blank, obsidian orbs continued to gaze through me, not able to see what was in front of him. I realized, as my stomach rolled, that something was very wrong. My heart galloped with fear as I looked closer, realizing that the color meant his pupils were dilated.

I took him by the arm and led him back to his bed. He fumbled and tripped the entire way. Most of the time, I had to support his weight. I eased him back onto the mattress, trying to help him lie down.

A nurse entered the room. When she saw Edward, she stopped. Her face twisted, and she set her things on the side table with a bang.

“Mr. Cullen,” she said with authority. “I don’t know what you’re trying to do, but I suggest you stay in that bed.”

He looked up at her with a blank expression but stayed silent. She stared at him, waiting for his response. After a few minutes, she huffed and began examining him.

“Um, I’m sorry,” I said. “I was just trying…”

“Save it,” the nurse snapped. “I’m really not in the mood for excuses. You people are all the same. Come in here and think you can act any way you want, just because you happen to be related to a doctor that works in this hospital…” she said.

Her hands flew up to her mouth and a gasp escaped her lips. I spun around to see what had her freaking out. Edward had pulled the front of his gown up to expose himself. His hands were balled into fists in the material, and his head was turned to the side. I rolled my eyes. Leave it to Edward to tell the bitchy nurse in his own special way to fuck off.

But, after a few seconds, it became glaringly obvious that he wasn’t trying to shock her. He didn’t have the usual cocky expression on his face that showed he wanted to get a rise out of someone. Instead, he looked like he was hurting. I looked back at the nurse, and I watched as her face twisted into an angry scowl. 

“Well, that’s it. I will not stand for this foolishness,” she seethed. “I’m going to go call the rehab center in Port Angeles. Let’s see how you like it there, you hooligan. They don’t put up with shenanigans such as these from a drunk.” 

She spun around and marched out of the room, grabbing her things on her way. I stood there for a couple of seconds with my mouth hung open. I was shocked into silence, because I thought nurses were supposed to be compassionate. Yet, the nurse must have obtained her credentials from Guantanamo Bay. _Sheesh._

I rushed over to get my cell phone which was stuffed in my overnight bag. There was no way fucking way I was going to let that woman send Edward to a rehab center. His actions weren’t normal behavior for Edward after a bender; something was not right. His parents needed to know what was going on and possibly step in. I dialed Esme and prayed she'd pick up. 

“Hello, Bella,” Esme greeted after two rings.

“Uh, Esme, you and Carlisle need to get down here,” I demanded. “Something is not right with Edward. He is disoriented, isn’t responding, eyes are dilated….”  I babbled in a rush.

“Slow down, dear...no, Carlisle, wait. I can’t understand her,” she spoke to her husband.

“Esme!” I hollered. “You guys need to get here NOW! Nurse Hatchet is calling a rehab center as we speak. That is not what he needs. Someone needs to examine him ASAP!”

“Okay, we’ll be there in a few,” she said in a panicked tone.

I ended the call and sat next to Edward who was still trying to get up. I went to him and gently pushed him back down. Esme and Carlisle arrived and burst into the room. Carlisle jogged to his bed and began taking things out of the medical bag in his hand.

“Has a doctor been in to see him yet?” he questioned me as he examined his son.

“No. I’ve been up since seven and no one but that bitch of a nurse has been in,” I answered. 

He nodded his head and resumed inspecting Edward. When Carlisle shined a light in his eyes, a look of pure horror crossed his face. He looked at me with panic, rising from his position. My eyes widened, not understanding what could have caused him to react in that manner.

Suddenly, he was providing Esme and me with instructions to keep Edward in the bed at all costs, and then he ran out of the room. We exchanged matching looks of shock and went to hold Edward down. He began thrashing and snapping his teeth. We each grabbed an arm to pin him down.

Esme noticed his gown was pulled up and tried to right it. Edward bucked, trying to throw us off. We were knocked off balance, but were able to right ourselves and continue to hold tight. Loud moans and incoherent babble fell out of his mouth as he fought. Those dead eyes tore at my heart every time I caught a glimpse of them. 

When I hovered over him to get a better grip, his teeth latched onto my upper arm. A shrill cry burst from me, and sharp, agonizing sensations throbbed in my nerve endings. I could feel his teeth piercing my skin and knew that he had put a lot of strength behind the bite. Esme pleaded with Edward to stop, shaking his arm at the same time. He didn’t acknowledge her and continued to clamp down on my skin. Then, as suddenly as he had latched on, he let my arm go. There was no remorse or sorrow on his face; he just squeezed his eyes shut and grunted.

Carlisle returned with a team of nurses and doctors following behind him. Esme and I backed away, and the staff went to work. Four of them skillfully lifted and transferred him from his bed to an awaiting gurney. He bucked and gnashed his teeth at them the entire time, but the team never reacted. They snapped the safety bars in place and quickly pushed him away.

Carlisle blew out a breath and met our anxious gazes. I was sure he knew what was going on, and I waited for him to explain. He ran his fingers through his hair and squared his shoulders.

“Bella, I need you to tell me exactly what happened this morning,” he said, leaving no room for argument.

I began to retell the morning’s events, from the time I woke up, until Edward was taken out of the room. He nodded and hummed in the right places. When I told him about Edward, and the way his eyes looked, he hung his head.

“Well, I can’t be sure,” he started. “But, if his behavior is any indication, I’d say were dealing with TBI.”

“TBI?” Esme asked.

“Yes, it stands for Traumatic Brain Injury. He has all the signs of head trauma and brain swelling. The doctor overseeing his care has ordered some more scans. Hopefully, they will be able to tell what is going on,” Carlisle informed us.

“Didn’t they already do that?” I asked. “I mean, you said that he got one last night and everything was fine. What the hell, Carlisle? Were you lying to me?” I demanded.

“No, Bella. Sometimes swelling doesn’t show up on the first scan. Since everyone was convinced that this was just alcohol related, no one thought that a second one would be needed,” he said.

“And if it had been you, would you have done the same thing?” I asked.

“Yes,” he admitted. “Given the information from last night, and his past abuse of alcohol and drugs, I can’t say I would have made a different choice.”

Everything came to a screeching halt, and when my world started again, Carlisle was looking at me with sadness in his eyes. The pit of my stomach clenched into a knot, while my vision shimmered on the edges. His words, and the situation, were all too much, and I’d had enough. A sudden urgency overcame me, and I flew out of the room.

I felt like I was in an alternate universe. The world had twisted and left me with a frightening reality and nothing made sense anymore. The warm summer air hit my face as I exited the hospital doors. Sprinting to the first bush I found, I emptied the contents of my stomach. Carlisle’s words rang inside my head. _I can’t say I would have made a different choice_. The poison they'd left in my psyche was expelled with my stomach acid.

My skin felt flushed as I finished heaving. I couldn’t understand how he could be so...so detached. It was as if he was telling a stranger’s family member unfortunate news, not his son’s girlfriend, that something may have been wrong with his son. Fathers were supposed to be upset when their children were hurt, not...indifferent. Clinical Carlisle, I found out quickly, was a bastard.

The inside of my mouth tasted like battery acid, and my tongue was coated with bile. Not able to stand it any longer, I went back inside to search for a bathroom. Two wrong turns later, I'd finally found it. I pushed the door open and went in. Cupping my hand under the running water, I brought it to my lips and swished a mouthful. I spit it out and repeated the process two more times. It was slightly better, but I really needed a toothbrush and some mouthwash.

I looked at my reflection in the mirror in front of me. The girl staring back looked bedraggled, and it caused me to sigh. Really, I didn’t know how much more stress I could take. I turned, grabbing a paper towel to dry my hands. It was time; I had to go back to find out what was happening. I couldn’t change the fact that Dr. No Show and Nurse Holier-Than-Thou had let their biased opinions of the situation stand in the way of Edward’s well-being. I, however, was determined it was the last time. When this was all over, it was possible he and I would not be together. I’d be damned, though, if any more harm came to him from a misconception.

 I had my mind set when I departed the restroom and headed back to Edward’s room.  Esme was sitting by the empty bed when I reached the door. Her hands were folded in her lap, and she was positioned toward the TV but wasn’t watching it. I quietly walked into the room, not wanting to disturb her. Somehow, she knew I was there anyway.

“Better?” she asked with a concerned look on her face.

“Um, yeah, a little bit,” I answered.

“Carlisle will be back soon. He just went to get some coffee,” Esme said.

“Could we not talk about him right now?” I whispered.

She looked at me with a confused expression. I gazed down at my shoes and was unable to meet her stare. There was no way I could tell her what I thought about her husband at the moment. She was hurting enough with everything that was happening. There was no way I would add to it.

“Forget it,” I said, hoping to change the subject. “Did they say how long it would take?”

“Uh, no. I’m sure he’s all right, though. Carlisle said they would sedate him before he had the scan done, because Edward has to be still for it.”

I nodded my head absentmindedly. It was comforting to know that he wouldn’t be moving around a whole lot. Truthfully, I was terrified how the staff there would react to his behavior. Even more so because of what had happened that morning.

The next hour was agonizingly slow. I split the time between watching the door, checking the clock, and attempting to read a magazine. Esme and I didn’t speak again. Whether it was because of nerves, or the fact I was incensed by her husband, and she could tell, I wasn’t sure. What I was sure of, however, was I was impatient and worried.

Carlisle came back into the room sometime later. Holding two steaming foam cups, he went to Esme. He offered her one and then pulled up a chair beside her. She leaned into him, and he wrapped his arm around her, bending his head down to nuzzle her hair. I had to turn away because the sight caused me pain, and it made me wish I wasn't alone.

Not long after Carlisle's return, Edward was wheeled back into the room. They transferred him back onto the small bed, covering him up. One of the nurses motioned for Carlisle to follow him. _Damn it, what is going on? Did they not see I was dying to know what they had found?_

He was gone for ten minutes. The entire time, I sat fidgeting and looking over Edward. He was peaceful, and the pain-filled expression had been erased, leaving his features calm.

When Carlisle returned, his hands were shoved in his pockets, and his head was down. Esme gasped and rushed to his side. I sat motionless, unable to move or think about what his demeanor meant. Esme began to demand answers. He blew out a breath and raised his eyes.

“They have the results back,” he stated. “There is definitely swelling. They are going to start an IV drip and put him on oxygen. Hopefully it will help reduce the pressure,” he said.

I bowed my head and tears sprang to my eyes.  it was all too much, and I didn’t understand how it was possible. People walked away from car accidents all the time and from speeds much faster. How was it he was lying in a hospital bed from an injury where the speed was so low?  I had to be dreaming, because it felt like some kind of sick nightmare I was trapped in.

 _There is no way I am here and this was happening_.

I reached down and pinched the skin on my arm. _Ouch, that hurt._ Okay, it was real. I had officially left reality and entered Crazy Town, population: me.

As I ended my internal musing, I noticed Carlisle and Esme were huddled together in an intimate embrace. I turned my head and walked over to Edward. He hadn’t moved, but it wasn’t like I had expected him to. I ran the backs of my fingers across his forehead. With my free hand, I intertwined our fingers. They hung loosely in my grasp. I knew he couldn’t hold my hand, but I needed some sort of connection to him.

My fingers continued to study his face. There were dark circles under his eyes, his face was pale, and his lips were chapped. That didn't matter, though, he was still the most gorgeous man I’d ever laid eyes on. If he could've heard my thoughts then, he’d have argued. Edward had never liked it when I noticed his beauty. He said it detracted from who he really was— it was just a package that happened to lure pretty girls. On the other hand, he was fine with commenting on my looks. I chuckled, remembering the first time we'd had that discussion.

~.~.~.~

April 22, 2000

Edward and I were holding hands and walking down the street in Port Angeles. It was a Saturday, and we had spent the day together. Finals and graduation were coming up, so we decided to spend some time just being teenagers, before the pressures of college or adulthood took hold of us. It had been wonderful.

We explored the city with no particular destination in mind. He and I wandered, browsing whenever a store caught our eyes.  Like, for example, this little off the wall antique shop. Quilts, knick knacks, old wooden rocking chairs, fainting couches, and other oddities adorned the space. I ended up buying a china teapot from the Fifties. It was tall and slender, and there was a small pink rose painted on the side.

Later that day, we had lunch in a little family-owned Italian restaurant. It wasn’t fancy; in fact, it was quite cheesy. The tables had the stereotypical red and white checkered tablecloths. Edward laughed himself stupid over them and joked that he expected a mafia guy to walk in any minute.

The food, however, was to die for. I tried the chicken parmesan, moaning as the food touched my taste buds. Edward raved over his osso buco while going on and on about it with his mouth full.

After lunch, we walked down the sidewalk, and I noticed Edward caught a lot of stares and appreciative looks from every female we passed. It was unnerving and upsetting at the same time. Seriously, did these girls not see I was with him? One girl eyed him up and down, and she licked her lips as we walked by. That was the last straw, and I'd had enough. I jerked my hand away from Edward and stomped off. He jogged up behind me and spun me around.

“What the hell, Bella?” he asked with a scowl on his face.

“Just…I want to go home,” I said.

“Why? I thought we were having fun,” he complained.

“It’s getting late, and I have to feed Charlie,” I argued.

“It’s not even three yet. I don’t believe you so why don’t you tell me what’s really wrong?” he demanded.

I gave him an incredulous look. Fuck, how did he always know when I wasn’t truthful? He stared back at me, waiting with his arms crossed.

“Gah. Fine, Edward!” I exclaimed. “I can’t stand to watch you get gawked at anymore!”

His eyes squinted and his nose crinkled. I waited for his response, picking my nails and trying to act uninterested. Because, truthfully, I felt a little hurt it didn’t even seem to bother him.

“So, you’re pulling away from me because some girl wanted to look at me?” he asked with disbelief in his tone. “Bella, I wasn’t even paying attention to them, and why would I, when I have you with me?”

I rolled my eyes in disbelief. Yeah, like he didn't notice that girl staring at him. He’s a guy! He blew out a harsh breath and pulled me into an alley. He pushed me up against the rough brick wall and covered my body with his. I could feel his excitement pressed against my thigh. He wrapped his hands around my wrists and placed them above my head. I raised my eyebrow in question.

“See, this is what you do to me. Those other girls, they only want one of two things. Either they want to ride my dick, or they want me to buy something for them when they find out my parents have money. Sometimes…” he muttered as he dragged his nose against my neck. “They want both. Now, as we’ve discussed before, I’ve been down that road, and I really don’t want to go back. Since I’ve been with you, I’ve felt what real love is. I wouldn’t give that up for some slut,” he promised with a whisper.

“But it’s never made sense, why we’re together. I mean…you're beautiful...and I'm plain and boring,” I mumbled.

He pushed himself against my pelvis. A jolt of desire shot up my spine. Damn it, I was mad at him. He was making it hard to concentrate.

“You will never see yourself clearly, will you?” he asked in my ear. “Do you want me to tell you how I see you?”

I was struck completely dumb, because Edward was the king of seduction. One look could render a poor girl to a pile of mush. Wait! What were we fighting about again? Girls, um girls…that’s right, girls staring at him. Yeah, I’m onto you, buddy, I thought as I shook off my stupor.

“When I look at you,” he started. “I see a girl with a beautiful face, long, chocolate brown hair, and luscious curves I want to spend hours studying. You see the man behind the beautiful facade and love him regardless of his flaws. I feel like you are the only person I can truly be myself around,” he said, begging me with his eyes to believe his words.

“Promise?” I whispered. The emotions his speech caused were threatening to spill out. He released my hands and cupped my face. I lowered my arms, wrapping them around his waist, while Edward tilted his head and kissed me. It was a slow, sensual kiss. Neither of us rushed it, and the both of us poured our love into the other.

“I promise. You’re my girl,” he assured me.

Edward reached down, connecting our hands once more. He pulled me out of the alley and led me back to reality. We resumed walking, occasionally touching or kissing each other.

That night, before Edward took me home, we had sex in the backseat of his car. The act was loving, but awkward. He was tall, and the seat was small. It didn’t matter, though, because we made it work like we did with everything else, laughing at the situation. When we finally found our groove and connected with one another, it was beautiful. There was no rush, only passion as I rode him to ecstasy.

~.~.~.~

“Are you okay, dear?” Esme asked. Her voice brought me back to the present. I blinked and looked up at her.

“Yeah,” I said. “I’m fine.”

“Then, are you ready?” she asked.

I furrowed my brow. _What the fuck was she talking about?_ A weak chuckle escaped her lips.

“My, whatever you were thinking about must have been something,” she said. “I asked if you wanted to go with me to the cafeteria.”

I shook my head and turned back to Edward, noticing he was still unconscious. She placed her hand on my shoulder and insisted I come.

“You need to eat. Edward would be upset if he knew you weren’t taking care of yourself,” she pleaded.

I sighed, knowing there was no fight left in me, and I was mentally exhausted. I walked over to the head of the bed, and then leaned down to kiss his forehead.

“Hey, baby, I’m going to get something to eat with your mom. I’ll be back soon. I promise,” I whispered. I knew he probably couldn’t hear me, but it didn’t matter. Talking to him out loud almost made me feel like he was there.

I placed my lips on him one last time and followed Esme out of the room. Carlisle nodded at me as we passed him. I gave him a weak smile in return. Once we were out of the room, my shoulders slumped, and my posture screamed defeat. Esme placed her arm around me and whispered words of encouragement. I was so confused and messed up in the head. I wasn’t sure of anything anymore, except for three things:

One: I was still in love with Edward.

Two: I didn't know how yet, but I was going to be there for him. Even if it was only as friends.

And three: I was eating something quick, so I could get back into that room. I wanted to be there when he woke up.   


	8. Breath

June 18, 2003

Dark gray clouds covered the sun, while I sat on the curb. I raised my head up to the sky and hoped the rain would wait, until I was gone, to start. The sound of an engine caught my attention, and Charlie’s truck came to a stop in front of me. I stood and picked up my bag from the ground, slinging it over my shoulder. He hopped out and helped me place it in the back as I opened the door and climbed inside. Moments later, he was back inside and pulled out of the parking lot. Leaning back on the seat, I let my thoughts drift back to my lunch with Esme.

~.~.~.~

Two hours earlier

The cafeteria was virtually empty when we entered. I made quick work of selecting my food—choosing   only a turkey sandwich and bottle of lemonade. Earlier events had caused my appetite to be nonexistent.

After we paid for our food at the cashier’s stand, we found a table toward the back and sat down. The first few minutes were filled with sounds of chewing. Halfway through the meal, Esme sat her fork down and cleared her throat.

“Carlisle and I think it would be best if you went home tonight,” she said.

Her words punched through my chest. I tried to swallow the bite in my mouth, but it was hard to with the lump in my throat. My head bowed. It was heavy with the shock and hurt running through me.

“Please, don’t misunderstand,” she rushed. “I’m not saying we don’t want you here, because we do. It’s just…” she trailed off. I stared at her, waiting for her to finish.

“I don’t think it would be good for you to be here day and night. You need to get out of here and get some rest in your own bed. We think that all of us; you, Alice, Carlisle, and myself, should take shifts. That way, Edward will have someone with him who cares at all times. He’s going to need it when he wakes up,” she explained as her voice cracked.

“Who’s staying now?” I asked.

“Well, I am for the rest of the day, while Alice is coming in later. She’ll stay the night, and Carlisle will be here in the morning. That way, you can be here tomorrow afternoon and stay overnight,” she said.

I nodded my head. Her plan sounded reasonable, and it would give each of us time with him and some time away. Logically, I knew it wasn’t good for me to stay all the time, waiting for him to wake up.  My heart, on the other hand, didn’t agree.

“Esme,” I whispered. “It’s my fault he’s here.”

“Don’t you dare,” Esme admonished.

“No, it is. If I hadn’t insisted pushing things at that moment, we wouldn’t be here. Edward would have slept it off, and we could have talked about it later. But, no, I had to show him I wasn’t going to put up with his disrespect anymore,” I said as I sobbed.

“Bella, you couldn’t have known what would happen. Besides, all this,” she said as she spun her finger in a circle. “Its Edward’s fault, if there is any fault to be had.”

I looked up at her, wanting to deny her words.  She pressed her lips together and raised her eyebrow, daring me to challenge her. It was tough, but I nodded my head in false acceptance. Esme smiled slightly and went back to her tray of food.

As I slowly began eating again, I thought about what she had said. Regardless of how she felt, it was my fault. In that small bathroom, I had been the one with the clearer head who took on a man that was like a cornered animal. I knew what I was doing and didn’t care. The words that came out of my mouth were shocking to me since I’d had time to digest the situation. Yeah, he’d hurt me by never being there, but I wasn’t any better. I put him on the defensive when I ended things. In his state of mind, how had I really expected him to act?

My stomach churned, killing my appetite, and I threw my fork onto the tray. Esme looked at me from the corner of her eye but said nothing. We rose from the table and took our dishes to the dish washing area.

On the way back to Edward’s room, neither of us spoke. Everything that needed to be said seemed to have happened during lunch. For that, I was grateful. I didn’t think I could keep up a superficial conversation full of idle chit-chat.

Edward was moving slightly in his bed when we entered the room. Carlisle was sitting next to him, whispering as he ran his hand across his forehead. The scene before me was bittersweet. While I’d always held out hope that Carlise would finally get his head out of his ass and be there for Edward, it was sad it took something so tragic for it to happen.

I walked over to the bed, and Carlisle scooted his chair out and stood up. He backed away and motioned for me to take his spot. I nodded my head once in acknowledgment, and then took my place next to Edward. His eyes, I noticed as I looked at him, were moving sluggishly behind his closed eyelids. It was as if he having a peaceful dream. The pain etched on his face, however, contradicted the thought.

“Edward, baby, I'm going to go home,” I said through lips pressed against the side of his cheek.

“Your mom is going to stay for a while, and then Alice is going to have a sleepover with you,” I joked in a shaky voice.

I had to stop for a moment. The guilt and pain I felt as I talked to his unconscious form made it hard to get my words out. My throat was dry, causing my voice to be slightly raspy. I cleared my throat and continued.

“I'll be here tomorrow afternoon, after you've spent some time with your dad,” I whispered, while my larynx constricted tighter. “I love you. I'll see you soon.”

Bending down, I placed my mouth against the corner of his in a chaste peck. I held my position for a moment, closed my eyes, and tried to keep it together. There was no way I was going to break down in the room in front of his parents. I took a deep breath and moved away from his bed. Sending a small smile to Esme and Carlisle, I left and called my father. __

~.~.~.~

“Well, we're here,” Charlie said.

I blinked to clear my thoughts and looked out the windshield. Sure enough, I was staring at the house Edward and I called home. I felt alone, knowing that time he wasn't going to walk through the door after the sun went down.

I got out of the truck and started toward the front door. The sound of a car door slamming stopped me. Turning around, I saw Charlie exit the vehicle and head in my direction. I held up my hand and shook my head.

“Could you, like, give me a few minutes? I really need to do this on my own,” I pleaded. He nodded and got back in his truck as I continued toward the house.

When I entered, everything I had been holding back for the past twenty-four hours came crashing around me. I sank to my knees and let out all of the hurt, anger, pain, sorrow, and guilt for what had happened. My hands ripped at my hair as the same question repeated in my head on a loop.

_Why? Why? Why? Why?_

Strong, familiar arms wrapped around my torso. Charlie pulled me into his lap and rocked me back and forth, shushing me. He removed my hands from my head and then began rubbing my arms in an up and down motion. I could hear the words of comfort whispered in my ear, trying to soothe my tattered soul.

I don't know how long I sat there as my dad tried to calm me down. Time ceased to mean anything to me. Really, everything outside of the personal hell I was lost in didn't matter. 

Sometime later, how long I wasn't sure, I finally was able to stop. I couldn't tell, though, what helped me accomplish it.

“I broke up with him,” I admitted in a horse voice.

Charlie looked down at me with questions in his eyes. “I, ah,” he started. “What the hell happened last night?”

I wiped my face with my hand. It was not exactly the conversation I wanted to be having at the moment, but as I saw Charlie's face, I could see the concern and worry written all over it. Sighing, I decided to give him something. After he had dealt with my nervous breakdown, the least I could do was tell him the condensed version. I took a deep breath and steeled myself.

I told him about the dinner and Edward's subsequent arrival—bombed out of his mind. Next, I mentioned the bathroom confrontation. I tried to be as vague as possible, but he wasn't buying it. The vein in his forehead pulsed as I described how Edward morphed into someone I didn't recognize.

“It's about damn time you left that bastard,” Charlie stated with steel in his voice. “When he wakes up from this, he'll be one sorry little bastard. No one treats _my_ daughter like that.”

“Dad, please,” I pleaded. “Don't. I'm at fault, too. If I'd have left him alone, then things wouldn't have escalated.”

Charlie shook his head, while his face was red with anger. He started to speak, but I cut him off.

“Look, I know Edward has problems, but I'm not sure if leaving him is the right thing to do at the moment.”

He shot me an incredulous look.

“I promise things are going to change. After last night, I know I can't stay with him if he's going to continue with his addictions. But, Daddy, I have to give him a chance to fix it. I love him, and I want him to get better. If he doesn't, then I swear I'll pack up and leave. Please, I need you to understand.”

“I don't like it, Bells, but you're an adult now. I can't tell you what to do anymore. Promise me one thing, though, okay?” Charlie pleaded. “Just, don't rush in to anything. Give yourself some time to think about things. Nothing needs to be decided right now.”

Nodding my head, I accepted his request. No one was sure when Edward would be awake, so I had plenty of time to think things through. I knew I wasn't going to leave him outright without a chance. However, maybe making him sweat would be good for him.

We got off of the floor and went into Edward and my shared bedroom. I averted my eyes from the bed, because it was the last place I'd seen him when everything was still all right. The hole that was beginning to form in the center of my chest throbbed as  my gaze passed over it. _God, I am running on sheer will at this point_. Every second that ticked by reminded me Edward was hurt, and I couldn't fix it.

Charlie helped me put together a couple of overnight bags. He agreed, when I brought it up, staying there that night might have been a bad idea. I didn't think I'd survive sleeping in the bed, because surely, it would have killed me.

~.~.~.~

I sat and stared at the food on my plate. It had taken Charlie and me fifteen minutes to get to his house after we'd left mine. Sue had been in the kitchen when we arrived. She immediately stopped what she was doing and enveloped me in a hug. I let her hold me, while she told me how sorry she was. The sentiment behind it fell flat because I was numb; my last outburst had left me empty. I nodded my head mechanically and pulled away.

Sue stared at me with concern, but when she looked over my shoulder she turned and left me alone. Probably because Charlie, who was behind me, probably gave her a silent signal to leave it alone.  It was fine by me, because I knew I couldn’t pretend for her sake.

I watched my dad and his girlfriend engage in small talk between bites. To an outsider, it would look like any other family meal. I knew better. It was obvious they were trying to make an effort to be normal around me, for my benefit.

 An inaudible sigh escaped me, and I lowered my eyes, scooping up a bite of food. It tasted like ash when it landed on my taste buds. I chewed and swallowed quickly, hoping the discomfort didn't show on my face. Pushing the plate away, I stood up and excused myself. There was no way I could eat, even to spare Sue's feelings.

I left them at the table and headed toward the staircase. My room was located on the second floor, so I climbed the stairs. When I entered the room, I wobbled slightly. Over my bed was a cork board with pictures of Edward and me. Some were from various school functions like football games and prom, while others showed candid shots taken for one reason or another, showcasing our relationship. Memorabilia from our time together littered my dresser. There were ticket stubs from movies we'd seen, a variety of small toys from vending machines, and other miscellaneous crap on it. I walked over to the pile of memories and picked up a metal-like ring with a small blue plastic jewel set in the center and remembered the day Edward had given it to me.

~.~.~.~

September 3, 2001

Ugh. Boys.

If those two didn't hurry up, I swore, I was walking home.

I was sitting outside of the only grocery store in town, with my bottom perched on the ledge of the large window in front. Edward and Jasper had promised they were almost done, so I decided to wait for them outside.

Biggest. Mistake. Ever.

Why do I do this to myself? I thought.  I knew my boyfriend was the largest child in existence, and when he saw those quarter machines at the front of the store, all was lost. He could not help himself; he had to get something out of them.

We had argued many times whether the things they offered could be called collectibles. Edward said yes, while I questioned his sanity. Really, I couldn't think of anyone else who would look at some of the stuff that came out of those things and say, “Oh, looky, I need that!” Yeah, it was highly unlikely. Yet, he had shelves and shelves in his room devoted to display cheap, poorly made, and useless crap. 

Edward and Jasper finally left the store as I decided to take my chances on foot. It was a good thing, too. The sky was getting dark, and it looked like rain. I was seriously not looking forward to getting wet.

Edward pulled me off of the ledge and wrapped his arm around my waist. I could feel the lumpy plastic containers bulging out of his pocket against my hip. I rolled my eyes as I was towed to the car.

“Don't say it,” Edward playfully warned.

_“What?” I asked in a mock innocent tone._

He chuckled and opened my door. I hopped into my seat, while Jasper slid into the one behind me. Edward shut my door and got back in, backing out of the parking space.

We drove through the streets of Forks and chatted about nothing in particular. Eventually, we ended up at Jasper's house. I looked over at Edward with a questioning look.

“He's got a date tonight,” he said simply.

I turned around in my seat and gazed at Jasper. He had a small smile on his face. I raised my eyebrow at him, and he let out a laugh.

“Maria has been bugging me to take her out. I figured we’d go to the diner. I’m hoping it will shut her up,” he stated.

“You are so mean to her,” I admonished.

“Yeah, well, she's not my girlfriend. She knows it, but if I want to keep a good thing going...” Jasper started. I cut him off.

“O-kay,” I drawled. “That's enough of that kind of talk. I do not need a rundown on your sex life. Now, shoo.” I made a motion with my hand, indicating he should get out of the car. Edward laughed hard, and Jasper chuckled. He got out and waved to us as we started driving away.

When we pulled up to my house, Edward helped me out of the car. Walking hand in hand to the door, I let us inside. We went up to my room, and he took his usual spot on my bed—sprawled across the comforter. I sat down next to him.

He reached up and pulled me onto him. I lay there with my head on his chest, and my left leg wrapped around his waist. Neither of us said anything for a while, only enjoying each other’s presence.

Suddenly, Edward raised his hips off of the bed and stuck his hand in his pocket. Perplexed, I watched him dig around, searching for something. A few seconds later, he pulled out a small plastic holder with a toy ring inside. He sat up, opened it, and poured it into his hand. The ring itself was gold, with a red plastic piece shaped like a precious stone set in the middle.

He turned to me and helped me up. I was puzzled by his actions, wondering what he was doing. Unfazed by my confusion, he took hold of my left hand and looked into my eyes.

“I've been thinking...” he started to say as he played with my ring finger. “One of these days, we're going to leave this pathetic town and start our lives. Also, I'm going to ask you an important question. Probably the most important one I’ve ever asked you.”

 _No_ , I thought. _He wouldn't dare_.

“So...don't look at me like that,” Edward said. The depths of his startling eyes stared into mine. “I want to pretend for the sake of practice. Bella, will you marry me?”

I burst out in a fit of inappropriate giggles. Seriously, he wanted me to play along? I'd told him my views on marriage before, telling him that I didn't believe in it. That it had ruined my parents, and I didn't want to end up with the same fate.

“Really, Edward? You're proposing with a toy ring?” I stated the obvious, trying to deflect the panic starting to form inside me.

He huffed. “No, Bella. When I propose for real, you'll be able to see the diamond's sparkle from space. We are just pretending here, so quit trying to ruin my fantasy,” he said with a sarcastic smile.

Edward got up from the bed. He placed his hand on the back of his neck, rubbing the skin while his eyes narrowed and his nose wrinkled. Those beautiful green eyes were trained on the floor.

I bowed my head in shame, because it wasn't my intention to upset him, yet, I did anyway. He'd caught me completely off guard, and he had to know how I'd react. Ugh, it wasn't fair. I wished things would have been different for me, and I could have accepted without reservation. I inhaled and raised my head. This was Edward; I had to remind myself, the same guy who treated me with compassion and respect most of the time. While I wasn't ready for marriage at that exact moment, it wasn't going to kill me to indulge his imagination. I inhaled another breath and raised my head.

“Never mind,” he muttered. “It was a stupid idea anyway.”

I don't think I was meant to hear, but I answered nevertheless.

“It's red,” I blurted out.

“Huh?” Edward asked in confusion.

“It's. Red,” I said again, enunciating each word.

He stared at me blankly for a few seconds, and then his eyes went wide with realization. He knew, after the words had registered, he'd tried to give me a ring with a red faux stone—a color I hated with a passion.

“You've got a deal if you have a blue one,” I said softly.

He threw the ring still in his hand on the floor. Immediately, he began bringing out other cases, inspecting each one for color. Hoping, I assumed, to find the right one.

“Red…no. Green, um, no. Yellow, nope. Red, fuck…no. Yellow, oh come on,” Edward rambled as he checked each case.

I snickered quietly. Edward was entirely too serious on his quest. It was slightly amusing, watching him pull them out one by one and then toss them aside, trying frantically to find one in blue.

“Ah-ha!” he crowed.

Edward sauntered over toward the bed and flopped down on it. He opened the plastic case and slid it into his hand. There sat a ring similar to the others, except in blue. A crooked smile spread across his face. He grabbed my hand, holding out my ring finger.

“Remember, you already agreed,” Edward murmured. I smiled and nodded.

“Marry me,” he said with intense emotion.

“Okay,” I whispered.

He placed the fake ring on my finger, and I looked down to inspect it. The thin, adjustable band was a little tight on my finger. The prongs holding the blue plastic were huge, and it was set a tad off center. It was the cheesiest thing I'd ever received, but because it had come from Edward, I immediately loved it.

He grabbed my chin and nudged it upward. I complied, meeting him in a slow and sensual kiss that was filled with unspoken promises. Everything, except Edward, melted away as his tongue massaged mine. I felt his hand grab the back of my neck, and the other glided across my hip. My hands buried themselves in his luscious auburn locks. Our kiss began to get more heated, and I began to crawl onto his lap. He pulled away, breathless, and stilled me.

“Wait…just a minute,” he begged.

I stared at him, confused. He ran his nose against my jaw line, and I shivered. Next, he began placing small kisses on my neck.

“I love you,” I moaned.

“You have no idea how much I do, too,” he promised.

“I'm going to ask you for real, someday in the future, and you're going to say yes,” he groaned.

“You're so sure of yourself, aren't you?” I asked in a breathless tone.

He pulled away and looked right at me. “Of course,” he said. “I've got plenty of time to plead my case, and I'm going to win.” He smiled his cocky grin.

“Because,” Edward continued. “I'm nothing without my girl.”

~.~.~.~

Silent tears streaked down my face. The ring, from his fake proposal, sat in my hand. It burned and mocked me, because it was a reminder of how much I'd taken things for granted.

All I had left were bittersweet memories. The good from the past was infected with my poor decisions and his. I didn't know where we would go from there, or if it was even possible to fix the mess both of us had created. It seemed I was destined to sit in purgatory, waiting for absolution or damnation by Edward, before I would know how the rest of my future would play out.

Looking around, surrounded by the ghosts of our relationship, I knew sleeping in there was a bad idea. Who knew what horrors awaited me in my dreams? Yeah, I wasn't going to chance it.

I balled up the comforter on my bed and grabbed the pillow. Quickly, I went to the bedroom door. Placing my ear to it, I waited to see if I could hear any noise. There was none, so I opened the door and headed downstairs.

I was grateful the living room was dark when I entered. It meant that Charlie and Sue were already in bed, and I didn't have to explain my actions. Carefully, I maneuvered to the couch and began setting down my things.

While I straightened out the duvet, I noticed something lying on top. I turned on the lamp on the side of the couch. Nestled in the creases was the ring, I picked it up and was flooded with its significance once again.


	9. Invisible

July 19, 2003

I stood nervously outside Edward's room. That morning, when I'd called Esme, she'd said Carlisle wanted to talk to me when I got to the hospital. So, I'd eaten breakfast quickly and asked my father to take me to get my car. There was no way I was depending on someone for transportation again. While it had been nice to have Charlie around the day before, I wanted to be able to come and go as I pleased.

Gathering my nerves, I raised my hand to knock on the closed door. However, Carlisle opened it and was about to leave before my fist met the wood. He looked weary and sleep deprived and worried blue eyes looked up at me. He motioned for me to follow him, walking toward a small waiting room. I entered behind him and sat in one of the slightly padded chairs. He closed the door and sat across from me; his head fell into his hands.

Watching this man crumble before me scared the shit out of me. Panic began to bubble inside of me, threatening to take me down, but I tried to maintain a calm facade. Carlisle looked like a stiff wind would knock him over. He didn't need to deal with my anguish. His hands glided over his face, and then he looked up at me.

“I wanted to prepare you before you went into Edward's room,” Carlisle explained. “I'm sorry we didn't call you last night, but I didn't want you to worry.”

I stared dumbly at him. He definitely had my attention. Many scenarios of what could have happened swirled in my mind.

“He is off of the sedatives and is very, um, restless,” he continued. “Sometime this afternoon, they are sending him for another scan to track the progression of the swelling.”

“So, the treatment didn't work? I thought they were keeping him sedated?” I questioned.

“Don't worry, Bella. These things take time. He's in capable hands.”

“Anything else?” I asked in a sharp tone. Obviously, I wasn't important enough to be kept informed when Edward's condition had changed. It was my chance to gather as much as I could, and I was going to take it.

When he didn't answer me, I took his silence as a no, so I stood up and walked to the door. A hand reached out and grabbed me. I stopped, turning to face Carlisle.

“I know you must be feeling upset and confused,” Carlisle murmured. “But I promise…everything that can be done is being done...”

I yanked my arm away and all of my emotions rose to the surface. How dare he try to play the concerned father? After everything this man had done to Edward, how could he sit there and act like it was his right?

“Look,” I snapped. “I get that you are his father but how dare you keep me out of the loop. I may or may not be his girlfriend at the moment, but I'm still the one person that knows him better than anyone. You know that if Edward was awake right now, he'd be pissed that you have kept me in the dark. The fact that you are a doctor means nothing. You don't have the first clue what he'd want. So from now on, if it's not too much trouble, I would like to know what’s going on.”

Carlisle stood in front of me, shocked. Really, I think that was the first time I'd ever talked to him in that manner. Propriety had flown out the window, though, and shattered to pieces on the pavement below. Edward couldn't fight for himself, so I had to let go of my insecurities and do it for him.

I turned and left him standing there. My hands were shaking violently as I headed toward the hospital room and nausea took up residence in the pit of my stomach. I had never felt like punching someone and throwing up simultaneously in my life.

With each step, I tried to calm myself. Walking in there all worked up wasn't going to help anything. Edward needed me, and I had to have the best possible mindset before I could offer any comfort.

Nothing could have prepared me for what I walked in on. Edward lay on the bed, and the sheets were twisted around his pelvis and torso. His wrists were restrained with padded cuffs that were attached to the bed frame, and his arms were laid out at his side, moving constantly within his limited range. His legs shifted continuously, with no pattern or purpose.

There was a male nurse seated on his left side, so I decided to take my place on Edward's right. I stood before him and could see his eyes. The striking green that had always been Edward's best attention grabber was gone. It had been replaced with a cold, lifeless black color. A long, mournful moan escaped him, and he bowed upward. I placed my hands on the side of his face as I whispered words of love and comfort. He stared at the wall behind me. There was no recognition of what I'd said. He just continued to moan and shift.

“They gave him something for the pain, but I don't think it's working,” a male voice said.

I looked over at the man sitting next to him. He was large, with big brown eyes, dark skin, and short dark hair. Okay, maybe _large_ wasn't the right word. The guy looked like he should be a defensive end on a football team, not working in a small hospital in Forks.

“I'm Jacob, by the way. I'll be his nurse tonight. They want someone in here, since he's moving around so much,” he said, answering the question I was sure was on my face.

“How's he doing, really?” I asked.

“You're the girlfriend, right?” he asked in a worried tone.

It caught me off guard. “Um, I'm Bella.”

He blew out a breath. “Oh, good. Dr. Cullen was specific on who was to be given information. Only you, the mother, and him are allowed to know about Edward's condition,” Jacob replied.

Suddenly I felt like shit. Not half an hour before, I'd blind-sided Carlisle with my tirade, and he'd already given the staff permission to inform me about what was going on. I really needed to get a hold of myself—and possibly grovel for the good doctor's forgiveness. 

“As you can see, he has an IV and oxygen,” Jacob said while pointing to Edward's hand and then his face. The IV was taped to the skin on his hand. An oxygen tube was placed in his nose, wrapped around his ears, and fastened in place under his chin.

“Along with the saline drip, they've also ordered an antibiotic to be administered through the IV. I've been giving him pain medication every four to six hours intravenously.”

“I was told they got back the results from checking his head yesterday, but I wasn't given specifics. What did they say?” I inquired.

Jacob picked up a manila folder off the table in front of him. He opened it and flipped through a few pages. A few minutes passed as he read the information in front of him.

“It says here that there was a considerable amount of swelling, as well as bruising, on the front and sides of the brain. Also, he has a hematoma located in the back of his skull.” 

“Hematoma?” I asked.

“Yeah, it's like a collection of clotted blood. It's not helping his situation,” Jacob stated with a frown.

I paled. _This is not good. No, this is worse than I thought_. It was easy, finally, to understand why Edward was in pain. He continued to shift his arms, legs, and torso on the bed. Small moans and groans would accompany the motion at times, but other times he was quiet. Through all of it, the grimace never left his flushed face.

I raised a shaky hand and ran it through his sweat-soaked hair. My Edward; no wait, I couldn't call him that anymore. The thought saddened me, and I felt like a fraud, sitting there keeping vigil when his family had every right to ban me from his side. Their support and inclusion puzzled me. Esme knew, and I was sure Carlisle had been told that I'd ended things. How could they look at me with anything but contempt? I’d helped put him in that bed with my callous words. I didn't deserve their compassion and understanding.

“So, how did you two meet?” Jacob asked, pulling me out of my self-deprecating thoughts.

“Um, we went to high school together,” I answered.

He nodded his head and smiled. For some reason, he seemed interested in our story, so I obliged. I gave him an edited version of the last few years. During the conversation, my hand never left Edward. It helped me stay grounded while keeping away the dark thoughts.

“It sounds like you really love him,” Jacob mused when I finished.

“Yeah,” I said, voice cracking. “I really do.”

“Shi...shoot,” he said. “I'm sorry; I didn't mean to upset you.”

“No, it's okay. It's just...” I started. Could I really admit to the stranger my misdeeds? The man was an outsider and had no idea about Edward's addiction. But, then again, maybe that was what I needed. The calm and accepting way Edward’s parents treated me had made me feel guiltier about the situation. It was possible that the guy would chew me out for what I'd done and tell me I was a horrible person.

“I, ah, broke up with him right before he was hurt,” I admitted. “He was so upset, and he wasn't himself.  I feel like this is all my fault.”

“I saw the toxicology report,” Jacob said.

I looked up at him. There was no accusation or anger on his face, only a calm stare.

“I get it. You feel like you're at fault for what happened. But, Bella, based on the level of alcohol in his system, he wasn't aware of what was going on. Even if he comes out of this in good condition, he isn’t going to remember. You are not to blame. Maybe this will be his wake up call. I know some people that have, um, problems have to hit bottom. I can't think of how Edward could fall farther than this.”

I was stunned. Here was another person who refused to see I was guilty. I wanted to believe him, but it was hard.

Jacob and I made small talk after his speech. He told me about his life on the reservation. I hadn't been there before, so it was fascinating to hear him describe the land he lived on. What really caught my attention was when he talked about the tide pools. I could imagine seeing them—little ecosystems independent of the ocean that teemed with life.

Edward groaned and pulled me out of my little fantasy. He turned his head toward me and opened his mouth. I ran the back of my hand over his cheek. His teeth snapped at me, and I pulled back.

“Whoa, be careful,” Jacob gently warned.

I switched my ministrations to his hair, my fingers combing through the wet locks. I had hoped that my touch would soothe him, but he continued with his movements. His legs never ceased, nor did his arms. He was on autopilot, yet his movements were lethargic. It was almost like his strength was gone, but he could not stop.

Eventually, his thrashing caused his gown to ride up and the sheet to fall past his hips. I leaned over and fixed them, wanting to give him a modicum of modesty. Jacob watched carefully, though he didn't intervene. It was evident he sensed I had to do it, if for nothing else than to feel useful.  The clock on the wall let me know it was one-thirty. I had been there for three hours and nothing had changed.

A sharp knock sounded on the wooden door, and then two nurses wheeled a gurney into a room. The man and woman made their way to the bed. I moved out of their way, and they stopped when they reached Edward. They pulled the sheet down and pushed the gurney next to him. Each unhooked his restraints, undid the IV, removed the oxygen, and then grabbed the small sheet under him in their hands. Edward was lifted up slightly and placed on the stretcher. After unlocking the wheels and securing him, the nurses pushed him out of the room.

I went back to my chair and sat down. There was nothing I could do then but wait. In my haste to get there, I forgot to pack anything to keep me busy. Besides, I left my bag was outside in my rush to check on Edward, so it really wouldn't have helped anyway. Jacob, I noticed, was writing something in a large red book. Hmm. I guess watching TV was what I was going to do to keep my mind occupied.

As I reached over the empty bed to use the remote, another person knocked, softer this time. I called out for whoever it was to come in. The door opened, and Esme stepped inside. She had a brown paper bag clutched to her side. I jumped up to help her, but she shooed me away and went over to the sink by the entrance. A wonderful smell began to permeate the room. Bless her, she had brought food. She handed me a plate, and I accepted graciously. It was pointless to refuse her. A mother through and through, she wasn't satisfied until those she cared about were fed.

“How is he, dear?” Esme asked.

“They just came and took him a little while ago. Other than that, nothing has changed,” I replied.

She nodded her head absentmindedly. Then, she turned to Jacob and offered him something to eat. He declined. Yeah, she wasn't having that. I was entertained for the next few minutes by Esme trying to guilt him into accepting, and Jacob’s feeble attempts to refuse. In the end, Esme was victorious. When I finished, Esme took the plate from me and put it back in the bag. We chatted about nothing in particular, just random things to keep us from thinking about Edward. 

An hour later, Edward was brought back. He was still and never moved as the nurses transferred him to his hospital bed. They secured his wrists once again and then snapped the bed rails in place. The covers were drawn over his torso, and the two left the same way they came—without a word to anyone.

Jacob got up from his seat and began hooking Edward back up. He was careful as he attached the IV tube to Edward's arm. Next, he gently wound the oxygen tube behind his head, placed it over his ears and in his nose, and slid a small plastic slider to keep it in place. The restraints were put back on and checked; To make sure they weren't too tight, I assumed.

My body gravitated to Edward when Jacob was finished, and I resumed running my fingers though his hair. It couldn't be helped. Reality had become a dark and desolate place without him. _How in the hell was I going to survive if he chose his addictions over me?_ I wondered _._ I had gone from all but cutting him out of my life to clinging to what was left of my—fuck it, my boyfriend. I surrendered. Until the time came to sort out the mess our relationship was in, I was going to embrace being his girlfriend.

“He's so quiet and peaceful right now,” I mumbled to no one in particular.

“It won't last long,” Jacob promised. “I don't know if it's his body's tolerance to chemical substances or what, but soon he'll be moving around again.”

“Oh,” I whispered.

Damn it, couldn't we catch a break? I mean, when he was awake—for a lack of a better word—it was like he was running a marathon. Yet, he made no progress. It was gut-wrenching to watch his body thrash and flail as he moaned. My sanity lay ripped to pieces each time I caught a glimpse of his dilated pupils. I missed Edward and his crooked grin. I yearned to feel him next to me, lying in our bed, touching my hair or face, and whispering conversations in the dark. Angrily, I wiped the tears starting to trickle down my face.

Esme came behind me and wrapped her arms around me. I let her hold me. At that moment, it was the closest I was going to get to the man I loved. She was part of him, and I welcomed the substitute in his absence.

“How are you holding up?” Esme whispered in my ear.

“I don't know,” I answered honestly.

“Shh, it's alright, Bella,” Esme cooed as she rocked me back and forth. The tears continued to flow with no signs of stopping. I tried to control the sounds that wanted to come out for fear that Edward could somehow hear us. There was no way I was going to add to whatever hell he was experiencing. Wherever he was, it was my hope that he was unaware of the pain I was in.

She let go of me. Confused, I watched her walk to the other side of the room and grab a hard, plastic chair. Esme set the chair next to mine and sat, motioning for me to take my seat. I sat down, never taking my eyes off of Edward. Scooting closer, she reached out and enclosed me in her arms once more. I laid my head on her shoulder.

A muffled cry came from the small bed. Edward was moving around again. His eyes were open but focused on nothing. I grabbed his hand and interlaced my fingers with his. Without warning, his hand balled up. Fingers became curled around mine. I squeezed his hand gently, as a silent gesture to show I was there.

“Baby, I’m right here. I'm not going anywhere, okay?” I said, my eyes tearing up again. “I love you so much.”

Edward didn't respond, but then again, I didn't expect him to. It was becoming easier, as time went on, to accept his silence. That fact, in its self, was scary.

I let go of his hand and stood. Motioning for Esme to take his hand, I walked around to the head of the bed. The space between it and the wall was quite large, so it was easy to slide in. I stared down at Edward. I leaned over and kissed him on the forehead, and he groaned. Jacob sat in his chair, monitoring us and writing in his book. He never interfered. I knew, though, if we needed him, he wouldn't hesitate to step in. 

We stayed in our positions as Edward became more animated. Again, he was thrashing about, unaware of our presence. Still, Esme sat with him, holding his hand in hers, and I stood behind him whispering my love to him. Every time his back arched upward, making his head tip back, I kissed his forehead. We watched helplessly as, with each passing moment, he became more agitated.

Suddenly, the door swung open and the room began to fill up with hospital staff. Doctors and nurses flooded the small space. Esme jumped up and I pulled myself from behind the bed. A cart was brought in and wheeled next to the bed in the space Jacob had just moved from. A male doctor with large blue eyes and red hair walked over to Esme.

“Are you Mr. Cullen’s mother?” he asked.

“I am,” she replied shakily.

“I need you to sign these consent forms,” he stated. A clipboard with papers was shoved into her face. She took it from his hand, and she looked at him curiously. I stood dumbfounded, watching the exchange.

“What is going on?” Esme demanded.

“No one’s told you?” he asked.

“Told me what?” she asked. Her voice rose with each word.

“I'm sorry, ma’am, but we have a helicopter on its way, and we need to get him ready. The swelling has gotten worse, and is pushing against the skull. It is imperative that Mr. Cullen be transported to Seattle General. They have the best Neurosurgery unit in the state, and he will have the best chance of survival there.”  
Esme froze. I felt like I was going to pass out.

“Neurosurgery? Are you telling me they are going to cut my baby boy open?” Esme said weakly.

“That is exactly what I am saying. Unless they get him opened up and relieve some of the pressure, your son will die.”

Esme looked down at the brown clipboard. There was a pen attached to the top with Velcro. She pulled it off and turned toward a shelf next to her. Placing it down, she bent over and began scribbling across the pages. Seconds later, she handed it back to him.

He took it and asked for us to step back. Mechanically, I inched backwards until my back hit the wall. I watched in horror as the team around us converged on Edward. One nurse picked up the hand that held his IV, pulling out an alcohol swab and ran it across the opening. She turned slightly, leaving me to stare at her back. After a few minutes, she backed away, throwing the syringe into the trash. I could see Edward and saw that whatever they had given him was strong, because he calmed immediately.

The rest of the team got to work after that. The red-haired doctor removed a metal contraption off of the cart, placing it near Edward's mouth. Another man gently grabbed his head and held his mouth open. It was placed inside, and then the doctor pushed it down his throat. Next, he picked up a plastic tube, which was placed down Edward's throat, as well. He finished by holding the tube with one hand and pulling out the metal contraption with the other. The tube stayed in his mouth, taped down the side of his cheek. Blood trickled down from the corner.

Edward was prodded, shifted, and shoved around. His body moved with each disturbance, but I knew he couldn't feel it. One of the nurses placed another IV in his arm. I felt Esme stiffen beside me.

“Excuse me,” she said. The group of medical professionals continued working on Edward and didn’t show any signs they had heard her.

“Excuse me!” Esme yelled.

Everyone froze for a split second and then went back to their task. One of the nurses, the same one that was placing the IV in Edward’s arm, broke from the pack.

“Can I help you, ma’am?” she asked.

“What are you people doing to my baby? Is it really necessary to stick him with so many needles?” she asked, panic laced in her words.

“I’m sorry. I know this must be hard on you, but I promise, the new IV is so he won’t have to be stuck with a needle every time we need to draw blood.”

Esme nodded and wiped her eyes. The nurse smiled slightly at us then went back to Edward. She resumed sticking him with that huge needle, placing some tubes next to him. Moving slightly, Edward was again out of our sight.

As they moved around, we got peeks of things being placed on him. We could see that circular pads connected to gray wires which were stuck to his chest. Tubes and wires ran under the gown, going to places unknown.  He was rolled over and placed on a wooden board. I caught the sight of blood on his gown and wondered where it had come from. Another person came in with a gurney. He was lifted and secured to it, and then they rushed him out of the room.

As I watched the love of my life leave me, my legs gave out. I collapsed onto the floor, landing on my hands with a smack. Loud, gut-wrenching sobs poured out of me. A pair of arms wrapped around my back and I was pulled to a small, warm body. I didn't show any signs that I felt it. In fact, my body was starting to go cold.

_Love. Life. Meaning. Over._

My entire existence had crashed and burned within a matter of minutes. Edward had a real chance of dying. The darkness that had been threatening to consume me earlier began tugging at me again. Nothingness seemed better than the gaping hole that was forming in my chest. I didn't know what I was going to do if Edward...No, there was no way I was going to let that train of thought continue.

My mind had other ideas, though. Images of a lost future raced through.

_A wedding day._

_Edward wore a black suit with a white tie, standing at the end of an aisle that was covered in white silk and peach roses. Jasper was next to him, patting his shoulder. Alice wore a strapless peach dress, flowing onto the floor. She was standing opposite her brother, holding a bunch of flowers, peach roses and white calla lilies, tied with a white ribbon in her hand. Charlie and I walked down the aisle with my arm in his. I wore a strapless white gown, which gathered at the waist and flared outward at the bottom. My dad, in a black suit and tie matching Edward's, kissed me on the cheek, giving me away to the love of my life._

_We said our vows, trying to hold in our emotions as the words were spoken. Edward smiled triumphantly as we were pronounced husband and wife, and he swept me up in a passionate kiss when the minister said the words “you may kiss the bride.” Family and friends surrounded us at our reception. And, when it was time, Edward stole me away to our honeymoon._

_The vision shifted, and I saw our house._

_Only, there was laughter instead of loneliness encased within the walls. A little girl with brown eyes and auburn hair chased a smaller boy with brown hair and green eyes around the living room. They giggled, and the girl playfully promised to catch him. I saw Edward standing off to the side, laughing. His eyes twinkled as he took in the scene._

_Holidays._

_Barbecues in our spacious backyard._

_Anniversaries spent in exotic locations while the children stayed with one set of grandparents or the other._

_Graduations._

_The birth of grandchildren._

_Large family gatherings, watching our children become the parents and people we knew they could be_.

All of those possibilities disappeared with Edward as he left that hospital room. If I were a weaker person, I would have gone home and slit my wrists, watched as the blood pooled in the bathtub water, and said goodbye to the demons haunting me. I wasn't that person, though. In my opinion, suicide was reserved for the selfish and weak-minded. While I was a pushover at times, I would never allow myself to be that cowardly. I couldn't do that to everyone I loved. Especially, when Edward's possible...I couldn’t even think of the word…would shred us to pieces.

“Bella, you have to get up,” Esme commanded.

“I can't,” I cried out. “I-I,”

“Get off of this floor. _Now_ , young lady,” she called out in a stern voice.

I raised my head. Esme was on her knees beside me. Her face was blotchy and tear-stained, but her eyes...they had a fire in them that I'd never seen before. I was a little scared as I looked at her. She stood, pulling me under my arm. I came up off of the ground on shaky legs.

“I am not going to sit here and watch you fall apart. Right now, we have to get to Seattle. Edward is counting on us, and I, for one, will not let him down.”

It took a few seconds for her words to register, but once they did, an all-consuming urgency grabbed hold. I had to get to Seattle General. Edward was on his way there, fighting for his very life. Esme was right. It was not the time to lose it.

 “I'm sorry, I...” I started. The apology was stuck in my throat.

“There's no need to apologize, Bella. I understand. Now, do you need a ride? I just have to call Carlisle,” she said.

“No, I drove myself. Thank you, but I'll take my car,” I replied.

“Are you sure? We would be more than happy to take you,” she said.

“Really,” I insisted. “I have some things I need to get. I'll have Charlie go with me.”

“Okay, if that's what you want.” Esme relented, and she pulled me into a tight embrace. I reciprocated the gesture, soaking up the warmth and care.

We parted and left the room. On the way down to the car, I ran through my head what I would need. There was a good possibility I'd be in Seattle for a while, and I didn't want to have to come back for anything. A list began to form in my head. I'd need clothes, toiletries, and something to keep me occupied.

I tried to keep these thoughts in the front of my mind. To think of anything else, like the reason for my trip, would send me into oblivion, where, I was certain, I would never resurface.

I entered the car and drove out of the parking lot, making it home within minutes. Running though the house, I threw things I might need into my overnight bag. It was hard, but I managed to keep myself together. I never lingered in one place for too long. When I finished, I ran out the door. The house looked like a tornado had hit it, but at that moment I couldn’t have cared less. Time was not my friend at the moment.

Then I raced to Charlie's house. It was after five, so he should have been home. When I pulled into the driveway, however, his truck was missing. _Damn it._

I walked up to the front door and rang the doorbell. Sue answered with a smile, but it fell when she saw my face. I didn't know what kind of expression I was wearing, but it must have been bad because she ushered me inside and asked what was going on. I tried to explain with as little detail as possible. The sight of Edward being pushed out the door was still fresh, and I didn't think I could rehash it.

“They airlifted Edward to Seattle. I really need Dad...where is he? Has he gotten off work yet?” I babbled.  I was losing it fast. There was no way I would be able to sit in a car for four hours with only my thoughts to keep me company. He had to get home soon. I really needed to get on the road. They were going to start the surgery, and I wasn't going to be there. The walls began to close in on me, and it was becoming harder and harder to breathe. My vision was going dark. _Oh God, is this what it feels like to die?_ I wondered.

“Bella!” Sue yelled. “Look at me. That's it, honey. Come and sit down. You need to calm down.”

I stared at her but complied. I sat on the couch as she encouraged me to take deep breaths.

“Charlie was called to assist in a hunting accident,” Sue told me calmly. “He called a little bit ago and told me not to worry about supper because he would probably be late.”

I hung my head.

 _Fuck_.

I guess I would be going to Seattle by myself, after all.

“I know I'm not Charlie, but I'll go with you if you want. I'd hate for you to drive by yourself. Besides, when you get there, you might need someone. If you are okay with it, I'd like to be there for you,” Sue suggested.

I considered her offer. It would be nice to have someone with me, even if it wasn't Charlie. Sue would be a good substitute. Truth be told, I liked her. She was good for my father. I thought for sure he'd be alone for the rest of his life, but when Sue's first husband died, Charlie helped her and her teenage kids out. They formed a bond, and it was nice to see my dad get that spark back in his eyes. I knew that when Renee left him, he'd all but given up on love. Sue, however, made him believe again. I would always be grateful because of that.

My mind was made up. Sue was just what I needed in that moment. Not a mother, but someone that knew what I was going through.

“If it's not too much trouble, I would love it if you went with me, Sue.”

She nodded her head and left the room. Minutes later, she returned with a bag in her hand. We walked outside, and in the distance, I could see the sun setting. The sky erupted in purples, pinks, oranges, and yellows. I didn't know what would happen once we made it to Seattle, but I did know that I had to be there.

We got into my car. Sue insisted on driving, and I was secretly thankful. I wasn't sure I could have made the long drive in my state. As we pulled onto the 101 outside of Forks, I could see the road stretch out before us. It was a metaphor for my life. An unending path of the unknown was laid out before me. It was dark, and I sensed the storm up ahead. I refused to lose myself in panic, though, and began my journey to Seattle. 


	10. Nobody's Daughter

June 19, 2003

I sat in silence, with my feet in the seat and my arms wrapped around my knees, as we drove down the 101. Traffic was sparse, but the compulsion to get to Seattle General was trying to claw its way out. Sue, of course, drove as fast as she could while obeying the traffic laws. Still, I had to beat back the desire to tell her I'd pay the ticket if she'd just go faster. 

My head leaned against the window, and I watched the cars pass by us. All of them probably had a mundane destination; the drivers might be going to work, visiting a relative, or off to some place for fun. Try as I might, I couldn't feel anything but envy toward them. While I was rushing to a horror I couldn't have imagined in my wildest dreams, they were off to a place that wouldn't cause them stress, heartache, or pain. I hoped, as the tears began, they knew how lucky they were and how fortunate it was their loved ones were safe and not on the precipice of death.

Edward's last moments in that hospital room were still fresh, and I could almost smell the blood. One of the hardest things I'd ever witnessed was watching helplessly as he was prepped to leave. He had always been my protector, lover, and heart—now he was in the biggest fight of his life. _Get yourself together_ , I thought as I angrily swiped away my tears. Sue was, thankfully, quiet during my mental breakdown. My mind drifted, trying to protect itself from the hell raging inside me. 

~.~.~.~

July 20, 2000

I lay naked and spent on top of Edward, enjoying the rare sun on my back. His hands ran up and down my sides, and a satisfied smile graced his lips. When he'd suggested we go to our favorite place, a small clearing deep in the forest, I'd been skeptical. Forks wasn't known for its hiker-friendly weather, and I didn't want to be caught out in a downpour. The elements had cooperated and as I was basking in post-coital bliss, I was glad I'd agreed to come. 

Since graduation, there had been no time for Edward and I to spend together. Parties, friends, family dinners, and parents had taken up all of our spare moments, not to mention, a ridiculous amount of college and future talk. I still was undecided about what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. At eighteen, it was hard to imagine what kind of career I'd want to have for the next twenty, thirty, or forty years.

The day had been flawless and exactly what we'd both needed. We had come to our secret spot with a picnic basket and a quilt. Edward had insisted on being the one to bring the food, so we'd munched on peanut butter and grape jelly sandwiches, sliced apples, chips, and juice boxes. It was so juvenile but so Edward, and that made it perfect. A patchwork quilt was draped across the grass, and we lounged on it. Enjoying each other’s company had turned into a heated make out session, and the heavy petting had turned into sex. While it wasn't the reason we'd ventured to this location, the release was welcomed.

“I love you,” Edward whispered into my hair. I smiled and buried my head into his chest.

“Love you, too,” I mumbled.

He slid his hands down to my ass, grabbing the flesh and cupping it. I pressed myself into him firmly as a show of affection. Edward rolled us over so we were on our sides and scooted down so we were facing each other.

I brushed my hand across his cheek, enjoying the roughness of his stubble. His eyes closed, and he tilted his head to the side. I loved moments like this, lying naked in each other’s arms without a care in the world. He turned his head and captured my mouth in a kiss, easing his tongue past my lips. There was no rush, no urgency, only love and devotion. I ended it with a few pecks and looked into his eyes. How I ever got lucky enough to love and be loved by Edward I'd never know, but I wasn't going to question it.

“So...” Edward started. “Have you decided where you're going yet?”

“No, but I need to soon,” I said.

College had been a touchy subject with Edward the last few months. Ever since Carlisle had started in on the importance of choosing a good undergraduate medical program, Edward had refused to discuss the topic. He had never wanted to follow in Carlisle's footsteps, but the elder Cullen ignored that fact. Instead, he all but pushed Edward to apply to his alma mater, Yale, and a few other Ivy League schools. Edward indulged him at first, by taking the applications only to throw them away later, applying to only the schools he wanted. However, when Carlisle discovered, by accident, what his son was doing, he flew into a rage. It was pretty bad, from what I was told, and Edward ended up sneaking into my room that night. I never understood Carlisle's obsession with Edward becoming a doctor. My dad, and even my scatterbrained mother, just wanted me to be happy and choose a major I saw myself enjoying.

“Oh,” Edward said. He left his statement hanging in the air. I'd known for a while that he'd decided to not go to college and was trying to find a job instead. Edward encouraged me to make a decision and go experience life. I was holding out on choosing a school because I hoped he would change his mind and pick one of the schools that had accepted both of us.

“Edward, why don't you just look at some of the schools...?” I started to say. Edward shook his head with a scowl, cutting off my inquiry. He untangled himself from me and reached behind him to grab his gray boxers. I watched him sit up and put them on. He brought his knees up to his chest, folding himself over and hugged his legs. I rose up and shuffled over the pile of discarded clothes on the other side of the blanket. Edward's shirt was on top of the pile, so I grabbed it and put it on. The fabric was warm from the sun's rays beating down on it. Crawling behind Edward, I got up on my knees and pressed my chest against his back. My head lay on his shoulder, and I reached up and ran my fingers through his silky auburn hair. The tension began to dissipate, and he leaned into me.

“You should just forget about me, decide on a school, and find some rich college boy that will love you like you deserve,” Edward advised. I stilled, upset by his words. What was he trying to say, that he didn't want me anymore?

“Why would you say something like that?” I whispered.

“Because it's true,” he said.

I stood up and began to quickly search for my clothes. Tears streamed down my cheeks while I started to put them on. Large hands grabbed my wrists from behind, stopping me. My eyes closed when I felt the heat of his hands. His touch burned me and me feel great pain.

“So, what...you just brought me here to fuck me one last time before you dumped me?” I asked. Edward pulled me into him, crossing his arms over my chest and burying his face in my hair. He held me tight, and I wanted to cry. I didn't, though, because I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of my tears. He didn't need to know how bad he'd broken me.

“No, that's not why we came here. I just...” he paused. He turned me around and looked into my eyes.

“Fuck,” he muttered.

 “When you go off to college, you're going to find someone better, and eventually, you'll leave me,” he confessed. I started to argue, but he placed his finger on my lips. It was a silent plea to let him finish.

“I just wanted to have you one last time, before you realize what a worthless loser I am.”

“I'm not going,” I said.

“Bella...” Edward warned.

“No,” I said. I held my hand up, cutting him off. “This is bullshit. One moment we're having sex and you're telling me you love me, and then the next you say that I need to go to school so I can find someone else? No, I don't want anyone else. I'm not going.”

He blew out a heavy breath and stared at me. I squared my shoulders, prepared to fight him on this. Like always, Edward was making decisions about my life based on his skewed sense of right and wrong. This was not a war he was going to win.

He grabbed a hold of his hair and pulled hard. “Damn it, Bella. Can't you see I'm trying to do what's best here? I'm not cut out for college.”

I glared at him, daring him to continue. “I don’t care. I love you, and I'm not going anywhere. I'd rather wait a year...or whatever if it will give you some peace of mind. Maybe...” I paused. “You’ll find something you're interested in and we can go together.”

I pleaded with my eyes for him to understand. What I really wanted was for him to go, too. He didn't want to be a doctor; I was fine with that. However, the possibilities were endless, and Edward could find something else that interested him. He was silent, and his hands were still buried in his hair.  I reached for his hands and massaged them, hoping to coax him into relaxing his grip. He lowered his head and placed his forehead on mine while his hands dropped to his side.

“Bella, please,” Edward pleaded with me. “Let me, for once, do the right thing.”

“But it's not. Don't you see? I need you,” I begged.

He closed his eyes and swept me up in his arms, crushing me to his body. My face was buried in the crook of his neck. I began placing kisses there, and he squeezed tighter.

“Baby, please, I want you to have everything, and if you stay, I'll hold you back. I don't know if I can let you go if you don't do it now,” Edward whispered into my hair.

I held him closer, trying to show him without words my love for him. He lowered me to the ground and placed his hands on my hips. My hands slid from his hair, down the sides of his face, and rested on his forearms.

“Then don't. Don't let me go,” I urged.

Edward crashed his lips against mine, meeting me in a hungry kiss. His tongue invaded my mouth, dominating me. I was raised off of the ground, and we moved. Seconds later, he lowered me onto the quilt, my mouth still attached to his. He broke the kiss and pulled his shirt off of me. His hands kneaded the skin on my torso while I fastened my mouth to the side of his neck. I sucked hard, wanting him to know he belonged to me.

“Oh God, Bella,” Edward grunted.

His hands left me, and then I watched as he slid his boxers down his pelvis and legs. When they were off, he laid his body on top of mine, taking my face between his hands. I opened up for him, and he lined his pelvis up with mine.

“Are you sure?” he asked in a soft voice. “I'm never going to be able to watch you walk out of my life after this, so I need to know if this is what you want.”

My heart melted and my stomach clenched with his words.

“Yes, Edward. I've never been more sure of anything in my life,” I promised.

I gasped as he entered me without warning. Foreplay wasn't necessary; we were both ready and needed to claim each other. He began to thrust roughly, holding onto my hips and digging into the flesh. I threw my head back, and he began placing open-mouthed kisses on my neck and under my ear. They made me shiver with pleasure, and with each press of his lips, I could feel the intensity of his possessive claim to me.

“You...are...my...girl,” he groaned. Each word was punctuated with a rough, powerful thrust. I reached up and gripped the sides of his hair, pulling his mouth to mine. His tongue pushed its way in, and he dominated with his hot mouth. Surrendering to his demand, I relaxed and took all that he gave me. Placing my legs around his calves. I held tight to him as he pounded me into the earth. His cock hit that delicious sweet spot inside of me, causing me to try and match his pace.

“Ohhhhhhh, Edward,” I cried.

He pulled back and looked down at me, stopping completely. I started to complain, but he rose up on his knees and flipped me over onto my stomach. His large hands returned to my hips and yanked my ass into the air. I felt his teeth sink into my lower cheeks and I let out a yelp. Christ, his bite made my spine tingle and my outer lips quiver. He chuckled and then pushed inside me slowly with a moan.

“Oh, fuck me. God, you feel so good like this!” Edward called out.

He began his brutal advance again and a smacking sound echoed though the open space. My head rested on my crossed forearms, and I could feel every inch of him inside me. My entire being began to detach from my body, and I knew I was about to come. Suddenly, he pulled me up by my hair, making my back arch. I tried to support myself with my arms, but they felt like rubber.

“Edward, I—I,” I pleaded.

Edward must have read my mind, because he reached underneath me and pulled me into his lap, never breaking his movements. My hands grabbed the back of his head, holding on to his auburn hair, and my head lolled back on his shoulder. I felt one hand latch onto my breast while the other dipped down and began circling my clit. Incoherent babble fell from my lips, unable to express the feelings racing through me. Edward was my everything, and I knew my happiness, love, safety, and well-being was wrapped up in him. His demanding hands, possessive thrusts, and rough kisses told me that I was crucial to his survival and that he finally understood we could never be separated without killing the other. 

It was too much, and I began to feel my release. My mouth opened in a silent scream, and my pussy convulsed, milking him for all he was worth.

“That's it, baby,” Edward crooned in my ear. “See how I make you feel. Only I do this. Ungh.”

He began to impale me on his cock harder, and I moved my pelvis up and down as I rode out my orgasm.

“You're mine. Say it,” he demanded.

“I'm yours, always yours!” I screamed. The last of my release fluttered through me, making me slump forward. Edward wrapped his arm around my torso and held me to his chest as he erratically and mercilessly pounded into me. I pulled the hair on the back of his head and turned my head, biting his jaw.

“I'm coming! Bella!” he exclaimed. I began riding him as he lost his rhythm to the ecstasy overtaking him, and I could feel stream after stream coat my insides. He stilled and laughed manically with his head resting on the back of mine. We were both panting, trying to come back to reality.

He hugged me to him and tapped the side of my hip, which was a silent plea to move off of him. I slid off his legs, turned around, and then collapsed onto my back on the quilt. Looking up at the blue sky, I let my thoughts drift to the man that was now lying beside me. If I had to, I would spend the rest of my life proving my love for him.

“I love you—so much,” I said, turning my head in his direction.

He picked up my hand and ran my knuckles over his lips. “Love you too. You're my forever, and not even death can make me stop loving you. You are mine, and I'll never let you go.”

~.~.~.~

I felt a hand on my shoulder, shaking it slightly. It startled me, and I screamed.

“Bella,” Sue said. “It's me, Sue. We're here, honey.”

The memories cleared from my head, and I stopped my screeching, suddenly realizing I was curled up in a ball on the front seat. I didn't remember folding in on myself, but it didn't matter at the moment. Sue stared at me, waiting. I stretched out my arms and legs, causing popping and cracking sounds to echo through the vehicle, and it felt good to move.

I reached for the door handle and opened it, unbuckling myself at the same time. As I got out of the car and slammed the door shut, I could see the emergency room entrance. Edward was somewhere inside—my feet moved with purpose toward those doors, needing to find him. My eyes zeroed in on the admitting nurse behind the counter. I flew to the desk and slammed my hands on the counter, panting and trying to catch my breath.

“Excuse me, could you tell me if Edward Cullen has arrived?” I asked.

“And you are?” the woman inquired.

“Um, I'm his girlfriend, but...” I started to say. The elderly lady smiled at me.

“Follow me,” she said, pointing to the large double doors.

I wrapped my arms around myself and walked behind her. The smell of alcohol, cleaner, and sickness hit me in the face. It was all I could do to stay standing as I walked through the hall. There were curtains lined up on each side, separating the space into little sections. The thin barrier couldn't hide the discomfort and pain of those housed in the makeshift rooms. The moans and groans of the occupants made me think of Edward, and I quickened my pace, anxious to see him.

She stopped in front a curtain that was at the end, pulling it back slightly.

“Here we are, dear. Now, he's heavily sedated and is hooked up to all kinds of machines. We're waiting for his parents to arrive so we can get consent forms signed and the surgeons can get started. Do you need anything while I'm here?” she asked, concern laced in her tone.

I shook my head no and thanked her. She nodded, walking back down the corridor. The difference between this staff and the ones at the hospital in Forks was like night and day. Already, I felt more at ease, confident that Edward would be taken care of at this hospital.

Steeling myself, I took a deep breath and then opened the curtain just enough to walk in. As I started to pull it back, I noticed Sue standing next to it. Feeling guilty I that hadn't notice her before, I motioned for her to follow me. When we were both inside, I closed the curtain behind me and saw Edward on the right side of the room.

The first thing I noticed was how different he looked compared to how he was when he was rushed out of Forks. The blue gown had been replaced with a white one—no trace of the blood spilled earlier could be found. He was wrapped tightly in white blankets, and his arms were lying straight by his side. There was a tube sticking out of his mouth, presumably the one he received at the other hospital, and it was attached to a machine that seemed to be breathing for him. On top of the machine, a clear cylinder housed an accordion like apparatus that moved up and down, making a whoosh sound with each pass while his chest moved in time with the device. A set of gray wires was attached to a heart monitor, counting each beat while keeping track of his blood pressure. An IV was attached to his arm, and a saline bag was hooked to it by a thin tube.

I walked closer to him and could see that black circles were forming under his eyes. He looked pale, paler than usual, and his cheeks were slightly sunken. The hair on his head was dull, likely from not washing it for two days, and his lips were chapped and cracked. If I didn't know better, I'd guess he was dead with his corpse-like look. He wasn't dead, but, he was close.

“Where the fuck is everyone?” I mused, turning toward Sue.

She wiped her eyes and stared at me. I was instantly jealous of her, wishing I could cry again, but I couldn't—I was all dried up—either from the crying I'd already done or the numbness I felt. Instead, I leaned over Edward and kissed him on the forehead, which was the only thing I could reach that wasn't covered by something.

“I don't know. I thought they would have gotten here before us,” Sue replied. I acknowledged her words with a grimace and then my attention went back to the man lying on the gurney.

“I'm here, baby,” I whispered. “Sue and I got here as fast as we could. Your family should be here soon. I left the same time your mom did. She went to get your dad and probably stopped to call everyone.”

There was no movement or recognition of my words, only the beep of the monitor and the whoosh of the ventilator. I refused to let his unresponsiveness bother me and chose to believe that, somewhere inside, he could hear me. It was the only comfort I could hold on to in that moment.

Sue came up beside me, placing her head on my shoulder and her arm around my waist. I was really glad she talked me into letting her come, because if I'd been there by myself, I'd have been crumpled into a ball on the floor. Her silent support meant more to me than she would ever know.

 


	11. Letter to God

June 19, 2003

Loud footsteps thundered outside Edward's pseudo-room and reverberated through the space. When they stopped, a hushed conversation took place, and then the curtain was pulled back, revealing Emmett and Rosalie. Emmett crossed the room in four large steps and swept me up in a bear hug. He held me tight with his head tucked into the crook of my neck. The action made me slightly uncomfortable, because Emmett had never acted like that with me, and I looked toward Rose. _Well, some things never change_ , I thought. Rosalie stood off to the side with an incredulous look. It was obvious her husband’s actions didn't sit well with the blonde.

Emmett pulled back and released his grip. I looked up, noticing his eyes were red-rimmed and glassy. He stared at me with a sad expression.

“What happened, Bella?” he choked out. “I get a call earlier that I have to hurry down here, and that my brother is in bad shape. Why the hell is he hooked up to all this shit?”

I began telling him everything I knew up to that point, sparing no detail. His face morphed from pain to anger when I retold the bathroom incident. His growl cut my rambling off mid-sentence.

“What the fuck was he thinking?” Emmett seethed in a whisper. “If he wasn't already in the hospital, I'd...”

“You always were too good for Edward,” he said to me. “But, at the same time, I was glad you guys were together, because I knew that you were capable of loving him like he deserved.”

I blinked in shock because the words didn't make sense. This was Emmett, who always made comments about how it'd be better if I left his so-called worthless brother. He was the responsible, caring one, and the one that you could always count on. Edward and Emmett couldn't get along because they were like fire and gunpowder, a lethal mix when combined. So, it was strange to hear Emmett say something positive about my relationship with Edward, even if it was only pertained to me.

“Well, drunk or not, the idiot should know better than to...” Rosalie began. Bitch was seriously going to piss me off if she finished that sentence. Emmett raised his hand in her direction and shook his head, stopping her rant.

“Rose, baby, why don’t you and Sue go and see if anyone else is here,” he suggested with a pointed look toward his wife. She glared and then spun on her heel, leaving the room without a backwards glance. I threw Sue an apologetic look as she followed Rosalie's dramatic exit, but she just smiled as she left.

Emmett pulled two chairs from across the room beside Edward's bed. Huh. I hadn't noticed them before, but that wasn't surprising. My mind had been oblivious to everything but Edward when I had first gone in. He motioned for me to sit in the one next to Edward's head, and I complied. Taking the other one by his feet, Emmett sat down and stared at his brother. I was quiet as he raked his eyes over my love, stopping at his face. A soft sob escaped the large man, and I reached over and offered my hand for comfort. He took it and squeezed my small hand in his.

“I should have been there,” Emmett said, sniffing.

“Emmett, you were here, running Mason Unlimited, doing what you were supposed to,” I reasoned.

Emmett sighed and raked his palm across his face. “What I needed to do was be there for my brother, to help him get off the drugs and quit drinking. Instead, I turned my back on him and ran to Seattle so I didn't have to deal with it.”

“He hates me, you know,” he continued. “Before I left, he told me that he was ashamed that I would choose a bitch like Rosalie over his own flesh and blood.”

I gasped; this was something that I hadn’t known before. It was easy to surmise the time he was talking about, because Edward had disappeared for three days after promising he'd only be at Emmett's house for an hour to tell him goodbye. When he finally came home, he was drunk and ready to argue.

~.~.~.~

February 23, 2002

I woke up with a start, wondering what the hell had disturbed my sleep. A crash sounded from the front of the house, and it startled me. I looked over to Edward's side of the bed—nope, he was still gone. There I was, probably about to be raped and murdered while he was still out partying.

Bastard.

I really hoped the dope was worth it, because I was going to come back and haunt his ass.

There was another loud clang, and then a string of expletives started. Frightened out of my mind, I grabbed the bat beside the bed, threw the covers off, and climbed off the mattress slowly. Mindful of my steps, I tip-toed toward the door, opened it, and peeked out. The hallway was dark and empty. I took a deep breath and entered into the space, creeping cautiously toward the sound.

As I entered the doorway to the living room, I saw a tall figure standing next to the couch. Their hands were in their hair and the person—who resembled a man—looked agitated. Quietly as I could, I walked over to the person standing in my living room, raised the bat over my shoulder, and then swung it with all my might.

“Fucking...ow...shit!” a male voice screamed. Lost in a haze and really not caring who was in pain, I raised the bat and hit them again. More cursing and shouting came from them, and I raised it a third time.

“Fucking bastard! Think you can come in my house?” I hollered, ready to beat the intruder to a pulp. I was woman and this fucker was about to hear me roar.

“Bella! Stop!” the voice pleaded. I froze, the fog lifting, and the words began to register. Realization finally hit me, and, holy shit, I had just beat the hell out of Edward.

I dropped the bat and rushed over to turn on the lamp. Light flooded the room, and I noticed Edward was slumped over, clutching his side. Wow, I thought, I'm stronger than I realized. Immediately, I went to him and began examining his torso. He flinched and backed away from me, swaying slightly in the process.

“Just...don't, okay?” he hissed through clenched teeth.

Great, he was pissed. All I had tried to do was save my ass, and my pussy, from the evil clutches of a possible home invade /sicko. What the fuck? Had he expected me to ask if he wanted some tea and biscuits before I swung, keeping up with some kind of bad guy etiquette I wasn't privy to? Well, his bad temper and disappearing ass could go suck it.

Tired, and not wanting to deal with the drama, I rolled my eyes and walked back toward the bedroom. I figured if he had taken care of himself for the past three days, he could take care of himself again. Besides, from his demeanor, I could tell he didn't want my help anyway.

“Where are you going?” he asked.

“Back to bed,” I replied and continued to our room. The adrenaline rush I had experienced when I confronted Edward was gone, and I was really tired. I noticed, as I climbed back into bed, that the clock on the night stand read 3:26. No wonder I’m so tired, I thought as I climbed into bed, pulling the covers under my chin and turning on my side.

Just when I was drifting to that place between sleep and wakefulness, Edward burst into the room, causing me to jump.

“What the hell, Bella?” Edward shouted.

“Edward, please,” I whined. “I'm really tired. Can we talk about this tomorrow?”

“No. Why did you hit me with a bat?” he questioned.

“Really?” I seethed, throwing the covers off and onto the floor. Apparently, I wasn't getting any sleep, so I stood up and faced him.

“Maybe I hit you because I thought you were an intruder!” I yelled, getting louder with each word.

He looked at me with a puzzled expression. I closed my eyes and counted to ten while I contemplated getting the bat I’d left in the other room. As I became more awake, I noticed that Edward had, once again, come home drunk. His clothes were rumpled, and his eyes were glassy and blood-shot. A flushed face and the slight stagger in his gait confirmed my assumptions. This is just what I wanted, I mused silently. A fight with Drunk Edward. This was going to be fun.

_Not._

“What the fuck ever,” Edward said with a dismissive wave of his hand. 

“No, not what the fuck ever, asshole. You've been gone for three days. How was I supposed to know that it was you banging around in there? You know what, I'm not dealing with this right now,” I said and grabbed my pillow and a blanket from the end of the bed.

“I'm sleeping on the couch. Enjoy the bed, jerk,” I called out as I left the room.

I stomped out into the hallway on my way to the living room couch. When I reached it, I plopped down and threw my blanket and pillow on it. I lay down and covered up, closing my eyes. As I lay there, I thought about my idiot of a boyfriend. Why did he continue to do this to me? If I had wanted to be alone, I'd have lived by myself.

That night, I didn't hear anything more from Edward. I wasn't sure if it was because the alcohol finally hit him and he passed out, or that he was so shocked I had stood up to him for the first time that he decided to leave me alone. Whatever it was, I was able to fall asleep quickly in the quiet house.

~.~.~.~

I grabbed Edward's hand and intertwined our fingers, trying to connect with him. Even through all his faults, I still loved him. It didn't matter if we were fighting, apart, happy, or sad; the one thing that always stayed the same was our loyalty and love for one another.

Emmett squeezed my shoulder with his large hand. I turned toward him and saw he wasn't looking at me, but at his brother. It was easy to see how hard this was on him by the tears trapped in his eyes and the way his gaze never left Edward. I didn't know what he was thinking, but if he was like me, I was sure he was running the countless what ifs in his head that might have prevented us from getting to that point in time.

“Bella,” Emmett whispered, pulling me from my thoughts. “Is...Are you really done with Edward?”

The question caught me off guard—no one had asked me if things between Edward and I were still finished. Instead, they glossed over that particular fact and continued to treat me as if nothing had happened. While I appreciated that they seemed willing to allow me to be at Edward's side, it was strange that no one had questioned it. I turned to Emmett and took a deep breath.

“Honestly? I don't know. Things were so...fucked up the other night. Since then, I've come to realize that I still love Edward and want to be with him, but I can't go back to the way things were. So, really, it's up to him. When he wakes up, if he's willing to go to treatment, then I'll stay. But if he refuses, I have to leave him, Emmett. I can't sit around for the rest of my life wondering if the next time he goes out will be the time he never comes home again,” I spoke with a tremble in my voice.

Emmett nodded his head and palmed his face. “I get it. You know, whatever you decide...I'm here for you. I realize that I haven't been, but Bella, know that I've always thought of you as a sister. I'm so sorry I wasn't there when you guys needed me the most,” Emmett said with tears in his eyes. 

Any question I had regarding Emmett's feelings toward his brother disappeared with his gut-wrenching display. I knew that the brothers had been close at one time, but I'd figured when they had their falling out that, at least on Emmett's end, there was no love lost. It seemed, though, I was wrong, and his concern didn't end with Edward, but also extended to me. Until he said those words, I had no idea he felt that way about me. He'd always been polite in passing but had never shown any indication that I was like a sister to him.

The clack of heels sounded outside the curtain, followed by the shuffle of multiple feet. Emmett and I turned to the sound and watched as the curtain was yanked open. Esme, Carlisle, and Alice poured into the tiny space. Each face showed signs of shock and sadness as they registered Edward laid out in front of us. Esme was the first to approach. I got out of my chair and moved out of the way. She took my spot, and ran her hand over Edward's cheek. Esme began to sob openly and laid her head down on his torso. Carlisle walked up behind her, bent down, and wrapped his arms around his wife.

The scene before me was almost more than I could take. Trying to keep myself together, I crept silently toward the curtain. When I walked by Emmett, I noticed that Rosalie had taken a similar stance as Carlisle around her husband. Alice stood against the wall, watching her loved ones fall apart and hugging herself tightly.

I walked outside of the tense bubble and secured the drapery. Immediately, the hustle and bustle going on around me inundated my senses. It was a little disorienting going from the sadness behind the curtain to the professionalism of the outside world. The staff moved about like Edward's condition meant nothing, and in some ways, it probably didn't. To them, it was just another day.

With my head pointed to the floor, I began walking toward the double doors for the waiting room. I passed the nurses’ station, and someone stopped me. A little confused, I walked over and waited for them to speak.

“Are you here for Mr. Cullen?” the young nurse asked.

“Uh...yeah,” I replied.

“Dr. Cullen has requested all family members be directed to the family area over there,” she explained, pointing to a small hallway by the exit. I thanked her and headed in that direction. Three doors down, I saw a small area that opened up into a cozy waiting room. The walls were painted a soft blue, and the furniture was a darker shade. Seated around the room were Jasper, his parents, Sue, and my father. _When did he get here and how long was I back with Edward?_

As soon as Erin, Jasper's mom, saw me, she jumped up from her seat and engulfed me in a tight hug. I welcomed her affection, knowing her concern was genuine. Erin had always worn her heart on her sleeve and couldn't stand for anyone to be in pain. She was always the person you could go to when you needed advice or just wanted to vent. Out of all the adults in our life, Erin was the most trusted one because she never betrayed any of us.

“How are you holding up, sweetie?” Erin whispered in my ear.

“I don't know,” I choked out.

“He's going to be fine. Just you wait and see,” she said with determination. I pulled back and looked into her eyes. There was nothing other than resolve shining back at me. It relaxed me; Erin was never one to tell you something just to comfort you, so I knew she believed what she said.

She rubbed my back for a few minutes and then released me. I placed my hand on her shoulder in a silent thank you as I walked toward my father and Sue. He stood and pulled me down into a chair between them. Charlie wrapped his arm around my shoulders and Sue grabbed my hand. Their affection made me feel loved, something that I had missed while I sat next to Edward moments before.

While sitting there, trying to keep my dark thoughts at bay, I looked over at Jasper sitting in the corner with his elbows on his thighs and his head in his hands. It was a pitiful sight, but I was having trouble feeling any sympathy toward him. A part of me blamed him for Edward having to be there.

Rationally I knew that Edward was the one at fault. He was the one who decided to get drunk and sit on a moving car. But the rational side of me was being held captive by my emotional side. For years, I watched as Jasper and Edward's addictive tendencies fed off of each other. Neither could go a day without some sort of chemical in their systems. When one of them was looking for something, the other always found a way to provide.

In a way, I blamed Jasper for a lot of Edward’s problems. He was the one who introduced Edward to the world of drugs, and later on, its culture. It had started out as curious boys sneaking drinks from forgotten beer bottles and had morphed into adolescents chasing a bigger and better high. As the years went by, I was less of a priority to Edward and became his second love. The nearest chemical substance was what he really craved. Love, affection, and even sex, didn’t compare to whatever drug he’d decided to ingest.

Looking at Jasper, I wondered if what had happened to his best friend was torturing him. If he was sitting there, running every action and decision through his mind while trying to figure out where it went wrong. I wasn’t a vengeful person, but couldn’t help wanting him to feel as bad as I did. His enabling had helped bring us where we were, coupled with everyone else’s unwillingness to address the problem.

We were all guilty, in one form or another, of contributing to Edward’s road to destruction. His best friend, with his connections and prodding, my enabling and turning a blind eye, his siblings’ indifference, his mother’s coddling, his father’s inattention, and Edward’s refusal to be anything but an addict had led us to that moment where Edward had hit bottom.

I shook my head, trying to shake the thoughts from my mind. It wasn’t going to do any good to go there. At that moment, all of my focus needed to be on what was going to happen in the near future.

I didn’t notice that Alice had entered the room until she was standing over me. Her eyes were puffy and red, possibly from crying, and her posture was slumped.

“Um…Mom wanted to know if you’d come back,” she said in a small voice.

“Sure,” I said.

She turned and walked out of the room. I was confused by the exchange, trying to understand her abrupt entrance and departure. When I looked over at my dad, he just shrugged his shoulders as if to say ‘I have no idea.’ I decided not to delay the inevitable and followed her out of the room. As I made my way back to where Edward was being kept, I wondered what Esme could have possibly wanted.

All eyes were on me as I entered, and it made me slightly self-conscious. Esme stood up from her chair, pulling me into a corner away from her son.

“Bella, where did you go? I looked up and didn’t see you,” Esme asked.

“Um, I wanted to give you time with Edward…” I started to explain, but Esme cut me off.

“Why would you think we’d want you to leave? You’re as much—“ Esme began, but the sound of the curtain being pulled back stopped her words.

An older man dressed in blue scrubs joined us, flanked by two others who appeared slightly younger. He held a brown clipboard in his hand that was filled with numerous papers and a pen stuck under the silver clip. Carlisle stood and went to shake the older man’s hand. As they exchanged greetings, I took in the rest of him. He was wearing a blue cap to match his outfit and a stethoscope was wrapped around the back of his neck. The more I looked at him, the clues began to come together. This was the doctor we had all been waiting on.

The older doctor finished speaking with Carlisle and motioned for us to follow him. Esme, Alice, Emmett, Carlisle, Rosalie, and I filed out of the room, trailing behind him. We were led to a small room that was furnished with only a couch, two chairs, and nothing else. The lack of a personal touch made the room seem cold and sterile. Once everyone was inside, the doctor shut the door behind him and turned to us.

“All right, we don’t have a lot of time, but I wanted to talk to you all before we get started. My name is Dr. Painter. As you know, Edward has been scheduled for surgery. At Forks Memorial, a CT scan showed that the swelling in his brain has increased significantly, and that some pressure needs to be released. Now, in order to do this, we are going to have to go in and open up his skull. This will be done by making an incision at the beginning of his hairline and it will run from behind his right ear to the middle of his forehead. We will peel back the skin and cut into his skull, taking out part of it. Then, part of his right frontal lobe will be removed to give his brain room to expand. After we re-attach the bone and put the skin in place, we will drill two holes. One will be used to put a tube in to drain off any extra fluid, and the other will be used to place a thin, metal bar that will record the intracranial pressure. This is important, because we will be able to gauge the swelling at all times, without having to do a scan.”

The doctor paused, looking at each of us. When no one spoke, he continued.

“Now, I know that you are worried about the removal of some brain tissue, but you shouldn’t be. We have chosen an area that is significantly damaged and controls functions that Edward can relearn, such as speaking, walking, some motor skills, and…well, you get the general idea.”

My stomach rolled and I felt extremely sick.

“Do you have any questions?” Dr. Painter asked.

Carlisle began peppering him with questions—in doctor speak, of course. I didn’t understand a word of it, but his features relaxed with each answer. Apparently, Carlisle was appeased and feeling confident in the procedure that had been laid out before us.

When Carlisle was finished, Dr. Painter looked at each one of us. The rest of the group was silent, and I couldn’t speak because my head was spinning and I couldn’t think of anything to say.

“Before we begin, I need to know that everyone is on board and is in favor of the plan of action I have presented. I can’t, in good conscience, go in there to do this knowing that someone does not agree. So, are we all in agreement?” the good doctor asked.

Each member of Edward’s family showed their support with a grunt, a spoken yes, or a head nod. When Dr. Painter looked at me, I realized that everyone had already given their consent and he was waiting on mine. I was taken aback, because surely, my opinion didn’t count. As I looked at each of the faces staring back at me, I slowly comprehended that, yes, it did matter.

“Just…yes. Please save him,” I pleaded in a whisper. I was unable to get out more than that because my throat was threatening to close.

Dr. Painter nodded, bid us farewell, and exited the room. We all stood there in stunned silence. I tried to wrap my mind around the conversation that had just taken place, but I couldn’t. My mind would not allow me to comprehend the fact that Edward was about to lose a piece, and possibly a very important piece, of himself very soon.

Carlisle cleared his throat.

“Let’s go and let the others know what’s going on. We need to gather everyone up and head to the surgical waiting room.”

Without another word, he left, and Esme followed close behind him. Alice, Emmett, and Rosalie stood there for a few more seconds and then began to leave. My legs, however, were frozen to the spot I was occupying. As if I was outside of myself, I watched Emmett turn toward me. He walked over and stood in front of me, saying something. His words didn’t make sense, and I couldn’t figure out how to answer him back. When he realized that I wasn’t going to respond, he hooked his arm around mine and began to pull me toward the doorway.

My brain must have remembered how to move, because we walked past the nurses’ station and exited the double doors of the Emergency Room. Emmett continued to drag me until we reached the rest of our families and the friends that had joined us. They were all congregated in a loose circle and were taking turns hugging, crying, and trying to convince each other that everything would be okay. I knew, though, that it wasn’t true. Everything was fucked, beginning the moment Edward fell off of the car. It was the precursor to the tragic events that had followed since that moment. They could stand there and lie to themselves, but I couldn’t. Everything had changed, and I had little hope that things would ever be the same again.

“Bella,” my father said, pulling me into a hug. I could feel another set of arms engulf me, and I assumed it was Sue since she had showed concern for me since we arrived. Whimpers and sobs came from all around me, and the cocoon of arms held me tightly, as if it could protect me from what would come next. I buried my head into Charlie’s chest, looking for comfort. The contact felt empty, though, and I backed away. It seemed like nothing could penetrate the numbness that was gripping me.

Then, without preamble, the group began to disperse and head toward the elevators. Carlisle led the way, since he seemed to know where we were going. Eleven bodies crammed into the tight space, and the doors closed behind us. Nothing was said as the floors passed by, but then again, no one needed to say anything.

The ding of the doors opening broke the silence, and I followed everyone out. We walked down the corridor until we reached an area enclosed in glass and wood. Inside, rows and rows of chairs were set up in perfect lines, broken off by end tables for every three. The room itself was decorated in a soft pink. Pink walls, pink furniture, and pink carpet could be seen everywhere. If I didn’t know any better, I would have said someone had sprayed Pepto-Bismol on every surface. Any other day, the pink nightmare would have had me hysterical with laughter, but that day it wasn’t anything more than a passing thought. I was too wrapped up in my own pain.

Each person broke off with their respective partner, setting down side by side—except Carlisle and Esme. They walked over to a desk placed in the middle and spoke with the woman seated behind it. She began writing something down as Carlisle spoke, pointing to the paper every so often. What he was doing couldn’t hold my attention, so I moved to an unoccupied corner to sit.

“I called your mother,” my father said, towering over me. I gave him a confused look, wondering what he was talking about. He sat in the chair beside me and ducked his head. A sheepish expression covered his face.

“I, uh, thought she should know what’s going on. She’s on a plane; well she, and Phil are on a plane, right now.”

Shock didn’t even cover how I felt about what he had said. Why in the hell did he call my mother? She was flighty at best and a pain in the ass at her worst. Christ, there was no way I could deal with her brand of crazy and everything else that was going on. I was hanging on by a thread, and _my Father_ thought it would be a good idea to add to my stress.

“Dad, I can’t…” I started to say.

“Now, Bells, she’s your mother, and she just wants to be here for you,” he admonished.

I hung my head in defeat, not having the strength to argue with him.

“Fine,” I relented. “But when she gets here, you deal with her. You’re the one that called her.”

I finished my thought and stood up, walking past him to another row of chairs in the back of the room. I sat down and curled in on myself. The universe, obviously, hated me because it just kept throwing all kinds of shit at me.

~.~.~.~

Two hours later, I was still seated in the same chair. No word had come back on Edward or the progression of his surgery. Every minute that ticked by made me feel helpless and alone. At first, I tried to entertain myself with the various magazines scattered around the room. I became bored after a while with the stories about celebrities and their lives, especially the ones about that guy who plays a Vampire, and the girl, who happens to be a human.

My eyes wandered to the couples paired off around the room. Our little group seemed to dominate the area, and it wasn’t hard to find them. Across the room, Esme and Carlisle were sitting with their arms around each other, quietly whispering amongst themselves. Charlie and Sue sat silently a few seats from me, holding hands and occasionally brushing their thumbs against the backs of each other’s hands. In the far corner of the room, Emmett and Rosalie leaned on each other with her head tucked under his arm while his head rested on top of hers. In the seats in front of Edward’s parents, Julian and Erin Whitlock sat curled together, sharing a magazine. Even Alice had someone to comfort her. She and Jasper sat near the doors, holding each other as Alice cried softly. I closed in on myself further, feeling cold and isolated. Every person I knew had some kind of comfort next to them, a significant other—or in Alice’s case, _sort of_ significant other—to help them deal with their personal pain.

The source of my comfort, however, was in a bright, sterile, and cold operating room somewhere on our floor. In that moment, the doctors were most likely cutting him open and removing part of his brain. The thought made me sick, and I had to close my eyes tightly to keep the contents of my stomach down.

What would he be like when he woke up? I knew they were confident that when they finished, and he was on the mend, what had been taken wouldn’t be permanent. That, one day, he would be able to re-learn the information that had been ripped away from him. I couldn’t help fear, though, that something else would get lost in the process.

I’d heard somewhere that the brain was still something of a mystery. All the advances in medical science couldn’t assuage my fears. Mistakes were made all the time, and how much error would it take to cause permanent damage? A centimeter? Or perhaps even a millimeter off the mark?

I grabbed a hold of my hair tightly and pulled hard, hoping that the pain would distract me from the tumultuous ideas running unchecked in my head. I had to stay positive. _Edward is going to be fine. He is going to come through this, and we are going to be fine,_ I kept silently telling myself.

My leg shook as I willed myself to believe the lie I was trying to tell myself. It was better than the stark reality trying to invade the happy place I was constructing.

 _Fuck. Fuck. FUCK_.

I bolted out of my chair and ran out of the room. Behind me, I could hear voices shouting at me, but I didn’t acknowledge them. Everything had started to come crashing down around me, and the sight of couples finding solace in each other, plus my “what ifs”, had been the last straw. The walls of numbness that had surrounded me had turned to dust, and a pain I didn’t know existed threatened to tear me in half.

The elevator doors came into view a few minutes later. I slowed to a jog and then stopped completely. My breathing was labored and shallow, coming out in pants. The need to leave was trying to gnaw its way out of me, and I succumbed to it. I moved to the button panel, pressed the down button, and waited for the car to come and claim me. Surprisingly, it didn’t take long. I climbed into the empty elevator and pressed the button for the first floor, watching the doors close in front of me.

Two other passengers were picked up during my descent, a man and a woman. I was barely aware of their presence and kept my face to the cool metal wall. When I reached my destination, I hurried out of the confined space. I could feel a breakdown coming and knew that I was going to need privacy because it was going to be huge. Tears were already falling down my face.

I figured that I could find a bush or something outside to hide behind. Or I could go to the parking garage and find a dark corner so I could lose it. What I didn’t expect on my way out of the hospital was the heavy wooden door I almost passed. To the casual passerby, it would seem like any other place where one could seek some sort of comfort. But to me? It was a fucking lifeline.

I opened the door labeled _Chapel_ and walked inside.

The first thing that hit me was the darkness of the room. The only light sources were the fading sunbeams shining through the stained glass windows and the small votive candles flickering on a table in the far right corner. A raised platform with two stairs leading up to it took up the entire front. A podium sat in the center of the platform and a large wooden cross hung above it. There were five rows of long pews, cut off in the middle by the aisle, and each were made out of a dark reddish wood with blue cushioning on the seats.

A musky, boswellia and sage scent surrounded me, which was probably lingering from a recent Mass. I closed my eyes, breathing deeply in hopes that it would help calm me. My feet carried me to the center pew, and I kneeled on the cushioned bar that had been pulled out from under the seat in front of me. Clasping my hands and resting my head on them, I did something that I hadn’t done since I was a little girl. I prayed.

_Dear God._

I snorted, feeling rather stupid. Neither of my parents had been big on religion, and the only exposure I’d had was when my grandmother used to take me to church with her on special occasions. I would sit beside her and watch as she closed her eyes, clasped her hands, and mumbled silently to herself when it was time to pray. Needless to say, I was never really sure if I was doing it right.

 _It’s for Edward_ , a voice inside my head pleaded with me.

_I can do this. I can do this._

I started again.

_Dear God._

_Okay, so I haven’t always done the right thing. I know that you are aware of the drugs I’ve taken, the cursing I’ve done, and all the other things I’m not proud of. Yeah, I’m really sorry about that and I am willing to change._

_My grandmother once told me that all I had to do was ask, and that you would provide. I never believed that it could be that simple, but right now, I have nothing to lose. So, I’m asking…no I’m begging you, please help Edward._

_Despite his choices, he is a good man. I know because I can see it, hidden behind the drugs and alcohol. It was a stupid mistake that brought us here, and I really don’t feel that death is the right punishment._

_Right now, he’s fighting for his life. It shouldn’t be this way. Edward was supposed to fight his demons and come out on top. He promised me forever, and I expected my happy ending. I know that sounds naïve and selfish, but I can’t help it. He is everything to me, and I can’t imagine a life without him._

A sob broke from me, stopping my internal plea. I welcomed the emotional release that rocked through me.

After a few minutes, I began again.

_If you…_

I bawled and forced myself to finish.

_If you…take…him, it will destroy us all. He is the lost boy we want to see prevail. There is so much potential in him that will be wasted if he leaves us. I know that he is capable of so much, and I want to see it happen. I want to eventually meet him at the end of the aisle, watch as he finds his place in this world, and see him bloom with each child we have. His death would kill all of that, so please…please help him._

When I ran out of things to say, I sat back and cried. I cried for Edward. I cried for Esme, Carlisle, Alice and Emmett. I cried for myself. And I cried for the family and life I watched disappear as he was taken to the helicopter that took him there.

I didn’t know if my words had been heard, or if a benevolent God was the one that heard them. For the first time, though, I did know one thing.

I had hope. 


	12. Soma

June 19, 2003

After my tears had run their course, I left the hospital chapel and went back to the waiting room. Something inside me had changed, and I felt different on the journey back. It was almost as if I’d been renewed by letting out some of the pain and anguish inside those holy walls. My will to fight had returned, and I had every intention of using it. Before my breakdown, I had forgotten one thing. Edward needed me to be strong—to be able to stand up for him when he couldn’t. It was with this thought that I returned to his family and mine. I was ready.

With this new determination, I remembered what Edward had told me long ago. His family was known to only show concern when it made them look like model parents, or in Emmett’s and Alice’s cases, model siblings. That, coupled with my own discomfort over their acceptance, made me nervous. Everyone watched me as I walked back into the room, and their eyes were full of sadness and pity.

 _Yes!_ I wanted to yell at them. _Poor pathetic Bella is back from her breakdown. Yes, I know you think I’m going to need rescuing, but you’re wrong. I found something out about myself—I’m strong, probably stronger than you. Every last one of you left Edward for me to deal with, and in that time I’ve dealt with things that you could only imagine. You were happy to sweep him under the rug so you didn’t have to look at him. Not me; I waited for him. I fought with him, I loved him, and I stayed with him. I’ve had my moment, which I earned, and am ready to fight for him. What have you done?_

_Oh, that’s right. You sit in those chairs and cling to each other, giving up on him like you always do. Guess what? I’m not going to do that. I won’t let desolation take hold until someone shows me there is no hope left. I pity you because it must be miserable in your head right now._

I had to bite my lip as I passed by his family. The words were screaming to get out, but I knew I couldn’t say anything because the time wasn’t right. It was almost certain that the time would come, and I would be prepared.

Esme looked like she was going to pounce on me at any moment, so I sat beside her. She grabbed me immediately and pulled me into a tight embrace. It was shocking at first, but I shook it off and accepted the hug.

“Are you all right?” Esme asked in my ear.

I sighed internally. That question was starting to get old, and I didn’t know how many more times I could hear it before I lashed out at someone. It was like I was made of glass, because everyone wanted to treat me with extra care.

“I’m fine, really,” I promised. “I just needed a moment to get myself together.”

She looked at me with pity, obviously not believing me. I had to beat down the snarky words that wanted to come out. Inside my head, I kept telling myself this was Esme, who was like a mother to me. It wasn’t a good idea to go off on her just because I didn’t like the way she stared at me. The new emotions bubbling up in me wanted to come out, but I kept them at bay.

When she released me, I sat back and looked around the room. The scene hadn’t changed much since I had left, and each person was still coupled off, but in different positions. I still wished Edward could hold me. I missed what his calming presence brought me, sometimes with only a touch. If Edward were with me, though, we wouldn’t be waiting for the doctor to come back with some kind of news. No, instead, I would probably be sitting at home alone, as always. I didn’t know which would be worse, knowing that he was close to death or worrying that he could be hurt or dead until he walked through the door. Either way, it seemed, I’d be a mess.

~.~.~.~

Four hours—that’s how long I sat by Esme waiting for news on Edward’s condition. In that time, I alternated between reading every magazine I could find, engaging in light discussion with various members of our group, and staring off into space. As each minute ticked by, my hope that he was going to be all right dwindled, and it was hard to stay still.

My leg bounced furiously, showing my nerves. Where was that fucking doctor? I knew that it took time to perform surgery, but I wasn’t confident I could take much more. It was torture, watching the clock and waiting for some kind of answer. I prayed for a miracle, but steeled myself for the worst news possible.

Not long after my mental ramblings ceased, the doctor came out of a set of swinging double doors on the left side of the room. I quickly jumped up, and my movements alerted the others to his presence. Carlisle and Esme rose at the same time and started toward Dr. Painter. I stood frozen in disbelief and wondered if they were really going to talk to him alone. After everything I’d been through, and their insistence that I was still a part of Edward’s life, surely they wouldn’t cut me out of the discussion.

It was like I was watching Esme and Carlisle’s walk to the doctor in slow motion, because the scene took longer than it should have. They met Dr. Painter halfway, beginning a hushed conversation. Esme looked back and motioned in a _come here_ gesture. Emmett and Alice brushed past me, walking toward their mother. She shook her head, pointing to me, and turned back to the doctor and her husband. Wide-eyed, I strode forward, ignoring the cold glare Alice was shooting in my direction and the hurt expression on Emmett’s face.

When I reached Edward’s parents and doctor, Esme wrapped her arm around my waist and held me close. Carlisle had his eyes cast downward, and his face seemed to be twisted with anger, but it was hard to tell. Dr. Painter looked at Esme, and she nodded her head.

“I guess this is everyone, then?” Dr. Painter asked. When no one answered him, he continued.

“The surgery went well. We were able to remove the damaged portion with no complications. However, there is still swelling. After deliberating with my team, we’ve decided the best course of action is to induce a coma.” He paused.

“Is that really necessary?” Esme asked.

“I’m afraid so,” the doctor answered. “Any movement on his part right now would only exacerbate his condition. We need to get the swelling down, and this, along with medication, will hopefully do the trick.

“Now, like I said, he is being placed in a coma. We will need to use very powerful and heavy sedatives. There is no chance he can wake up on his own. The medication, as I mentioned before, will be administered to help the inflammation of the brain tissue.

“We’ve placed the sensor in his head, and his ICP, or intracranial pressure, is measuring at 35. This is not good. Normal pressure will range anywhere from 0 to 20. At 21 to 30, we have a problem, but it’s not severe. In the 31 to 40 range, we usually begin to administer the meds. If he reaches 50, there will be brain damage because the skull will be so full, his brain stem will push out of the hole at the base. This will cause damage to the part that controls his breathing, heart rate, and other major bodily functions.

“Until we can get the swelling under control and keep his ICP at or below 20, we will keep him in the coma. For the next hour, he will be in the recovery area, and then he will be moved to a room in the Neuro Critical Care Unit. Now, do any of you have any questions?”

The information I had just heard left me speechless, so I looked to Carlisle and Esme. Neither of them made a move to speak, which surprised me. I figured Carlisle would be firing off question after question, trying to glean as much as possible. Dr. Painter took our silence to mean that we were finished, so he shook hands with each of us. Then he walked away from us and exited through the same double doors he’d entered.

“Esme—“ Carlisle began.

“We are not having this discussion right now,” Esme warned.

I didn’t know what was going on between them, but it sounded like something I wanted no part of. Edward’s parents stared each other down for a few seconds, and then Carlisle looked away. With her arm still around me, Esme led me to the group. Everyone was standing, waiting for us to bring the news.

Carlisle, who had followed behind us, relayed what the doctor had said. Of course, the information he gave was an edited version. As he explained to the group, I wondered whether, if I hadn’t been with them when they talked to the doctor, I would have been told the same story. Or, if Carlisle and Esme would have decided to do things like they had back in Forks and pulled me aside to give me the real details. The shift in the way Carlisle was acting, and Esme’s reaction to him, told me that I would know nothing if I hadn’t heard the doctor’s explanation.

When  Carlisle finished, the group decided to break up. Some went to see if the cafeteria was still open for dinner, and others decided to roam around until it was time to go upstairs to the NCCU. I just wanted to be alone, so I left the others and went outside.

I tried to avoid Alice’s gaze as I passed her because I didn’t think I could handle seeing her look at me with such malice again. Her reaction had shocked me—I couldn’t understand what could have caused it. For years, she had acted like her brother, and me by extension, was nothing but a tragedy. He was the stupid jackass throwing his life away on drugs, and I was the poor naïve girl that believed his lies. Yes, she loved her brother, but they had never been close. Alice had never gone out of her way for anything that involved Edward. For that reason, it was hard to figure out what was going on with her.

When I reached the doors that led out, I decided to leave that mystery alone for the time being. Instead, I concentrated on the cool breeze caressing my face. If it had been any other day, I would have said the manicured lawn was beautiful. The earth had been tamed by concrete walls, making steps that led from the sidewalk running along the right side of the hospital and to the declined pavement below. It reminded me of an outside theatre—only the stage was the interstate across the street. I lowered myself to the ground on the first level and sat cross-legged. My arms wrapped around my middle while I stared out into the night. I could see a few people walking up toward the front door, probably to visit a mother who had just had a child or a different relative for more dire reasons.

As I sat in the dark, I tried to think of anything other than what the doctor had told us, but was unsuccessful. All the talk about ICPs, cutting out brain tissue, and the coma left my head spinning. In the past 72 hours, I had gone from a woman who bemoaned the absence of her boyfriend, to breaking up with him, to watching him slowly deteriorate in front of me, and finally, to waiting to see if he was going to live or die. Never in my life did I ever expect for things to turn out the way they had.

The crinkling of paper pulled me out of my musings. I looked up and saw Emmett standing next to me. He held out a sandwich wrapped in cellophane and brown paper, as he sat down on the slightly damp grass. My nose wrinkled while my stomach rolled; eating was the last thing on my mind.

“Just eat it, please,” Emmett said.

I didn’t want to be rude, especially after he’d brought it all the way out to me, but I wasn’t hungry. Truth be told, food wasn’t even a blip on my radar.

“I don’t think I can,” I whispered.

“Mom ordered me to make sure you ate that. She’s worried you’re going to waste away,” he admitted. “Bella, you need to eat something because you look like you’re about to fall over.”

I took a bite of the sandwich, forcing it down my throat. It tasted like dirt, but I knew that if I didn’t at least have some of the food offered, Esme would guilt me into it later. I loved the woman, but she was too pushy for her own good sometimes.

Emmett sat with me as I tried to choke down the sandwich. He didn’t talk much, just stared out into darkness in front of him. I felt bad that I wasn’t much of a conversationalist, but then again, I didn’t really know what to say. There wasn’t much to say because I was certain that both of us were thinking about the same thing.

Edward.

Neither he nor I wanted to vocalize what was going on in our heads. At least, I didn’t because what was in there was too jumbled up and scary to admit.

When I was finished, he took the wrapping from me and stood. He reached down and I took his offered hand, which he used to pull me to my feet. We walked back into the hospital together and went to the elevator. A sign was posted next to it, listing all of the departments on each floor. I scanned the board and saw that the NCCU was located on the third floor.

Emmett and I entered the elevator and rode it to the third floor. The family was standing in the corridor when we arrived. Emmett walked out over to his wife and wrapped his arms around her. I stood in front of the car, trying to ignore the scene. It wasn’t any easier than it had been back in the waiting room. The sight of couples comforting each other still left me feeling cold, empty, and jealous. I wanted Edward to stand by me while he wrapped me in his warm embrace. Instead, the empty air was the only thing that could give me any comfort, and that wasn’t much.

The group, led by Carlisle and Esme, headed over to an empty desk to the side of a pair of large, white double doors. A sign was posted on the outside, stating the times for visitation. I read each one, noticing quickly that there were only five different times throughout the day that one could visit, each only lasting for twenty minutes. The number of visitors allowed at one time was limited to two people per visit. My stomach dropped when I realized that it was nine o’clock, and it was the last visit of the day. I wasn’t family, and I was sure I was going to be pushed out by Alice or Emmett.

Tears sprung to my eyes and the realization made me sick. No matter how nice Emmett was being at the moment, the fact was, Edward considered me more a part of his family than either of his siblings. I wanted to scream and rage, but I didn’t. It didn’t matter, because hospitals had rules about non-family visitors, and I was going to lose.

Carlisle began talking, but I tuned him out—nothing he could say interested me. I wanted to see with my own eyes how Edward was doing, and I was going to be robbed of that chance. I noticed the wall next to me, and I leaned back against it and closed my eyes. The past few hours had taken their toll on me, making me more exhausted than I had ever been in my life.

Esme and Carlisle made their way to the entrance of the NCCU and disappeared behind the doors. Watching them almost killed me because I knew that wasn’t going to be me. Really, I didn’t know why any of us were still standing there. It was almost given that Edward’s parents’ would stay with their son until visitation was over.

I couldn’t leave that spot, though. It was the closest I had been to Edward in hours, and my mind and body would not let me move.

Esme burst out from the Critical Care Unit, after twenty minutes had lapsed, with Carlisle following right behind her. She was sobbing and shaking, looking like she was barely able to stand. Alice cried out and rushed to the doors, and Emmett was hot on her heels. I stood in shock and watched as this woman, who we all thought was a rock, lost her composure. Esme searched the sea of faces and when she found me, she grabbed me tightly. I held her and basically supported her weight. Esme pulled back, staring at me for a moment and then grimaced.

“Oh God, Bella,” she cried. “He’s…he’s…”

Carlisle came up and stood behind her, placing his hands on her shoulders. She leaned back into him and she closed her eyes. He cleared his throat, shooting a glance in my direction.

“If you want, you can go next. The nurse thought it would be all right if everyone has a chance to see him,” he said with tears in his eyes.

I nodded my head, letting them know I was fine with their suggestion. They looked at me and then walked away. Erin and Julian engulfed them in a group hug as soon as they were close to them. Each of them broke down while trying to soothe the others. My father and Sue stood to the back of the group, encased in each other’s arms. Jasper and Rosalie were standing off to the side, keeping their eyes glued to the double doors at the end of the small hallway.

Waiting for Alice and Emmett to emerge was painful and frustrating at the same time. I needed to get back there, and they were taking their sweet time. Yeah, I got it—Edward was their brother and they were upset, but the same thoughts from earlier kept coming back. _Where the fuck were they when he needed them the most?_ Any asshole could show up when tragedy had struck, proclaiming their love and concern, but it took someone with devotion to be there as the spiral started. Something Edward had told me long ago invaded my thoughts.

~.~.~.~

August 9, 1999

Edward and I had decided to spend the day at my house being lazy. It seemed like my boyfriend had spent more time with his best friend lately, and when I had pointed that out, he suggested some alone time. At that moment, we were lying on opposite ends of the couch, and I had my legs resting on top of his. Edward had my bare foot in his hands, massaging it. It felt wonderful, and I was relishing in the attention he was giving me.

“Mmmm,” I moaned, sinking further into the couch.

 “Does that feel good, baby?” he asked with a smug smile on his face.

“You know it does,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“So, when are you guys leaving?” I asked.

Every year, since Carlisle had quit drinking, Edward’s family went on a family vacation during the summer. He said it was his father’s way of making it up to them for all the years he wasted racing to the bottom of a bottle, instead of being a father. The money he saved on alcohol had made it possible for them to go anywhere in the country. That year, they were camping in Yosemite National Park. Edward wasn’t happy with being forced to brave the elements, but he also knew there was no way of getting out of it. So he was sucking it up and taking one for the team.

“Tomorrow morning,” he replied. “I’m going to miss you, you know.”

“I’m going to miss you too, Edward. When you get back, maybe we can do something with Alice. I haven’t seen her much, and I kind of miss her.”

Edward let out a frustrated sigh and rolled his eyes. Finished with the foot he was working on, he picked up the other one and began the process again. I knew what he was trying to do, distracting me from the conversation. It was obvious that he wasn’t impressed with my desire to hang out with his sister, and I wanted to know why.

“You don’t want me to hang out with your sister?” I asked timidly.

 He huffed out a harsh breath and put my foot down. I sat up, crawling to him. Rising up on my knees I looked him in the eye, silently begging him to answer me.

“Damn it,” he whispered. I cocked my eyebrow, not sure what to make of his comment.

“I really wish you wouldn’t hang out with her. Bella, she may act nice now, but I promise you, she will turn on you,” he said.

“But…” I began, but was cut off by Edward.

“No, look. Alice is only interested in Alice. She’s one of the most selfish people I know. Really, my entire family is that way. If it’s not for their benefit, or in some way makes them look good, they want nothing to do with it. I’ve learned that the only person I can trust is myself.”

He paused and looked me in the eye.

“Well, it was true, until I met you. I’ve never met anyone that was as loyal, or self-less, as you are.”

He leaned over and pecked my lips, telling me with that kiss that he meant those words. I melted into his touch and relished in his words. No one had ever said anything as sweet, or as deep, to make me feel important.

“Okay, fine. I can kind of see where you’re coming from with Alice, but what about Emmett? You guys seem close,” I pointed out.

“Yeah, we’re close I guess, but I still don’t trust him. He’s stuck so far up Rosalie’s ass, though, it makes me question where his loyalties lie,” he said.

“How so?” I asked. I was intrigued by his thoughts about Emmett. Because of the fact they were such close friends, I had assumed that Edward trusted him completely.

“All she would have to do is ask, and he would do anything for her. It’s no secret that she’s not fond of me. I know that if it came down to a choice between me and her, he’d choose her in a second. I can understand to a point, because I feel the same way about you. The difference is that you would never ask because you know the value of family, and you don’t expect me drop everything for you. She’s the type of girl who does. He’s blind to the fact that Rosalie is poison and will eventually put him in a situation that he’ll later regret.”

~.~.~.~

As Edward’s words replayed in my head, his words about Alice stood out.

_She may act nice now, but I promise you, she will turn on you._

_Alice is only interested in Alice._

_She’s one of the most selfish people I know._

I believed Edward with all of my heart, deciding he was right. Alice could not be trusted, and I would have to watch my back with her. 

After what seemed like an eternity, they finally joined the rest of us. Alice had a smug look on her face that, if she wasn’t careful, I was going to wipe off. Catching her gaze, I held it for a minute to show her that she couldn’t intimidate me. I wasn’t sure what her problem with me was, but I wasn’t going to worry about it right then. My focus was on the man that was the cause of my pain, made me feel love, and who held the key to my entire being.

My eyes released hers and I walked to the doors, counting my breaths with each step I took. I pushed them open and the first thing I saw was a large desk in front of me. It was raised up and shaped like an oval. Five nurses sat behind it, and each one was busy with writing notes, checking charts, or other tasks. A tall, strawberry blonde nurse stood in front of the desk and watched me as I walked. I noticed as I made my way over to her that there were rooms all around, making the nurse’s station the central part of the unit. Curtains were drawn for some rooms, and others were left open, showing the occupants inside.

The blonde nurse smiled at me when I approached. She held her hand out, and I shook it.

“Hi, I’m Tanya and I’ll be Edward’s nurse until six am, and then Charlotte will be taking over. I just wanted to go over a few things before you see him,” she stated in a kind voice.

I nodded my head and waited for her to finish.

“Now, so I know who I’m speaking to, could you tell me who you are?” she asked.

“Uh, I’m Bella,” I began, but was interrupted.

“Oh, so you’re his girlfriend,” Tanya said with a smile. “I just want to say, I really admire that you came to visit him. I’ve been working in the NCCU for about three years, and unfortunately, most families complain about a girlfriend that leaves when things look tough. It’s sad, but it occurs more often than most people think.”

“I—I love him.  Of course I’m not going to leave him,” I murmured.

Her smile widened, and she led me over toward the desk. On it, there was a file with lots of different colored papers. Each had Edward’s name on it and a bunch of other facts and figures that looked like Greek to me.

“Okay, so Mrs. Cullen has given me permission to answer any questions you might have, so feel free to ask at any time,” she began. “Because the swelling is still so high, the doctor has ordered that Edward be kept in an environment that is as quiet as possible. That means no talking or anything else that could make noise because it can cause the pressure to go up.”

I blanched, trying hard not to freak out. What kind of fucking sick dream was I in? _No, this was not happening and I was in my bed, sleeping peacefully. Any minute Edward would wake me up and tell me that it was all just a nightmare._

“Are you okay?” Tanya asked, concerned.

_Fuck._

_This was real._

_This was my new reality._

_This shit was going to haunt me until he woke up._

I snapped out of my trance and looked at her. I could see the worry etched across her face. _All right_ , I thought, _pull it together. You are stronger than this_. I pulled myself up by my proverbial boot straps and took a deep breath. I was not going to fall apart—I was going to be what Edward needed and get my shit together.

“Yes, I’m fine. Sorry,” I said.

“Don’t worry about it. I know this must be hard and I can’t imagine what you must be feeling right now,” she stated with kindness. “If you’re ready, I’ll take you to his room.”

Tanya walked over to the third room from the desk in the center and pulled back the curtain. A small gasp escaped me when I looked inside. Edward was lying on a bed that looked like it had an air mattress on top of it. A multitude of machines surrounded him, and there were wires and tubes connected to various parts of his body. The room was dark, so it was hard to make out anything else.

She motioned for me to follow her as she walked into the room. I was a few steps behind her, keeping my eyes on Edward the entire time. Tanya walked over to the sink on the far side of the room and turned on a light overhead. The dim glow illuminated the space enough for me to see Edward better.

I pulled a chair, as gently and quietly as I could, toward the side of his bed not littered with hospital machinery. As I looked him over, I noticed the additions made since I had seen him last. There was a large white bandage wrapped around his forehead that almost covered his hair; only the very tips of his auburn locks peeked out from their cloth prison. In his mouth, there was a large clear tube that was taped to his cheek and connected to a machine by his head. On the right side of his head, near his eyebrow, a long, metal spike and a clear tube protruded outward. I covered my mouth, pushing slightly to hold back the sob that threatened to escape.

When I had control of myself again, I continued my inspection. His face was slightly sunken and was paler than before. He almost looked like a ghost, with the dark circles under his eyes and pasty complexion. Edward’s hands rested on his stomach, and his right hand and forearm each had an IV attached to it, and his left finger had something clipped to it that was attached to a small wire. The IV tube in his hand lead to a large bag of clear liquid and several other smaller bags attached to the first. The IV access on his forearm was unattached and taped down so only a small opening was free.

The machine directly across from me had numbers and squiggly lines that ran across the screen. Behind it, there was a ventilator—I recognized it because it looked like the one downstairs—that made whooshing sounds each time it took a breath for him. Above both of those, there was a television screen keeping track of all sorts of vitals like pulse, blood pressure, and blood oxygen levels.

Tanya walked to me and kneeled down beside me. She had a folder with a blank sheet of paper and a pen, and she began writing down explanations of what each machine was, the reason he was attached to it, and what each of the readings meant. I learned that the machine across from him was responsible for keeping track of his intracranial pressure. The numbers represented what the ICP was currently, while the squiggly lines measured brain activity. Since those were all over the place, she explained that his brain was still functioning.

When she was finished, she handed me the paper. I thanked her and folded it to put it in my pocket. The small piece of paper meant more to me than she would ever know because it was the first time someone had taken the time to actually explain things in a way I would understand.

She smiled as she rose, patting me on the shoulder. Tanya mouthed, _stay as long as you need,_ and then left the room. For the first time in hours, I was alone with Edward.

I wanted to hold his hand, but it was attached to things, so I settled for running my fingers across his untouched forearm. Honestly, I was afraid to touch him anywhere else. Silent tears streaked down my face as I watched him. His chest moved up and down in time with the ventilator, and the bed would hiss every so often. He was in yet another hospital gown, this time in green, and the covers were pulled up to his stomach with his hands on top of them.

I wanted to talk to him so badly because there was so much I wanted to say—things that I feared I’d never have a chance to voice again. I didn’t know if God could hear me, but I sent a silent prayer out, begging that, just this once, Edward could hear my thoughts.

_Oh Edward, I love you so much. Baby, it’s killing me to watch you lay here with all of these machines around you. I’m so, so, so sorry for so many things. I’m sorry that I pushed you that night and made you angry. I’m sorry that I wasn’t strong enough to demand you stop the drugs and drinking. But, most of all, I’m sorry that it’s taken something like this for me to have the courage to stand up to your family._

_I promise you, right now, that I will be here until I am no longer needed. I know you don’t trust them, and I will try my hardest to make sure they do what is best for you, not what will leave them with the least amount of guilt. I get it now. You once told me that they are very selfish and only care about how a situation is going to affect them._

_I swear I will fight with everything I have to make sure you get better. I don’t know if you remember or not, but when I broke up with you, it was done out of haste. You scared me, baby, and I didn’t know what else to do. I’m over that now, and am ready to do whatever it takes, no matter how hard it is._

I rose and placed a small peck on his cheek because I needed him to feel my love, even if it was only a small gesture.

Time passed, but I refused to acknowledge the fact. My place was there, sitting next to Edward and keeping a silent watch over him. Sure, I was aware that there were other people waiting to see him, but I rationalized my feelings with the fact that Tanya had given me permission to sit as long as needed. I could feel it in my bones that he wouldn’t want me to cut my visit short, and instead take as much time as I could. If he were awake, I would be the one he demand to see and he wouldn’t be worried about who he offended. I decided to take a page out of his book and not care either. 


	13. Paranoid Android

June 19, 2003

With one last kiss to his cheek, I stood and left Edward in the NCCU. Each step I took caused the hole in my chest, which had behaved itself while I visited, to open further. I had to force myself to open the doors that led to the hallway outside.

All eyes were on me as I passed the threshold separating hell from purgatory. I held my head high as I passed by Edward’s family and our friends with tears streaming down my face. While I couldn’t control the fact I was crying, I could hold myself back from having a breakdown. I refused to show any of them weakness, because the moment I did, it was all over. His family wouldn’t listen to me regarding his wishes if the unthinkable happened, and Edward would suffer for it.

I took my place against the wall as the next couple went to see him. Julian and Erin walked past me, taking their turn behind the doors. I rolled my neck, trying to release some of the building tension. It was almost certain I would be getting a headache later, but I tried to do what I could to lessen the future pain.

“Bella!” a female voice called out from down the hall.

_Mother Fucking Shit._

Renee had just made her grand entrance, and Lord help me, I was going to need another shot of patience because it was almost gone.

_Damn Charlie for calling her._

I turned toward the sound of her voice and plastered a fake smile on my face. She was running in heels toward me, and I hoped she wouldn’t cause a huge scene. When she reached me, she grabbed me tightly and whispered words in my ear that were probably meant to comfort me, but instead, they irritated me. I was aware that Renee had no clue how those words would affect me, but I wasn’t in a forgiving mood at the moment. It was becoming harder and harder to hear anyone tell me that Edward was going to be all right. Seriously, had these people not paid attention when they said his brain was fucking swollen? It was as far from _all right_ as you could get, and the doctors hadn’t given us any guarantees or positive feedback that anything would be _all right_ ever again. I was starting to hate the words _all right_ and wished they would burn in a fiery death.

Charlie came up behind my mother, pulling her off of me. Renee shot him an irritated look and went to stand next to her husband. I hadn’t noticed Phil when my mother attacked me, and I felt kind of bad. He was a nice guy, especially since he dealt with my mother while keeping a smile on his face. Phil gave me a small wave as he led my mother away from us. That man was a saint, and I vowed to thank him later for distracting her.

Everyone stood out in the hall as each smaller group each went to see Edward. Each time they exited, their faces were filled with grief. I wondered if Edward was aware that, despite the shit his family had put him though, there were people that cared for him.

 After Jasper had come back from seeing. Edward, I couldn’t look him in the eye. I still held a lot of deep anger and felt that he played a big part in everything. That fact didn’t matter, though, because he wouldn’t meet my gaze either.

To my surprise, Renee and Phil took the last turn. I hadn’t thought they would have wanted to see him—Edward had only been around my mother and her husband a handful of times over the years. Yet they went back, spent some time with him, and then came out like everyone else. We were all too caught up in the drama and pain of the situation to think much about their visit with him.

Once everyone was gathered in the hall, it was decided that the waiting room might be a better place to congregate. Carlisle, being the silent leader, led us there, and I was surprised that it was empty. Then again, I reasoned it was close to midnight so it shouldn’t have been that shocking. We all sat in a close circle, and each person’s face matched my mood—somber.

“I think this would be a good time to talk about lodging,” Carlisle spoke as he rubbed his eyes with his thumb and forefinger.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Esme announced to the room. She was met with curious stares from her children and a glare from her husband, who was sitting on her left.

“Esme, please be reasonable,” Carlisle pleaded.

“Carlisle, my baby boy is lying in a bed down the hall, unable to move. I am not leaving his side until he wakes up. Since this room is the closest I can be to him at night, this is where I will sleep,” Esme declared in a tone that left no room for argument.

Carlisle hung his head and sighed, but then he looked to where I sat next to Esme. I could tell by the expression on his face that he wanted me to help him talk some sense into his wife, but I wasn’t going to be much help. When he’d mentioned finding a room, my mind had spun into a panic over the thought of leaving the hospital grounds. I didn’t want to leave—what if something happened to him and I wasn’t there? No, that was the last thing I wanted. So Esme’s refusal to go anywhere was a godsend, and I was sticking with her.

“Esme, I’ll stay here with you,” I whispered.

Carlisle groaned and gave me a sour look. I wanted to tell him— _Yes, I backed your wife up. Did you seriously think I would want to leave Edward?_

Esme smiled smugly and nodded her head toward me. “Of course, dear. I’d love for you to keep me company.”

“Mom’s right. I’m staying too,” Emmett said.

Rosalie whipped her head around and glared at her husband. If she had the ability to accomplish it, Emmett would have been a pile of ash in front of us. I held in the snicker that wanted to escape, trying and failing to imagine the blonde princess sleeping on one of the couches or even the arm chairs that lined the room. Of course, if every decision didn’t center on her and what she wanted, it was an affront to her.

“I am not sleeping in this dirty waiting room. Do you realize what kind of people sit in these chairs?” Rosalie asked as she cringed.

“Now, Rosalie, I don’t think…” Emmett started to say.

“No. We will be getting a hotel room, and that’s final,” she said with a huff. Believing she had won, she turned away with a smug look on her face.

Emmett leaned over her to look at his mother. “Like I said, Mom, count me in.”

Rosalie, in a fit, got up and stormed out of the room. For the first time since they had been together, Emmett didn’t follow her. He sat back in his chair and turned his focus to the television across the room. The rest of the group was in different layers of shock, trying to grasp the fact that Emmett had just stood up to his wife.

“Christ,” Carlisle whispered. “Fine, everyone can sleep where they want. I’ve booked some rooms in the hotel across the street. It’s attached to the hospital and only allows family members to stay. I’ve taken the liberty of securing and paying for all of the rooms for everyone. We all need a place to get away from here and sleep, if that’s what you choose.”

He looked pointedly at Emmett and me, and then he turned his eyes to his wife. His gaze softened, and she shook her head at him. I imagined the silent conversation between them was about the fact that she wanted to stay, and he wanted her to sleep in a bed. He should have known better, though. Esme was as stubborn as they come, and I was convinced it was where Edward had gotten his obstinate personality from.

My father, my mother, Sue, Phil, Erin, and Julian all decided to join Carlisle at the hotel. They reasoned they weren’t getting any younger and that we kids could fight over the uncomfortable furniture. They did, however, offer to go to the closest 24-hour department store and buy pillows and blankets for the rest of us determined to sleep in the waiting room. Not long after the decision was made, the six of them left. We hadn’t heard from Rosalie since she had stormed off, but it was assumed she was going to take one of the available rooms. Emmett didn’t act like it, but I was sure it hurt him that she couldn’t put her selfishness aside for him.

Alice and Jasper had been strangely silent during the exchange about sleeping arrangements. With the shifty way she was acting, I was sure she’d stay with our group. It was just my luck and something I’d have to deal with.

While my father and the others were gone, I went and sat next to Emmett. He was fascinated with what was on the screen. To me, it looked like a fish tank was being filmed by a video camera. I glanced over at him, silently questioning what he was doing.

“What?” he asked as he caught my eye.

“What are you watching?”

He chuckled. “I’ve been sitting here watching this program and trying to figure out why it never changes. For the past thirty minutes, all they’ve shown is this fish tank.”

I laughed at him and was amused by his interest in what was on the screen. “You do know other channels exist, right?” I asked sarcastically.

“Shut up,” he mumbled. “I know there are other channels. I just…it seems familiar, ya know?” he asked.

“What seems familiar?” I questioned.

“The tank, silly girl. I’ve seen this damn thing before—I know it.”

I rolled my eyes and shook my head, deciding that Emmett had cracked from the stress of the situation. How in the hell was a fish tank familiar? Then a thought hit me, and I narrowed my eyes.

“Are you fucking with me? Because if you are…” I threatened. I was in no mood for games, and Alice’s smug ass had eaten up the last of my goodwill.

He sighed. “No, seriously, I’ve seen it,” he said and then paused. His eyes widened comically as he looked back at the television screen.

“That’s it!” Emmett yelled, startling everyone left in the room. Esme’s hand flew up to her chest while Carlisle whipped around in his chair.

“Emmett Jameson Cullen!” Esme admonished. “What in the hell are you yelling about?”

“The fish tank! I know where it’s at!” he hollered.

Esme did not look amused by his outburst—in fact, she looked quite pissed. Emmett saw her glare and it made him shrink into his chair, bowing his head. Once she felt he was properly scolded, she turned back to her husband, beginning a hushed conversation.

“I know where it is,” Emmett mumbled quietly.

I patted his arm in pity. “Sure you do, Emmett,” I said.

“I’ve seen it in this hospital somewhere, and I am going to find it,” he continued. “Even if it takes me forever to do it.”

I rescinded my first thought. Emmett hadn’t cracked—he’d lost his damn mind. He wasn’t acting like the stable and responsible brother we all knew. Whether it was from the stress of Edward’s condition, or his wife’s bitchy attitude, Emmett Cullen was acting like a buffoon. I chose to embrace his mental breakdown, because I needed something to take my mind away from the reality of the situation. Watching Emmett embarrass himself seemed like a good way to do it. 

~.~.~.~

An hour later, close to two o’clock in the morning, my parents, Sue, Phil, Erin, and Julian returned from their shopping trip. They brought with them enough blankets and pillows for the ones who were staying in the waiting room. Carlisle had since included himself in that group, unable to leave his wife for even one night. The group staying at the hotel left everything and then retired for the night, and Rosalie joined them. Emmett apparently didn’t feel the same way about his wife as his father did about his own, because Emmett stayed with us.

Once they were gone, Emmett began with his obsession again. Esme threatened to make him sleep out in the hall if he didn’t drop it for the night. The idea of sleeping on a floor that may or may not be filled with germs did not appeal to him, so he gave up.

Carlisle and Esme made a pallet on the floor in the corner of the room behind some of the furniture, creating a small cubby hole for themselves. Jasper and Emmett each took a couch because of their tall and large frames. That left the chairs for Alice and me—which I supposed was fine. Both of us were small in stature, but it would have been nice for one of the boys to be chivalrous and give up his spot. Hell, who was I kidding? These people were selfish and didn’t care about anyone’s comfort but their own.

I was breaking a sweat pushing two armchairs together, getting more pissed off by the second. Everyone but Alice and I was snuggled under the blankets. I huffed and pushed harder, hoping to use my anger as a motivator. Once I got the chairs together, I put the pillow and blankets inside, climbing in.

I realized as soon as I was settled that the armchair idea wasn’t the best I’d ever come up with. The fact that I was short meant nothing because it was still cramped. My body had to twist into an awkward fetal position just to fit inside. Sleep was not going to come easy, if at all, while I was in that position. I shifted and placed my legs over the arm of the chair, moving my pillow at the same time to find a relaxing angle.

It was no use. After a few minutes of turning, twisting, shifting, and pulling my body, I gave up. There was no way around it—I was going to have cramps in my neck and back in the morning, putting me in a foul mood. Then again, I could just wait for Jasper to fall asleep, push him off his bed, and then steal his spot. I was still pissed at him and couldn’t find any reservations against it. I lay there, waiting for everyone else to drift off.

“So…if you were a fish tank, where would you hide?” Emmett said in the dark.

Everyone groaned. After his initial discussion with me about the “Fish Channel” as he was calling it, Emmett decided it would be a good idea to include Alice, Jasper, his mom, and his dad in his obsession with the tank. Their faces matched my thoughts when he explained his theory about it, and they all looked at him like he was nuts. For once, it was good to know we were all on the same page.

“Emmett, no one cares about the fish tank, you stupid jackass. Shut up and go to sleep,” Alice whisper-yelled.

“You’re just jealous you didn’t decide to go find it first,” Emmett taunted.

“Oh yes, I’m going to cry because I’m not obsessed with glass, water, rocks, and slimy creatures. My world is empty, oh wise one,” Alice said, laying the sarcasm on thick.

“You will be when I find the holy grail of fish tanks. That thing is famous,” Emmett said.

“Hello, have we met?” Jasper asked. “Where is the guy that used to yell at Edward and me to grow up because we didn’t act our age? You know, like the time he and I decided it would be a good idea to jump into the pool from the roof when we were fifteen?”

Emmett chuckled. “Yeah, man, I remember that. It was the summer after my first year of college. God, you guys were idiots. Dad should have never let you guys watch Jackass because maybe then Edward wouldn’t have broken his leg on the concrete.”

We all let out small laughs; they were remembering what really happened while I remembered when Edward had told me about it. Edward had said that, while Jasper had been the instigator, he had ended up jumping alone because Jasper backed out at the last second. Missing the pool completely, he’d hit the concrete instead and broke his leg in three places. He’d had surgery on his leg to place pins in the bone to help it heal correctly. The rest of the summer was spent in a cast, and then he had to go through physical therapy to get the use of his leg back. Edward had told the story like it was a fond memory, but I cringed the entire time. Boys were so dumb.

A strained silence engulfed the room after the trip down memory lane. I didn’t know what thoughts were running through everyone else’s heads, but mine was filled with the current situation. Just remembering Edward’s broken leg brought back what he was going through at the moment.

I could still picture him, lying motionless in that bed and hooked up to all of those machines. His pale skin and the dark circles under his eyes, caused by the pressure in his skull. The bandage wrapped around his head, covering the horror underneath. Even the probe that measured his level of swelling and the tube that was draining the fluid in his cranium—both stuck inside the skin and bone, protruding outward. The image of Edward, looking weak and broken, would haunt me.

My eyes squeezed shut tightly while I tried to think of happier times. Images of Edward in the NCCU, though, wouldn’t go away. It was like they had been branded inside me, taking hold and erasing everything else. In the silent, dark room it was hard to recall anything that wasn’t tragic or painful.

“All you haters can just suck my nuts. I’m finding it, and I will laugh at you when I do,” Emmett called out suddenly. I wanted to kiss him because I had never been happier for a distraction in my life.

“That’s it!” Esme yelled. “If you don’t shut up and go to sleep right now, Emmett Cullen, I will kick your ass. I brought you into this world, and as your mother, it is my right to take you out if I have to.”

Esme’s words shocked us into silence.

“All right, then. Anyone want to add anything else?” she asked. When no one said anything, she continued.

“Good night, everyone.”

~.~.~.~

_June 20, 2003_

The next morning, we were woken up at six a.m. by the cleaning crew. They weren’t happy we had camped out the night before. As quickly as we could, we packed up and headed out of the room.

“Jeeze, you’d think we committed murder, or something, by the looks they were giving us,” Jasper said.

I pretended to ignor his comment while silently agreeing with him. Did they not think that maybe, just maybe, we were distraught family members who couldn’t be away from our loved one? We could have had nowhere else to sleep, and they probably would have still kicked us out like we were transients. If we were going to keep sleeping there, we’d have to wake up much earlier.

People must have thought we _were_ hobos when we passed by carrying our stuff with us. I didn’t care, though; they could look if they wanted to. All I wanted was a bathroom so I could take care of my morning needs. When I found the one for our floor, I pushed the door open and expected Esme and Alice to follow. Alice was the only one that came in, unfortunately. _Lovely_ , I thought. _I get to wash up and pee with Miss Attitude._

I was ready for a repeat performance of her actions the day before, but they never came. She passed by me and went into a stall, pretending like I didn’t exist. That was fine by me, because I wasn’t in the mood for her drama. I wanted to see Edward and find out how he had done the night before, and I didn’t want to worry about her actions. Tanya had told me that Charlotte would be his nurse, and I wondered if she was as nice. I hoped so, because with the jumbled emotions swirling inside me, I didn’t think I could keep from acting on them if pushed.

I went to the nearest sink and laid my bag on the counter. Pulling out my toothbrush and toothpaste, I scrubbed my teeth first. Then I went to a stall and proceeded to do my business. Twenty minutes later, I was dressed and ready to face the world. Well, maybe not the world, but I felt like I could at least go to breakfast without embarrassing anyone.

I met up with everyone else in the cafeteria line and went to work deciding on breakfast. Remembering the horrible food back at Forks Memorial, I hoped that the food there was better. If it wasn’t, I was going to starve. It didn’t take long for everyone to choose what they wanted and migrate to a cluster of tables large enough to fit our group.

“Esme and I have been talking,” Carlisle started. “And we’ve decided on how visitations will go from now on.”

Each person stopped what they were doing and gave Carlisle their full attention. I was getting used to him being the unofficial spokesperson, and it didn’t even faze me anymore. We all waited for him to continue.

“I think it would be best if Esme and I went for the first visit, so we can talk with the doctor each morning. Then the next three visits can be split between the rest of you, leaving Bella with the last visit of the day.”

My heart sank and my stomach dropped to my knees. Once again, I was being pushed out, but at the same time, kept in the loop.  I didn’t get it—I didn’t want to sound ungrateful, but I couldn’t understand why I was given the last time. Couldn’t they have let one of the others take it, so I could see him sooner?  I remembered that there were six visiting times, with the last one at nine p.m.  I would be going crazy for the next—I looked up at the wall and saw a clock. It told me that it was now 7:30 in the morning, and I had to wait another thirteen and a half hours before I’d see Edward. It wasn’t fair, and I wanted to cry.

“So, who decides what time we go and for how long?” Alice asked.

“Since each visit will last no more than twenty minutes, I think it would be best to stay for ten minutes at a time,” Carlisle answered.

“Well, I’m just going to say what everyone else is thinking,” Alice said. “I’m wondering why Bella gets an entire visit to herself. I don’t think that’s right, because Emmett and I are his brother and sister. We should get times to ourselves, and she should have to share with someone.”

“Wait a minute. I’m not sure I agree with you, Alice. Yes, he’s my brother, but I think Edward would be pissed if we didn’t give Bella a visit. If he were awake, he’d want to spend as much time with her as he could,” Emmett objected.

I was really starting to like the new Emmett. Before Edward’s accident, I’d thought Emmett was a first-class jerk with the way he talked about his brother most times. Suddenly, though, my opinion had changed because he was the last person I’d expected to stand up for me.

“Emmett,” Rosalie said. “Alice is right. She’s not family, and I have no idea why she’s even here. Didn’t you break up with him?”

Ah—I’d been waiting for her to bring up that particular fact. Rosalie was good at highlighting things that probably shouldn’t be mentioned. She had no time for manners or tact. I took a deep breath, preparing to answer the bitch, but Esme beat me to it.

“That is enough, all of you. I don’t want to hear another word. This has already been decided, and as Edward’s parents, it is our prerogative to decide who goes when. If this bickering continues, I will not allow you to even see him. Are we clear?” Esme ordered.

No one said a word.

“Alice? Rosalie?” she asked.

Both nodded their heads and were unable to look Esme in the eye. Satisfied with their compliance, Esme went back to eating her breakfast. I chanced a look at Carlisle and saw that he was staring at the table with a scowl on his face. I wondered, again, what his problem was.

Thirty minutes later, Carlisle and Esme went back to see Edward. I decided to stay away from the third floor for the time being, because I didn’t think I could stand watching them go behind those doors, knowing I had to wait until nine o’clock at night. My mother, of all people, thought it would be fun to go check out the gift shop with me.

“Bella, look at this,” Renee called out.

Oh God, Renee had found the baby themed items. She was holding up a small onesie that said, “I’m a daddy’s girl.” I knew that she was only showing it to me to distract me from what was going on, but looking at that tiny piece of cloth hurt more than I could imagine.

“Yeah, Mom, that’s great,” I said.

I ducked away from her, hoping to find something else to look at. A bunch of knick knacks sitting on a small wooden bookcase caught my attention. They were cheesy as hell, but I was drawn to them. Looking over the items made of glass, plastic, resin, and porcelain, I could imagine some of them adorning a table or shelf at home. The snow globes were the ones that had really caught my eye, with their picturesque scenes showing a world that didn’t have pain, sadness, or guilt. Inside, everything was perfect and everyone was smiling and happy. I wanted things to be that way on this side of the glass, as well.

After I had put myself in a deeper depression looking at the snow globes, I turned to find my mother. She was at the register, paying for a purchase. The lady at the counter gave her some change and handed her a small plastic bag. I didn’t even want to know what she had bought, because it was probably tactless.

When we left, she wanted to go back to her room to lie down and tried to persuade me to do the same. Renee even suggested I track down Esme to get a key to my own room. I brushed her off and told her I was fine, denying that I needed rest. She gave up after a few minutes and headed to the second floor, where a causeway led from the hospital to the hotel.

Going outside seemed like a good idea, so I rode the elevator to the ground floor. On the way to the outside doors, though, I noticed Carlisle and Esme standing in the lobby waiting room. _What time is it anyway?_ I looked over at the clock and saw it was after nine a.m. _Wow, Renee and I really wasted a lot of time in that store_. I could tell they were arguing, and my plan was to pass by and ignore them. As I was doing just that, I heard my name and couldn’t help but overhear. I stopped behind a wall outside the waiting room on the first floor, trying to stay hidden but positioning myself so I could see what was going on.

“This is starting to get a bit ridiculous, don’t you think, Esme?” Carlisle asked.

“I have no idea what you are talking about,” Esme replied.

“This—including her in everything. Don’t get me wrong—I will always be grateful for how she’s stood by Edward, but I don’t think it’s appropriate. She already broke up with him. Do you really think she’s going to stay if things don’t turn out like she hopes?” Carlisle asked.

Esme narrowed her eyes at her husband, squaring her shoulders as if she was preparing for a fight.

“See, that’s where we disagree. Bella understands this situation more than most of the people here. She has been there when he was at his worst. Do you know what happened that night? What made her finally say ‘enough’?” Esme asked.

Carlisle stared at his wife with a questioning look.

“He punched a hole through the bathroom door, Carlisle. He was cruel to her. She doesn’t know, but I heard some of what was said. I don’t blame her for ending it, and if you had come at me like that, I’d have left too. It’s a testament to how much she cares about our son that she’s still here, even after the hell he’s put her though,” she said.

“Well, not including Emmett and Alice in what’s going on is causing problems and will continue to cause problems,” Carlisle pointed out.

“I don’t give a damn,” Esme declared. “Alice can be a brat all she wants, and I don’t think Emmett cares when he sees Edward or what he is told. All he’s concerned about is that he gets to see him.”

Carlisle started to say something, but Esme cut him off.

“As far as I’m concerned, Bella is Edward’s wife,” Esme said.

“Now, Esme…” Carlisle started again.

“No, Carlisle. That girl has been with Edward through everything, and she deserves that title. It’s not my fault our son is too stupid to put a ring on her finger.”

I stood hidden against the wall stunned, not believing what I was hearing. Esme considered me to be Edward’s spouse? It just didn’t make sense for her to say those things about me. I didn’t deserve her praise or protection. Carlisle was right—I had abandoned their son when he needed me the most. It was only after everything had gone to hell that I made the decision to stay. I wasn’t worthy of what Esme was proclaiming me to be by any means, but I was grateful.

As quietly as I could, I inched my way from the wall and walked slowly to the exit, praying they didn’t see me. The morning air hit my face, but I couldn’t concentrate on the chill spreading across my skin. Thoughts were flashing through my head rapidly and I was still having trouble accepting what I had overheard. It didn’t take long to find the spot I had occupied the night before, so I sat down and tried to think of nothing. I was so tired of the rollercoaster of emotions that I had to keep going through and wondered when it would finally stop. Or was it more likely that I would crack under the pressure?

~.~.~.~

I waited anxiously behind the swinging doors where Edward lay and watched the clock. _Five more minutes until I could see him._ It had been a long day filled with boredom, nerves, and jealousy, and each time I watched another person go see my love, another piece of my heart tore off. At the rate I was going, there would be nothing left by the time Edward woke. However, if suffering through the long days was payment for his passage back into the world of the living, then I’d do it without complaint.

The hands on the clock moved agonizingly slow, making me think that time was actually stopping just to fuck with me. What I wanted to do was punch it to make it go faster, but instead, I stood waiting with a scowl.

The devil himself couldn’t keep me from going through those doors once those hands reached nine o’clock, and I rushed through them. The NCCU looked the same as it had the day before, and the same nurse, Tanya, was on duty. I walked over to her to get the report for the day, knowing I would have no problems from her. The argument I’d witnessed earlier in the day made up my mind—I was going to get my information from a nurse instead of trusting his parents to keep me in the know. There was no way I was going to be a source of tension between Carlisle and Esme anymore. They had enough to worry about and didn’t need to add me to the mix.

She smiled at me and pulled out a red binder, opening it and going over the details inside. One fact that alarmed me was that Edward’s intracranial pressure had stayed between 35 and 40 throughout the day. No one had mentioned this to me, and deciding to quit relying on his family to tell me the essentials seemed like the right thing to do.

After the small briefing on Edward’s condition, I went to his room. Edward was still lying motionless on the bed with machines all around him. I noticed a new development and went to ask Tanya about it.

“Um, what is that tube up his nose?” I questioned her when I reached the desk.

“Oh, I forgot to tell you. The doctor inserted a feeding tube through his nose. It was a good thing it took, too. Otherwise, they’d have had to cut an opening in his stomach and insert it that way,” Tanya explained.

I cringed, trying to imagine them putting a tube in his stomach. Nope, I couldn’t do it. Thankful didn’t even begin to describe how I felt about the tube up his nose. Edward would have been livid if they had to mar his skin even more to insert anything.

I thanked her and went back to his room. As quietly as I could, I positioned one of the small chairs next to his bed and watched over him. It was still upsetting to see all of the wires and tubes attached to him, but I knew that they were necessary, so I tried to focus on the readings from the machines. Not being a doctor, they didn’t mean much, except the damn ICP. That I watched like a hawk, as it bounced from 33 to 40 and showed no signs of stabilizing.

I looked at Edward’s pale face, and I wondered if he could dream in that state. What would run through his mind if he could? Would he think about me and our time together? If so, would it make him happy, or would it be too real, causing him to think that what he was seeing was reality? God, I hoped not because it scared me to think there was a chance he could get lost in there and never come back. 

I’d heard somewhere that people in comas could sometimes hear what their loved ones said to them while they were under. Not being able to utter a word, though, was killing me. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him, how much I missed him, and how much I wanted him to come back to me. I had been denied that, because the silence was the only thing keeping him from getting worse.

The twenty minutes I sat silently with Edward were torture, but it was torture I wouldn’t have traded for anything. I got through it by telling myself that being next to him was better than sitting in a waiting room wondering how he was. In his room, I knew what was going on and could be comforted by the fact that he was alive at the very least.

It was hard to pull myself away from him when it was time to go, but I did. I knew I’d see him the next day, and that is what stuck in the front of my mind. Saying a silent goodbye to him in my head, I leaned down and kissed him on his cheek softly. A tear slid from the corner of my eye as I moved away from his face. With one last look, I backed away and went back to the others.

~.~.~.~

_These people are a bunch of pussies._

Alice, Emmett, and Jasper decided that they couldn’t stand another night sleeping in the waiting room. I laughed silently in my head at Alice. For all her bravado, when push came to shove, her brother wasn’t the most important thing to her like she claimed.

_Fine. That was kind of cruel._

However, it was how I felt about her. She’d made such a big production that morning about how much she cared about Edward and how she should be front and center in all this. Yet it was Carlisle, Esme, and I that continued to stay as close to Edward as possible. I was starting to hate Alice for the way she was acting because it was helping nothing. It was only causing more drama on top of an already tense and distressing situation. We didn’t need to deal with that shit, or her, but we did anyway.

I rolled my eyes when Alice bid us goodnight and was glad she was gone. At least I would get some peace. Emmett said his goodbyes next, and we told him to have a good night. I figured it wouldn’t be too good because he was going to sleep with Rosalie, but he wasn’t my concern. He married the bitch, and she was his to deal with.

Jasper exited last without saying a word. His behavior was starting to get on my nerves, so in a move unlike myself, I followed him out the door. I was going to get to the bottom of it, because it was bullshit. He couldn’t even look me in the eye, and I wanted to know why.

“Hey, Jasper,” I called out.

He froze, turning slowly toward me. I was going to get answers from him that very instant. I walked over to him, preparing for the conversation that was about to begin.   


	14. Send the Pain Below

June 20, 2003

Jasper stood still waiting for me. I could feel the tension rolling off him. He knew that his time was up and he was going to have to give me some answers.

It was strange, the way he reacted toward me. He and I had always had a sort of easy quasi-friendship. Jasper was Edward’s best friend, and I was Edward’s girl, which meant we were friends by association. We’d never hung out without Edward, because it would have seemed strange, but in Edward’s company, we just went with the flow. At that moment, though, Edward wasn’t there to be the go-between, and Jasper and I were left to our own devices.

I reached Jasper and stood a few feet away from him. He recoiled from me like I would bite his hand off, castrate him, and burn him all with one look. It was slightly disturbing because, before everything that had happened, I’d thought we had a better friendship than that. Apparently not, but I brushed it off because I needed answers.

“What’s up?” Jasper added timidly.

“You tell me. What the hell, Jasper?” I responded with a question of my own.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he answered.

“Why haven’t you said one word to me since we arrived? Why are you avoiding me?” I asked.

He looked down at the ground, scratching the back of his neck. The anger coursed through me while I watched on, and I wanted to know why he couldn’t just answer my questions. After everything that had happened, I thought I deserved a response.

“What do you want me to say?” he asked in a frustrated tone.

“Well, for starters…I’d like for you to tell me why you haven’t said anything to me,” I demanded.

“What could I say? You, as well as everyone else, blame me for what happened to Edward. How is me saying anything going to help?” Jasper whispered.

“Fine, I do blame you,” I started. His gaze met mine, and a pain-filled expression crossed his face. “But I don’t think it’s all your fault.”

“Really? Because the vibe I’m getting from everyone is that I’m nothing but a worthless son of a bitch that aided in almost killing his best friend,” he said in a frustrated tone. “If that doesn’t make me culpable, I don’t know what does.”

 _Fucking great._ This was just what I needed—Jasper deciding to play the martyr. I wanted to bang my head against the wall or punch him in the face, because I was so tired of everyone’s bullshit. It seemed like the moment we found out Edward was in bad shape, everyone decided that they were the guilty party and that we should all pity them. Well, I was tired of it, and Jasper was the first fucker that was going to suffer my wrath.

“Oh my God, Jasper. Dramatic much? Were you the one driving the fucking car?” I asked with anger seeping into my voice.

“Well, no, but I…” Jasper started.

“No, you weren’t,” I pointed out, interrupted  him.

He opened his mouth again to speak, but I cut him off.

“Just…shut the fuck up,” I ordered.

His mouth shut, and his eyes went wide.

“Now, like I said, you weren’t driving the car. _Alice_ was the one driving the car. Your idiot ass and my boyfriend were the ones who were sitting on the hood. She was the one who drove off and then stopped short. So, if you’re to blame, then so is she.”

“Wait a minute!” Jasper exclaimed. “Alice feels real bad about that, but if I hadn’t talked Edward into sitting on the car, then maybe this wouldn’t have happened.”

“Oh please, have you ever known Edward to do anything he didn’t want to do?” I questioned.

He stood silent. The look on his face told me he knew I was right.

“No. Getting on the fucking car was his fault. So, do you want to know what your part in all this is?” I asked, goading him on. He nodded his head, and his brow creased. I could tell that I was pissing Jasper off. _Well, too fucking bad_. It felt wonderful to let out the tension that had been building for days. 

“Being a shitty friend—that is where your responsibility in all this is. Damn it, Jasper, did you have to always supply him with drugs? Couldn’t you have, like once, told him no? Or said, _hey_ , _man, maybe you’ve had enough?_   No, you were content to feed him all the chemicals he could ever want because you’re too pathetic to have any other friends, or even have a real girl, like you!” I yelled.

He stumbled back a couple of steps with pain written on his face. It was a low blow, and I knew it, but I couldn’t stop myself. The flood gates had been opened, and everything I had been holding in since Edward’s family had started turning on each other, and me, was released. It was a catharsis that had been a long time coming, and had unfortunately been aimed directly at Jasper.

He looked at me with tears in his eyes, and I started to feel bad because he didn’t deserve all of my anger. I started to apologize, but then he spoke.

“Do you want to know what happened that day?” he asked. His voice was weak, and I could see that he was on the verge of crying.

“He told me, before we got plastered and came to the house, that he couldn’t keep leaving you alone anymore. Edward said he was sorry, but you had to start coming first. Christ, Bella, he was terrified that you would leave him. I wasn’t lying when we talked the other day—Edward really does care that much. You are everything to him, and he chose you. He talked about going to rehab and getting himself together, because he knew that you weren’t going to put up with his shit for much longer.”

Jasper’s voice cracked, and he turned his head away. I stood there shocked, not wanting to believe what he was telling me, because it was too horrible for me to comprehend. If he had really decided to get clean, then what the fuck had gotten in the way of it?

Like a ton of bricks, it hit me.

My actions the night of the accident.

That was what got in the way of him becoming a better man.

I felt sick.

“Jasper, what…what…why did he…?” I asked. The words were stuck in my throat, and I couldn’t get them out. Everything was crashing around me, and I didn’t know if I wanted to understand just what had happened that day.

“He, uh, he got drunk because of his dad. Edward didn’t want to deal with his father’s shit sober. He said it was the last time that he was ever going to do it, and he wanted to go out with a bang, you know?” he replied. He somehow knew exactly what information I wanted to know.

“So, when we showed up, and you flipped out,” he continued. “he went crazy. When he stormed outside, he was babbling about how you’d dumped him and how he wasn’t going to let you go. Edward was so pissed. Here he was, about to give up so much for you, and you were ready to leave.”

“It wasn’t quite like that,” I whispered, remembering exactly what had gone down in that bathroom. “I have a different recollection of that night.”

He nodded, taking what I had said at face value.

“Anyway, he talked about just going out and drinking until he passed out. We argued and eventually I got him to settle down. When Alice came out, it escalated again and there was no calming him after that. I just kind of went with it, and it seemed like a good idea at the time,” Jasper admitted.

“And then he got hurt,” I murmured.

“Yeah, he fell off the damn car and everything went to shit.”

I was reeling from the new information, wondering why this had happened. Edward and I had been on the precipice of our happily ever after, and it had been yanked away by a series of bad decisions on mine, Edward’s, Jasper’s, and Alice’s parts. The what ifs attacked my brain, leaving me feeling more guilty than I had before.

“I’m sorry. If I had been a better friend…” Jasper started.

“Don’t,” I whispered. “Yes, you have some guilt in this, but I went too far. I’m the one that’s sorry.” 

“Bella…” he said.

I waved him off as I walked away, needing to be alone. It was too much to process around someone, especially him. I needed a moment to get my head together and figure everything out.

How I made it downstairs into the main floor of the hospital, I will never know. Dazed is the only way I could describe myself as I twisted and turned through the hospital corridors. Where I ended up looked like a hallway, but there were wooden benches lined against the walls. An exit sat at the end, but it didn’t look like it was used much. It could have been closed due to the late hour, but at the moment, it didn’t matter. The area was quiet and deserted, which was what I desperately needed.

I sat down on one of the hard wooden benches and thought about that fateful night, analyzing each word and action while trying to match it up with what Jasper had told me. The one thing that I didn’t understand, though, was if it was true, why hadn’t Edward said anything? Telling me that he was finished with the drugs and alcohol would have probably been the only thing that would have changed my mind that night. It was the one thing I’d hoped he would say to me for so long, and it crushed me to think that I’d been that close to getting everything I’d ever wished for.

The accident had torn my world apart and possibly stripped away the chance of ever knowing what Edward had been thinking that night. I might never come to understand what had driven him to go on the defensive instead of telling me what he had planned on doing.

For a moment, I was sure Jasper had been lying to me, but his actions since everything had gone south contradicted that thought. I couldn’t think of any other reason why he would avoid me like he had been. It made sense, somewhat, that he couldn’t look me in the eye because of his guilt and the knowledge that Edward had chosen to get better, but Jasper had played a part in it never happening. I wanted to be mad at him, but yet, how much could I really put on his shoulders?

Before the accident, I had pushed Edward, causing him to react. He, in turn, chose to let his anger get the best of him and leave out some important information. When he stormed off, he also decided to listen to Jasper, who thought it would be a good idea to suggest sitting on the hood of Alice’s car. Her culpability was in letting her anger rule her actions, making her decide to “show” them, which resulted in the mess we were in.

As I processed this new information, the ill feelings I held toward Jasper subsided a bit. I couldn’t really blame him for what had happened, because even when he was drunk, Edward was not one to be manipulated. Yes, he could be persuaded, but if he didn’t like the suggestion or think it was what he wanted to do, he had no problem saying no. In my rush to find someoneto pin the fault on, I glossed over that particular fact. It didn’t make sense anymore to be so angry with Jasper.

Alice, on the other hand, was making it hard to feel anything other than betrayal. I had chalked up her part in everything as a bad decision from the beginning. Her attitude since had caused me to rethink that first impression. I had no way of knowing what the smug looks, and her insistence that I wasn’t as important as she was, had to do with anything, but I was going to find out. There was no reason at the moment to lay blame where it didn’t belong, but she was pushing me to be angry for a different reason. In that moment, I promised myself that Alice was the next person I was going to have it out with.

That left Edward and his decisions that night. It was the first time I’d had a moment to evaluate his part in what had transpired and still came back to one thing—why had he left out his desire to go to rehab? What had upset him so much that he had to blow up at me rather than telling me? Something Jasper had said the other night tugged at the edge of my subconscious, trying to break through.

~.~.~.~

June 10, 2003

“What should I think? My fucking boyfriend is always with you,” I seethed.

“I promise you—he doesn’t even notice them. They could walk around naked, and he wouldn’t see them. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a good laugh because Edward pissed off some whore that wanted this attention but didn’t get it,” he assured me.

“Why should I believe you?” I asked. “You are his best friend. Isn’t it supposed to be bros before hoes or some shit like that?”

“Most of the time that’s how it is, but not when it comes to you. I’m going to tell you something that I’ve never admitted to anyone, and I’ll deny it if you ever tell Edward, okay?” he asked, gauging my reaction.

I nodded my head. Whatever words that came next didn’t matter. Jasper was his best friend; of course he was going to defend Edward.

“I’m jealous of Edward,” he admitted. He glanced at me, but I couldn’t say anything. Talk about something that came out of left field. This was not what I expected him to say. Wait, why was he jealous?

 “I want what you and Edward have. I thought I came close twice before, but it fell apart. You guys give me hope that there is someone out there for me, and I can’t let you give up without telling you that. God, Bella, that boy lives for you. Yeah, he’s not always here but that doesn’t mean you’re not on his mind. It would literally kill him to lose you,” Jasper confessed.

~.~.~.~

_Son of a bitch._

_I threatened to leave him—that’s why he went off the deep end_.

When things finally came into focus, it was hard to accept what was true. My actions had had a bigger impact than what I had previously thought, setting those terrible events in motion. My need to show Edward that I wasn’t going to take his shit anymore kicked in his need for me, causing him to react. It was quite possible it had pushed the one thing that would have stopped this entire mess to the side. Edward knew that I wanted him to quit, I just never told him how much. He in no way knew how much difference one statement would have made with me, and that is where my fault laid. The fact that I’d hid that desire to keep the peace, and keep my boyfriend, helped bring Edward to where he was.

Something else was beginning to build inside of me, though. For the first time since I’d seen Edward lying on the pavement, I was mad…at him.

I was so focused on what was going on with Edward from moment to moment that I hadn’t taken the time to think about anything else. Sitting there on the bench, though, there wasn’t anything to take my mind off of it. The fact that he had been about to quit didn’t matter as I thought about it, because he’d had plenty of opportunities to do so before. What had happened to make that particular time unique? Nothing had changed enough for him to commit to quitting and tell me about his decision.   

His actions showed that he was content staying on the same course he’d been on for years. Many times, I’d felt like I was his mistress, and he was married to his addictions. _The demons_ demanded his attention, gave him the joy and pleasure of a lover, were there when he needed them, and sometimes were the only comfort he required. Being jealous of something you never stood a chance against was a hard pill to swallow, but I had foolishly thought I could win. I had been determined to show Edward that I was going to be there for him unlike any other person in his life, that I could love him unconditionally and mean it, and that he’d never have to worry about me wanting to change him. Looking back, I was so fucking naïve.

Everything I had went into proving I was the one who could and would stand by him, and I was still doing it. I hated him for blindsiding me in my room the night he asked me to be his girl back in high school, and at the same time, I couldn’t imagine what my life would have been like had he just let things go. Honestly, I knew that I would probably be at a better station in life—the education, the house, the job, and maybe even the husband and kids. Question was, though, would I have been happy in that universe? After knowing the love I shared with Edward, despite all the shit he put me through, would that existence have brought me more bliss?

_No. It wouldn’t have._

No matter what, I would have always wondered what would have happened had I taken my chances with Edward. The intensity with which he loved compared to no other, and I couldn’t imagine how I could have feelings that intense about someone else. It’s a cliché to say that you feel like your partner is _the one_ , but it was how I felt about him. I knew that if the unthinkable was to happen, I would never seek out love again, because it would be too painful to open my heart up for anyone else. It was something I wouldn’t risk again.

That rationale was also what kept me at the hospital, waiting for Edward to wake up. I couldn’t picture being anywhere else but by his side. Right or wrong, it was how I felt, and I wasn’t concerned with how people would view my choice. I’d always been the type of person who stuck by a commitment I’d made to someone. It was something that had been ingrained into me as a child by my grandmother. She had always said that anyone can stay when things are good, but it takes a strong person to stick with your significant other when things are bad.

There was so much Edward and I needed to talk about once he woke up. I sighed and stood up, deciding to go back upstairs so I could sleep. I didn’t want to think about what time it was, so I avoided looking at a clock.

When I entered the waiting room, Esme was still awake. She watched me as I walked over to one of the couches and pulled out my pillow and blanket. Her eyes were still on me the entire time I set up my bed for the night. Honestly, it creeped me out a bit.

She was still staring when I turned around. Sighing, I waited for her to ask me if I was okay, and I wasn’t disappointed.

“Are you all right, dear?” Esme questioned in a whisper.

I knitted my brows together, wondering why she was talking in such a low voice. Moving my head, I noticed that Carlisle was already asleep. _Ah, so that’s why._

“I’m fine, really,” I answered honestly. “I just needed to clear my head. I feel better now.”

Esme eyed me skeptically, but didn’t question my explanation. I was glad because I didn’t know how to answer her and didn’t want to tell her what had really happened. It would have broken her heart to know what Edward had revealed to Jasper in those last few hours before everything went to hell.

Sleep didn’t come easy after I had lain down, because my mind was still in overdrive. Talking with Jasper might not have been the smartest move right before bed. He’d given me a lot to think about, and I tried to shut it off.

~.~.~.~

June 21, 2003

Morning came, and we were up before the cleaning crew made it to the waiting room. Carlisle, Esme, and I weren’t in the mood for a repeat of the prior day. We carried our belongings to the second floor, making our way to the causeway that led to the hotel. After my protests had fallen on deaf ears, it was decided that we would go to our rooms and freshen up.

A shower had sounded like heaven, but leaving the hospital, even if it was just across the street, made me nervous. I wanted to be as close as possible in case something happened. It was probably an irrational fear. However, with Edward’s condition being as bad as it was, it didn’t hurt to be cautious.

Carlisle handed me a key card when we reached our floor, and I looked for room number 209. When I spotted the door, I noticed the room was across from Carlisle and Esme’s. I slid the card into the lock, and it opened with a beep. Once I entered, I set my things on the full sized bed and looked for the bathroom. I turned and saw it was on the other side of the small space. I took out clothes, underwear, and toiletries and went to the bathroom.

In the shower, I let the hot spray run down my body, willing the water to relax me. My mind drifted as I washed my hair, trying to decide what to do for the day. I couldn’t see Edward until it was night anyway, so I had nothing to do until then. If I wasn’t so afraid to be away from him, I would have probably taken a nap. That idea, though, was out. What I did know was that whatever I did would not involve interacting with anyone. Jasper, and his revelation, had killed my desire to be around anyone I knew.

When I was finished, I dried off and dressed, and then I dried, brushed, and threw my hair up in a ponytail. Foregoing the makeup, because there was no one I wanted to impress, I cleaned the bathroom up and went into the main room. My stomach grumbled, and the decision was made…first thing I was going to do was get something to eat.

The cafeteria was virtually empty when I went inside, and the only people I saw were the ones working. I guessed that I had missed the breakfast rush, and for that, I was thankful. Making my way to the back corner, I sat down and ate my meager meal. Food wasn’t appealing in the least, but I knew I had to eat something. With Esme, my mother, Sue, and Erin being otherwise occupied, I could actually have what I wanted without getting lectured on how I needed to eat more. I knew I should, but my appetite was nonexistent. I would get hungry, but would quickly lose my appetite. The food was lousy and the stress was becoming too much. It was beginning to affect my eating, as well as my sleep. Sure, I was aware this wasn’t healthy, but I didn’t have much choice. I wasn’t going to leave, so it was best that fact was kept to myself.

~.~.~.~

The day was spent exploring the hospital, looking at various things that caught my interest. I found out that there were many different ICU departments throughout the building—one for infants, heart patients, and even a general ICU. Really, I had no idea why that interested me so much, but it did.

Visiting the maternity ward was painful, and I wasn’t even sure why I did it. Maybe it was a way to remind myself of what I would never have. Maybe I did it to pretend that I lived in an alternate universe, and one of those tiny people was mine and Edward’s. Maybe I just wanted to torture myself.

Whatever the reason was, I stood outside the glass and watched as the nurses took care of other people’s children. It made me sad, but the sight also made me feel a sense of awe. In that place, that hospital, there was the potential for great joy and great sorrow. On one hand, you had the babies, who were born and were cause for celebration. On the other, you had situations like the one I was experiencing—people saddened over the pain of a hurt loved one. Some were even less fortunate, having to watch someone die. In all of this, the circle of life was shown at all points throughout the day, and I wondered if anyone had stopped to think about it.

I shook my head.   _Snap out of it and put away the morbid thoughts._

I met up with everyone at dinner time, choosing to sit as far away from them as I could. I was beginning to feel disconnected from these people and wasn’t in the mood to be pulled into conversation. It wasn’t even the fact they were paired off anymore, but it had more to do with the general attitude. Most times, I watched as they acted like this was any other day, listening to them talk about Edward like we weren’t in the middle of a crisis. Then when we would meet on the third floor, it was like a switch had been flipped. Their outlook changed, and it was all tears and sadness. I couldn’t know for sure what it was all about, and I was well aware that everyone handled stressful situations differently, but it was hard not to be upset with them. I wore my pain on my sleeve for the world to see. It was hard to see anyone laughing and joking in my presence.

Erin Whitlock caught up with me as I left, linking her arm through mine. _So much for avoiding people today_ , I thought as she led me away. We walked until we reached a small library, located toward the back of the hospital on the first floor. _Well, damn. If I had known that this existed, I would have spent my time in here today._ She sat down on a bench right outside the doors, and I followed.

“So, how are you doing?” Erin asked.

“Um, I’m okay.” I answered. Each time that question was asked, I wanted to stab myself in the eye. We’d been there for a few days, and I would have thought that she would know I wasn’t okay, but she asked anyway. I wondered if she was testing to see if I would tell her the truth, or just give the stock answer I’d been using all this time.

“Uh-huh,” she murmured, raising her eyebrow. Yep, that confirmed what I had thought. Erin was looking to catch me in a lie and had succeeded. Fuck it, though. Too much had happened already—I wasn’t in the mood to play the good girl and fess up.

“You know that you can come to me for anything, right? I promise I won’t judge you. You need someone that’s here just for you, or you’ll go crazy,” she advised.

“Thanks, but I’m fine right now. Really.”

That was probably the biggest lie I’d ever told, but I wasn’t ready to talk about everything I’d learned the night before. She was Esme’s best friend, which meant that she would probably tell her what Jasper had said. I couldn’t risk Esme finding out, because I knew it would upset her.

“Your mother is driving me nuts,” she admitted. This information had come out of nowhere, and I turned to look at her with a shocked expression.

“I’m sorry—I know. She’s your mother, but shit. If I have to hear how she’s already done it, seen it, or experienced it better, I’m going to scream. I have never met anyone that was so obsessed with one-upping another person in my life.”

I laughed. Her statement about Renee was true. If it was out there, my mother had already done it, and it was old news. I had no idea what drove her to experience anything and everything—maybe a need to feel important. What I did know was that I had been to more classes, seminars, and gurus than I’d care to admit since childhood. A baseball clinic was where she met Phil. I still have no idea what possessed her to join something that was meant for college players honing their skills for major league tryouts. Yet, somehow she charmed her way in, like she always did, and fell in love. Luckily, I missed that one because Renee was afraid I would hurt myself.

“She’s, uh, different. Just pretend to listen…that’s how I deal with her,” I explained.

“You poor girl,” she teased.

I laughed.

“Come on, I heard they’ve got quite a selection in here,” Erin said, motioning toward the library. I accepted her offer and went inside. I was happy to have a distraction that didn’t involve being inside my own head. 

~.~.~.~

At nine o’clock that night, I was behind the NCCU doors and in Edward’s room. Tanya had given me a report like the night before. Nothing had changed, and his ICP readings were still too high, requiring them to use the medication to bring down the swelling. It saddened me, because I was hoping that it would be different. There was nothing more I wanted in the world than for his pressure to go down so they could begin the process of waking him up. I had been denied access to those green eyes that held his very essence for too long. I missed the way he would stare at me to rile me up when he wanted my attention. I pined for his heated gaze across a room when we were in the company of others. I yearned for the love that he showed in them as we made love, telling me with one look that I was the one who had his heart and soul.

My wish had not been granted, so instead, I sat in that room and watched his still form. The only movement was the rise and fall of his chest as the ventilator breathed for him. I traced patterns and phrases on his forearm, trying to tell him subconsciously that I loved him, and I was there with him.

The twenty minutes I was allowed to be with Edward passed quickly, and before long, I walked back through the doors. Looking down the hall, I saw that most of the family was already in the waiting room. I walked toward the elevators, trying to be invisible. My desire to be away from them hadn’t gone away, so I used the fact I had to get my pillow and blanket as an excuse to avoid them.

It didn’t take long to retrieve the items, and I found myself walking back to the room where everyone was sitting. I decided to suck it up and join them, because I had successfully managed to stay away all day. All eyes were on me when I entered the room.

“Hey, where have you been?” Emmett asked with his brow furrowed. The way he was looking at me made me uncomfortable. It was like he was trying to figure out what was going on with me, and I didn’t like it.

Erin smiled at me as I walked past her, winking. I grinned back—happy that she hadn’t told anyone about our little library rendezvous earlier.

“Oh, here and there. I just walked around the hospital after dinner,” I replied vaguely.

“Did you go see Edward?” Esme asked.

“Yeah, uh, I just came back from seeing him,” I answered.

I caught Alice rolling her eyes at me, and I tried to ignore her. When I sat down, I noticed she was leaning into Jasper, almost like they were cuddling. I was still baffled by their behavior. For years, she had pushed him away because of his involvement in drugs. Her indifference had hurt him more than most people knew, and I was surprised that he was willing to let her get close to him. Sure, I understood why she had wanted nothing to do with him, but I couldn’t find a reason why she was suddenly seeking his affection out.

I turned my head, waiting for everyone to leave so I could get some sleep. It was after ten, and the late nights were starting to catch up with me.

At eleven, I said fuck it and found another corner to claim. No one was leaving, and it was starting to piss me off. I knew they were watching me as I spread out the blanket on the floor, but I couldn’t care less.

I laid down and wrapped the other side of the blanket around me, putting the pillow under my head. My eyes closed, and I dozed off to the sound of the conversations going on around me. 


	15. 4 a.m.

June 22, 2003

Carlisle, Esme, and I parted ways outside the waiting room. They went in the direction of the NCCU, and I went toward the hotel entrance inside the hospital. I decided to be alone again, thinking it would be best so I could get my head on straight. Things hadn’t quite worked out the way I had wanted them to the day before, because Erin had followed me, so I was going to try again. I’d had too many revelations lately, and being by myself seemed the best way to go.

Once inside my room, I went through my morning routine. In less than an hour, I was washed, dressed and ready to eat. Like the morning before, I sat in the cafeteria alone, lost in my own head. It was fast becoming a scary place to be, but it was better than being with people who would bring up more shit, causing me to finally lose what little grip I had left of my sanity.

Then again, the entire situation was threatening to sever my grip on reality. Every day I visited Edward was another day my heart was ripped out of my chest. It took every ounce of my strength to not fall onto the floor in a pile of sobs, letting the pain and sorrow take me and never bring me back. However, it wasn’t going to win, because my will to be there was stronger than the pain.

The past two days had taught me an important lesson—boredom was the enemy. It would let too many things creep in that drove me nuts. Like, for instance, how long was Edward going to be in his coma? I understood that it would take time, but I wanted him awake, and it was hard to keep these thoughts quiet.  Maybe Emmett was onto something with his crazy obsession with the fish tank.

The night before, as I was laying there waiting for sleep to claim me, I could hear him going on and on about it in the background. He had spent the day checking out what he had called _creditable sources,_ which had proven to be false. He wasn’t deterred, though. Emmett reasoned that there were six floors and many different departments he’d have to search through. He was an optimistic soul that chalked up his unsuccessful attempt as all the more reason to keep looking.

I envied him in his ability to find something to take his mind off of his brother, even if the distraction was stupid and childish. Unlike me, he wasn’t obsessing over every little blip on the monitor or word in Edward’s chart.

After breakfast, I went outside. Getting some sunshine seemed like a good idea, so I went over to my favorite spot in the grass. There were stone benches lined up against the outside wall. I could have sat on those, but I wanted to be alone and joining the numerous groups of people sitting on them would have defeated the purpose.

I turned sideways so I could see out into the parking lot while still being able to see the narrow enclosure. There was a couple standing in front of it, arguing. It looked pretty heated, and I watched as the woman pushed her finger into the man’s face, screaming at him. I couldn’t hear what was said, but her screeching carried to where I was sitting.

I chuckled and continued to look at them. It was highly amusing, watching that poor guy get ripped to shreds by his girlfriend or whoever. She was serious, too, because she began waving her hands in his face. In that moment, I kind of wished I hadn’t deserted everyone. I just knew that Emmett would have gotten a kick out of it and probably would have thought of a running commentary to go along with their actions.

I focused my gaze elsewhere, deciding the couple needed privacy, and I shouldn’t have stared. It was rude of me to intrude on them. Shaking my head, I decided that I’d finally lost my mind, because I usually respected people’s privacy.

It was then I noticed Carlisle and Esme sitting on one of the stone benches. They were clinging to each other tightly, and both were shaking. The sight concerned me, making me leave my spot on the grass and walk over toward them.

The moment I reached them, Esme looked up and saw me. She let go of her husband and stood up. As she released Carlisle, he raised his head, spotting me as well. Esme grabbed me and sobbed into my shoulder. Her actions scared me and made me wonder what was going on.

Carlisle got up and stood behind us, pinching the bridge of his nose while closing his eyes firmly. His hand reached out and grabbed onto my shoulder. I stood still with my arms at my sides, not sure how to react.

“Bella…” Esme cried.

“What…what’s going on?” I asked.

“I’m so sorry…we did everything we could, and it just wasn’t enough,” she said, sobbing louder.

Panic settled into my gut, and my brain slowly began deciphering her words. The hope I’d carried from the beginning burst. The unthinkable situation I’d purposely pushed to the side had arrived, and I didn’t know what to do.

“Esme…what’s going on?” I asked again.

“The doctor said there is nothing more they can do,” Esme whispered.

I turned to where Carlisle was standing, pleading silently with him to tell me it was a lie.

“The on-call doctor said that Edward has been given the maximum dose of medication for the swelling and can’t have any more until tomorrow. Bella, the pressure is pushing 50, and they’re convinced he won’t live through the night.”

A shrill cry escaped my lips, making Esme tighten her hold on me. I heard the word _No_ repeated over and over again. It took a few moments for me to realize that I was the one saying it.

I was guided to one of the benches, and a hand pushed me down, prodding me to sit. I complied because all the fight in me had disappeared. Wrapping my arms around Esme, I cried, not knowing what else to do.

Eventually, the sobs ceased and we were left sitting in silence. The people around us went on about their day, unaware that my world had been blown to bits. Esme stiffened, causing me to look up. Coming toward us were Emmett, Rosalie, Alice, and Jasper, laughing over something Emmett had said. When they reached us, their jovial mood shifted to concern.

“Why are you crying?” Emmett asked.

Esme burst into a new round of tears, and I lowered my head. There was no way I could look at their faces when they received the horrible news.

“It’s over,” Carlisle whispered. “The doctors have done everything they can, and Edward’s not going to make it.”

Esme released me and went over to comfort her daughter who had begun to bawl. I looked up and saw Rosalie hold Emmett as he broke down.  Jasper stood alone, letting silent tears leak from his eyes.

Carlisle wiped his eyes and spoke. “They’ve, uh, opened visiting hours and are letting us see him at any time today.”

“How long?” Alice asked.

“I’m not sure,” Esme answered.

A look passed between Carlisle and Esme when their eyes met.

“Please, Carlisle,” Esme begged.

He hung his head. “I don’t know if we should, Esme,” he said.

“What? What shouldn’t you do?” I questioned, not understanding what they were talking about.

“Remove the tubes attached to Edward,” Esme said while still looking at her husband. “Carlisle, I can’t watch him suffer any longer. I want him to go in peace.”

“But we don’t know if that will do anything. There’s still brain activity, and the doctors have said that the machines aren’t keeping him alive. They are helping him, so his body doesn’t have to work as hard,” Carlisle explained.

“He wouldn’t have wanted to be attached to all those tubes. I don’t want to draw it out.”

Esme gave him one last look and left, with Alice following close behind. The rest were silent, wearing looks of pain. Emmett cleared his throat and wiped his eyes.

“I’m going up,” he said and turned toward the hospital entrance. Rosalie and Jasper were seconds behind him.

“Maybe she’s right,” Carlisle said. He was sitting next to me with his head in his hands.

I knew better. Edward’s words from a conversation months prior whispered in my head.

~.~.~.~

February 17, 2003

Quiet nights with Edward were heaven.

I snuggled closer into his chest, relishing in the warmth he provided. His hand ran up and down my back while I intertwined our legs. Lying on top of my boyfriend on the couch and watching a movie was bliss.

We watched as someone died on screen—the victim of a car accident. I cringed and buried my face into Edward’s chest. It sickened me at times to see just how graphic Hollywood films had become. Edward chuckled and kissed my hair.

“Too gory?” he asked.

“Yes,” I said.

“Death isn’t supposed to be pretty, you know,” he said.

“Morbid much?” I said in a teasing voice.

Edward fell silent, causing me to look up. His eyes met mine, and then he brushed some hair out of my face. My brow wrinkled, showing my confusion. He sighed and moved into a sitting position, nudging me to move. I sat up, and Edward turned toward me.

“What?” I asked.

“Haven’t you ever thought about it…I mean what it will be like when you die?” he asked.

I reached over and grabbed the remote, turning off the movie. Things had gotten pretty heavy, and I didn’t want the T.V. to be a distraction.

“No, we’re young,” I said. “We have plenty of time before we have to start thinking about that.”

“What if we don’t? What if you woke up tomorrow…and bam! You get crushed by a car or something?” he questioned.

Edward was beginning to freak me out a bit. All this talk of death made me nervous, because I wasn’t sure where it was coming from. I tried to hold back my fear so I could find out where he was going with this line of questions.

“Um, but the odds of that happening are slim,” I answered. “Where is this coming from, anyway?”

“I don’t know—I’ve just been thinking about my mortality. That’s all,” he said.

“Meaning?”

“Look, I know the lifestyle I lead isn’t healthy,” Edward explained. “It’s very possible that I could OD and choke on my own vomit while sleeping.”

“How very Hendrix of you,” I taunted playfully. “Maybe you should stop, then.”

He laughed. “You know I’m too addicted to do that. No, I’m sure I won’t live to see thirty. Might as well live it up while I can.”

His words were scaring me, and I was beginning to panic.

“Don’t say that,” I said in a shaky voice. “I can’t even think…if something happened to you—I’d die.”

“No you wouldn’t,” he said, taking my face between his large hands. “You’d move on and find someone better for you.”

I shook my head, denying his words.

“You obviously have no idea how much I love you,” I murmured.

He kissed me on the nose and held me close.

“I love you, too,” he promised.

“I don’t want to die,” he whispered. “I want to have a life with you, but I know the odds are against me. My father gave me his addictive personality, and I know I’m not strong enough to beat it.”

“You could try,” I mumbled into the crook of his neck.

“Okay, I’m not ready then,” he pointed out. “But, so you know, unless there’s no hope, I want to live.”

I closed my eyes and held him tight.

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore. It’s making me sad,” I said.

“All right, baby. No more talking about death,” he promised.

~.~.~.~

Carlisle rose up and sighed. He started to stand, but I grabbed onto his arm, causing him to sit back down. He looked over at me curiously.

“Don’t,” I pleaded.

“Bella?” Carlisle asked.

“Don’t take him off of the machines,” I whispered—the words getting stuck in my throat from trying to hold in my sobs.

“Bella…I…Esme,” he sputtered.

“You said the machines are helping him and he has brain activity. Doesn’t that count for something?” I asked.

He sighed. “I’m not sure at this point it matters whether he’s on them or not.”

Carlisle started weeping, and his body shook with the tears. Watching him fall apart was heartbreaking, and I wasn’t sure if I should comfort him or not.

“I loved him so much, and I’m not sure if he knew,” he cried. “I just…I wanted what was best for him, thinking tough love was what he needed. Now, he’ll never know.”

He was a wreck, grieving for a son he’d pushed away in an attempt to save him. I almost felt sorry for him, because I understood how difficult Edward could be. However, I couldn’t quite make that jump because, as a parent, it was his job to show unconditional love. No matter how badly his son had screwed up, he still should have shown how much he cared.

“I didn’t even get a chance to say I loved him,” he muttered.

“Prove it,” I said.

“What?” Carlisle said, snapping his head toward me.

“Give him a chance,” I answered with a sob. “Prove you love him and don’t take him off the machines. Edward wouldn’t want to be disconnected—unless there was no hope.

“Do it for him…show him you care,” I pleaded, hoping what I had said affected him.

The silence stretched out endlessly, until I thought I would go crazy. Waiting for his verdict was agonizing.

Then, when I thought I wouldn’t be able to take it anymore, he nodded his head.

“You know him better than anyone,” he admitted. “Okay.”

That one word had somewhat restored my faith in Carlisle, making me feel like he was an ally, not the enemy, for the first time in days.

“Carlisle...” I began to say. He patted my shoulder, and stood, silently telling me no words or thanks were necessary. As I watched him walk away, I knew it was possible that my actions would push a wedge between him and his wife. I couldn’t find it in myself to care, though. Their relationship wasn’t why I was there—it was Edward. I remembered the promise I’d made to him in the NCCU, and I was going to keep it. I didn’t give a damn whose toes I stepped on. He was the only thing that mattered—I wasn’t going to stop until he took his last breath.

~.~.~.~

I spotted my parents when I entered the waiting room. They stood at the same time and marched over to me, pulling me into their embrace. Being between the two people who were supposed to love me more than anything made me lose the weak grip I had on my emotions, and I lost it. I let them support me as I was overcome with sorrow. My mother whispered into my ear and combed her fingers through my hair. My father kissed the top of my head and squeezed me tighter.

I was led over to a chair and lowered into it. I wasn’t mentally present enough to know which parent had done it to even care. The sounds of mourning surrounded me, and that time I wasn’t angry. Instead, I was defeated. _How do you fight against death?_

When I raised my head up, I caught a glimpse of Esme across the room. In that moment, I didn’t know how I felt about her. From the beginning, she’d been the only one that had stood with me in the fight for what was best for Edward. At the end of everything, though, she wasn’t any different than the rest of them and had given up so easily.

If anything, my eyes had been opened, and I’d started to realize the world wasn’t colored in black and white—right and wrong. There were many shades of gray mixed into the palate, and nothing was certain. Esme had effectively knocked herself off of the pedestal I’d created for her and had shown me that people are people, not something to be idolized. She wasn’t a saint, or a hero, but a mother who had surrendered and decided to protect her heart by doing what would be the least painful. It was a bitter pill to swallow.

Edward’s family and friends moved in and out of the room, taking full advantage of the open visitation. I sat between my parents and step-parents. They had created a cocoon of comfort around me, taking turns holding me when the tears spilled over. I wasn’t jealous of Edward’s family, because I wasn’t ready to say my goodbyes. They could do as they pleased, because the moment I was ready, I was pushing them out of the room.

~.~.~.~

Once the tears dried up, I went into a zombie-like state, unable to move from my position. There was talk around me about obtaining a priest on-site to perform last rites. I internally scoffed at that, knowing Edward had made it very clear on numerous occasions that he wasn’t interested in the faith of his parents. I kept my mouth shut, though, realizing I wasn’t going to win that battle. Edward was still on life support—to the irritation of his mother—so if Esme wanted some words chanted over her son and water sprinkled on his forehead, so be it. I had won the most important fight.

It was after two o’clock when I decided it was time. I’d put it off long enough, and in a way, the moment felt right. Sitting in my chair, I waited for Alice and Jasper to return from seeing Edward. It was Alice’s fifth turn behind the doors, and Jasper’s third. Then again, every one of his family members had been to see him multiple times. I didn’t get it—were they trying to make up for the fact that, before all this had happened, none of them had cared to see him? That thought sickened me, and it was hard not to feel angry toward them.

I stood when Alice and Jasper entered the room. Alice was wiping her eyes while Jasper had his arm around her. I ignored that, deciding that the status of their toxic relationship didn’t matter. With determined steps, I walked to the door. Alice, for whatever reason, moved slightly to block my path. I rolled my eyes and hit her shoulder with mine as I passed, causing her to jostle slightly. Nothing she could have said to me would have interested me. I was done with Alice, and once I left the hospital, I’d never speak to her again. If whatever she had to say was important, she could find me later. All of my focus was elsewhere, because it was time to say goodbye to Edward.

~.~.~.~

I noticed the changes in Edward the moment I entered his room. Even in the poor light, it was obvious.

Tanya had caught me on the way to his room and told me that the doctors had lifted the ban on talking. The news was bittersweet. I was happy I’d have a chance to speak, but the fact that we could talk solidified the idea that it was likely Edward wasn’t coming back.

Sitting in a chair next to his bed, I could see the difference in his skin tone. It was a sickly gray color, and the circles under his eyes were more prominent. They had morphed from a dark purple to almost black. In truth, he looked like a fucking corpse laying there.

I ghosted my hand across every inch of skin on his face I could reach, memorizing his features. His chest moved up and down in time with the ventilator. I couldn’t keep the tears from coming and let them streak down my cheeks. It was quite possible it was the last time I’d ever see Edward alive or breathing, and I wanted to store away the moment forever.

Closing my eyes, I tried to picture him days before—full of life. His smile, his eyes, the way he’d grin when he thought he’d gotten his way, His _I love yous_ , and the way he would hold me tight flashed through my mind. I broke down—which I had been doing so often I’d lost count—and placed my head on his forearm. I welcomed the pain and grief as I cried on his arm.

 “I don’t know how to let you go,” I admitted as I raised my head. I wiped my eyes, determined to do what I had come to do.

 “Why do you always have to be the badass?” I asked. “You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone. The people that matter don’t care if you’re tough, or whatever. We love you just the way you are.”

I held back a sob.

“I love you, Edward. I always have, even when you’d leave me all alone. I’m sorry I never told you that going to rehab would have made all the difference in the world. I will never forgive myself for acting without thinking things through that night.

“Whatever you’ve been waiting for…it’s time. The doctors have done all they can, and it’s up to you now. So, if you’re going to fight, fucking do it, Edward,” I ordered.

“I’ve done what I could, stopping your mother from getting her wish to taking you off life support. If you can believe it, your father is the one who agrees with me right now. I don’t know how long that is going to last, though.”

The tears were coming quicker, and I knew in a few minutes my ability to speak would be gone. I had to get the words out.

“But…if it’s too…hard, then I want you to go in peace,” I said. The words burned like acid as they left my mouth. Releasing him from any guilt for leaving this world was probably going to be the hardest thing I would ever do. It had to be done, though. I wanted his departure from this plane of existence, if he was truly ready to go, to be as painless as possible.

“I’m leaving my heart with you. I don’t need it anymore, because you’re the last person I’ll ever love,” I said. A sob broke past my lips, and I shook my head, pushing it back down. No, I couldn’t break down yet. I wasn’t finished.

“I’ll be okay,” I promised. “I’ll get through this, and one day I’ll see you again.”

I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath.

“We’ll be together again, I promise. When I die, I’ll search for you if I have to. I won’t rest until I’m in your arms again.”

I stood up and placed my lips on his cheek, pressing them softly to the skin. The tears broke through and dropped onto his face, running down the side.

“I love you,” I cried. “I won’t be far away, and I promise I won’t leave until you’re gone. Goodbye, Edward.”

I ran out of his room and didn’t stop until I was outside. The sun shining in the sky mocked me with its brightness. Sunny days, to me, were a cause for celebration, but there was nothing to celebrate. Rain would have been more fitting for the somber mood I was feeling.

Esme called to me, making me turn my head. She was sitting on a bench with everyone else. When I’d exited the hospital, I hadn’t noticed or even thought to look around. Needing some kind of human contact, I walked over to the group of people I called friends and family.

~.~.~.~

“What about blue? I think that red roses on the casket spray would be too feminine. Blue would be better, don’t you think, Bella?” Esme asked.

“Uh, sure,” I said.

Esme nodded her head and continued to go over different flower arrangements.

She had been going on like that for more than a half hour. Once I had joined the others, Esme began talking about funeral arrangements and what she thought the ceremony should look like. Alice, Emmett, or Carlisle would chime in with a suggestion every now and then, but she had to pry my opinion out of me. It was all bullshit—he was still breathing, but a funeral fit for a dignitary had been planned. It made me feel like they couldn’t wait to bury him already.

They didn’t have the slightest clue, nor were they concerned about what he wanted. Esme had decided that since he had been given last rites earlier, a full Catholic funeral was in order—complete with a choir and a mile long procession to the cemetery. Even the tombstone she talked about made me cringe.

None of what she, or anyone else, had planned was Edward’s style. He would have wanted a simple ceremony, if one at all. Edward didn’t want a lot of tears or a large group of mourners whom he’d probably only met once in his life. Instead, he would have wanted the people he loved to gather and lean on each other in their grief.

No, this was for them. It was their last chance to cast Edward in a light that would make them proud, without concern for who he really was. Yes, I would go to the monstrosity of a funeral, but I would honor him myself later in the way he would have wanted.

Esme prattled on and on about unimportant things— _who gave a shit if some priest was busy five days from now?_ When dawn came again, it was very likely that Edward would be gone. I was pissed, because it was like they had quickly moved past their grief and wanted to get things over with as fast as they could. It made me sick to listen to them plan his funeral when he was still fighting for his life.

I couldn’t take it anymore and stormed off.

Ignoring the calls behind me, I took off in a random direction, away from the hospital. I had to leave for a while, because otherwise I was going to end up saying or doing something I would regret. Every ill word or thought I’d had since all of the shit had started had broken through the wall I had created to keep them at bay. Planning Edward’s funeral as if he was already dead was the last straw.

A hand grabbed a hold of my shoulder, making me spin around. I’d had enough, and I was going to tell whoever had been stupid enough to bother me exactly how I felt.

Some of the fight left me when I realized it was my father who had stopped me.

“Bella, do you want to talk about it?” he asked.

I shook my head. There was no way I could at the moment.

“Come on, then. I think a walk would do you some good,” he suggested.

We stayed within a couple hundred feet of the hospital. My father, I was sure, could sense I didn’t want to go too far. I half paid attention to the hustle and bustle of the city around me, more lost in my thoughts.

“I feel kind of bad for Carlisle,” I admitted. My father looked over at me with a curious expression.

“He said that he wished he could have told Edward he loved him. Carlisle has so many regrets about how he was with his son. It makes me sad.”

“You do know that _I_ love you, right?” Charlie asked.

I smiled at him. “Yeah, I do. I know we’re not the most touchy-feely people on the planet, nor do we say it often, but I’ve always known. You show me by your actions,” I promised.

Charlie stopped walking and looked at me, making me halt. He pulled me to him and hugged me tightly. I was glad, as I returned his embrace, that my dad had followed me. His reluctance to pry had helped me work things out on my own, and his small assurance of his affection had made me feel loved. Charlie was like me— when someone earned it, he loved with his whole heart and never wavered. His was the forever and unconditional kind of love, and I was glad I had taken after him.

~.~.~.~

We stayed away from the hospital for most of the day, walking in silence. At one point, we stopped and got something to eat at a small diner—Charlie insisted. He was worried about me and wanted proof that I was eating. I rolled my eyes at him when he made that comment but complied.

It was dark when we returned. The outside gathering area was empty and eerily quiet. It was like a metaphor for how I felt on the inside. Without having to discuss it, we rode the elevators to the third floor and found everyone in the waiting room.

I was kind of tired of sitting in that room.

“Bella,” Emmett said when I sat next to him.

“Hey there, Emmett,” I whispered.

Rosalie turned her nose up from her seat on the other side of her husband. I ignored her, not thinking she was worth the trouble.

“So, did you find your tank yet?” I asked. I needed something to take my mind off the thoughts running through my head, and I knew Emmett would provide.

“No,” he said with a pout. “I’m beginning to think it’s under Fort Knox type security.”

I nodded my head.

“I wanted to find it for my brother, ya know? I think he would have liked it,” Emmett murmured.

I pressed my lips together tightly—his words were going to make me cry again.

“I’ll help you look for it tomorrow, then. We can stay here until we find it, because I have nothing else I need to do.”

A small smile stretched across his face. “Thanks, Bella.”

And...I meant those words. His little confession proved one thing to me—Emmett finally got it. The fact that the fish tank was kind of stupid and insignificant didn’t matter. He was thinking about what his brother might have wanted and not about himself.

~.~.~.~

After much arguing, everyone left the waiting room to spend the night in their respective hotel rooms. Esme and I were the ones most against leaving, but after being told by my father I would be dragged to my room, I gave up.

Before I went to bed that night, I prayed for the second time since I had arrived there. I asked for a miracle, but I also wanted Edward to be at peace. It was almost impossible to go to sleep that night, but the stress of the day pulled me under. The last thought I had, before I succumbed to the darkness, was of Edward. I had been honest with him—I would tear heaven and hell apart in my quest to find him after I left the earth, if he chose to leave. 

We would be together again…no matter what. 


	16. Why I’m Here

June 23, 2003

I rushed as fast as I could, hoping to catch Carlisle and Esme to find out what was going on. It was morning, and as far as I knew, there was no word on Edward’s condition. The night had been brutal, and I had woken up multiple times laced in a cold sweat. The hardest part was not knowing if or when he was going to go. At six a.m., I had had enough and had decided to go find his parents.

The hallway leading to the NCCU was empty, and the stillness gave me the creeps. I wanted—no, needed—to find out what was going on. A few minutes later, Edward’s parents walked out from behind the NCCU doors with their arms wrapped around each other. I placed my own around my torso and was afraid, because I couldn’t decipher anything from the way they were acting. I wanted to scream at them— _is he alive or dead? Damn it, I need to know._  When I didn’t think I could take much more, Carlisle looked up and saw me.

“Bella,” he said, as they walked over to me. Esme placed her arm on my shoulder.

“He’s still with us,” she whispered. “Thank God.”

I looked at them with a puzzled expression.

“The doctor said around midnight that they were able to give him another dose, and it helped bring his pressure down some. We don’t know what the damage will be from his ICPs reaching 50, but for right now, he’s still alive.”

I nodded as I was overcome with emotion. For whatever reason, he was still there and it looked like, to me, he was fighting back.

“I’ve already cleared it with the staff…go back and see for yourself. We’ll let everyone else know what’s going on, and we’ll see you soon,” Carlisle said.

“Thank you,” I whispered.

I walked with purpose, wanting to see Edward with my own eyes. A small nurse with short, brown hair stopped me before I could enter his room.

“I’m sorry, but I need to know who you are,” she said.

“I’m Bella, his, um, girlfriend,” I answered.

“Oh,” she said with a smile. “I hope you understand. Visiting hours aren’t until eight, and I only have permission from the doctor and his parents to let you back here. I’m Charlotte, by the way.”

“Hi,” I said. “I understand. I know you’re probably breaking all kinds of rules, but I appreciate it.”

She shook her head. “I have the doctor’s approval, so it’s okay. Just let me know if you need anything.”

Charlotte blew out a breath.

I smiled and turned back to his room. Edward was still lying in the same position as the day before, except he was tilted slightly to the left. I walked over to him and lightly ran the tips of my fingers over his face, noticing the difference in his skin tone. Gone was the sickly gray color, having been replaced with an unhealthy white. Also, the circles under his eyes had lighted up slightly. Honestly, it wasn’t that much better, but it was some sort of improvement.

He was still out, looking like he was in a peaceful sleep. I leaned down and placed my lips against his cheek, closing my eyes while feeling thankful I could still do it. Almost losing him had put things into perspective, and I was glad I could still do things like that.

“You don’t have to stay quiet anymore,” Charlotte said from behind me, causing me to startle. “Sorry. Dr. Painter feels that it’s probably okay because his pressure levels dropped slightly yesterday, even with everyone talking to him.”

“That’s good to know. Thank you for telling me,” I said.

“No problem. I’ll just be out on the floor.”

I nodded my head and looked back over at my love.

“Fuck, Edward. You scared us to death,” I said to his still form. “I hope you know that, since they said I can talk, I’m not going to shut up. Maybe I can annoy you into waking up.”

I chuckled quietly.

“Seriously, though, I miss you. You don’t know how crazy things have been. Jasper and Alice are clinging to each other like monkeys. I have no idea what’s going on with them, but it’s been strange to see.”

Some of the loneliness and separation I’d felt from humanity started to dissipate as I sat there and talked to Edward. He lay motionless and silent, but it wasn’t like I’d expected him to answer me back. It just felt really good to speak, even if my words were meaningless.

~.~.~.~

July 16, 2003

The weeks passed, and Edward continued to stay in a state of limbo. While the pressure in his brain decreased at an agonizingly slow pace, it kept on declining until the pressure stayed between 20 and 30. We had gone from crisis mode to long-term planning, because the doctors weren’t sure what would happen once he woke up. Only when he opened those beautiful, green eyes could they begin to assess the damage caused by the accident and that scary day when we thought we would lose him.

He had come so far since then—the color was back in his cheeks, the ventilator had been turned down, meaning he was breathing more on his own, and the circles under his eyes had all but disappeared. To see Edward look more human was a gift I didn’t take for granted. I knew how quickly things could change  and end it all. However, for whatever reason, he’d beaten the odds against him, and his heart was still beating.

Since things had calmed down, Carlisle had decided to go back to work. He said that he had used up enough of his vacation time, and there was no immediate reason for him to be at the hospital with Edward twenty-four seven. Instead, he thought that coming back on his days off and during the weekends would be best. Charlie and Sue had gone back home as well, but before they left, they made sure I knew that they would be back at a moment’s notice.  As I continued to sit and play the waiting game at the hospital, I realized that it had been a month since they had left.  

Jasper, his parents, Alice, and Rosalie had stuck around for an extra week, supposedly for moral support. During that time, my mother had somehow driven Erin to the edge of insanity, and a catfight almost broke out. We had been outside, getting some fresh air, when my mother had decided to comment on Erin’s wardrobe.

“You know, you’re really brave to wear orange. Not many people can pull off that color, and I think you’re really making a statement for all women out there. Good for you. Screw the rules about colors and skin tone,” Renee said.

“Seriously? You walk around in a sarong and floppy hat most of the time, and you’re criticizing what I wear?” Erin said as she lunged at my mother.

It had taken both Jasper and Carlisle to hold onto Erin and drag her away. My mother, being the classy lady she was, made comments about how white trash shouldn’t be allowed out in public. I had to roll my eyes at that comment, because before she’d met her rich ballplayer husband, she was the epitome of white trash.

Everyone thought that, after that last incident, it would be best if Julian and Erin went home. Phil had taken time away from the team so Renee could be with me, and she wasn’t showing any signs of wanting to leave, even a month later. Rosalie had left around the same time, but Emmett stayed. I knew they had fought about that, but I didn’t give a damn. Rosalie could go fall in the ocean for all I cared, and I was glad that her and her cold stares were gone.

Alice and Jasper had been the last ones to go, leaving at the same time. Their strange behavior continued to puzzle me, but again, I was too preoccupied to give it much thought. I had other things on my mind, such as keeping a promise I’d made to Emmett.

Yes, I followed through with my vow to help him find that goddamn fish tank. We scoured that hospital, looking every place we could think of, and after two months, we’d still not found the damn thing. His theory about Fort Knox security was beginning to sound plausible. Hell, he and I had even considered breaking into some of the restricted areas in the middle of the night, because honestly, we were running out of places to search.

However, our time spent at the hospital wasn’t all conspiracy theories involving fish tanks and talk of breaking and entering. Edward was still central to everything and wasn’t far from my thoughts. Given that only a few people were left, visiting with Edward wasn’t as complicated. Every night before bed, the Esme, Emmett, Renee, Phil, and I of us would decide when we’d like to go, and we discussed it until we reached a consensus. The way everything that had been going on previously, I knew that a calm agreement wouldn’t have been possible with Alice acting like a bitch, or Carlisle’s need to control everything. Our moods seemed to be in tandem with his condition, improving all the time.

Esme still let me know what was going on with Edward’s care, but things had changed between us. Instead of the easy-going relationship we’d had before, there was a slight strain to it. A small sense of betrayal tainted my feelings for her. I tried to get past it but just couldn’t. We’d found out a few days after that fateful day that, while it had been thought that the machines weren’t necessary for his survival at that time, taking him off of them would have most likely killed him. The doctors had reassessed his condition and concluded that the extra strain of breathing on his own would not have been a good thing. So, it had been decided to keep him on the ventilator until the ICPs were back in the normal range. The fact that Esme’s insistence that he be taken off could have ended his life was not okay with me. I was beginning to think that his family didn’t always have Edward’s best interest in mind when it came to a decision about his condition.

I still loved her and felt like she was a mother to me—that’s what made things hard. Hating her would have been easy, and I probably had every reason to. However, I couldn’t forget about how she’d all but championed my cause to stay by Edward’s side. Needless to say, I was hurt and confused. The worst part was that, since that day, we hadn’t discussed it. Esme acted as if it had never happened and was content to move forward. I, on the other hand, thought about it all the time. I didn’t know if we’d ever be able to get back what we’d lost.

~.~.~.~

I’d promised Emmett, in between visits to Edward, we would check out the last few places before we’d have to sneak into the restricted areas. So, after my visit with Edward at ten a.m., we went to the radiology department. Emmett had consulted his _sources_ once again, making me roll my eyes when he told me. They were rumored to have a large fish tank and a small camera on the wall across from it. I was beginning to think that he’d paid a janitor for the information, and the guy was leading him on a wild goose chase for his own amusement, because he thought Emmett was bat shit crazy.

“Dun-dun-dun dun dun-duh-duh,” Emmett hummed, as we walked down the hall.

“What the hell, Emmett?” I whispered. The tune sounded familiar, but I couldn’t place it—it almost sounded off.

“Bella, Bella, Bella,” he chastised. “Have you never seen Mission Impossible?”

“Seriously?” I asked. “That does not sound like the Mission Impossible theme.”

He shook his head and chuckled. “Yes it is, silly Bella.”

“Well, if it is, you’ve butchered it completely,” I muttered.

As Emmett began to form a retort, a large sign pointed to our destination. Emmett started walking faster, and I almost had to run to keep up. All of my life, I’d hung around tall people, and being short, I knew how bad it sucked when someone who wasn’t height-challenged took bigger steps than me. I slowed down and thought, _fuck it. I’ll catch up_.

“It’s like you people don’t want me to find it. Fuck.” I heard Emmett say as I rounded the corner. Emmett was crouched down in front of a large fish tank, inspecting it.

“What’s wrong with this one?” I asked. I had learned from our first search that he had certain criteria a tank had to pass before it would be deemed _the one_.

“Look, that fish right there,” he said, pointing to it as it swam by. “It’s supposed to have six stripes on its side. I only see five.”

I closed my eyes tightly, chanting the same sentence in my head over and over.

 _I will not scream. I will not scream. I will not scream_ …

“Emmett,” I said, trying to hold my composure. “What if we can’t find it?”

“Come on, Bella, don’t be like that. It has to be somewhere.”

“So, when are you going back to work?” I asked, deciding to change the subject.

“Oh, I’m not. At least, not for a while,” Emmett confessed. “I appointed an acting CEO for the time being. I figured it was more important to be here for my brother, even if I can’t do much at the moment.”

His words brought tears to my eyes and humbled me.

“Edward would be happy you’re here. Well, after he decided to quit being an ass about it.” I chuckled.

“Yeah, that’s my brother,” he said with a smile.

We decided we had wasted enough time in the radiology department and thought the library would be a better place to hang out since Emmett couldn’t visit Edward until after one.

“I’m surprised that Rosalie isn’t here with you,” I said offhandedly.

Emmett’s expression darkened and the playful mood had vanished.

“Well, attending charity balls and dinners is more worthy of Rose’s time than being there for family,” he sneered.

I was shocked by his attitude toward his wife. Whatever had happened between them, it was obvious that the old Emmett, the one who would do anything Rosalie asked, was gone. In his place was a man that seemed quite bitter.

“Damn,” I muttered.

“Yeah, damn is right. I always thought there was a compassionate person under all of that barbed wire she puts up, but I’m beginning to see that she’s nothing more than a shallow bitch. I don’t think I can live the rest of my life with someone like that,” he confessed.

I turned to him, wondering what he’d meant by that last statement.

“I’m leaving her, Bella. Once I know what’s going to happen to my brother, I’m getting as far away from her as I can,” he said.

I stared blankly, trying to process what he had said. It didn’t compute, because, when he’d been pushed by Rosalie to move to Seattle and take over the company, he had pretty much chosen her over Edward. Edward had been upset, because he had known that she would end up hurting Emmett in the end.

“What…why?” I asked. I was too dumbfounded to form an intelligent sentence.

“Do you know what she said to me before she left?” he asked, anger seeping into his words. “Edward’s doing better now, so it’s time to go. You already made your choice, so it’s time to start putting me first.”

“That bitch!” I exclaimed.

“Exactly. As soon as I can, I’m serving her ass divorce papers.”

“I can’t believe that she would say something like that,” I mumbled.  

“I will always regret not listening to Edward and dumping her when I had the chance.”

Emmett was silent after he’d made that last statement. It had been clear from the beginning, for the rest of us, that Rosalie Hale was nothing but trouble. Watching Emmett, I could see how much it was tearing him up to not only deal with his brother’s pain, but his wife’s selfishness, as well. I wanted to find her and ask her why. Was it worth it to be so demanding when, in the end, she lost her husband anyway?

We’d reached the library, and I started to walk through the doors, but Emmett stopped me. He guided me over to the bench beside it. I rolled my eyes, remembering the last time I’d had a conversation on a bench outside the library—Erin had talked to me about how I was doing. It was fast becoming the place that people went to when they wanted to tell me things I may not like.

“So, what’s going on with you and Mom?” he asked.

“What do you mean?” I had no idea what he was referring to. As far as I knew, there was nothing to tell. We’d pretty much acted like we always had with each other.

“Something’s off, and I think I know what, but it needs to be fixed,” he said. “Bella, you have to know by now that we think of you as a part of this family.”

“Alice doesn’t,” I pointed out.

“Alice has her own issues, which I’m not getting into right now. She and I have already had words about her behavior,” Emmett revealed.

My mouth hung open; I was shocked that Emmett had defended me.

“You act surprised,” he stated. “Like I said, you’re family. I’m not going to allow anyone, even someone who’s a part of this family, to attack you.”

I nodded my head and lowered it, not knowing what to make of his comments.

“Can’t you give me something? I just don’t understand what her problem is,” I admitted.

He sighed. “She thinks that the world revolves around her,” he said. When I gave him a confused look, he continued.

“Alice, well…one of the reasons she’s pissed is because she hasn’t been a part of every decision at the hospital that has been made.”

“Why would she think she would be?” I asked, confused even more.

“That’s just how she is. Alice wants to be front and center of everything so she can be the one that reports what’s going on. The fact that Mom and Dad have pretty much relied on your opinion from the beginning has grated on her nerves.”

“But…no they don’t,” I argued.

“Yes they do,” Emmett retorted. “It’s okay, really. You’ve become the glue that’s held us together through all of this. We are amazed that you haven’t abandoned Edward yet.”

“I did, if you remember,” I murmured.

“Bullshit. You guys broke up for, what…two seconds? Bella, as far as I’m concerned, it doesn’t count. If Edward remembers anything, you better believe I’ll be in your corner,” he said with emotion.

His concern and kind words made me teary-eyed. I still wasn’t convinced that I was so important, but it was nice to know that he thought I belonged there.

“Thanks, Emmett,” I said.

“No problem, kid. Just do me a favor,” he pleaded.

“What?” I asked.

“Please talk to Mom. Whatever happened, it doesn’t matter. The two of you need to work on getting past it.”

I nodded my head, and we left it at that.

After we entered the library, we split up. I looked through the books and let my mind drift, dissecting my conversation with Emmett. I understood his concern about his mother, however, I didn’t know if I could grant his request. Everything was still fresh, and I wasn’t sure I could be rational about the situation, or if I was even ready to discuss it.

Alice, on the other hand, was something that I was going to have to deal with. The more I found out about why she was acting the way she was, the more upset I was at her. In the beginning, she had supported my decision to leave Edward, but it was like she was mad that I had changed my mind. Honestly, I hadn’t wanted to end things in the first place. In that moment, I felt like I had been backed into a corner with no other choice. After everything that had happened and I’d changed my mind, I would have at least thought she would have respected my decision.

I shouldn’t have been surprised, though. Alice had never supported my relationship with her brother. I was starting to think that maybe her concern had been false, and I was starting to question if she had ever wanted Edward and me together in the first place. Whatever was going on with her, though, I was going to find out.

~.~.~.~

July 30, 2003

Exactly two weeks after the trip Emmett and I made to the library, the family was again gathered at the hospital—minus Rosalie. The circumstances, though, were much different than the last time. Carlisle had come for a mid-week visit, and Edward’s pressure had finally stabilized. I had never been happier to see a steady number in my life. Watching the monitor register eighteen and stay there had been a great joy. Sitting in the goddamn waiting room, Carlisle was explaining to everyone else what the doctors had said.

The time had come to wean Edward off of the medication that was keeping him in a coma.

Edward was going to wake up.

It was hard to stay seated, listening to Carlisle drone on about which medicines they would gradually stop first, and in what order. I was practically bouncing in my seat, because unlike the others that had just come that day, I knew the process was going on at that very moment. Alice, my father, Sue, Phil, and my mother had looked at me with worried expressions.

_Who gives a shit if I look like a meth head with my twitching? Edward is finally allowed to wake up, bitches. Nothing is going to ruin my mood._

I rolled my eyes as I listened to the standard talk about assigned times for visits so everyone could see him. Yeah, I got the last visit again, but it didn’t matter. I was going to see those gorgeous, green eyes soon enough. Even Alice’s bitchy looks couldn’t bring my mood down.

We broke off, and while a few went in the direction of the ICU, others paired off and explored the hospital. Emmett left with me, much to the shock of Alice, and I’m sure she thought something was going on. _Of course the bitch would_. I ignored her, though, and we went to the cafeteria for some food. Emmett had taken it upon himself to be my official calorie counter, usually adding an item or two to my tray after we sat down to eat. It irritated me slightly that my salads and grilled cheese sandwiches weren’t enough for him, but I humored him. He was better than the alternative choice, Esme. She would have ignored any food I would have gotten for myself and just loaded her own tray to share with me.

I pretended Emmett wasn’t there when I ate. It was the only way I could have my meal without feeling self-conscious about his staring. I got it—they were worried that I wasn’t eating enough, and truth be told, they were probably right. I had started to notice that my clothes were a lot looser than when I first arrived. However, the combination of the stress of Edward’s condition and the tension surrounding the family had made it hard to concentrate on food. To me, making sure Edward got well seemed more important than finding nourishment. Since things were starting to get better, though, it was becoming apparent I wasn’t going to get away with it anymore.

“What do you think is going to happen when he wakes up? The things the doctors told us the other day made me realize just how bad things could be,” Emmett stated.

When news first came that Edward was ready to come out of the coma, his doctors wanted to make sure we knew what to expect. Because of the parts of his brain that had been injured and removed, there were lots of different circumstances we were looking at. They had stated that Edward could wake up and never be able to walk, talk, or be mentally competent again. That was the worst case scenario, and the doctors suggested that it would mean he would have to live in an assisted living facility for the rest of his life. The doctors stressed that this type of around the clock, long-term care would weigh heavily on the family members taking care of him. Esme had brushed him off and told him that her son was not going to be put in a nursing home at such a young age. She’d said that between herself, me, and his father, he would be better cared for. It was the only time, since we’d arrived, that the three of us had agreed on anything.

The next situation we were looking at was that he might lose the ability to walk, but with proper rehabilitation, there was a strong possibility he could regain it. Also, any gaps in his mental understanding could be filled with the help of an occupational therapist. They thought that there was a good possibility the core of his brain, like its ability to manage the different functions of the body, was still intact. Every other skill he had acquired over the years could be relearned. While he would still think like an older person, relearning all of it would be like a baby gaining the knowledge as they grew. Only, it would be at a faster pace as his brain rewired and made new connections.

The third scenario that was thought to be likely was that he would have physical problems, like being wheelchair bound, but he would have most of his mental capabilities. I knew it would be the hardest one for Edward to deal with, if it came to pass. He had never liked to depend on anyone, and if he was present in mind to realize it, that would drive him crazy.

Besides those situations which they had explained in depth, the doctors had also briefly mentioned a few other possibilities. One of them was that he may never regain his full mental awareness. When it was explained to me, I took it to mean that the Edward I met and fell in love with may not exist anymore. Instead, I was going to have to learn who he was all over again. It was a scary thought, but one I had been preparing myself for. No matter who met me when Edward woke up, I would be there.

Another was the fact that he could possibly be more aggressive or completely docile. Both situations would most likely be products of when his head hit the car and pavement, and would be something we would have to deal with. I didn’t know if I could deal with a more aggressive Edward, but we had been assured that medication could be used to help with that.

The most frightening thing the doctors warned us about was the possibility of seizures. There were many cases where trauma to the brain would cause them. Carlisle assured me that it was another thing that medication could help with, and he didn’t seem concerned about it at the time. He had reasoned that it was something we’d deal with if it became a reality. I agreed and tried to keep it from taking over my thoughts.

“Bella?” Emmett asked.

 _Shit. I let myself get lost in my head again_. I turned to Emmett, giving him my full attention.

“I know,” I answered. “I’m not sure, though. I’m afraid to make any guesses. Regardless of what happens, I’m not leaving him.”

“Yeah, I figured that,” Emmett said with a chuckle. “Edward is lucky. I am in awe of how committed you are to him.”

I blushed and waved him off. “I love him, Emmett. What else am I supposed to do? He’s alive—that’s all that matters. I can live with whatever else is thrown my way.”

“Like I said, kiddo, I’m in awe,” Emmett said.

“Whatever,” I said with an eye roll. “Can I be done now, Dad?”

He laughed. “I don’t know. You left a few bites of lettuce. Are you sure you can’t fit those in your little tummy?”

“Fuck off, ass.” I giggled. “Let’s get out of here.”

~.~.~.~

August 2, 2003

Three days.

That’s how long we waited for Edward to open his eyes.

On the first day, it became pretty clear that the schedule for visits Carlisle had set up wasn’t going to work. Esme had taken to cutting in to all of the visits early on, using up half of each one by staying for ten minutes at a time. The funny thing was, she dragged me along with her. At first, Alice and Carlisle were upset by her disregarding of the set up. However, once she informed them that she and I weren’t going to miss him waking up, and reminded everyone that it was her son in there, they let it go. With her new insistence that I accompany her on every visit, I knew we needed to talk soon about what had happened. Esme’s lack of acknowledgement of what had happened when Edward almost died was making my head spin.

The second day, I pretty much stayed with Esme. It was easier than being tracked down every time visiting hours were open. It was kind of nice. While we didn’t address the problem hanging over us, we did talk a lot. Most of the conversations we had were in between the early morning visits and the afternoon ones that had a three hour gap from one to the next.

The third day was met with anxiety. The feeling of restlessness and worry surrounded everyone. I think that we’d all expected him to wake up immediately once the meds were out of his system. The medication he’d been on was out of his system on the first day. It was day three, and we were still waiting. Everyone had pretty much ignored the warning that there was a chance that Edward would never wake up. I knew I had put that into the back of my head, because after everything that had happened thus far, it was something I couldn’t comprehend. He had to wake up. There was no other alternative in my mind.

I think, maybe, movies and stories about people in comas had given us unrealistic expectations. We were waiting for the hand squeeze, and then the dramatic opening of the eyes where the character showed some kind of recognition of who you were. Then, afterwards, came the flurry of activity of hospital staff—Yeah, that never happened.

Afternoon came, and Carlisle was the first to go back. Everyone else was well aware that Esme and I would be going next, so they hadn’t even bothered to come back upstairs. A couple of minutes after he’d left, he returned to the waiting room, insisting that we come with him.

“Carlisle, what is it?” Esme demanded as he dragged her to the double doors of the NCCU.

“Just come on,” he said.

I lagged behind, trying to honor the two person limit of the intensive care unit, and watched them walk behind the doors. Leaning on the wall next to the doors, I waited for them to come back out. Carlisle came out moments later, gesturing for me to go back.

“Esme wants you,” he said with a smile on his face. He walked back toward the waiting room, and I entered the NCCU. My steps were hurried as I made my way to Edward’s room, stopping just outside his door.

“Come here and look,” Esme said in a whisper. The smile on her face was blinding, and I dared to hope what that meant.

I walked slowly to the bed and was met with the most wonderful sight. His eyes, the ones that had been cut off from me for far too long, were open just a crack. I saw the whites of his eyes, and let out a sob of joy. 


	17. Times Like These

August 7, 2003

The next few days were a waiting game, watching Edward slowly regain consciousness.

Early on, when his eyes opened fully for the first time, he stared blankly at the ceiling. I panicked until I was told that, while the medications to put him into his coma were all but out of his system, the doctors were still keeping him heavily drugged. They explained that he would experience lots of pain in his head otherwise, and that calmed me.

That wasn’t the hardest part, though. Edward’s eyes continually leaked tears the first couple of days after he had come back. It looked like he was crying. Carlisle said that his eyes were just trying to lubricate themselves after being closed for so long. It still didn’t make it easier, and I wanted to cry along with him.

The doctors had kept the breathing and feeding tubes in place. They weren’t quite ready to remove them, because they explained that he still needed them. I didn’t understand half of the conversation, but Carlisle did. Since he had stood up for Edward, I had begun to trust him more. If he was fine with what was being said, then so was I. 

As time went on, Edward became livelier. A moan or grunt would escape from around the tube. It made me nervous, and I wasn’t sure what to think. However, once I’d learned that it was normal behavior, I wasn’t as worried. Apparently, between the surgery and the accident itself, there had been a significant amount of damage. His brain was basically trying to create new pathways to make up for the ones lost or destroyed. It seemed it would take him a while to heal—it would take longer for Edward to reach whatever his full mental capacity would be for the rest of his life.

The only things I could do on my visits were stand by him, caress his arm or face, and talk to him, letting him know I was near. I still didn’t know if he could understand me, but I hoped that hearing my voice would be a comfort to him.

Edward, in that time period, had been downgraded from critical to stable, thus leaving one nurse to look over him. His nurse had two or three patients to care for along with him. It was very encouraging, because it meant that he was getting better.

A week after he had begun his journey back to us, they moved him to a different part of the NCCU. The area was a lock-down unit in the back of the ward and had four patients to the room. Three nurses assigned to the area stayed with them at all times. We were still only allowed two people at a time to see him, but in the room itself, each patient could have visitors during the allotted visiting time.

~.~.~.~

August 14, 2003

One Tuesday afternoon, not long after Edward had been moved, Carlisle had come down for a visit. He and Emmett went back while Esme and I sat in the waiting room having a conversation about Edward. He had become more alert in the past couple of days, and he was staying awake for longer periods of time. The doctors encouraged us to start talking to him about things he would know to see what he remembered.

Esme and I were in agreement—we were anxious and excited to see what he knew. A part of me was scared he wouldn’t know who I was, though. The few days prior, it was like he was in a fog and hadn’t acknowledged anyone. Slowly, we began to see hints that he was aware of what was going on around him. I was terrified that the four years we had spent together weren’t enough to cement my place in his mind. His family, I had argued to myself, was a given. He had known them his whole life, and they were in no danger of being forgotten. I wasn’t so sure about myself, and I didn’t know how I would react if he had no idea who I was.

I shook my head and tried to rid that thought from my mind. It was no use getting myself worked up over a possibility. I would find out soon enough and would do what I had been doing all along…getting through it the best I could. At least, that was what I told myself.

“I wonder how the boys’ visit is going,” Esme mused.

“I have no idea,” I said. “I hope everything is going well, though.”

“Carlisle has been so excited since Edward has woken up,” she admitted.

“Oh,” I said. I didn’t know how to react to her words. Carlisle had always seemed so stoic, and it was hard to imagine that particular emotion coming from him for any reason. _He’s happy his son is awake. This is his second chance_ , I thought to myself.  It did make sense, after I pondered the statement. Carlisle had been a broken man when he thought he was losing his son, and I could understand how a change in his demeanor might happen.

I looked over at Esme and was about to speak when I heard loud footsteps coming down the hallway. I shifted my gaze and watched Emmett walk into the room with Carlisle trailing right behind him. Emmett had a heart-broken look on his face, causing Esme to jump up. She wrapped her arms around him, squeezing him and whispering words of comfort.

I sat in shock, wondering what could have happened. During my visit that morning, everything had seemed fine. Oh God, I didn’t know how much more of the rollercoaster of horrible emotions I could take before I lost it altogether.

“What is it, sweetie? Why are you upset?” Esme asked.

“He doesn’t know me!” Emmett cried. “I asked him if he knew who I was, and he just looked at me with a blank expression. My own fucking brother has no idea who I am!”

Esme and I turned to look at each other and then ran out of the room. All that I could think as my feet carried me closer to the man I loved was— _this cannot be happening_. After everything we’d gone though thus far—everything we’d gained and lost—to have him not remember Emmett was torture. If he didn’t know his own brother, then—I was royally fucked.

We slowed our pace to a speed walk when we crossed the threshold of the NCCU doors, making our way to the lock-down unit. Edward was lying in his bed, staring at the door when Esme and I strode through it. He blinked and followed our movements with his eyes as we moved toward him.

“Edward, honey, do you know who I am?” Esme asked. The panic in her voice was hard to miss.

He wrinkled his brow and gave her an incredulous look. She stood completely still for a few seconds and then leaned in closer.

“I’m you mother, Edward. Do you remember?” she asked again.

He continued to stare at her with the same look.

“Are you sure you don’t know Emmett?” she questioned further. “He’s your brother, and he’s so happy you’re awake. All of us are…me, your mother; your father, Emmett, who is your brother; and Bella. Surely you remember Bella, sweetie.”

As she pelted him with questions, his face became more drawn and the agitation was easy to see. I wanted to grab Esme by the shoulders and shake her. She was freaking out right in front of Edward, and I could see that it was only upsetting him. Since I didn’t think physically trying to knock some sense into her would make things better, I took the next best option. I stepped in.

“It’s okay, Edward. It doesn’t matter if you know anyone. We’re all just glad those beautiful green eyes are open,” I said with a smile.

He turned his head slightly and looked up at me. Edward’s whole body relaxed as he his gaze traveled across my face. I chanced a peek at Esme out of the corner of my eye and saw her watching our interaction intently. Taking a deep breath, I turned my attention to Edward again.

His hand moved on the blanket covering him, and he had a frustrated look on his face.

“What is it?” I asked, leaning down. “I’m sorry. I don’t understand what you want, but I’m trying, baby.”

Edward moved his hand again and grunted. I reached down and took a hold of it, hoping to help him with the task he was trying to accomplish. As my palm met his, though, his grip tightened, making me wrap my fingers around his. He relaxed and stared at me while I wanted to cry. I was holding his hand, and while it might not have meant much to most people, it was one of the best moments of my life.

I struggled to hold back the tears that wanted to run down my face. Instead, I smiled at the man I loved and who meant more to me than anything else in the world. He stared back and seemed content.

In almost no time, it seemed, it was time to go. It hurt knowing that I had to go and leave him behind in that room. I released my hold on him, and my heart cracked a little as I did it. _God, I don’t want to go_. Even if he had no idea who I was, I really didn’t care. Just being that close to him when he was awake and having some kind of contact was enough. We could relearn everything about each other when the time was right. I had no intention of going anywhere, so we had plenty of time.

“Goodbye, son. I’ll see you soon,” Esme said.

He looked over at her like he understood her words and blinked. She smiled at him and looked at me.

“I’ll see you soon,” I said, running my fingers over his hand. Edward stared at me, curling his lips around the tube in his mouth. I furrowed my eyebrows, not understanding what he was doing. Was something wrong? _Oh, please don’t let something be wrong_.

“What, Edward?” I asked, trying to keep my fear deep inside me so it wouldn’t show. Letting it out was the last thing I wanted to do, especially since I‘d seen what had happened when Esme had done the same.

He continued to curl his lips around the plastic in his mouth. As I watched, it almost looked like he was trying to pucker them around the tube. My eyes moved to his, and I saw a plea in them. Everything clicked in that moment—he wanted me to kiss him.

I could feel the grin splitting my lips as I quickly tried to figure out how I was going to accomplish what he wanted. Looking at the tube, I realized there was no way I was going to be able to kiss him on the mouth. However, I was going to do it somehow. Whatever he wanted from that moment on, within reason, I was going to give him. I decided on my course of action and leaned in.

“Edward, baby, I’m so sorry. You have a tube in your mouth, and it’ll make it impossible to kiss you that way. I’m going to kiss you on your forehead, though, until they take it out. And then, I promise, I’ll kiss you any time you want,” I replied to the request still in his eyes.

I grabbed a hold of the bed rail, leaning over as far as I could. Placing my lips gently on his forehead, I kissed him. My eyes closed tightly as the emotion of what was happening hit me. He knew who I was—he had to. Why else would he want that from me?

I rose back up and saw Edward laying there. He looked peaceful, and that warmed my heart. To give him some kind of comfort, and know that it had been received, was the best feeling in the world.

“I have to go now,” I told him. “It’s time for me to leave, but I won’t be far. I’ll see you soon.”

 Edward stared at me.

“I love you so much,” I said.

I placed my palm up to my lips, and then blew him a kiss. He lay there, still staring, and then I forced myself to walk out of the room. Esme followed close behind me, and I noticed, for the first time since I’d figured out what Edward had wanted, that she hadn’t left during our exchange. She had tears in her eyes, and she gave me a watery smile when I looked at her.

We found out the next day, when we talked to the doctor, the fact that Edward didn’t remember Emmett was probably because, in the months leading up to the accident, Emmett wasn’t around much. It seemed that he knew who his parents and I were, but beyond that, he had trouble. We still didn’t know if he would know Alice or not. She wasn’t coming up until Friday, and since it was Wednesday, all we could do was wait.

I felt so bad for Emmett. He had been one of my biggest supporters in Edward’s family during everything that had happened, and it was heartbreaking to see the pain Emmett had knowing he had been one of the causalities of Edward’s injury. I wished that it had been Alice that he had forgotten, because in a sick way, I felt like it was what she deserved.

~.~.~.~

I sat next to Emmett on the grass, letting the breeze wash across my face. He hadn’t said much since the day before, and it made me wonder what was going on in his head. It was still hard to look at him and not feel sorry for him. He reflected my worst fears right back at me.

At the same time, I felt guilty, because I was happy for the first time since I had arrived at the hospital. There was a reason for me to keep going—Edward had remembered me, meaning I hadn’t been erased from his memory. I had been saved from a fate worse than hell in my opinion.

Emmett sighed, pulling me out of my thoughts.

“Everything okay, Emmett?” I asked.

He rubbed his face and turned toward me.

“Yes…no…I don’t know,” he said, stumbling over his words. “I just don’t know how to feel. I get that he might not remember me because I wasn’t there, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.”

I placed my hand on his shoulder as a comforting gesture. He patted my hand and sighed again.

“You know,” I said, voicing an idea that had just come to me. “Maybe this is like a second chance for you.”

Emmett turned to me, giving me his full attention. His eyes were guarded, and he stayed silent.

“I mean, think about it,” I continued. “He doesn’t remember any of the bad things that happened between the two of you. There is nothing for you to feel guilty about, because for Edward, it doesn’t exist. You get to do something that most of us won’t have the chance to—wipe the slate clean.”

I watched as he stayed silent, pondering my words, I assumed. I really wanted what I had said to soothe him, even if it was just a little bit. He had become my brother in the short time we had been there, and since I would do anything for my family, I wanted it to work. Waiting for what felt like forever, I began to second guess my words. Maybe I had overstepped some line and offended him. That thought upset me greatly, because I had grown very fond of Emmett.

He blew out a breath. “I never thought of it that way,” he muttered. “Maybe you’re right. I do get a chance to start over and be the brother that Edward deserves.”

He leaned over and hugged me. I returned the embrace, relishing the moment. As an only child growing up, I had never had the love you could only experience from a sibling. Since Emmett and I had bonded in a way, I had found out that particular type of love was amazing.

“Thanks, Bella,” he whispered as he released me.

“You’re welcome, Emmett,” I said, standing up. He followed me, and we started back toward the hospital entrance.

“I swear if my brother does anything to fuck things up with you, I don’t care what condition he is in, I’m kicking his ass,” Emmett said with a teasing grin.

I shoved him playfully. “Stop it. You won’t do anything. You love Edward.”

He chuckled. “That I do. Seriously, though, I’ll be damned if I stand by and let things get that bad this time around. I’m here for you, Bella.”

I knew he meant it, too.

“I’m glad that he remembers you, though,” Emmett admitted as we walked into the hospital. “He’s going to need you, you know.”

I nodded my head. “Yeah, I know,” I said. “I’m scared, though.”

Emmett stopped and pulled me over to a set of chairs off to the side of the lobby hallway. He motioned for me to sit, and I complied. Joining me, he angled his body my way to give me his full attention.

“I’m waiting,” Emmett said. I had sat there in silence for a long time and guessed he’d reached his breaking point. I looked down at my lap, trying to get the words out.

“It’s just…I don’t know. I love him so much, Emmett. I’m worried, though, that it’s not going to be enough. That I’m not strong enough to do this,” I admitted. He opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off.

“I’m not going anywhere, if that’s what you were going to say. I just have no idea what I’m doing.”

“Bella, I’ve never met anyone as strong as you are. Did you know that Dad told me what you said to him?” he asked.

I hadn’t known… but it didn’t take a genius to figure out what he was referring to. I knew right away that he was hinting toward the conversation the day I convinced Carlisle to not turn off the machines. I shook my head.

“A weak person would not have been able to stand up to someone who could decide the fate of the person they love. You did just that, and it proves that you’re supposed to be here. Edward needs you and is going to need you. Besides, you know how he is. He’s not going to let just anyone take care of him,” Emmett said.

I chuckled because Emmett was right. Edward was very particular about certain things, and I had a feeling he wasn’t going to let just anyone be involved in his care.

“Just think about it, okay? I’ll leave you to it,” he muttered.

And with that, Emmett left me sitting in the main lobby. I rolled his comments over and over again in my head. What he had said made sense, but at the same time, I wasn’t convinced.

In the beginning of my relationship with Edward, I had been the shy and naïve girl. I wanted him to like me, so I didn’t do anything to rock the boat. As time went on, I kept quiet about the things that bothered me, out of fear that I would ruin everything. Sitting there, two floors below where Edward lay, I tried to decide who I was in that moment.

I had made promises, to both Edward and myself, as the situation had progressed. There was nothing I wanted more than to see him finally leave the drugs and alcohol behind. Without knowing what the accident and his subsequent injuries meant for his addictions, I had to decide what to do. Only time would tell whether what he had gone through had any effect on his drug problem. However, going by the past, his chances at sobriety weren’t great.

Yet, I knew that I could never go back to the way life had been before that fateful night. For my own peace of mind and sanity, it was no longer an option. I would leave him—killing my soul in the process—before I would ever watch him do that to himself again.

And there it was.

I knew, in my heart, that if I had the strength to leave him if things didn’t change, then I probably had the strength to do whatever else was required of me. Compared to watching and waiting for him to die, standing by him and helping him through his recovery was nothing. He could yell, curse, scream, and belittle me with names, and it would make no difference. I had truly seen the worst life could throw at me—there was nothing else I could _not_ deal with.

I could do it…I could be what Edward needed. It didn’t matter if he never walked again. I would be right there to help him into a wheelchair, bathe him, or fucking feed him if necessary. If he needed help relearning things that he’d lost, I would be there.

I was angry with myself, because in all of the mess, I had forgotten one important thing. If you loved someone, it didn’t matter if you felt like you could do it. You just did it anyway. I had been so lost and felt like I didn’t have a purpose that it had been easy to forget. Well, I had a purpose. My purpose was to stand by Edward.

It was refreshing to finally let go of all of the self-doubt and pity I had drowned myself in. Deciding to go on and do the thing that scared me the most was freeing. Yes, there was a chance that I was going to fuck things up, but life wasn’t perfect. That lesson had been a hard one, taught in those very walls along with a lot of others. I could have curled up into a ball and let the sorrow overtake me, and yet, I didn’t. From that moment on, I vowed to never question my inner strength again. I had it, and she was a fucking beast.

I was ready for whatever life had for me next, because...

I _was_ a strong person. 


	18. Losing My Religion

August 3o, 2003

My newfound will was tested over and over the first two weeks I discovered it. There were many changes that I had to adapt to and endure as Edward became livelier. Five days after he had made it known he wanted my affection, he was taken off of the ventilator. I was excited for all of five seconds until I was told that he would be given a tracheotomy. It seemed that his breathing still wasn’t to where the doctors wanted it, but since he was awake, they wanted him off the machine. Having a plastic piece sticking out of his throat for the purpose of breathing horrified me. Not because of the way it looked—I couldn’t have given two shits about that—but, rather, I worried about how he would take it. My fears were all for nothing, because he didn’t even notice the tube and the mask that sat over it that gave him oxygen continuously.

A change he did notice was the padded restraints they had placed his wrists in. It was decided that Edward would be better off tied down after he ripped out his catheter one night. The day nurses had reported to us that the night shift had been shocked. However, when questioned, Edward just shrugged like it was no big deal. It was an unfortunate testament to how out of it he still was. He would plead with his hands and eyes for us to release him. I tried to keep him calm, but each time I refused to help him, a pissed off expression would cross his face and he would look up at the ceiling. It broke my fucking heart each time he did it. 

That didn’t mean Edward was still lying on his bed and just watching us anymore. He had taken to trying to talk to us, but since he had the trach in his throat, he had no voice. He would just lie on the bed and move his mouth. Sometimes we would even get an expression out of the exchange—usually frustration, because none of us were any good at reading lips. When he decided he’d had enough of whoever was visiting him, he would close his eyes and pretend we weren’t there.

Edward was beginning to remember that Emmett was his brother, but it wasn’t all the time. Some days, he would have a smile on his face when he would see Emmett and I would visit him, and on others, he’d just stare at him confused. I know that it frustrated Emmett, because we had talked about it a few times. He was holding on to the hope that he would get another chance to be the brother he should have been, whether Edward knew who he was or not.

The one thing that I had hoped and prayed would not happen, though, had come to pass. Edward developed a seizure disorder. I hadn’t seen it happen, but we were informed the morning after he had suffered through his first convulsions. It was a horror that I had no idea how to handle. The possibility he would never be exactly right in the head was one thing—Edward suffering from seizures was something else entirely.

I’d never had experience with something like that before, and I had no idea how to deal with one. A conversation with Carlisle, however, helped calm my fears. He explained that they had already begun giving him anti-convulsive medication, and with the right combination, the seizures could be controlled. It hadn’t escaped my notice when he said the word “controlled” and not “cured.” When I pointed this out to him, he let me know that, with the severity of Edward’s condition, “controlled” was the best we could hope for. The likelihood of Edward ever getting to a point where he’d never have a seizure was next to impossible.

The new information didn’t deter me in my mission to be there for my loved one. It was just another thing I was going to have to grapple with, accept, and come to terms with. I loved that man—there was nothing on the earth that would keep me from him. The only thing that would make me leave would be Edward to telling me to go.

~.~.~.~

September 8, 2003

Summer had given way to fall, and September was upon us. It didn’t seem possible that things had changed so much in the course of a season, but they had. Edward was finally going to be put into a regular room. It was a small victory, seeing him out of the NCCU. Months before, I had never even imagined he would be healthy enough to be without constant care. 

Carlisle had come down for a visit the day he was to be moved, after Esme had called the night before and told him. It felt right to have him there with Emmett, Esme, and I. Since Edward had been awake, Carlisle had taken it upon himself to salvage whatever relationship with his son that he could. It was heartwarming to know that at least some of his family was trying to mend the bridges they had all but burned before the accident.

The only person that wasn’t trying to right the wrongs of the past was Alice. We hadn’t seen much of her or Jasper in the past couple of weeks. I didn’t understand how she had gone from trying to be involved in everything that had to do with her brother’s condition to being almost completely absent. It didn’t make sense, but I didn’t let it worry me too much. She was the one who would have to answer for her actions if asked, not me.

While we were waiting for Edward to be transferred—we hoped for the final time inside Seattle General’s walls—Emmett had talked us into having lunch at a diner close to the hospital. It was easy to agree because I’d been there once before with Charlie, so I knew the food was good. Carlisle wanted to go somewhere a little classier, but he lost that argument when Esme pointed out that she didn’t want to leave for too long. She was excited about Edward’s change in location, not wanting to be away from him any more than she had to.

The small diner was within walking distance, so we took the five minute walk over. The conversation was kept light, making me feel like we were just any other ordinary family on their way to have a meal. It was a nice distraction from the stress of the past few months.

Once inside, we were seated immediately. The restaurant was kind of dead, leaving the impression that we would be served quickly.

“So, Blue Bell, what are you getting?” Emmett asked.

“Oh, for heaven sakes, Emmet, stop calling me that,” I said in exasperation as I looked at the menu I was holding. “The chicken platter looks good. I think I’ll order that.”

“Not a chance in hell, Blue Bell,” Emmett quipped. “I’m having the meatloaf.”

Emmett had decided that, since we had become friends, we needed nicknames for each other. I told him it was a stupid idea. He said I was going to be dubbed “Blue Bell.” I threatened to call him “Twinkle Toes” so he’d knock it off. It didn’t work, and he had even offered to buy a tutu just to screw with me. So I had a stupid nickname and he didn’t. I thought it was kind of unfair.

“Ha. Ha,” I said with a deadpan voice. “You’re also a poet and didn’t know it.”

“By George, you’re right. I am on fire tonight,” he said with a chuckle.

I closed my eyes and shook my head in amusement. Even though he liked to butcher my name, Emmett was great for comic relief. If it hadn’t been for him and his crazy antics, I had no idea what kind of state my mental health would have been in.

“You know, I could light you on fire. Then you’d be smoking, too,” I said.

“That’s enough out of the both of you,” Esme said, trying to use her stern mother voice. She was failing miserably, though. A small laugh escaped toward the end.

We were saved from further reprimanding when the waitress came to take our orders.

“So, Emmett,” Carlisle said after the she had walked away. “When are you planning on going back to the company?”

“I’m not sure,” Emmett replied. “I mean, I’m not sure if it’s what I want to do anymore. Selling it would give me enough money to live on for the rest of my life.”

“But…what about your grandfather’s wishes for it to stay in the family? It was his last wish that it to be passed down to the next generation,” Esme said, putting herself in the conversation.

“The way I see it, keeping it in the family has brought nothing but trouble,” Emmett argued.

“Surely you don’t mean that. Besides, Edward gave it to you. What would he say?” Esme asked.

“The hell I don’t,” Emmett said with force. “And I think Edward would probably encourage me. He never wanted the damn thing and only gave it to me because you begged him to. I’m not an idiot, Mom.”

Esme sat back stunned while Carlisle sat forward, looking like he was ready to come to his wife’s defense. Emmett held a hand up.

“Look, I’m not trying to start a fight. It’s not what I want. You have to realize, though, that our family fell apart because of that damn company. Not to mention the money Granddad left us. None of us—myself included—accepted the fact that the old man left almost everything to Edward. Whether or not we agreed with it, or thought he was worthy of it, we had no right to try to take the company from him. Because of that, we pushed him away from us. I’m not willing to let it come between my brother and me any longer. I hope you will support me on this. However, if you don’t, I’m getting rid of it anyway,” Emmett admitted.

The entire table was stunned by Emmett’s passionate words. We had never talked about what he would do with Masen Unlimited, and I had assumed that he would eventually go back to it. His revelation had proven me wrong.

“What if your wife disagrees, son?” Carlisle asked.

“I couldn’t care less about what my _wife_ thinks,” Emmett sneered.

“Emmett?” Esme questioned.

“I’m leaving her, Mom. I forgot how important family was a long time ago. Now that I’ve straightened out my priorities, I’m not going to let anyone deter me. Even selfish bitches like Rosalie,” Emmett said with conviction.

“If that’s what you want, Emmett, we’ll support you in your decision. Your mother and I may not have been the best parents, but we want to fix that…with all of you,” Carlisle asserted.

“Thanks,” Emmett said with emotion in his voice. “I just wish my sister would do the same.”

“Well, your sister always did follow her own ideas,” Esme said darkly.

I stayed silent through the entire conversation. I was afraid to voice my opinion on the matter, because I felt it was something they needed to work through. Not to mention, I wasn’t entirely sure how my thoughts would be seen. While I had been told over and over again by these people that I was a part of the family, there was still a thin wall of doubt separating us. I wasn’t quite sure if I could trust them yet.

The food came not long after the discussion had ended, and I pondered my relationship with Esme as I ate. I’d come to understand a lot of things about myself in the past few weeks, and I felt like maybe it was time to start addressing my issues with those around me. Esme and I needed to talk about why she had given up on Edward so easily.

The walk back to the hospital helped me clear my thoughts so I could focus on Edward. I was as excited as Esme to see him in an ordinary hospital room. It was my hope that he wouldn’t give the hospital staff on the floor too much trouble, but it was Edward. He had managed to do all kinds of things to exasperate the staff in the NCCU. I knew that hope was going to be short lived.

Carlisle and Emmett decided to stop by their rooms before seeing Edward, not wanting to overwhelm him with everyone arriving at once. Esme and I continued on to the fifth floor, where his room was located.

When we walked through the open door, Edward was lying on the bed, staring in the direction of the window. The television was on, but he acted like it didn’t exist. Looking closer at the screen, it was on some entertainment news program. I huffed and walked over to the bed, leaning over to change the channel with the remote to something he would watch.

_Stupid fucking hospital staff. It’s not your fucking T.V._

Edward must have heard me come over, because he was looking at me when I stood back up. He had a smile on his face and his lips were moving. We’d learned a few days before that he could make sound and talk normally if he put a finger over his trach tube. He was still having trouble figuring it out, and we had to encourage him to use it. Sometimes, we had to do it for him.

“Edward,” I said softly. “Put your finger on the tube so I can hear you, baby.”

He stopped talking and looked up at me. It was then I noticed that his arms were fastened to the bed, and the restraints were so tight that his arms were pushed into the mattress. I furrowed my brow and looked over at Esme, motioning toward his arms. She came around to see what I was gesturing at.

“Oh hell no,” I said to her. “They are not leaving him like this.”

She leaned back and peaked out the door.

“No one is out there. Come on, we’ll fix him. I hope they come in and say something, too. I’ll have my husband chew their asses out,” Esme declared.

I went to the other side of the bed, and we began the task of loosening the restraints. There was no way in hell I was letting them keep his wrists that tightly bound. It had to be uncomfortable for him. We moved his arms a couple of times, while holding the slack, to make sure he couldn’t reach any of the tubes or wires attached to him. I figured that was why he was bound in the first place, but to the degree they had tightened the thing was ridiculous. Once we were satisfied with our work, we tied it back to the rails under the bed.

“What do you think you’re doing?” a voice called out.

I jumped and looked up. A small, dark-haired nurse was standing slightly behind Esme, tapping her foot and waiting expectantly. _Oh, bitch, it’s on_.

“Well, we were fixing these because they were too tight,” I explained.

“I don’t think you have the right to tell me—“ she started to say.

“Pardon me…” Esme said, cutting her off and looking toward the nurse’s shirt. “Carmen. My husband, who is a doctor, might not agree with you. Now, I suggest that you leave him like this, or fix these restraints so he has a little slack. Otherwise, I’m sure Carlisle will have no trouble reporting you and your co-workers for abuse.”

“Well, I never,” Carmen began.

I interrupted her sentence. “And if nothing happens with that, I’m sure my father—the police chief in Forks—can find someone at the Seattle police department who will listen to him. Cops stick together, you know. I’d listen to her if I were you.”

Carmen’s face scrunched up in rage, and she stomped out of the room.

“Bitch,” Esme muttered.

I laughed and turned back toward Edward. He was shaking his head slightly and laughing silently while mouthing something at me.

“What, Edward? I can’t understand you. Hold on, let me help you,” I said.

I placed my pointer and middle fingers on top of the plastic tube in his throat, making sure my fingers were close enough together to trap the air inside.

“I said…that was hot,” Edward said with a rasp.

 I still wasn’t used to hearing his voice, and it made me melt every single time.

“How are you doing, Edward?” Esme asked.

“I’m fine, Mother,” Edward said with agitation.

“All right. All right. I just wanted to know how you are,” Esme said, trying to placate him.

“You always ask that. They won’t let me out of this bed, so nothing changes,” he pointed out.

“Hey there, man,” Emmett said.

Both he and Carlisle walked in at that moment. Edward looked at his brother with a curious expression. Right away, it was obvious it was going to be one of those times when he had no clue who Emmett was. _Damn it_. I watched Emmett try to hide his hurt face with a smile.

“Remember, I’m Emmett. Your brother,” he explained.

“Okay,” Edward said, still confused.

Carlisle pushed a chair behind me, so I sat down and removed my fingers from the hole on top of the tube. Esme moved closer to Edward and took my place. We had all gotten used to taking turns covering the hole so he could talk. It was strange, and at first I was worried he wouldn’t be able to breathe while we covered the hole. However, when we were told that covering it would force the air through his vocal cords so he could talk, and not affect his breathing at all, I didn’t let it bother me anymore.

Edward stared at the television screen but wasn’t quite watching it. I thanked Carlisle for the chair.

“Emmett!” Edward exclaimed, seemingly realizing he was not alone in the room. “When did you get here?”

“I’ve been here, bro. Don’t you remember?” Emmett asked.

“No,” Edward said.

“You doing okay?” Emmett asked.

“I’m good, but I want to go outside. Go get…um…what’s it called?” Edward asked. He wore a puzzled look.

“I think you want a wheelchair, Edward,” Carlisle answered. “And you can’t have one because you have to stay in your bed.”

“Fuck,” Edward muttered.

“You wanna watch the game?” Emmett asked. “The Redskins are playing, and I think it’s going to be their year.”

“Whatever,” Edward said. “I don’t care.”

Emmett took that as a yes and walked over toward me. He leaned over the rail and changed the channel. We sat in silence for a few moments, and then I walked over to take Esme’s spot so she could sit. She tried to refuse until I pointed out she had been standing the entire time we’d been in the room. It was only then she relented and walked to the other side of the bed.

Since the bandages had come off of his head, the wound where they had cut his head open was very noticeable. In two places, near his hairline, were holes where the drainage tube and probe had been. They were scary looking but seemed like they were healing. The rest of the large surgical cut was being held together by large, ugly staples. The hardest thing to look at, though, was the big patch of hair they had to shave off to perform the surgery. It looked like a four year old had given him a haircut, and looked horrible. I missed running my fingers through his hair, but didn’t dare try. I was afraid I’d hurt him if I did.

Edward tilted his head back, staring at me. I leaned down and left a couple of chaste pecks on his lips, which caused him to smile.

“I love you,” I said, placing my fingers back on his trach.

“Love you,” he said in his raspy voice. “Hey, let’s go outside.”

“Edward, you’re not allowed to go outside. You’re hooked up to all this stuff,” I said, reminding him.

“Damn it,” he said with a huff.

I raised the hand that wasn’t covering the opening in his throat, and ran my fingers over his cheekbone. He leaned into my touch.

“Help me up,” Edward said suddenly.

“You can’t go outside,” I repeated.

“I have to piss. Help me to the bathroom,” he ordered.

“Son, you have a catheter. You don’t need to go to the bathroom,” Carlise explained.

“I am going to piss all over myself if you don’t help me up,” Edward urged.

“Baby, it’s okay,” I assured.

Edward began tugging on the padded cuffs holding his wrist down, and trying to scoot down the bed.

“What are you doing?” Esme asked, rising out of her chair.

“I’m getting up,” Edward stated.

“Oh no you’re not,” Emmett said, walking over toward him.

“Edward, they will sedate you if you don’t calm down,” Carlisle said at the same time, making his way over, as well.

Esme and I backed up, letting the men have access to Edward. Carlisle told Emmett to hook his arm under Edward’s armpit, and both of them shifted Edward to the top of the bed. Edward was moving his mouth rapidly, cussing them out I guessed. I walked back over and placed my fingers on the plastic tube.

“—damn it. I just wanted to go to the bathroom!” he whisper-yelled.

“Stop,” I chastised. “You’re going to hurt your throat.”

“I don’t give a fuck. These assholes want me to piss all over myself. Fine, but you’re cleaning me up when I do,” Edward vented.

“You are not going to piss all over yourself,” I promised. “You have a tube in you that is connected to a bag. All of your urine goes in there. Everything is fine.”

Edward scrunched up his face in confusion, staring off into space.

“Are you trying to tell me there’s something in my dick?” Edward asked.

Emmett laughed loudly, turning red in his amusement. _Of course he would make that connection_. I sighed, frustrated that he wasn’t focusing on the point I was trying to make. However, I kept my thoughts to myself, knowing that it was hard for him to understand a lot of the time. We had found out once he could talk that his short term memory and critical thinking skills had been affected more than we had hoped for. While the doctors were confident that he could relearn how to understand things around him better, his short term memory might always be poor. Only time would tell us if he would gain it back.

“It’s fine. It is not going to hurt you, Edward,” Carlisle assured him.

“You’re not the one with a broken dick,” Edward muttered.

That time, I couldn’t contain the sigh of frustration. “It’s not broken,” I said.

“Wanna get naked and find out?” Edward asked me.

I turned beat red. Emmett ran out of the room, and we could hear his loud guffaws as he moved further away. Carlisle had his head bent down and was holding the bridge of his nose, shaking with silent laughter. Esme was standing next to her husband, trying to hold herself together.

 _Those Assholes are going to pay for making fun of me later. It’s a promise_.

I could tell, looking at Edward, he was serious. “Baby, it’s not happening. Your mother and father are still in the room.”

“They can leave,” Edward reasoned.

A small chuckle came from the other side of the room. I wanted to kill both of them, because they were not making this easy. I was starting to see the humor in the situation, and it was hard to keep my composure.

“Edward,” I warned.

“Fine,” he said. “It’s still broken, though.”

And that was how we spent the rest of visiting hours. Edward was convinced that, because he had a catheter tube inserted into his urethra, his penis was no longer functional. I, as well as the rest of the family present, tried in vain to convince him that wasn’t the case. For some reason, though, he was stuck on the idea and was not going to be persuaded otherwise.

When it was time to leave for the night, I kissed him and told him I’d see him the next day. At first, he tried to talk me into staying with him. It hurt when I had to tell him I couldn’t—the look on his face was enough to almost make me agree. When his mother explained that I was sleeping near him, it satisfied him somewhat. The only way he would let me leave was to promise I would be back in the morning.

“I hate leaving him. I can’t wait until he comes home,” I said to no one in particular. We were all in the elevator, heading toward the main floor of the hospital. The cafeteria was open twenty-four hours, so we all knew a very late supper was possible.

“We wanted to talk to you about that, Bella,” Carlisle said softly as we exited the metal doors. I looked at him curiously, knowing he was about to say something that was going to piss me off. As time had gone on, I had been more vocal about some of my opinions regarding Edward’s overall well being. It seemed I was about to do it again.

“O-kay,” I said, drawing the word out.

“Let’s eat first and then we can talk,” he said.

_Yeah, I’m not going to like this. At all._

Nothing more was said as we made our selections in the cafeteria. That didn’t mean I wasn’t thinking about what Carlisle had hinted toward. The way he had said it, it was like he was preparing me for something. Knowing how Carlisle and Esme operated, after learning the hard way, they were about to make things difficult.

Emmett regaled us with strategies on how to find the fish tank while we ate—something that he refused to give up on. After we had searched the entire hospital with no luck, he was hell bent on the idea that it was nothing more than a conspiracy to drive him mad. He had yet to tell Edward about his crazy quest, and I was worried when he finally did. The way his mind was at the moment, I had a feeling he would indulge in Emmett’s nutty behavior, giving him yet another reason to want to climb out of the bed.

When we finished, Carlisle turned toward me.

“Esme and I have been talking about what will happen once Edward is well enough to leave here. The doctors have suggested two possibilities. One is for him to enter a rehabilitation program that specializes in occupational and physical therapy. The other is an inpatient program at a hospital in Port Angeles that has an even better physical and occupational therapy clinic. We’ve decided to go with the second option. We figured you wouldn’t object to it,” Carlisle explained.

I nodded my head. In truth, it was something that I would have agreed to, but it stung that they were back to keeping me out of things. It seemed like I was only needed to be someone who would stop them from making hasty decisions. When it came to discussing long term care, though, I was once again left to the sidelines.

“When he’s ready to leave the rehab center, we think it would be best if he came to live with us,” Esme said.

And that was the moment I had finally had enough. My blood boiled, and all of my carefully contained rage spilled out of me.

“That is where I disagree with you,” I seethed. “I understand that you both feel guilty about how things have been between you and Edward for the past few years, but do you even care what he would want?”

“He doesn’t know what he wants,” Carlisle said calmly. “We’re not even sure he knows what’s going on around him. Since we are his parents, it is our job to take care of him. I’m sorry if you don’t agree with our decision, but we are better able to handle the situation.”

An incredulous laugh bubbled up and spilled out of me.

“Bella, please,” Esme pleaded. “He is going to be a handful. Surely you can see that you won’t be able to do this on your own. Besides, it’s likely he’s not going to be able to make decisions for himself. So, as his next of kin, we have to do this.”

Her words hurt more than she would ever know. At the moment, I wasn’t going to give them the satisfaction of knowing. It wasn’t my fault that my parents had had such a crappy marriage that it had fallen apart, making me question the entire institution of marriage. However, sitting there and listening to the thinly veiled excuse they were feeding me, I knew it had nothing to do with me. Instead, it was becoming clear there was a hidden agenda they were hoping I wasn’t going to catch on to.

“Do you really think it’s a good idea to cut Bella out of the picture?” Emmett asked. “Edward wants her around.”

“Oh, no, that’s not what we meant,” Esme assured. “We just mean that he should live with us. Bella is more than welcome to come see him anytime and help.”

 _Gee, thanks. I’ve been reduced to a sometime caregiver. Awesome_.

“And if he fights you on this?” I asked.

“He’ll just have to get used to it,” Carlisle replied.

It was like I went one step forward and then two steps back with these people. The anger and betrayal I felt, once again, was palatable. I knew, though, that it was a battle I had no chance of winning. They held all the cards, and no one was going to side with me. I had nothing to offer in the way of financial means, nor did I have medical training. They had both, and I was fucked. The only option I had was to play nice.

It was obvious they were taking the new “chance” to be better parents to the extreme. Trying to right all of their past mistakes, they were beginning to treat him like he had no understanding about anything. They had already decided that he would always be mentally compromised and at the level of a child. It was heart breaking and infuriating to know they had ignored everything they had been told.

I, on the other hand, kept in mind that the doctors had stated time and time again that his current mental state may not be forever. As his brain healed, some of his cognitive functions may come back. Which meant he could be close to where he was before, to a small or large degree. Only time would tell what would happen.

His parents, though, refused to acknowledge that chance. They seemed comfortable thinking he would always be dependent on them. It pissed me off they thought that way. Once again, they were thinking about what would make them happy, and not what was best for Edward.

“Well, it sounds like you don’t really need me to say anything, since you’ve already decided,” I said. “I just hope you remember he is an adult, not a child, no matter what his mental state is.”

Both looked at me incredulously, like they couldn’t believe I would call them out on their bias. I didn’t give a fuck. I wasn’t going to believe he was slow until I was proven otherwise. The fact that he was still alive, not to mention awake and talking, was reason enough for me to give him credit. Edward had shown us he still had a tremendous amount of fight left in him, and given the proper motivation, he would work as hard as he could to reclaim himself.

Someone needed to believe in him, and it was clear that his parents weren’t going to. Emmett and Alice were still up in the air, so at the moment, I was alone in my stance. Being the only one willing to be open minded, logical, and fight for what Edward would want was becoming something I was familiar with.

We parted ways for the night. The tension was there, and I knew that the discussion wasn’t over. I had hit a nerve and was confident his parents would be bringing up the topic again. They could talk until they turned blue, because I wasn’t going to change my mind. I didn’t support their idea and would only go along with it because there was no other choice.

~.~.~.~

September 9, 2003

The next morning, Esme and I took a walk around the hospital grounds to give Carlisle and Emmett time to spend with Edward alone. The conversation from the previous night was rattling around in my head, making it hard to keep up with the small talk she was trying to engage me in. There were a lot of things that I wanted to say, but I didn’t know if I could keep my anger in check.

 _Damn it_.

I knew that if I didn’t get it out into the open, these thoughts were going to poison what was left of the relationship between Edward’s mother and me. Edward didn’t need to deal with the ramifications of my silence. I took a deep breath, making the decision to get it all out.

“—not used to the cooler weather. I should have Carlisle bring some jackets on his next visit,” Esme said. 


	19. Hell & Consequences

September 9, 2003

Esme led me to an outside bench on the other side of the hospital. The sun was facing us, warming our chilled bodies. I tried to order my thoughts as we got comfortable in our seats.

“What is it, dear?” Esme asked.

I took a deep breath, steeling my nerves. “I really don’t know how to say this without sounding ungrateful or like a bitch.”

She turned toward me, confusion plain on her face.

“Esme, I’m not entirely comfortable about some of the decisions that have been made recently,” I began. “I mean, are you sure this is what Edward would want? Have you even asked his opinion?”

“Edward has no idea what he wants, honey. He’s so confused. We think it’s best to just continue as planned,” she said.

_Stay calm. Do not blow up. It will not help your case._

“You know he’s going to be pissed when he realizes he has no choice,” I pointed out. It was true; Edward’s temper was volatile at times. How they thought they could control it was beyond me.

“I know,” she said. “So far we’ve been lucky that he hasn’t asked a lot of questions. I’m confident he’ll eventually see things our way because it’s for the best.”

“Esme,” I stated. “What if he does ask? What then?”

“I’m hoping you’ll help us explain the situation to him. He’s always responded to you better than anyone. Besides, we wouldn’t dream of putting all of this on you. You are too young to have a responsibility as large as what Edward has become placed on your shoulders. It’s not fair to you.”

A slap would have felt better than the words coming from her lips. After everything, it all boiled down to my age and perceived irresponsibility. I wanted to tell her just exactly how irresponsible I thought her and her husband had been all those years. They had, for all intents and purposes, tossed him aside like garbage when he hadn’t conformed to their perfect image of what a family should be. The words reverberating in my brain made me sick.

She looked at her son as a burden that was going to be placed on someone’s shoulders. That made me think that her and Carlisle felt like they were being the noble ones by stepping in and taking responsibility for what Edward had become to them. What she hadn’t realized, though, was that I didn’t see him as a burden at all. Sure, it wasn’t going to be easy caring for Edward, but I was confident I could do it. I had lived through the worst possible scenario, and anything else would be a blessing in my eyes.

It was becoming clearer and clearer that I was stepping into a proverbial mine field. I was not in any position to stand against Carlisle and Esme. They had it all—prestige, money, next of kin status, and the appearance of being the doting parents. The hospital staff alone commented quite often that they were amazed by how Edward’s parents had stuck by him.

I, on the other hand, was a girl of twenty-two. I had access to his money through an account he’d set up. A specified amount would be dumped into it monthly, giving me a way to pay bills, buy groceries, or anything else we would need. He had tried to give me full access to his money at one time and even some control over it, but I had declined. At the time, it had horrified me to have that kind of power over something that wasn’t mine. As I sat listening to Esme, though, I could have kicked myself. It would have given me some kind of leg to stand on against his parents.

Then again, I wasn’t entirely sure they wouldn’t have tried to use that against me. He hadn’t been in the right state of mind for a long time with all of the drugs he’d pumped into his body. It very well could have backfired on me, giving them ammunition to cast me as the gold-digging girlfriend.

So, my options were limited. The only thing I could hope for, at that moment, was whatever they were willing to give me. It pissed me off, but what else could I do?

“I don’t think he would be a burden, Esme. I’ve accepted his condition and his possible limitations,” I responded. She leaned back, closing her eyes for a moment. When they opened, she looked up at the sky.

“Bella, I understand. I really do. What happens, though, when things become too much? You’d be all by yourself. There are two of us—three when you are there. Edward is going to be difficult. I just don’t think you’ll be able to handle this all on your own,” Esme explained.

I was losing the battle. Every argument I came up with, she had countered. My shoulders slumped in defeat, and I was very upset. I’d decided to let it go for the moment, choosing to focus on other things that were bothering me.

“Okay,” I relented. “I guess I can understand your point.”

She nodded her head in acceptance of my words, moving to stand.

“Um, there was something else I wanted to talk to you about,” I said. Esme halted and sat back down, looking at me once more.

“Yes?” she muttered. The confusion had returned.

“I, uh…God. I really don’t know how to say this,” I replied. My hands were shaking slightly. I felt sick, knowing I had to say what I’d been thinking about for weeks. I knew the feelings of betrayal weren’t going to go away until I did. For the second time, I prepared myself.

“Why, Esme?” I asked.

“I don’t follow,” she said.

_Of course she doesn’t. I’m being a fucking coward._

“How could you even think about taking him off of life support?” I whispered. I was afraid of her answer.

She opened her mouth and then closed it. I waited as she sat there, gathering her thoughts I assumed.

“I just…Bella, I couldn’t watch him suffer. I realize now that I was wrong, but at the time, it was all I could think of,” she said as an explanation.

“But—“I said. She cut me off with a wave of her hand.

“When you become a mother, you’ll understand that you’ll do just about anything for your children. Even make the hard decisions that no one else wants to. We make mistakes, too. Kids, even adult ones, don’t come with instructions. We never know if we’re getting it right or not,” she said.

Esme paused, taking a deep breath.

“I will, though…” she started. I looked into her eyes and saw the tears gathering there. Her voice cracked as she continued. “I’ll be forever grateful that you went against me. If you hadn’t, my son would be dead now. I was wrong, so very wrong.”

Her words made me see her in a new light. Yes, she was literally pissing me off by using Edward’s condition as a way to get a do-over. At the same time, though, she knew that she had fucked up big time. The question remained—did she realize she could be doing it once again?

She was right. Parents screwed things up all the time. My mother had been one of the biggest examples. However, I never spent a day questioning her love for me. For all of Renee’s faults, every decision had been made out of love.

I didn’t doubt Esme’s love for Edward, or even Carlisle’s, for that matter. It showed in how they had stuck by him since all of it had begun. What I doubted were their intentions. There was a lot of history between Edward and his parents involving mistrust. I wasn’t quite ready to forgive—let alone forget—all that had transpired those past few months.

“It hurt, Esme,” I admitted. “I still don’t understand how you could have given up on him so easily. The machines were not hurting him. Even if they were, the amount of medication he was on would have helped. He had a chance to fight because of them. How hard would it have been to just wait it out?”

“I have no excuses, Bella. All I can say is, at the time, it seemed like the right thing to do. I don’t know what else to say,” she said.

It wasn’t what I wanted to hear. What I was looking for was some kind of explanation that would absolve her of what I had perceived as a grave transgression. I had always loved Esme, but that day, my idea of who she was had been shattered. I guess I was still trying to reconcile my image of who I thought she was with who she was in reality. I’d decided to end that quest, though, and went with the first thought I’d had on the situation. She was just a person and nothing more.

“I can’t say I understand, because I don’t. I love him, Esme, and the thought of him dying is not acceptable to me. I’ll never give up where he’s concerned. However, I don’t hate you for it. You were always there to help me through the bad times before all this happened,” I said softly.

She sniffed. “I hope you know that I do love you, and I don’t know what this family would do without you. Or, what Edward would do without you.”

“It was never a hard choice, Esme,” I said. “I don’t function without Edward.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” Esme admitted. “If you weren’t around, I’d be worried about his future. However, knowing you’ll be there when his father and I are gone—it’s a comfort. I know he’ll be well taken care of.”

Her last comment didn’t make sense to me. What the hell did she mean by it?

“There you are,” Emmett said. He was standing off to the side of us. His presence had broken the bubble we’d been in, and the conversation died.

“Emmett, did you need something?” Esme asked.

“Uh, yeah. Edward has been arguing with us for the past few minutes. He’s convinced that Bella isn’t at the hospital and wouldn’t believe Dad and me when we told him she was outside with you,” he replied. He scratched the back of his neck nervously.

I stood up, beginning to walk back to the entrance. It killed me that he didn’t remember what I’d told him the night before—that I was staying in a room on the grounds and would see him sometime that day. Then again, I wasn’t surprised. I was getting used to the short term memory loss. It seemed like things that we’d told him never stuck, making us repeat ourselves all the time.

“I promised I’d bring you back myself,” Emmett said as we entered the elevator. “I’m not going back on my word, not where Edward is concerned.”

I nodded my head. Emmett had really been trying to be the brother Edward needed. However, there were times when he’d missed the mark. When I would get upset with him, I tried to keep in mind that, for years, Emmett had been missing in action and doing his own thing. He’d had no idea how to act like a caring sibling and was basically stumbling through the dark in his attempts.

The elevator reached Edward’s floor, and we exited into the hallway. It didn’t take long to reach Edward’s room. When I entered, he was lying on the bed, looking at his father with a pissed off expression on his face. Carlisle sat in a chair next to him, trying to reason with him. I realized that I needed to get into that room…right that instant.

“Hey,” I said, making my presence known. Esme and Emmett entered the room and crossed to the other side. I walked to the side of Edward’s bed closest to the door and stood beside him. He had turned his head in my direction and started to talk, but no sound came out. His arms were still bound, so he couldn’t push on the trach himself.

“Hold on, I can’t hear you,” I said. I put my fingers over the opening, trapping the air inside.

“Emmett said you were here, but you weren’t,” he said accusingly.

“I was downstairs with your mother. We wanted to give you time with your dad and Emmett, so we were talking,” I explained.

“Oh,” he said. “You should have just come up here, though. I missed you.”

I sighed. “I’m sorry. I was going to come up soon. I missed you, too, you know.”

He smiled that crooked smile that killed me dead every damn time. I heard footsteps and watched as Emmett and Carlisle left the room. Emmett shot me a small smile as he was leaving, so I knew that they were giving us time.

Esme walked up to her son on the other side the bed. I removed my fingers, giving her a chance to take over for a while. I turned and saw a chair sitting up against the wall across from me. I dragged it over to Edward’s bedside and sat down.

“Did you have a good visit with your dad and Emmett?” she asked.

“I guess,” he said. Edward shrugged his shoulders, not looking the least bit interested in the conversation at all.

She tried to engage him, but he kept giving her half-hearted answers. As I listened, I tried not to cringe. It was like listening to a mother talk to her toddler. The discussion was juvenile, and while I knew why she was doing it, that fact didn’t make me any happier.

After a while, she decided to leave to find Emmett and Carlisle. She said that she wanted to give us some time alone. I was grateful for it, telling her so. She left the room, and then it was just the two of us.

I placed my fingers on Edward’s trach with one hand, and ran my fingertips over his forearm with the other. He melted into the pillow with a content look on his face. I smiled, enjoying the feel of his skin and the reaction I had caused.

“I can’t wait until I can go home,” he said. Both eyes opened, looking straight at me. “I miss our bed…and sleeping with you.”

_Fuck._

_I really hate that I have no control over anything right now._

I had to handle the conversation with delicacy. I didn’t want to lie to him, but I didn’t want to upset him, either. _Fuck his parents for putting me in this situation_.

“I miss sleeping with you, too,” I said, really hoping that I wouldn’t fuck this up. “But you have to go to the rehab center before you can go home. Remember your mom and dad telling you that?”

“No,” Edward admitted. He looked confused. “I don’t need to go to rehab. The nurses won’t let me have anything anyway.”

I closed my eyes, choosing to ignore that last comment for the moment. With the severity of memory loss he had, having _the drug_ talk wouldn’t do any good at the present time. I would wait until I knew exactly where his mental state was going to be before I broached the subject. I opened my eyes and looked at him.

“No, not that kind of rehab, baby. I mean where you learn how to walk and stuff like that,” I tried to explain.

“If they’d take this shit off of me, I could walk now. They won’t let me get up, though,.” Edward murmured.

“It’s not safe for you to leave your bed,” I reasoned with him. “You’re not supposed to get up on your own.”

He huffed, clearly upset. I wasn’t going to back down, though. I really hoped he’d let it go.

“I’m an adult. I can do what I want,” he muttered petulantly.

“I know, baby. If I let you out of those restraints, though, I’ll get in trouble with the nursing staff.” I shifted, trying to find a more comfortable position. My fingers left the hole for a moment, but I placed them back on when I was situated.

Instead of answering me, he closed his eyes tightly and grimaced. I knew right away that he was in pain.

“Do you want me to see if you can have anything?” I asked.

“Yeah, my head hurts,” Edward answered.

I reached over, taking my hand off of him, and pressed the call button. A nurse on the other end asked what we needed. When I told her that he was in pain, she assured me someone would be there soon to take care of it.

 _Damn straight you will. I am not above hunting you down_.

I sat back in the chair and ran my fingers over his cheek, trying to soothe him. His fists balled up, tightening around the sheets. It wasn’t often, but when Edward was between doses of pain medication, he would get headaches similar to migraines. They were an unfortunate side effect of his brain trauma. I’d been told that they were mild compared to what he would have felt had they not put him in a coma. Watching his pain in his conscious state was enough, and I couldn’t imagine how it could have been any worse.

Minutes later—it felt like a lifetime for me, and probably an eternity for Edward—one of the nurses entered the room. She had a syringe in her hand. I moved out of the way, and she rubbed an alcohol swab on the opening of the IV port. Placing the needle in carefully, she depressed the plunger and sent the medication into his bloodstream. The nurse asked if he needed anything else, but Edward declined. Then, just as quickly as she arrived, the nurse was gone.

It didn’t take long for the pain medicine to take effect, and I watched as Edward’s features relaxed, showing me that he was finding relief. I caressed his face while he waited for it to take effect. He closed his eyes as he leaned into my touch slightly. I continued the soothing motion until I saw his breathing steady. He was asleep not long after.

I stayed with him, not wanting to leave his side.

~.~.~.~

September 13, 2003

Eventually, Edward was released from his restraints. Since he had stopped trying to yank the tubes and wires out of his body, the doctors had decided he could be trusted. I hadn’t seen Edward that happy in a long time as when he could finally shift in the bed as he pleased. Keeping him in the damn thing was another story, though.

He still tried to get out of bed, convinced that he could walk. His parents were no help, because they scolded him most of the time. That only caused Edward to act like the child they thought of him as. It was a vicious cycle that I tried to stop every time I was there. He was almost possessed in his obsession to walk on his own. The only thing that seemed to work was when I told him it would hurt me if he got up and was injured. He apparently didn’t want me to be in any emotional pain, so he’d stop. At night, they kept him sedated to prevent any accidents and him. The staff only let him be during visiting hours.

A week after he was moved, it was decided that Edward would be allowed to walk short distances with heavy support. So Felix, a huge nurse that looked like a body builder, would come and assist him to the bathroom. The times I was in the room to witness, it broke me all over again. Edward barely moved his legs at all, causing Felix to half drag, half carry him. I kept telling myself that it might not be permanent and that Edward may walk again one day.

~.~.~.~

September 25, 2003

Two weeks after he’d been admitted into a private room, preparations were being made for him to move to Port Angeles. It was the closest town that had a fully functioning physical and occupational in-patient therapy facility. I was terrified and excited at the same time. It was another step on his way to being free, but I didn’t know how much going through the program would help him, if at all.

I was in the cafeteria with Emmett eating lunch. Esme and Carlisle were meeting with the doctors in Edward’s room, discussing plans for Edward’s move. I’d been present for some of it, but I had to leave when his parents started talking about plans after the rehab center. I kissed Edward on his forehead, promising to be back soon.

I was more upset than I had let on. Any mention of Edward going to live with Esme and Carlisle was still a sore subject with me. I really tried to let it go, but I was still working on it.

“It’s going to be okay, you know,” Emmett said. He was staring at me as we sat at the table. Emmett was finished with his food and was waiting for me.

I scoffed. “I don’t see how. I understand their point, but it still doesn’t make it easy.”

“I’m just…I really hate all of this,” he murmured. “It seems like we’ve all gotten closer since it happened, but we haven’t.”

I had to agree with Emmett’s assessment. It was like Edward’s accident had tied everyone together in ways that nothing else could. At the same time, though, there was a huge gap of mistrust lingering that no one could cross. I didn’t trust his parents or Alice, and I still had some lingering doubts about Emmett. He’d proven himself time and time again, but there was still a voice in the back of my head that whispered _he’ll eventually give up, too_.  

I wanted, more than anything, for that voice to be wrong. If nothing else, I needed an ally in Emmett. Alice was out, because she couldn’t look at me with anything but contempt. I still had no idea what her problem was, and since she hadn’t been up for a while, I couldn’t find out. I had a feeling I was going to have to track her down. And I would, too, because that conversation needed to happen. I was tired of the animosity between us.

His parents went back and forth with me, making my head spin at times. I never was quite sure where I stood with them. That frightened me the most, because they held all the cards. I wouldn’t leave willingly, but I was afraid they could make that happen.

Emmett had been there when I needed him. The support he’d given had helped me through some pretty dark times, encouraging me to find my inner strength. However, in the past, he’d given up and brushed his brother off like everyone else. I guess I was scared that the “new Emmett” wasn’t permanent and only a product of intense emotions. Deep down, I knew it would kill me a little bit if he went back to his old ways.

“I know,” I said, acknowledging his words.

He nodded. “So, what are your plans when you leave here?”

“Um, I know that I’m going to the hospital in Port Angeles first. Then, I guess I’m commuting daily between there and Forks. Well, when I don’t stay with Edward, that is,” I replied.

He chuckled. “Yeah, I was pretty sure they wouldn’t be able to keep you from that place.”

“What about you?” I asked.

“I, unfortunately, have a few things I have to take care of before I can make it out that way,” he said.

My heart dropped—he was abandoning us.

“Don’t look at me like that, Blue Bell.” Emmett leaned in closer. “I just need a week to get everything in order. I have a divorce to file for, a company to prepare to sell, and a house to buy in Forks. I know I can’t be of any help if I stay here in Seattle, so I’m done.”

The usual silliness that had accompanied Emmett since he’d been there was gone. In its place was the seriousness I’d come to associate with him. He looked older and tired. Looking at him, I didn’t see the indifference that had been present before when he’d left Edward behind to live in Seattle. Instead, there was a determination in his eyes that I’d never seen before.

“I’m going to be calling you and bugging you all the time about Edward,” he joked. “I’ll probably call his room at least once a day, too. Don’t worry. I’m not going to walk out on him again.”

I nodded my head, accepting his words. What else could I do, anyway? Only time would tell if he meant what he had said.

“Oh!” he exclaimed. A huge smile spread across his face, and a mischievous glint appeared in his eyes. “I’ve finally solved the mystery of the fish tank.”

I shoved my tray out of the way, no longer interested in the food. The emotions of the day had once again made the food taste like ash, only to kill my appetite. I welcomed the distraction from all of the drama that had been going on with open arms.

“You mean you found it?” I questioned. “I mean, that’s great. Why haven’t I seen it yet, though?”

“Okay, so it’s kind of complicated,” he began.

I furrowed my brow. How could the location of a fucking tank be complicated? Oh, I had to hear his explanation.

“I happened to be in the radiology department the other day,” Emmett explained. “There was a guy cleaning the fish tank. I figured, if anyone would know where the famous tank was, it would be him. We got to talking, and I told him about my theories. Well, needless to say, he laughed at me.”

I laughed as Emmett pouted. Honestly, he really couldn’t think that most people wouldn’t find his obsession funny, could he? It was just a bunch of glass glued together with water and fish in it. Yet, he went on and on about the tank like it was going to cure cancer or something.

I tried to compose myself. “Sorry.”

He huffed. “Anyway, it turns out the damn tank isn’t even in this building.”

That got my attention. If it wasn’t in the hospital, then where was it? It all seemed kind of strange to me.

“Okay, I’ll bite. Where the hell is it?” I asked.

“It’s in some stupid doctor’s office that’s affiliated with the hospital. I guess they set up a camera to record the thing and set it up on a loop for the broadcast. They do it a few times a week after the office closes so they can change the shots. Dude wouldn’t tell me which office they had it in. Now I’ll never get to see it.” He pouted.

“Oh God,” I said. “Please tell me you are not thinking about getting appointments with all of the doctors associated with this hospital just to find a stupid fish tank.”

He smiled wickedly. “I hadn’t thought about checking the offices. Now that you mention it, though, that would be a great way to find it.”

“Me and my big mouth. I need to learn when to keep it shut,” I groaned.

“No way. You have the best ideas sometimes,” Emmett said. He winked at me, grabbing his tray and standing up. I followed him out of the cafeteria.

After we left, I went back upstairs to Edward. I had been gone long enough, and I couldn’t stay away any longer.

Since he’d woken up, it seemed like there was always something pulling me to him when I was away. It didn’t matter if I had left by choice or not. The tug would start out light, and I’d barely notice it was there. As time went on, though, it increased in intensity until it was almost too much to bear. I didn’t understand why it was there, or where it came from. All I knew was that it only subsided when Edward was close to me.

Entering the room, I saw that his parents were still there, minus the doctor. I was hoping that whatever conversation they’d had would be over with so I could visit with Edward. Esme noticed our return, smiling brightly at us. I really, really wanted to believe that it was good news putting that look on her face. However, I was quite aware that “good news” in her eyes wasn’t always so good for me. I braced myself for the impact.

“So, it seems that Edward will be going to Port Angeles tomorrow,” she said. “Isn’t that exciting, Edward?” She looked over at her son with her cheery expression. His face did not agree with her and looked anything but happy. Pressing his fingers on the plastic in his throat, he looked at her.

“Whatever. I don’t give a fuck, because you won’t let me go home,” he murmured. Edward turned his attention to the television, effectively shutting his mother out.

“Now, Edward, we’ve talked about this. Daddy and I think it would be best if you go, so you can get better. You want to get better, don’t you?” Esme asked.

He continued to ignore her, keeping his eyes on the screen. She sat by him for a few more minutes, and when she realized that he wasn’t going to answer her, she stood up. I could see that his indifference to her had hurt by the look on her face. However, I had a hard time feeling sorry for her. She was treating him like a child, yet again. I didn’t blame him for how he had acted, because she should have known better.

She walked over to her husband, and I took her place. I ran my hand over his shoulder to get his attention. He blinked and then turned toward me, placing his hand back on his throat.

“When did you get here?” he asked. Edward leaned toward me. I closed the distance and placed a small kiss on his lips.

“I haven’t been here long,” I promised. “So, what are you watching?”

“I don’t know. Some stupid show,” he said.

I hummed.

“Hey, did you know I get to leave tomorrow?” he asked. Edward looked into my eyes.

“Uh, yeah. I heard about that,” I said.

“I wanted to go home, but _they_ won’t let me. “ He turned his head, glaring at Carlisle and Esme.

“Now, son, we’ve told you—“ Carlisle began.

His words cut off when Edward flopped down in his bed, scowling at the ceiling. His parents’ insistence that Edward accept his fate was getting us nowhere. I could already tell it wasn’t going to happen. He hadn’t lost his stubborn streak to his injury. They were fighting a losing battle.

I looked over at Emmett, pleading with my eyes for him to say something. He caught my stare and nodded.

“So, um, I found the fish tank,” Emmett blurted out into the room.

Esme sighed. “Oh dear God…not this again. Really, Emmett, it’s just a fish tank. It’s nothing special.”

“But there’s where you’re wrong,” Emmett argued. “The damn thing is famous. Anyone in this hospital knows what I mean when I mention the Fish Channel. “

They continued to go back and forth over the importance of the tank. It had caught Edward’s attention, amusing him. His eyes followed their exchange, and a smile was plastered on his face. I was glad that it had distracted him from his move the next day.

I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but I was ready for the next chapter of his recovery. _So fucking ready_. My time at Seattle General was almost over, and I couldn’t say that I was sad to leave. Edward being transferred to Port Angeles was just another step on his way to getting better and being home.

I’d deal with him not living with me once we were back in Forks. I was confident that I would be spending much more time at his parents’ house than they had thought. Edward had been, and would always be, a huge part of my life. I would follow him wherever he went. 


	20. Sunday

October 17, 2003

I groaned, willing myself to wake up. Stretching my arms over my head, my back protested the action. My decision to sleep on the couch may not have been the best I’d ever had, but since Edward was still in the hospital, I couldn’t bring myself to sleep in our bed. It just didn’t seem right.

It had been three weeks since Edward was transported to Port Angeles. He hadn’t been happy about having to ride in an ambulance for the trip, but they were the best equipped to make the long drive. Once he had been loaded and on his way, the rest of us piled into our cars, leaving Seattle General behind. Somehow, we had made it to the rehabilitation facility first and were given a tour of what they had to offer. To say I was impressed would have been an understatement. They had all the most current equipment, and the staff really knew what they were talking about. Not to mention, they gave us plenty of information to take home. It was their belief that the more we knew about his condition, the better.

I had taken the advice to heart, knowing it would be the best way for me to help Edward. The times I was home were spent searching the web, looking for everything I could find mentioning traumatic brain injury. I wanted to make sure I understood his condition inside and out, including his seizures.

Making my way into the kitchen, I looked for something to eat. I silently thanked Sue once again for stocking up the fridge and basically keeping the house in order while I had been gone. Things like that hadn’t even crossed my mind while in Seattle. My mind had been elsewhere, and I was glad I had people that cared enough about me to help out.

I really owed my father and Sue so much for what they had done for me. Even though I hadn’t kept in touch like I should have, they were there for me. I sighed, knowing I should probably visit them later on. Other than the call I’d made to my father the night I returned to Forks, I hadn’t talked to them in over a month. I felt like the worst daughter in the world. Lunch with the folks was going to be a priority before I made my daily trip to Port Angeles.

An omelet sounded like heaven, so I searched for the ingredients to make myself my favorite kind, chock full of cheese and vegetables. As I prepared the eggs and heated up the pan, my mind drifted to Edward. I really hoped that he wasn’t giving the hospital staff too much trouble, like he’d done the first couple of weeks. He still was adamant about leaving the bed on his own power. No amount of begging or pleading worked, because he’d forget he promised to stay in his bed and would repeat the process.

The nurses had resorted to placing an alarm on his bed, and that didn’t deter him. He’d still try, and they’d come running in to scold him. He was so damn stubborn sometimes. The only time he seemed to cooperate in the last week was when I stayed the night. Needless to say, the nursing staff loved me when I was there.

The hardest was watching him go through his therapy sessions. During the physical part, he would curse and complain the entire time. When his mother was there, she usually irritated him enough that he would just give up. Occupational therapy was no better. Instead of waiting for Edward to figure out answers to the questions the therapists asked, Esme always tried to give the answers for him. Both therapists would admonish his mother, but she just ignored them. She was convinced that he was too damaged to do it on his own. It was almost like she wanted him to fail.

Once my food had finished cooking, I sat at the table and began to eat. While it was hard most nights, coming back home improved my appetite and mental state. I hadn’t noticed at the time, but staying around the stress full time had affected me negatively. Being back in Forks had given me a chance to recharge. Not to mention, I was able to finally put things that had been bothering me into perspective.

I had decided to let my anger at his parents go; it was poisoning me and clouding my mind. Esme and Carlisle were going to do what they were going to do. There was really nothing I _could_ do to stop them. However, I was far from powerless. The information I had acquired about his condition, and continued to acquire, gave me an advantage. I understood better what to expect from his recovery process and the things I could do to help him with it as I read and researched more. I also figured that the occupational therapists and physical therapists would be huge resources from which to learn how best to help Edward.

Carlisle and Esme could continue to play parents to their “mentally-challenged” son, while I would become more equipped to actually help him. It irritated me that Carlisle was a doctor and still had such little hope for his son. Then again, I wondered if situations like these were the reason why most medical professionals weren’t supposed to treat their own family.

 Esme had been right about one thing—I wasn’t as ready to take care of Edward as I thought. My naïve view of just being there wasn’t going to be enough. I had to prepare myself to fight before I actually could fight.

I snorted. It felt like all I had done was fight for the past few months. At times, it seemed like I was almost drowning. I’d come to see that the emotional, knee-jerk reactions I’d been using as my arsenal were not working. They made me look like the young, ill-equipped person everyone perceived me to be. I had to be rational, knowledgeable, and unwavering if I was to stand a chance at being useful to Edward.

~.~.~.~

I gave my father a hug as soon as I walked through the door. It felt nice to be with someone who didn’t actively try to work against me at every turn. Feeling like a jerk for not keeping in contact with him, once again, I squeezed tighter.

“I’m so sorry I didn’t call more,” I mumbled next to his ear.

“There’s nothing to forgive. I knew if you needed me, you’d have called,” he said.

He released me, and Sue took a turn.

“Thank you,” I whispered. “For everything.”

“No need to thank me, dear. That’s what family is for,” she answered.

She pulled back and smiled. I silently agreed with Sue, because she was right. Family was supposed to be there for each other, and I had learned I had one of the best supporting me.

We went to the table where lunch was laid out. There were sandwiches, which I was thankful for. I’d kind of had a large breakfast, so anything more would have had me bursting at the seams. I sat down and dug in.

While I was eating the amazing food that Sue prepared, I thought about talking to them about everything I was feeling. I’d kept it in for so long that I began to wonder if maybe a fresh perspective wouldn’t help me. I was pretty sure about the course of action I wanted to take, but having a second opinion couldn’t hurt. I decided to bite the proverbial bullet and let them know what was going on with me.

I took a deep breath, hoping I wouldn’t sound like a whiney child. “Um, I wanted to ask you guys something.”

Both my father and step-mother paused, waiting for me to continue. I began rambling about everything that had gone on after Sue and Charlie had left Seattle. I told them about Esme and Carlisle’s attitude about Edward, Emmett’s support and how I’d questioned it, Alice’s bitchy attitude, and my own fears and doubts. They sat there and listened, letting me get it all out.

When I finished my tirade, it was Charlie who spoke first. “Well, I, uh…I wish you would have called me, Bella.”

I hung my head. “I’m sorry. I just…I was so wrapped up in the moment, it just got away from me. After that, I was just trying to hold myself together while I dealt with everything.”

“Please don’t misunderstand me. I’m not trying to scold you,” Charlie began. He wiped his hand over his face. “I hate hearing that you’ve been feeling this way and that you had to handle all of that on your own. We would have come back and supported you.”

“I know,” I whispered.

“That being said, I can understand the position that Carlisle and Esme are in,” he said.

I straightened up and looked at him, sure that the betrayal I was feeling showed.

“Losing a child is a parent’s worst nightmare. Almost losing one is just as bad. I’m sure this experience has made them realize everything they’ve done wrong. I can see why they would want to do everything they can to fix their relationship with Edward,” Charlie said, purposely ignoring my hurt expression.

“However, no one has been there for that boy more than you have. It’s no secret that I’ve never been his biggest fan, but I do know that you care for him,” he continued.

“I love him,” I murmured.

Charlie nodded his head. “They’re wrong, Bella.”

My eyes widened.

“It’s not right the way they’re treating him. Messed up in the head or not, Edward is a grown man. He doesn’t deserve what they’re trying to do,” Charlie admitted.

“He’s right, you know,” Sue said. “You were there for him when his parents couldn’t be bothered.”

“What should I do, though?” I asked.

Charlie chuckled. “Edward’s always been a punk. I’m sure he’ll be giving those two hell soon enough. You may not have to do anything.”

I shook my head. “Yeah, he’s already started.”

“They’ll find out they can’t control him and will probably be begging you to take him,” he joked.

“Thanks, Dad,” I said. “You really aren’t mad at me for staying with Edward?”

Charlie was silent for a moment. Truthfully, I was afraid of his answer. If he had told me that I was stupid for staying with Edward, or that he hadn’t approved, it wouldn’t have made me leave Edward, but it would have made things harder on me, knowing that I didn’t have his full support. A small part of me needed him to be behind me. I had very few who thought I was doing the right thing.

He sighed. “Like I’ve said before, you’re a lot like me. When we put our whole heart into something and commit, well, there’s no one that will change our minds. I can’t say I’m thrilled, but that’s just because he hasn’t always treated you right. It’s going to take a while for me to get past that, and Edward’s going to have to show me that he’s going to be better to you. But, no, I’m not mad. You can’t help who you love.”

With that, Charlie picked up his sandwich and started eating. I knew it was the best I was going to get, so I let it go. Really, it hadn’t gone as bad as I’d expected. I smiled as I ate, because I still had my father’s support. Even if he wasn’t one hundred percent behind my relationship with Edward, it meant more than he’d ever know.

We talked for a while after lunch, moving into the living room. It felt good to spend a day with my family, acting normal—even though things were far from it.

~.~.~.~

I made it to Port Angeles Community by evening. Spending time with Charlie and Sue was nice. They had given me the encouragement I needed, helping me feel more refreshed.

Edward was dressed in scrubs and lying down, watching television when I arrived. He had it on some nature program that he seemed fascinated with. I really couldn’t see the appeal, but it was better than a few weeks before when he was just blankly staring at the screen. Seeing him interested in the program showed me that he was starting to take notice of the world around him. I was very encouraged by the development.  

I walked over to a recliner on the other side of his bed and sat down. He noticed right away that I was there, turning toward me.

“Did you know that Gila Monsters are venomous?” Edward asked, placing his fingers on his throat.

“Huh?” I asked, not sure what he was getting at.

“Gila Monsters, those huge lizard things on TV, they’re poisonous,” he explained.

I turned and looked at the screen. There were these weird looking yellow and black lizards running around. I assumed they were what Edward was referring to.

“They can’t actually kill people, but when they bite you, it hurts like hell,” he continued.

“Oh,” I said. “No, I didn’t know that.”

He smiled and continued watching his program. The look on his face suggested he was proud that he was able to teach me something. As I listened to the narrator talk about habitats for the freaky looking lizard, I was quick to realize that he’d remembered something, even if it was only from a few minutes before.

“I must have missed that part. When did they talk about it?” I questioned. I really wanted to confirm my assumption.

“Oh, just before you came in,” he said offhandedly.

“Do you know what this means?” I asked, trying to hold in the squeal that wanted to come out.

He furrowed his brow, not taking his attention from the television.

“You remembered something,” I pointed out.

“I remember lots of things, Bella,” he stated.

It was my turn to give a questioning look.

He gazed at me. “The night I asked you to be my girlfriend, I scared the shit out of you by climbing in your window. You were so pissed earlier in the day, and I had to see you. I was so terrified you were going to tell me to go fuck myself, but you surprised me by saying yes.”

Tears welled up in my eyes as I was overcome with emotion.

“Please don’t look at me like that, baby,” Edward pleaded. “I remember all the important stuff, it’s just things that have happened recently go away sometimes. I’m still in here, even though I’m different.”

The fact that he was aware he wasn’t the same as he was before was daunting. To hear his parents talk, one would think Edward was all but retarded. However, it was clear they were wrong. No one who knew that much about what was going on could be that far gone.

“I’m sorry. It’s just hard. None of the doctors are sure what’s going on with you, because it’s constantly changing. You’re constantly changing. I never know what to believe,” I said. I hoped he understood where I was coming from, even though I wasn’t quite sure where that was.

He nodded his head, looking a little crestfallen.

“Damn it,” I muttered.

 _I was fucking this up big time_.

“Edward,” I said. “I really want to believe that you’re getting better. I just…so many people have told me so many things. It’s not that I don’t think you are. I’ve just been waiting for something, anything from you. I promise, tonight is the first time I have hope that you are.”

“I love you,” he said.

I smiled. “I love you, too.”

I leaned over toward him, kissing him. Our lips moved over one another sweetly in an open mouthed kiss, but neither of us made a move to deepen it. Just feeling him reciprocate my love and adoration was enough.

Slowly, our lips stopped and parted, with me moving back to my original position. Every time I was able to show Edward my love in a physical way, no matter how chaste or innocent it was, seemed like a small miracle. I had learned the hard way that things are never certain, and no one is guaranteed any amount of time with their loved ones. You had to take what you could, hoping they would still be there the next day.

The rest of the evening was spent discussing whatever documentary was on and other mundane things. Edward had become entranced with that kind of programming. It was almost like he wanted to learn and was hungry for the knowledge. I encouraged it whole-heartedly, figuring that any way for him to exercise his brain was good.

I slept on an uncomfortable cot, similar to the one I’d had in Forks the first night after Edward’s accident. Not only did I hate lying on the stupid thing, but it also reminded me of months back when Edward was in a far worse condition. A few times during the night, I’d been woken up by a nurse coming in to check his vitals. I couldn’t help but watch to make sure that he was still okay. It was a fear of mine that everything that had transpired recently was nothing more than a dream, and I would wake up in my hotel room in Seattle. I was certain the nurses knew what I was feeling—they never complained about my interest.

~.~.~.~

October 18, 2003

“Good morning,” a voice called out.

Opening my eyes, a cheery nurse stood beside Edward’s bed. I noticed that he was still asleep and looked over at the clock on the wall. The hands showed it was six-thirty. Ugh. _Do these people ever just let their patients sleep?_

I returned my gaze to Edward, seeing that he had awakened. It was obvious that he was pissed by the frown on his face and the glare he was giving the woman.

“Time to get up, sunshine. We’ve got lots of things planned for today,” the nurse replied.

Edward placed his fingers over his trach. “Then go do them and let me go back to fucking sleep.”

She giggled. “Oh, you’re so cute.”

I figured that was my cue to make my presence known. I sat up and stretched, yawning loudly.

“Make her leave me alone,” Edward pleaded, looking over at me. “I want to go back to sleep.”

I smiled.

“Now, you can’t go back to sleep, Edward,” Nurse Annoying said. “The doctor wants you on a schedule. Besides, that face is too handsome to deny the world its presence by sleeping.”

“O-kay,” I said, having had enough. “That’s highly unprofessional, and unless you want me to report your ass for being too familiar, I suggest you get out of here.”

The nurse, who I learned was named Kate when her name tag came into view, looked at me incredulously. “Well, I never—”

I cut her off. “Yeah, me neither. I’m shocked that some of you still try to hit on him. He’s trying to get better and couldn’t care less about your pathetic attempts at flirting. Now, shoo.”

I waved my hand at her, emphasizing my point. She left in a huff, clearly offended. Like I gave a fuck. Edward shook in silent laughter as he tried to shift himself higher in the bed.

Port Angeles, I had learned quickly, was so much different than Seattle. While some of the nurses there had been bitches, it was nothing compared to the shameless attempts at flirting the nurses tried at the new hospital. How I wished we could have brought Tanya and Charlotte with us. They were the epitome of professional, and I missed them dearly.

I wasn’t the only one who had noticed that the nursing staff on the floor had taken an interest in Edward. Esme had snapped at a couple of girls when they had stepped out of line. They didn’t know it, but both of us were compiling a list of who was and was not going to be allowed to care for Edward. The new one that day, Kate, had just been added. Boy was she going to be surprised when it was taken to her supervisor.

Since Edward was still using a feeding tube, breakfast wasn’t served. He was eager to eat something and would try to bribe and beg for _real_ food. We had to deny him each time, and it killed me to do it. However, they had to test his swallowing reflexes before they could clear him for a regular diet. That wasn’t happening until later in the week. So, I knew going to get something to eat for myself was going to be a fight. I was not looking forward to it, but my stomach was trying to devour itself.

I got up and went to the bathroom to get dressed. Once that was finished, I braced myself for the argument I knew was coming.

“So, um, I’ll be back in a bit,” I said.

“Where are you going?” Edward asked, turning on his side toward me.

I sighed. “I have to eat something before they come and get you for therapy.”

“Bring me back some coffee, a blueberry muffin…oh, and some orange juice,” he said.

“You know you can’t have that,” I pointed out.

“Yes I can. I’m hungry,” Edward stated.

“No, you can’t,” I lectured.

“Fine, just the coffee and muffin.” He pouted.

“Edward,” I whined. “You can’t have anything to eat. No coffee, no juice, and definitely no muffins. If I give it to you and you choke, I’ll be banned from seeing you.”

“I’m not going to tell. Come on, Bella. Live dangerously,” he protested.

I slumped my shoulders, walking toward him. Picking up a laminated sheet on his end table, I sat down next to him.

“See, it says that you are NPO, or nothing by mouth, right here,” I said, pointing to the sheet. “Remember, that means you can’t have anything to eat or drink. You have to wait for the test. You’re not going to starve. They’re giving you food through that tube in your nose.”

He huffed. “It’s not food. It tastes like ass.”

“Yes, baby, I know. But that’s all you can have right now,” I explained.

Not long after he’d arrived at the rehab center, Edward started complaining about the taste of the supplement that was given to him through the tube. I thought he was just being difficult in his quest to actually have food, but then the nurses explained that patients really can taste it. They had no idea why that was the case, but that tidbit confirmed he was telling the truth and not just trying to make excuses.

He eventually let me leave after pouting and telling me that I was mean. I felt guilty that I could eat and he couldn’t, but caving to his demands wasn’t going to aid my resolve to help Edward. I’d always turned a blind eye to what he was doing before without too much complaint. That, I realized, hadn’t been helping things at all, and it was something I’d have to change. So, saying no was going to be something that I’d do quite often.

After I’d eaten, I got back just in time for Edward’s therapy session. The therapist was already in the room, helping Edward into his wheelchair. I stood in the hallway and waited for them to come out. He didn’t look too happy when he was wheeled out of the room, but that was nothing new. Edward, for some reason, hated the people that worked in the physical therapy department. My guess was because they didn’t take his shit and made him exercise anyway.

Each session started out with light stretches, getting him to move his limbs. At first, they were stiff, but he could eventually move them with no problem. What was an issue were his tremors. They didn’t happen all the time, but when they started, it was harder for him to find his balance.

“Okay,” the therapist ,Zafrina, said. “I think we’re going to do some walking today. How do you feel about that, Edward?”

“Do I have to use that old man walker?” he asked.

“Now, Edward, it’s just to help you keep upright. You probably won’t have to use it forever. You’ve been making great progress,” Zafrina said.

“Then you use it. I’m twenty-two, not eighty. I don’t need it,” Edward complained.

“Please cooperate, Edward. They’re just trying to help,” I pleaded.

“This is so fucking stupid,” Edward muttered.

Zafrina stood next to us, watching our exchange.

“The sooner you do what they say, the sooner you can leave this place,” I reasoned.

“Fine,” Edward said.

Seeing that she was going to have Edward’s cooperation for the moment, Zafrina walked over to him, placing a gait belt, which was used to help her support him, around his middle. Once it was secure, she dragged the walker over and placed it in front of Edward. She leaned down, locked the wheels on the chair, moved the foot pedals out of the way, and grabbed a hold of the side of the belt. Edward placed his hands on the walker and began to stand.

An aide came over, unlocking the wheels and getting behind the chair. When Zafrina had helped Edward into a standing position, she waited for a moment until he got his balance. Then Edward took a step at Zafrina’s encouragement, while the aide pushed the chair behind him, leaving a slight amount of space between them.

Edward walked around the large room a few times. It was slow going, but he was doing it. He began to tire after a while, so Zafrina let him sit down. The aide pushed him over to where I was standing.

“Can I go back to my room, now?” Edward asked. “I can walk, so I don’t need to do this anymore.”

Zafrina chuckled. “Oh, you can be done for today, but you still have a long way to go.”

Then she turned and looked at me.

“I’ve been thinking…” she started. “I think it would be a good idea for you and some of the other family members to learn how to transport Edward from this wheelchair to a chair. That way, he can get out of that room more often. I think it would be wonderful for his emotional state.”

“Um, okay,” I said.

For the next few minutes, Zafrina went over the steps to move him from the wheelchair to a chair. I caught on quickly, and then we were doing it for real.

“Make sure you have this belt on him,” she instructed, tugging on it for emphasis. “It’ll give you something more secure to hold onto, and you won’t hurt him during the process.”

I nodded.

“Okay, now you try it,” Zafrina encouraged.

I looked at Edward, and he was smiling. I had him place his arms around my shoulders, gripping the sides of the belt tightly. I told him to stand with me on the count of three, and then once he was upright, I pivoted him slowly to my right. Edward bore most of his weight, so it wasn’t too difficult. Once he was in front of the chair, I set him down slowly.

“Good job,” Zafrina praised. “I’ll let his nurses know you can move him shortly. I’m sure Edward would enjoy getting out more.”

I laughed and helped him back into his chair. Making sure his foot pedals were locked into place, I unlocked the wheelchair breaks and pushed him out of the physical therapy room. We followed Zafrina out to the nurses’ station. She let them know I was the only one allowed to move him to and from his wheelchair and that if the other family members wanted to do it, they would have to talk to her first.

Some notations were made into his chart, and I started pushing him back to his room.

“Hey, we should go outside,” Edward suggested.

“Uh, aren’t you tired?” I asked. I really didn’t want him to push himself. He’d just had a pretty demanding therapy session.

“No, I want to get out of here,” he said.

“Okay,” I relented. “I have to ask first, though. I don’t know if they’ll let you or not.”

Edward stayed quiet as I wheeled him back to the nurses’ station. I cleared my throat to get someone’s attention.

“Yes. Can I help you?” an older nurse asked. She reminded me of a grandmother.

“Am I allowed to take him outside for a while?” I inquired.

“I don’t see why not,” she answered. “Fresh air would do him some good. Just make sure you put a blanket around him. Wouldn’t want Edward to get cold.”

“Thanks,” I said. “I won’t keep him out long.”

She looked down at him with a smile.

“Okay, dear.” She chuckled. “And have fun, Edward.”

 “You’re my favorite nurse,” Edward blurted out. “The others are mean and won’t let me do anything.”

She was laughing hard at his comment.

“I bet you’ll be cursing me later, though,” she said.

“Nope, as long as you let me go outside, I’ll do whatever you want,” Edward admitted.

“I’ll keep you to that,” she playfully warned, shaking her finger at him.

Edward smiled and waved at her as we stopped by his room. Begging Edward to stay put, I ran into his room and grabbed a blanket off of a chair. I came back to where he was still sitting, placing it around his shoulders. We left the unit behind, making our way to the elevators.   

Edward had a small smile on his face when the sliding doors opened. It was slightly chilly out, but the sun shining down made it seem a lot warmer. I pushed him over to a stone bench on the far end of the hospital. I parked his chair perpendicular to it, locked the wheels, and sat next to him.

He leaned down and began messing with the pedals. I asked him what he was doing, but he ignored me. Pretty soon, he had them moved to the sides of the chair and stood up. I panicked, and shot up to stop him.

“Edward…what…stop!” I exclaimed. Even though he’d lost a lot of weight while he was in the hospital, he was still pretty solid, making it impossible for me to do anything other than guide him to the bench. He wobbled a little bit and then plopped down.

I sat down next to him and gave him a dirty look. “Why did you do that? All you had to do was ask, and I would have helped you.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, wrapping his arm around my back. “I just wanted to sit over here. I forgot.”

I sighed, finding it hard to be mad at him. “I understand that you forgot, but you can’t just do things like that. You are going to end up hurting that pretty head of yours.”

I ran my hand across his cheek, staring into his eyes.

“Don’t be mad at me,” he pleaded, leaning his head down and placing his forehead on my shoulder.

“I’m not mad,” I murmured. “I just worry about you.”

His hand grabbed my hip, pulling me into an embrace. I wound my arms around his neck and caressed the hair on the back of his neck. Closing my eyes, I relished in the contact. It was the closest I’d been to him since it had all started. I never thought I’d get to hug him like that again, and the action made me a little emotional.

Too soon, we pulled away from each other. Edward kept his arm around my back, though, and I settled into him. The feel of him around me and next to me was nice.

“What happened, Bella?” Edward asked.

His question caught me off guard. “Um, what do you mean? You’ll have to be more specific, because I’m not sure what you want.”

“Why am I here? I asked Mom the other day, and she acted like I didn’t say anything. When I asked Dad, he said to not worry about it. I need to know, because I don’t understand what happened to me,” he said.

I closed my eyes and cursed his parents silently. _Damn them_. Because they thought of Edward as fragile, they had neglected to help him come to terms with what was going on. Holding off until he asked was one thing, but denying what was going on was another. I wasn’t sure what Esme and Carlisle were trying to accomplish with their denial. However, I wasn’t going to sweep it under the rug, as well.

Whether I liked it or not, Edward deserved to know what was going on. I wasn’t concerned with how his parents would feel about it, either. If they wanted to sugar coat the situation, or down play it, they should have stepped up and said _something_. I wasn’t going to give him anything less than the truth.

“I’ll tell you,” I promised. “But you have to let me know if you don’t understand something I’ve said. A lot has happened in the past few months, and sometimes it’s hard to put into words.”

He nodded his head, waiting for me to begin.

I pulled the blanket Edward was wrapped in tighter around him and started. I told him about the night of the accident, leaving none of the details I knew out. His face showed shock when I recounted the argument and subsequent break up in the bathroom. Edward stayed quiet as I explained what I had been told about the accident itself, making sure he understood that I wasn’t present for that part.

Talking about his stay at Forks’ hospital was hard. As I told him about how out of it he’d acted, I tried to keep my tears in. He must have noticed, because he pulled me tighter to him. Edward looked down at his lap when I described the events that had led to him being air lifted to Seattle General.

Reliving the surgery, his coma, and the day he’d almost died through the story I was telling Edward brought back all of the pain and suffering I’d experienced. It wasn’t easier to deal with the second time around, but I had something that I didn’t have back then—the comfort only Edward could provide.

He sat next to me, hanging on my every word. At times, he stopped me so I could clarify something that he didn’t understand, but for the most part, he stayed silent. Edward’s face was indecipherable, making it hard to know what he was thinking.

I continued on through his waking up and everything else that led to his move to Port Angeles. I had even mentioned the friendship I’d gained with Emmett and told him about Alice. Not wanting any secrets between us, I bared my soul to him.

His head was resting on top of mine when I finished. I was nervous about how he would react as I waited for him to process my words. I’d dumped a lot of information onto him in such a short period of time, and it made me cringe. I worried that it had been too much, and I’d either confused him or agitated him. He had just started to come back fully in the past couple of weeks, and there was no way to tell how he was going to respond.

I couldn’t have stopped if I had wanted to, though. Once the floodgates had been opened, there was no turning back. I’d wished for so long that I could talk to him about what had gone on while it was happening that it was impossible to do anything but let it all out. I felt lighter for the first time since everything had happened, but at what cost? _What is this going to do to Edward, if anything at all?_

He pulled back, gazing down at me. “I’ll understand if you want to walk away. I mean… I would if I were you.”

I sat there, shocked and unable to answer.

“I know I’m fucked up in the head. I won’t be mad if you don’t want to deal with someone like me.”

“I, uh,” I stammered, still trying to process.

“You have to tell me now. I won’t be able to let you go after this if you stay,” he admitted.

_Does he want me to go? Is this his way of getting rid of me? Guess there is only one way to find out._

“Are you saying you want me to leave?” I asked, wary of his answer.

He pulled his arm out from behind me, grabbing my hand in his, making sure his trach was still covered by his fingers.

“No,” he said. Edward swallowed hard. “That’s not what I want at all. I’m just trying to think of what’s best for you, for once.”

His last words rang through my head. _Guess this is the moment I’ve been dreading_. I knew what I wanted, but I wasn’t sure if Edward was willing, or even capable of giving it to me.

“I love you, Edward. I don’t want to leave you,” I said softly.

It was his turn to be shocked.

“Are…are you sure?” he stammered.

“Yes, Edward, I want to be wherever you are. But…I have one condition,” I admitted.

He looked at me with curiosity.

“You have to stop. I can’t, no I won’t, watch you slowly kill yourself anymore. You have to make a choice. It’s either me or the drugs and alcohol,” I said, giving him my ultimatum. I knew it was a shitty thing to do, but it was the truth. I couldn’t go back to the way things were before the accident.

“If I stop, you’ll stay?” he asked.

“I will. I want nothing more than to be with you, but I can’t go back to the way things were before. I can’t go through that again,” I said.

“Okay,” he answered.

“Okay what?” I questioned. I had no idea what he was answering, and he needed to be clear.

“I’ll try to stop,” he said quietly.

I sat there, thinking about his choice. _Could I live with him trying? Could he even guarantee that staying completely sober was possible?_

I realized quickly that no, he couldn’t guarantee anything. When Jasper had told me about Edward’s decision to enter rehab before everything went to shit, I knew there would have been a chance he would go back to his old ways—even after going through the program. It didn’t seem fair, or even logical for me to expect a miracle at that moment. Trying was the best I could hope for, and if he was actively making the effort, it had to be enough.

“All right, I’ll try to stay,” I said, smiling.

He pressed his forehead gently to mine, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. I soaked up the closeness, feeling for the first time that everything would be okay. His hands moved and slid up my sides, sending a shiver through me. Encouraged by my response, Edward tilted his head toward mine. I closed my eyes, and then I felt his lips press against mine.

The kiss started out slow and innocent, like all the others we’d shared since he woke up, until his tongue touched my bottom lip. I gasped, and Edward took advantage of my mouth being open, sliding his smooth muscle in. Fisting his scrub top with one hand, I leaned forward and ran my fingers through the hair on the back of his neck with the other.

I was somewhat aware of him shifting, and then the feel of his hand on my breast caused me to ignite with passion. It had been too long since I’d experienced the sensations running through my body…I’d almost forgotten what it was like. When I felt his other hand graze my cloth-covered center, I whimpered.

One of my hands moved of their own accord, grazing his erection on the outside of his pants. The sounds of panting filled my ears, making it easier to lose myself in him. I tightened my hand around the bulge, moving it up and down. His knuckles pressed harder into me, and his other hand squeezed my chest. Our kisses became frantic, and I could feel the tingling building up inside of me.

A bird chirped off in the distance, snapping me out of my lust-induced haze. I pulled away from Edward, panicking because we’d forgotten we were outside—right in front of the hospital. I heard Edward let out a harsh breath. Looking at him, I could see the scowl on his face. He reached up and put his fingers on his throat.

“Noooooo,” he whined.

“We can’t do this here. We’re outside…in public,” I scolded.

“Well, you can just ride me when we get back upstairs,” he said casually.

“I don’t know if your doctor has cleared you for sex,” I pointed out.

“Well, if not, you can give me a blow job. Hell, I’ll take a hand job,” he said.

I sighed. “Edward, you’re going to drive me crazy.”

“Come on,” Edward said, motioning to the chair. “The sooner we get up stairs and find out, the sooner you can get me off.”

He smiled that crooked smile that made me go stupid, so I helped him into his chair.

~.~.~.~

All of Edward’s plotting went right out the window when we got back to his room. Esme and Alice were sitting inside, looking slightly uncomfortable. Edward groaned as we entered the room and alerted them to the fact we had returned.

“Where have you been?” Esme demanded. “The nurses said you left the floor, and I was worried.”

“Relax, Mom,” Edward admonished. “They said I could leave. It was fine.”

“But…” Esme began.

“The therapist cleared me to transfer him and suggested that going out to get some fresh air would be good for Edward. I was just taking her advice,” I explained.

“Bella, the doctor might not—“ Esme continued.

Edward cut her off. “The nurse said I could.”

I swallowed the argument I wanted to make. Esme wasn’t going to listen to me, so it was pointless to keep going. I moved Edward over to the bed, positioning the wheelchair next to it. Making sure it was locked and the pedals were moved, I grabbed onto the gait belt and let Edward know I was ready.

I could feel their eyes on me as I helped Edward move toward the bed. It creeped me out, but I tried to ignore it as he sat down. I took hold of his legs, helping him swing them up on the mattress. Taking off his slippers, I pulled the covers out from under him and put them over his body. Once I’d locked the rail into place, I unlocked and pushed the chair out into the hall.

Alice was trying to talk to Edward when I returned.

“—glad you’re doing better,” Alice said.

“Whatever. I don’t even remember seeing you, so I don’t believe you’ve been to visit,” Edward accused.

“Edward!” Esme admonished.

“What? Alice never gave a damn before. Why should she now?” he asked.

“That hurts, brother,” Alice said, tearing up.

Edward turned on his side, shutting her out. I watched as she wiped at her eyes, trying to compose herself.

“Well, I guess I’ll go home then, since I’m not wanted here,” Alice said in a huff. She grabbed her purse and stomped out of the room.

I couldn’t believe she had the nerve to act that way. After witnessing her antics, I’d had enough. It was one thing to treat me like crap, but it was something else entirely to make a scene in front of Edward. I had a feeling that she cared more that Edward wasn’t excited to see her than how he was actually doing.

It was time.

I excused myself, telling Edward I’d be right back. When he asked me where I was going, I told him I had something I needed to talk to Alice about. He nodded and motioned for a kiss. I complied, promising him I wouldn’t be long. I walked out the door with purpose.

The bitch was about to go down. 


	21. Scream With Me

October 18, 2003

“Alice!” I called out.

She stopped, turning around at the sound of my voice. Annoyance crossed her face because, I was sure, I’d had the nerve to bother her.

 _Well, too damn bad, bitch_.

When I left Edward’s room, she’d already disappeared from sight. I hurried to the elevator, hoping that I’d be able to catch her. Luck, though, was not on my side. Alice had already gotten on, so I pushed the button for the car. I was trying really hard to not jump to conclusions. Even though Alice had upset me on more than one occasion, I didn’t want that to poison my thoughts. We’d been friends too long for me to just throw it all away out of anger.

Of course, I ended up having to wait for the slowest elevator in the universe. I bounced back and forth on my feet as I waited, trying to do something with the nervous energy coursing through me. After what seemed like forever, the doors opened, and I went inside.

On the ride down, I went over some of the things I wanted to say to her in my head. The biggest issue was finding out what her problem was with me. Alice’s behavior had been strange back in Seattle, and I wasn’t sure what had caused it. I suspected it had something to do with Edward’s accident, but for the life of me, I couldn’t understand what exactly it could have been.

I didn’t blame her for her involvement in the events that led up to his injury. If anything, she had only been part of the tragic domino effect of Edward’s fall. However, I wondered if her attitude was displaced guilt being projected on me.

It still didn’t excuse her actions, though. Alice needed to know using me as a scapegoat was not okay, and it had hurt me. While we hadn’t had the closest relationship, I had still considered her a friend. I wanted to hold onto the belief that I wasn’t wrong about her—that she did really care about me. It was the only way I could justify all of her meddling in the past concerning her brother and I.

The doors opened to the lobby, and I walked out. I still didn’t see her, so I jogged over to the sliding glass doors. Enough was enough. I could tell things were starting to fester inside of me, making it so easy to hate Alice. Just the sight of her nowadays would cause my blood to boil. I didn’t want it to happen, because she was Edward’s sister. Animosity between us wasn’t going to help anything.

Once outside, I looked around, hoping to spot her. Black spiky hair peeked out from in between two cars. I noticed Alice was almost to her own car and was probably getting ready to leave. I called out, hoping to stop her.

She walked over to me, looking like I had asked her to kill a puppy or something. There was a sour twist to her mouth and a glare on her face. I was a little taken aback by her expression.

_Really, what the fuck is her problem anyway?_

“What do you want?” Alice asked coolly. “I have somewhere I need to be. Make it quick.”

_Is she for real here?_

“You and I need to talk, Alice,” I said.

She huffed. “I don’t have time for this.”

Alice began to walk off, and it was the last fucking straw. Every realization I had come up with to make her look less like a villain evaporated into thin air. I was tired of being looked at like I was less than nothing. I was tired of her snide comments. I was tired of not knowing why her attitude toward me had changed almost overnight.

I was just so fucking tired. I wasn’t going to take it anymore.

I went after her, grabbing her by the arm to pull her back.

“Get your hands off of me, bitch,” Alice seethed.

I removed her from my grasp. “Well, _bitch_ ,” I said, sneering the word. “If you hadn’t walked off like your time is the most important thing in the world, I wouldn’t have had to grab you.”

“Who the hell do you think you are?” Alice asked. Her face turning red from her anger.

“Who the hell am I?” I shot back. “Who the fuck are you? You walk around like you’re better than everyone else, and I ,for one, am sick of it.”

“Watch it, Bella. You really don’t want to get into this with me,” Alice warned.

“Oh, I think I do,” I promised.

“Fine, but I’m not doing this here,” she said.

Alice stomped off over toward the benches I’d sat on with Edward earlier. I wasn’t sure what the point was—they offered no more privacy than the parking lot we’d been standing in. I humored her, though, following her.

She plopped down on one with obvious irritation. I ignored her attitude, deciding to sit on a separate one next to her.

“Talk,” she demanded. “You’re the one who wanted this.”

“All right, fine,” I said sarcastically. “What is your problem, Alice?”

A humorless chuckle escaped her.

“What’s my problem?” she asked. “You want to know what my problem is?”

“Yes,” I answered. “You’ve been acting like a first class asshole, and I want to know why.”

She narrowed her eyes. “You. Are. My. Problem.”

For the second time that day, I was speechless. Needless to say, it was not the answer I was expecting. Racking my brain, I couldn’t come up with a single reason why she’d say those words.

“If Edward had dumped you a long time ago, like I told him to do, none of this would have happened. He would be clean and probably married with kids by now. But, no, you just had to dig your claws in him. I know that you can’t possibly love him—you’ve shown that you don’t many times over. What was it—the money, Bella? Is that what you were after?” she revealed.

Of all the things she could have said to me, she had to pick those words. I knew Edward might have had a better life had he not met me. However, the picture she painted was way off base. I’d lived with Edward for a few years, and I was certain whoever he ended up with would have had some of the same problems I’d had with him. Edward’s drug use was well ingrained into him by the time I came along. There was no way he would have stopped for someone else.

The dig about the money hurt the worst. I’d refused access to it many times, and yet she was accusing me of being a gold-digger. I was beginning to wonder if she lived in her own world, or if she just liked to make things up.

“Are you fucking kidding me with this shit?” I asked. “Obviously, we have two different perceptions of the past few years, because that’s not the way I saw things.”

“Surprise, surprise,” Alice mocked. “Bella has a different viewpoint.”

I ignored her jab, knowing it wouldn’t help things if the conversation morphed into us trading personal attacks.

“I don’t give a damn about his money, Alice,” I revealed. I hoped that pulling apart her argument piece by piece would show her how wrong she was. “If I did, I’d already have full access to it. He tried to put me on the account, and I told him no. It’s his, not mine. I wasn’t comfortable with being able to get into it without talking to him first.”

She scoffed. “Like my brother was that stupid. He never did that.”

The confidence she had in her words was staggering. It was like she didn’t know Edward at all.

“You can ask Jasper if you don’t believe me. I’m sure Edward told him,” I offered.

Alice glared. “You’re lying. Jasper would have told me. He tells me everything.”

“I wasn’t aware that you and Jasper were all buddy, buddy now,” I said. I’d had my suspicions for a while, and I was hoping she would confirm them.

“Oh, there’s a lot you don’t know,” Alice said snidely. “But, if you must know, Jasper and I are together now.”

I closed my eyes, wishing I’d not just heard those words. The two of them together would be a colossal fuck up waiting to happen. I realized it was selfish to think that way, but because they were two of the most self-serving people on the planet, nothing good could come from their union. Each would not only try to destroy the other, but also those around them as they pulled them into their drama.

“He’s quitting for me, you know,” she admitted. “Jasper went to rehab so he can get better. He loves me enough give it all up.”

She chuckled and a smug grin formed on her face.

“Did you know that Edward was going to rehab, too? He told Jasper it was the only way you’d stay with him. I have to give you credit—it was a good move. You had my brother so wrapped around your finger, he’d do anything. It just wasn’t good enough for you, though, was it? You had to push him to the point where he’d do something stupid. How does it feel to know that you ruined everything and almost killed Edward?” she asked.

For the second time, what I thought I knew about one of Edward’s family members shattered before my eyes. Alice wasn’t even close to the person I had believed her to be. Instead, a selfish, bitter, uncaring, and altogether sad human being sat before me, spewing lies and hatred. 

A small part of me felt guilty for my actions that night, but I knew I wasn’t as much to blame for the accident as Alice was claiming. I didn’t deserve the accusations she was hurling at me, and I was done listening to her. I straightened my shoulders and looked her in the eye.

“I did know Edward was going to rehab. Jasper told me while Edward was still in Seattle,” I admitted. “If you think that things would be perfect now if Edward had gone, then you are dumber than I thought.”

Shock lit up her features, but I didn’t give her a chance to respond. I was just getting started.

“Going to rehab would not have guaranteed that he would be drug-free, Alice. He would have the tools to stay sober, yes. However, he also would have had to want to stay clean. Can you sit here and tell me that you know, without a doubt, that Edward would have done it?”

She sputtered a couple of times, proving my point.

“There was no magic cure, Alice. Just because Edward was going to go, and Jasper did go, doesn’t mean anything. Jasper will have to work at staying away from the drugs. Edward, well, he’s already detoxed. He’ll have to want to stay away from them, too.

“I’ve made mistakes, Alice. I live with them every day and have come to terms with what I’ve done. If you think for a second some other girl would have done better than me, well, that is where you’re mistaken. No one loves your brother more than I do. Most girls would have given up on him long ago when they realized they couldn’t control him. The difference between them and me is that I never wanted control over him. I just wanted his love and to feel like I was more important than the drugs.

“We fought that night because I’d had enough of being treated like I was second in his life, behind the chemicals. Did I go about things wrong? Probably.  At the time, I felt backed into a corner. I regret the way things played out that night, more than you will ever know.

“For you to sit here, though, and try to place all the blame on me is bullshit, Alice. I wasn’t the only one who made a bad decision that night. Had you not been so determined to put your two cents in and piss Edward off even more, he wouldn’t have fallen off the car. I never blamed you for your part, but I’ve changed my mind. Your selfish need to _show_ Edward just how upset you were is the reason he’s here now. You’ve never been able to just let things go and have always tried to push him past his breaking point. This time you almost killed someone. How does it feel to know that your direct actions almost killed your brother?”

Alice sat there silent, with tears streaming down her face. Looking at her, I couldn’t find the desire to feel bad for her. She’d pushed me, hard, to the conclusion I’d come to. It wasn’t at all how I wanted the conversation to go, but I wasn’t going to sit there while she attacked me and stay quiet. Alice would have to live with all of the choices she’d made by herself. I was done.

I stood up and walked away, leaving Alice sitting on the bench. I had more important things to do than listen to another word come out of her mouth. In some small way, I mourned the friendship I’d thought we’d had. However, it had been based on lies, and mistrust on her part, it wasn’t hard to get over.

~.~.~.~

October 24, 2003

The rest of the week was uneventful. After putting Alice in her place, she seemed to disappear off the face of the earth. I was aware it was probably because of my words, but I didn’t care. Her presence in the few minutes she had visited Edward only seemed to agitate him, so I was glad she’d made herself scarce. Esme was upset Alice hadn’t made more of an effort to see Edward and had no idea why. The fact she had kept our exchange from her mother surprised me. I was sure she’d go running to Mommy so she could tell her what a horrible person I was. However, it never happened. Either way, it didn’t matter to me. I was just glad that things weren’t complicated by Alice’s hurt feelings.

I’d gone home each night for the rest of the week, giving Esme a chance to stay with her son for a couple of nights. The two of us had agreed it would be a good thing to stay with him a few nights a week, so we could spend some quality time with him. There were some nights that Edward was alone for the night, though. It’d been suggested in the beginning by the doctors, so he wouldn’t become dependent on any one of us. Edward had calmed down after the first couple of evenings by himself when he found out that he could use the phone.

It wasn’t uncommon anymore for me to get a call at three a.m. from Edward. The doctors had been trying to get him on a normal sleeping schedule, and at first, it had worked. The last few days, though, it was like a switch had been flipped. Edward could no longer sleep normally, starting to resist it at every turn. He’d sleep for a couple of hours at a time throughout the day and end up staying up almost all night. During that time, he’d get bored and wanted to talk to someone.

His parents, Emmett, and I had all been called at various times during the night. Esme and Carlisle had taken them without complaint the first few times, and then asked that he not be allowed to call at night. Emmett was more understanding, taking them every so often, but not always. He was still in Seattle until Friday and had to be up early most days. He was in the final stages of selling his company, trying to get finished as fast as possible so he could be there for Edward.

I, however, didn’t mind being called one bit. Even though his parents had told the staff not to let him make any calls at night, I let the staff know that an available nurse could call for him at any time. He hadn’t been banned from making phone calls altogether. It was up to the individual as to whether or not they wanted to be contacted.  I knew he did it because he was lonely and bored. Being aware of that fact, and not doing anything about it, would have kept me up anyway. So, I answered every time he called.

Friday was important for another reason besides Emmett finally returning. It was also the day scheduled for Edward’s test to check his swallowing reflexes. I had agreed to come that morning when Esme had called me and asked me to. She had a doctor’s appointment she couldn’t get out of and wanted me to be there since she couldn’t. I was more than happy to do it.

The test itself was pretty straightforward. Edward was given different consistencies of foods to eat and liquids to drink while a Speech Language Pathologist, or SLP, watched as he swallowed. Two of the drinks looked really gross with thickening powder in them. One was like pudding, one like syrup, and another was like regular water. The foods ranged from Jello and pudding to soups and a grilled cheese sandwich.

The SLP started with the pudding-like liquid, dipping a spoon into the cup and offering it to Edward. For the first few seconds, he looked like he was going to argue with James, the SLP administering the test. However, he must have decided against it, because he opened up and took the spoon into his mouth. I held my breath as I watched with the SLP as Edward swallowed. I waited to see the signs of choking begin, and when it didn’t happen, I let the air escape from my lungs.

James made a few notations on a clipboard he had picked up and started with the pudding. It went on with each item brought—James would have Edward put a food or drink into his mouth, and chew if necessary, and then he would watch him swallow. One by one, I grew confident that his swallowing reflexes had not been damaged by the head injury or the tracheotomy they’d had to perform in Seattle.

“It looks like Edward is ready for solid food,” James mused as he finished writing. “I’m sure the nurses on the floor will be happy about this development, too. I hear you’ve been giving them flack for refusing to give you anything.”

James looked up at Edward with a smirk.

“Yep,” Edward stated proudly, pushing on the plastic tube in his throat. “I told them I could eat. No one ever believes me.”

“I know, man,” James said. “You were right, but we just have to make sure. Wouldn’t want anything to happen to you in case it had gone the other way, you know?”

Edward sighed. “Whatever. When can I get some real food?”

James chuckled. “I’ll let your doctor know the results. Hopefully, they’ll be in here later to take that tube out, and you can have some lunch.”

“They better. I’m starving,” Edward said.

“Be patient,” I scolded Edward playfully. “Let the poor man do his job.”

“Fine, but if I don’t get lunch, I’ll start hitting my call button every five minutes. Then they won’t be able to ignore me,” Edward warned.

“That’ll give the lazy ones something to do.” James guffawed.

“Thanks,” I said.

“No problem,” James answered, gathering the tray of food and his clipboard. “Have a good day, you two.”

James exited the room, leaving Edward and I by ourselves. Edward began discussing the various foods he wanted now that he had been cleared. I listened to him name them while I tried to hold back the cartwheels I wanted to turn. It was such a relief to know there was one thing that hadn’t been affected by his accident. His ability to swallow seemed small in comparison to all the other challenges Edward would have to face, but it was a victory, nonetheless.

True to his word, Edward began pushing the call button in five minute intervals when he saw the lunch cart and wasn’t given a tray. The nurses were pleasant with him the first couple of times, explaining they were waiting on the doctor to change his diet order. The last time, though, a nurse came in and threatened to take away his call button. I argued with her that it was against patients’ rights to do so, and she stomped off.

_Bitch. Looks like another one goes on the list._

I tried to keep Edward occupied with a deck of cards I’d brought with me. It worked for a while until I’d won three games of Rummy, and he called me a cheater. We tried watching a few programs after that, but by three o’clock, Edward had had enough.

“This is bullshit!” Edward exclaimed. “I’m going to starve, and nobody gives a damn!”

“Edward,” I chastised lightly. “Please calm down. Do you want me to see if they’ve heard anything from the doctors yet?”

“Yes,” he said, looking at me.

I stood up, walking toward the door. My progress was interrupted by a man in a white coat, a new doctor, and a woman dressed in scrubs crossing the threshold. _Finally_ , I thought. _It only took them five hours to get here._

 _Wonderful. Now I’m beginning to sound like Edward in my head_.

“So, are you ready to get rid of the feeding tube?” the doctor asked.

“I was ready when that guy said I could have real food. Where have you been?” Edward asked.

The doctor, Dr. Ben Cheney, laughed lightly. “Sorry, I had an emergency earlier. I got here as fast as I could.”

“Oh,” Edward replied.

As the doctor began explaining what he was about to do to Edward, I realized something. Edward seemed to deal with situations that annoyed or upset him better if things were clarified for him. It was something I’d done from the beginning, because I wanted to make sure he understood me. When I thought about it, though, I could see why knowing what was going on around Edward would help keep him calm. I knew that if I wasn’t aware of what was happening to me, I’d be pissed. So, in a way, it wasn’t his injury that demanded to know exactly what was happening, but rather, it was Edward’s own common curiosity.

I was well aware it was hard, at times, to distinguish which of Edward’s mannerism or demands were products of the accident or just a part of his nature. Edward had become a new person since he’d woken up, yet I still saw signs of the man he was beforehand.

I was jerked back to reality by the sounds of coughing.

“That’s it,” Dr. Cheney praised.

I watched as Edward coughed and Dr. Cheney pulled on the tube. It was, in my opinion, one of the grossest things I’d ever witnessed. I had to turn my head, not able to take the sight. The sound of retching made me tear up. I had never been able to deal with any type of pain that involved Edward, and that time was no different.

Eventually, the sounds of discomfort stopped. I turned back and saw a plastic basin on Edward’s lap filled with a thin tube covered in fluids. I cringed, looking up at Edward’s face. He seemed all right, just slightly worse for wear.

“Your throat and nasal passage may be sore for a while,” Dr. Cheney explained. “It’s normal and will go away within the next day or two. As long as you don’t try to push yourself too hard with talking, or eating rough foods, you should be fine.”

“Can I eat now?” Edward asked, his voice slightly rough.

The doctor chuckled, handing the basin to the nurse standing next to him. She took it and left the room.

“Yes. I’ll have a nurse go get something from dietary,” Dr. Cheney said.

He did a quick check up on Edward, making notes in his chart, and then left.

“My throat feels like sandpaper,” Edward stated.

I ran my fingers across the skin of his neck.

“I’m sorry. Do you want me to see if they can give you anything?” I asked, wanting to help somehow.

He cleared his throat. “No, I want food.”

Not long after the doctor left, a nurse came in with a tray of food. She placed it on a rolling table next to Edward’s bed, moving it so it was positioned over him.  Edward scooted up and took inventory of what was laid out before him. The nurse asked if he needed anything else, and when he declined, she left.

With slightly shaky hands, he began opening a carton of milk. I looked at the food and was secretly glad I wasn’t the one that had to eat it. Plates with lumpy mashed potatoes, gravy covered mystery meat, and a sad looking salad covered his table. In my opinion, a more revolting first meal couldn’t have been picked out. I kept silent, though, because as far as I knew, it was the best tasting meal ever.

The first bite proved me wrong. Edward spit out the mashed potatoes into a napkin seconds after placing them into his mouth.

“Ugh,” he complained. “I’m not eating that shit.”

“Um, I think the cafeteria is closed at this hour. They won’t open up again until dinner time. Maybe I can see if the nurses have anything else you can have,” I said, rambling.

“No,” he argued. “I’m not eating anything else here. It’s gross.”

“Well, what do you want? Since you can eat whatever you want now, I don’t think it’ll be a problem to go get you something. I’ll just check with them on my way out,” I mused, beginning to rise.

“Don’t leave,” he said. “Just call someone and have them bring me some food.”

 “Let me see if I can first,” I said.

Edward was about to argue, but I gave him a look that begged him to let me. He settled back in his bed, pushing the table with the offending food to the side. I blew him a kiss and walked out of the room.

It was only a few steps from Edward’s room to the nurses’ station. When I made it to the desk, I leaned over, hoping someone would see me. Carmen, the older nurse that allowed Edward and me to go outside the other day, turned in my direction. She smiled when she saw me, walking over.

“What does Edward need this time, Bella?” she asked with a slight chuckle.

“Oh, didn’t you hear? Edward’s allowed to eat now,” I said in a playful tone. “He hates what he was given, though. Can I have someone bring him something? Is there anything he’s not supposed to have?”

“Hey, Maria, you owe me ten bucks,” she said to the woman sitting behind her.

“Damn it,” Maria muttered. She handed Carmen some money.

“You bet on whether or not he’d eat that, didn’t you?” I chastised in a mocking tone.

“Of course. I knew he’d raise hell when they gave it to him. I was just surprised he did it so quietly.”

I laughed. Carmen was my favorite nurse in the unit. When she had Edward as a patient, she was constantly joking around with him.Sshe was one of the only members of the nursing staff that treated him like a person. Truthfully, she and Maria, another elderly nurse, were the only ones. The others either looked at him like they were hoping he’d fall for them, because they took care of him, or treated him like he was mentally challenged. Both types pissed me off, and each time I came to see Edward, I hoped I’d see Carmen taking care of him.

“Don’t tell Edward you bet on him. He’d demand his cut,” I said.

“Oh, I know. I wouldn’t tell him for anything. I need a new purse.” She chuckled. “But yes, he can have anything he wants. Just make sure he doesn’t try to eat too fast.”

“I can do that,” I said. “Thanks, Carmen.”

“Not a problem,” she answered, waving me off.

When I went back into Edward’s room, he was looking at me expectantly.

“So, do I get to eat, or am I going to have to start throwing a fit?” he asked.

“Knock it off,” I said. “Carmen was out there, and she said you could have whatever you want as long as you don’t inhale it.”

 “I love her. Why can’t she be my nurse all the time?” he mused.

“I don’t know,” I said. I walked over to where my purse was sitting next to the chair I’d been sitting in. I picked it up and rummaged around, trying to find my phone. Once I located it, I placed my handbag back on the floor and sat in the chair.

“Who are you calling?” Edward asked as I dialed. His brow was furrowed.

“I’m calling Emmett. He said he’d be here at five, and it’s almost five now. Maybe I can catch him before he gets here,” I said.

Edward began to say something, but stopped as I said hello to Emmett after he picked up.

 _“Hey there, Blue Bell. What’s going on?” Emmett said_.

“Not much, Em. Hey, where are you?” I asked.

_“I’m about twenty minutes away from the hospital. Why? Is everything okay?” he asked, his voice rising._

“Everything’s fine,” I said, hoping to assuage his panic. “I’m calling because they cleared Edward for solid food today. They brought in a tray earlier, and he said the food tasted horrible. Is there any way I can talk you into getting him something?”

_“Really?” he exclaimed. “You don’t have to ask. Just tell me what he wants, and I’ll get it.”_

“Okay, I’ll ask him,” I said. “No, wait. You can just ask him yourself.” I chuckled.

I handed the phone to Edward, who took it quickly and placed it at his ear. _Looks_ _like someone is eager to get something decent_ , I mused internally.

“Yeah,” Edward said, with one hand holding the phone and the other on his throat. “Uh-huh…I don’t care where you go…I just want a cheeseburger and fries…Oh, and a Coke…Yep, that’s it.”

He handed it back to me.

“So, we’ll see you in a bit, then?” I inquired.

_“What do you want?” Emmett asked._

“I’m good,” I said, trying to end the conversation.

_“Yeah, that’s not going to work. Tell me what you want, or I’m picking it for you. You have to eat, Blue Bell.”_

“I am eating,” I said, defending myself. I noticed out of the corner of my eye that Edward had a disapproving expression on his face _. Damn Emmett_.

_“I don’t believe you. What’ll it be?” he questioned._

“Fine, surprise me. I don’t care,” I said annoyed. “By the way, you suck, Emmy Bear.”

_“Yep,” he said. “See you soon.”_

I ended the call and placed the phone back in my bag. Turning toward the television, I could feel Edward’s eyes on me. I sighed, knowing I was going to have to discuss what he’d heard.

“Just say it,” I said, looking at Edward.

“Why is Emmett so concerned with you eating?” he asked.

“Well.” I paused. “I, uh, food was the last thing on my mind, there for a while,  in Seattle. I had more important things to worry about.”

“Christ,” Edward uttered under his breath.

He was silent after that, so I stayed quiet. I worried about what he was thinking as he lay there. What I had said was the truth, though. I did have more important things on my mind than shoveling food down my throat. Edward had been in a life and death situation, and at the time, I didn’t give a damn about my own well being. It had come second to the crisis going on around me. However, based on his unwillingness to discuss things further, I was sure that Edward didn’t approve of my choices.

We stayed like that until Emmett arrived, carrying two large bags. I jumped up to help him, and he shooed me away.

“Back off. I got it,” Emmett chastised in a playful voice.

He walked over to Edward, looking at the “food” on the rolling table.

“Damn, dude. No wonder you had your girl call me. That shit looks vile,” he observed.

“It tasted bad, too,” Edward admitted, raising the head of his bed to sitting position. “So, you bring my cheeseburger, or what?”

“Of course I did. I figured we could all eat together,” Emmett said.

“Works for me. Pass it here,” Edward responded.

Emmett cleared the substandard meal off of Edward’s table and took it to the nurses. When he came back, he began handing out food. Edward got his cheeseburger and fries, and it was like all was right in his world. I couldn’t help but smile when I saw the joy on his face.

I ate my chicken sandwich while Emmett devoured whatever sub sandwich he’d gotten. Neither of us, though, could help watching Edward. It was almost like we were waiting for him to choke or something. He must have taken Carmen’s advice seriously, because he consumed his food slowly, savoring each bite. I knew that it had to be better than what he was served before.

When we were finished, Edward had eaten about half of what he’d been given. I’d only fared a fraction better. Emmett was looking at me with a scowl. I knew he was not happy with me, but I was used to him getting on me for how much I’d eat.

“That’s all you’re going to eat?” Emmett scolded.

“Uh, yeah,” I said. “I told you I wasn’t hungry.”

“Was she always like this?” Edward asked.

“Dude, you have no idea. Some days I was sure I’d have to shovel it in and make her chew manually,” Emmett complained.

“It wasn’t that bad,” I murmured.

Emmett scoffed, and I glared at him.

“I’m such an asshole. If I hadn’t been on that car, you wouldn’t be doing this to yourself,” Edward admitted.

“Edward, no—”I began.

He cut me off. “No, bullshit. It’s because of me that you’re so worried you can’t eat.”

He slumped back in the bed, crossing his arms and leaning back. I looked into Edward’s eyes, and his gaze dared me to argue with him. I hung my head, not knowing how to counter his words.

“He’s right…to a degree,” Emmett admitted.

“See,” Edward said.

Emmett turned to Edward with a serious expression on his face. “But, man, how she acted while you were under isn’t your fault.”

Edward was silent, and I was afraid of how he was taking Emmett’s words. I didn’t want Edward to blame himself for what had happened while he was in a coma. That was all my doing. I knew I should have eaten anyway, but it was just hard to when he was wasting away.

Emmett stood. “Hey, I’ll be back in a few. I’m going to go check something out.”

He left the room, and I knew it was so we could talk. Emmett was anything but subtle, but I appreciated the gesture. I got up and sat on the edge of the bed, facing Edward.

“I don’t blame you for anything,” I said, taking hold of his hand resting in his lap. He looked down at our intertwined fingers.

“You should. I don’t remember that night—at all. So, I can’t give you a reason or an explanation as to why I did it,” he mused. “I wish I could take it back, but I can’t.”

“I know,” I said.

I leaned up, placing a small peck on his cheek. “It’s just, so many things went wrong that night, and so much has happened—I don’t have it in me to blame you. The way I see it…it was everyone’s fault and no one’s fault at once. We can’t change it. We just have to move on. I love you, and I’m not willing to walk away because of the past. All I want is for you to keep your word.”

“I love you, too,” Edward vowed. “I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I know I have in the past, and I’m going to try really hard to change. It would kill me for you to walk away now. You’re everything to me.”

He captured my lips with his own, opening them and sliding his tongue across the crease in mine. I allowed him inside, deepening the kiss. We went from sweet to heated in seconds, giving in to the passion that our bodies demanded. A throat clearing made us break apart slowly.

“Um, sorry,” Emmett said.

“Damn, bro. You too?” Edward complained. “Why does no one want me to get laid?”

Edward flopped backwards in an overdramatic huff. Emmett looked like he was going to burst out laughing but held it in. I shook my head and was amused at both of them.

“I can go find a nurse to flirt with if you want,” Emmett suggested. “I’ll give you guys a couple of hours to do the deed.”

“Yeah, go do that,” Edward said. “Wait, what about Rose?”

“Oh, you haven’t heard, have you?” Emmett asked.

Edward furrowed his brow. “No.”

“I’m divorcing Rose. We’re finished.” Emmett chuckled humorlessly.

“About fucking time, Em. That bitch was bad news,” Edward stated.

“Tell me about it,” Emmett said. “I should have listened to you.”

“Yes, you should have. I’m always right,” Edward added.

“God, I’ve missed you, bro. Hasn’t been half as fun without you,” Emmett admitted.

Edward smiled. “Of course it wasn’t. I’m one of a kind.”

“You are, brother,” Emmett said. “I’ll see you guys in a bit.”

Emmett walked out of the room, leaving me with my horny boyfriend.

“All right, go shut the door,” Edward said.

“Edward,” I whined. “Can we please wait until we talk to your doctor? I’m afraid I’ll hurt you. I promise, once they clear you, I’ll screw your brains out.”

He huffed. “Fine, but we’re not leaving the bed for a week when he does. I miss being inside you.”

I shivered. “You’re not helping my resolve.”

“In that case, I can’t wait until I can eat—” he started.

I placed my hand over his mouth, stopping the words. “How about we cuddle?”

I removed my hand, pleading with my eyes.

“Okay,” he said. “You win.”

Edward moved over a small amount, and I lay next to him on my side. He had the arm under me wrapped around my shoulders. I laid my head on his chest, running my hand over his cheek and looking up at him.

“We should cut your hair,” I blurted out.

It had grown out, but the patch where he had been opened up for the surgery was still there. His scar was more prominent with the short chunk surrounding it, but neither bothered me. I just thought that maybe he might like to have everything even.

“I’m not cutting it until we go home,” he said.

 _Home_.

I’d realized that it didn’t matter where home was. I just wanted to get Edward out of there. If home was going to be at his parents’ house for an undetermined amount of time, then so be it. It didn’t matter anymore. Home was wherever Edward was, and his parents were just going to have to deal with the fact that I wasn’t leaving his side.

 _Looks like my ass is going to move into Casa Cullen when Edward does_. 


	22. Don’t Take Me for Granted

October 20, 2003

Whether or not we were ready, the day had come for Edward to be released.

Esme, Carlisle, Emmett, and I had met with the doctor a few days before. We were told that he felt Edward would be better suited to finish the rest of his physical therapy at home. That, according to him, there were simple things he still needed work on. However, we all knew the real reason.

They were tired of his antics, and he was being kicked out.

Edward hadn’t really changed how he dealt with the medical staff on the unit, but the nurses were the ones who had gotten tired of him telling them off. Since he didn’t like being talked down to, and wouldn’t keep quiet about it, they’d had enough of him. The doctor seemed to be trying to keep the peace by recommending Edward go home.

In all honesty, his leaving wasn’t going to hurt his progress. He was walking better with the help of a walker, had been eating fine, and there had been talk of removing the trach. It was just that he could have benefitted from a couple more weeks of physical and occupational therapy at the hospital. Esme and Carlisle had latched onto the idea of him going home, so I knew there would be no fight to keep him.

I let it go, because Edward was happy to be leaving the place. So, how could I really argue? We would have a doctor on site, and three other people that were capable of taking care of him. There was really no reason for him to stay any longer.

When I found out that Emmett would be moving into his parents’ house, I was relieved. He hadn’t been able to find a house in the short amount of time he’d been looking, so he decided living at home would work for the time being. Esme was pleased, because she’d have both her sons under the same roof.

Telling Esme I was moving in, too, hadn’t been as big of a deal as I had feared. She was excited, though not in the way I had hoped. The woman had plans and ideas about how things were going to work out. It was like she had decided that Emmett and I were there for the purpose of assisting her, while she played the role of Super Mom. At least, that was how I saw it.

Again, though, it didn’t matter. Edward was still resistant to his parents’ insistence on taking over his life. He fought every suggestion they threw at him at each turn. To say he was livid when he found out that he would not being going home with me, but with them, was a vast understatement. The only thing that did calm him down was the fact I was going to stay with him while he was there.

His parents had gone completely overboard in their preparations for his arrival. I’d found out they had converted a downstairs den into a “bedroom” for him. That part didn’t upset me; keeping him from having to climb stairs was smart. Not to mention, it was a necessity. However, there were other things that just screamed of their inability to see Edward as a grown man.

Esme had made out meal plans specifically for Edward, full of food that was going to go to waste, because it was stuff he wouldn’t have eaten.  Carlise and Esme had decided that, with his memory loss, Edward was not responsible enough to take his medications and said they would be in control of them. Never mind that Emmett or I would have been capable of doing it, but even we weren’t mature enough for the job, apparently.

Slip-resistant strips had been installed in the downstairs bathtub, as well as a shower chair. All decorative objects had been moved from the lower floor, in case they _might_ be a tripping hazard…even if they had no chance in hell of being so. Also, they’d decided that, at night, the door to his room should be open so they could hear him if need be.

Everything they had done to prepare for his departure from Port Angeles reminded me of a couple bringing home their newborn. The realization led to large amounts of frustration and anger on my part. I was offended for Edward, because it was not how you treat an adult, no matter what their mental state was, in my opinion.

The moment his parents had found out Edward was allowed to eat normal food was one I probably wouldn’t forget. Their actions played over and over again in my mind.

_Emmett had come back into the room, after giving Edward and I some alone time, and we talked about the past. It was our way to see how much Edward remembered, as well as helping jog his memory. It might not have been the greatest way to find out, but I felt it was better than the way Carlise and Esme did things. His mom threw questions at him until she pissed him off, and his Dad went into professional Dr. Cullen mode, treating him like Edward was his patient._

_They arrived an hour later to see how things had gone. I told them what had happened, and Carlisle was a little upset that the staff had allowed Edward outside food. He began rambling about the benefits of the food from dietary—how it was full of nutrients, enzymes, and other doctor mumbo jumbo. Honestly, I tuned him out because I didn’t understand most of it. Emmett, though, couldn’t let what they had said go._

_“How can you say that?” Emmett said. “If you would have seen what they gave him, you would have opted to eat something else, too.”_

_“Emmett, he has to eat specific things. He has been without proper nourishment for months. A meal from dietary would have benefited him,” Carlisle explained in his haughty doctor tone._

_“You eat it, then,” Emmett countered._

_“Now, Emmett—” Carlisle began._

_“He’s right. There is no way I’ll eat that crap,” Edward added. “I’d rather starve.”_

_Edward hadn’t been kidding, either. He refused any and all food that came from the hospital. Esme tried ordering him to eat, but it didn’t work. She went with guilt trips next, saying that going on a hunger strike was causing her stress. She even included me in her power play, but I had told him, when she wasn’t around, that as long as he ate something, I didn’t care what it was._

_Emmett went behind his parents’ backs and would get Edward food when they were gone. He didn’t agree with how they were handling things, taking matters into his own hands. When Carlisle found out, he was pissed. Emmett had laughed and asked Carlisle, “What are you going to do, ban me from seeing Edward?”  He followed up his question with a threat. He promised that he’d do whatever it took to make sure his brother was taken care of, even going as far as saying a lawyer would be an option if he was pushed._

So, there was a stalemate between Emmett and his parents. Each knew that the other would react if things went too far on either side. I stayed out of the mess, figuring they could fight it out on their own. My attention was on the actual care of Edward. Emmett seemed to take his new role of big brother seriously, and I knew if it came down to it, he would side with me.

Emmett and I had come to an understanding during those agonizing months in Seattle. He knew that I would always be there for Edward, no matter how hard it got, as long as the drugs and alcohol weren’t a part of the equation. I realized that Emmett was aware of how bad he’d fucked things up in his relationship with Edward, and he was committed to play whatever role was needed to make up for it…whether as a protector,  friend,  confidant, ally, or caregiver. The last one, I knew, would only happen if Edward couldn’t hold up his end of the bargain.

~.~.~.~

November 15, 2003

“Just take the pill, Edward,” Esme said in an exasperated tone.

“I’m taking so many a day that I feel like an old man. No, you fucking take them,” Edward argued, walking out of the room slowly.

Since we’d come to live at Casa de Cullen, things had gone from good to bad. Edward had been home for a few weeks, and his parents had been right about one thing—leaving the hospital had improved his desire to walk. He had pretty much given up on his walker within days of being released and would hold on to the walls, tables, furniture, and anything else that was in reach to get around. Edward agreed to use a cane after I had pleaded with him. He still hated it, but that was easier for him to accept than the walker—well, that is, after we agreed he could decorate the damn thing any way he wanted to. Stickers were his favorite way to cover it up. Yes, it seemed kind of childish, but if it kept him happy and willing to use it, then he could paint the fucker pink and put glitter on it. He’d recently graduated to not needing any help with walking, and I couldn’t have been more pleased.

He fought everything else hard. The trach had been removed before he came home, and Edward refused to let anyone care for the wound but me. Hell, any type of attention his body needed was rejected unless I did it. When his mother commented on how she’d changed his diapers as a baby, and there was nothing she hadn’t seen before, Edward went off on her. He’d said that he was a man, and anyone who wasn’t fucking him was not allowed to see him naked. In all honesty, we hadn’t been intimate with each other since before the accident, but I understood what he was trying to say with his crude words. He wasn’t comfortable with Esme assisting him because she was his mother, and I was not. Needless to say, Esme was not pleased by the turn of events.

Cutting his hair had fallen into the realm of things that only I could do. It was one thing, though, I had wished anyone but me had to do. We’d used hair clippers to cut it all the way down to a buzz cut. It was the only way it’d grow back even after it had been practically shaved to the scalp in some spots for surgery.  He had complained that it hurt his head the entire time I did it, but when I would stop and ask him if he wanted me to be done, he’d grit his teeth and tell me to just do it. I made sure to be extra careful around the places his scars were. Those scared me the most, because I didn’t want to hurt him any more than I already was.  By the time it was finished, I was crying, and he was almost in tears from the pain cutting his hair had caused.

Medications were another battle between Esme and Edward. She’d hand him pills to take, and he would refuse them. His behavior scared me, because he needed those chemicals to stay alive. It was pretty ironic that before he’d take them to get high, and when he actually needed them, he declined.

It was one thing I had a hard time getting him to budge on and something we argued about constantly. In my opinion, I was positive that he was denying them to have some sort of control over the situation. His parents had taken away all of his freedom, and it was a way for him to gain it back—a dangerous way, but a way all the same.

Emmett and I had tried and failed to make Carlisle and Esme see that they were going about things the wrong way. The two of them were so stubborn in their beliefs about Edward, it was scary at times. They truly were convinced that he had the mentality of a child and was not able to think for himself. It sickened me.

Esme huffed. “I just don’t understand why he fights me so much.”

I rolled my eyes, keeping my comments to myself. I left the room in search for Edward. If I’d learned anything the past couple of weeks, it was to ignore Esme when she got upset when Edward went against her. She didn’t want to hear my opinion. Instead, she wanted someone to validate her actions. I couldn’t be that person, because I didn’t agree. Carlisle could be the one to pat her on the back for her deplorable behavior.

Edward was lying on his bed face down when I found him. I joined him, curling up beside him. His arm reached out, grabbed my waist, and pulled me to his body.

“You should take them,” I murmured.

Edward sighed. “Not you, too. Just let it go, Bella.”

“I will not,” I said, sitting up and breaking his grasp on me. “You’ll die if you don’t take them. All that crap is keeping you alive, you know.”

“I’m twenty-four years old, and I have to take heart, thyroid, and seizure medication like I’m some fucking senior citizen. No,” he complained.

I closed my eyes in frustration. God, why did it have to bother him so goddamn much? I wasn’t going to lose him over refusing to swallow pills.

“Edward,” I began. “You know I wouldn’t ask you to do it if it wasn’t so important. I hate asking you to do things you don’t want to do, but I don’t have a choice.”

He rolled over, staying on his back while seeming to contemplate my words.

“Please, baby,” I begged.

“That’s not fair,” he said. “When you beg, I can’t say no.”

I leaned down and captured his lips with my own, kissing him tenderly. His hand ran across my thigh, and I pulled away, not wanting to start anything at the moment. He pouted when I was upright.

“I’ll go get them for you, and I will be right back,” I promised, getting up off the bed and leaving the room.

I needed the extra time to calm down. We still hadn’t been physical since he’d been home. While the doctor had cleared him for more vigorous activities, like sex, I hadn’t been able to follow through with my promise. It was too weird to try during the day with his mother always hovering, and the open door policy made it next to impossible at night—even though we slept in the same bed. The lack of intimacy was getting to Edward as well, making him all the more unwilling to cooperate at times.

“Hey,” I said when I entered the kitchen. Esme was standing at the stove, preparing lunch. It was another healthy meal, or as Emmett, Edward, and I liked to call it, fake food. She had not only taken to forcing tasteless food on Edward, but the rest of the family, as well. If it hadn’t been for Emmett’s late night cheeseburger runs to Port Angeles, or ordering pizza and waiting for the delivery driver at the end of the driveway, the three of us would have starved.

“Oh, hello, dear,” Esme greeted me. “What can I do for you?”

“Um, I think Edward’s going to take his medication. If you give it to me, I’ll make sure he takes it,” I offered.

_Three…_

_Two…_

_One…_

“Oh, that’s all right, honey. I’ll give it to him,” she said, waving me off.

I watched as she left the room, no doubt to grab the bottles and give him the doses. Before long, I could hear arguing. Shaking my head, I went back to Edward’s room.

The two of them were bickering at each other when I entered. _Oh my fucking God_. It was getting out of hand, and I’d about had enough. Esme stood next to the bed, pill bottles in hand, shaking them as she continued to quarrel with him.

Finally reaching my limit, I walked over, took them from her hand, and sat next to Edward. Then I proceeded to look at each bottle individually as I opened and took out the correct dosage. Esme could continue fighting a losing battle for Edward to comply in the way she saw fit while I gave him the actual medication. I had no idea how she had managed to piss him off, seeing as he was already going to take it anyway, but I wasn’t going to worry about it.

I reached over and grabbed the glass of water on the nightstand, and then I gave it and the pills to him. He took a drink, popped them into his mouth, swallowed, and washed them down with another drink. It was so fucking easy, and I had no idea how Esme had managed to screw it up.

After putting the lids back on, I handed Esme the bottles. A look of shock was painted across her face. I’m sure she couldn’t believe what I’d just done. It was fine, though. There were a lot of things I’d done recently that I’m sure she was surprised about. In some ways, I was almost positive Esme didn’t have faith in my commitment to Edward or my newfound strength.

Again, it was fine with me. Anything I said or did was for Edward’s  benefit, not for Esme’s.

She blinked at me a couple of times and then walked out of the room. I lay down next to Edward and saw he was smiling when I looked at him. I shook my head at him.

“Now, why can’t I do that?” he mused.

“I’m gifted…I guess. Able to render people speechless in one swift movement,” I joked.

He rolled his eyes at me. “We should get out of here. I’m bored.”

I thought about his request for a moment. Forks was a dreary little town with no entertainment options—the highlight being the diner. Port Angeles wasn’t really an option either, because crowds made Edward nervous and caused him too much stress. I’d also learned that lots of stress could cause seizures, so that was out of the question.

Then the perfect solution presented itself…we could go home for a while. Edward hadn’t been back since the accident, and I’d only gone a few times since I’d moved in with him to get a thing or two I’ d needed. I kind of felt stupid that I’d just thought of it. Although, I’d been occupied with Edward himself and not other things.

“How about we go over to the house?” I asked.

A brilliant smile lit up his face. “Yeah, we’d have privacy.”

I had a feeling I knew what he was referring to, but I let it go for the moment.

“Come on,” I said, getting up.

We let Esme know we were leaving for the afternoon before we went to the car. It was easier that way, because she would freak out and call my phone a million times if we didn’t. She took the whole mother thing a little too far at times.

However, she didn’t have any problems with Edward actually leaving the house. Emmett was notorious for taking Edward with him. In Emmett’s opinion, Edward needed to get out as much as possible so he wouldn’t be cooped up all the time. Well, that and Edward always wanted to go somewhere. It did make sense, because he was always on the go before he’d gotten hurt. The difference was—he wasn’t out pumping chemicals into his system.

So far, he’d stayed away from drugs. To be fair, though, he wasn’t given a chance to find any. Edward had always been with either Emmett or I, and neither one of us would have let him. It wasn’t like Emmett or I had some grand scheme to keep him busy so he wouldn’t think about them. We just always happened to be with him, because we wanted to.

~.~.~.~

“So, I feel really dumb for not thinking of this before now,” I admitted as I sat next to Edward.

He looked over at me from his spot on the couch, cocking his head to the side. The remote was in his hand, and he was flipping through the channels.

“I didn’t think of it either,” he offered.

I chuckled. “Yeah, the important thing is we’re here now.”

We cuddled next to each other, enjoying one another’s company. There no one who would bother us like they did at his parents’ house, and it was nice. I didn’t really pay attention to the screen, because I was more interested in the man beside me. Sneaking a glances, I began to watch him. I was still thankful every day that I could just sit next to him like that. It was something so simple, and something I would have taken for granted in the past, and I had almost lost it.

The thought sent a shiver down my spine. I hated it when my mind when to that dark place, and I tried to keep myself in the present as much as I could. Every now and then, though, it would creep back in. I had a feeling it was something I’d have to deal with for the rest of my life.

I leaned into him and kissed his neck, trying to dispel the dark thoughts from my mind. Edward turned toward me, capturing my lips with his. We went from innocent kisses to a full make out session in minutes. Edward released my mouth, only moving a fraction of an inch away and gazed into my eyes.

“I need you,” he confessed.

Those three words comforted me more than anything else could have, stripping me of any lingering doubts. I’d missed the intimacy Edward and I had shared once upon a time, and I needed it, too. For me, it wasn’t going to be about release, instead it was about reconnecting.

I stood up and answered his statement by taking his hand in mine, pulling him to stand. He gave me a confused look, but when I began leading him toward our bedroom, he understood. No words needed to be said. Edward, I’m sure on some level, could sense my desire to reclaim that part of our relationship in the one place that was ours…and ours alone. Our bed.

Edward ran his fingertips across my cheek, caressing the skin. A small smile graced his lips as I grabbed the hem of his shirt, dragging it up his body. Edward raised his arms, allowing me to remove the garment, and I took in every inch of his flesh—reacquainting myself with the sight of his naked torso. When my eyes reached his throat, I paused and reached out to touch the gauze covering the hole in his neck from where the trach had been. The pad of my thumb brushed over the covered area in a silent apology. I still wasn’t completely over my part in what had happened to the man I love.

“It’s okay. I’m okay,” he whispered, guessing where my thoughts were headed. Walking me backwards toward the bed, he took my shirt off and threw it onto the floor. Edward kissed my neck as he unclasped my bra, letting it fall.

After I’d taken off my shoes and socks, I lay down on the bed, staring up at Edward. He smiled and stripped, taking everything off. I watched as he climbed over me, enjoying the sight of his naked body. My fingers began opening up the button on my jeans, but his hands stopped me. With a question in my eyes, I looked up at him.

“I wanted to do that part,” he said with a smirk.

I chuckled and removed my hand, granting his request. His fingers brushed against the skin above my waistband as he popped the button, sending shivers down my spine. My body remembered his touch after all that time, and I was thankful, yet again, he was there with me.

Overcome with emotion, I gently pulled his head down to mine while he removed my remaining clothing. As his lips began running over my neck, I felt the weight and warmth of his body cover me. It was almost too much—the feel of his skin, the sensations his very presence created, and the passion his attention ignited.

My hands touched every part of him I could reach, leaving the scar on his head for last. When the tips of my fingers grazed it, Edward looked up at me with trepidation. I smiled and kissed the indented skin. It was red and scary looking, but it had also helped bring him back to me. I wanted him to know with my actions that it didn’t frighten me.

He let out a shuddering breath, closing his eyes.

“You’re still so beautiful to me,” I admitted. “I love you more than you will ever know.”

He kissed me harder, pushing his knee between my legs. When he settled into the cradle of my hips, I could feel his erection against my opening. I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed tight, needing him close. He seemed to share my desire and melted into my embrace. Deepening the kiss, he shifted and ran his hand up my rib cage and over my breast, lingering on my nipple. He broke the connection with my mouth, replacing his hands with his tongue.

My body was beginning to feel overheated, and I threw my head back, moaning loudly. My hands slid up his back and took hold of his neck, massaging the back of his head. He sighed, touching his lips to my stomach. I knew where he was headed, but it wasn’t what I wanted. There would be time for that later. In that moment, I wanted to connect with him in the most intimate of ways.

I grabbed his shoulders, trying to pull him up. He looked into my eyes and raised his eyebrow, asking me without speaking what I wanted. I pushed my hips into his abdomen, answering him without words. Edward moved back up my body, beginning his assault on my chest a second time.

My fingers lightly scratched his scalp, feeling the short hairs. He moved toward the nightstand, opening the drawer and pulling out a condom. I plucked it from him, tearing it open and rolling it on his cock. He looked at me with hooded eyes as I stroked him a couple of times.

“Baby, stop. Not yet,” he pleaded though his heavy panting.

I released him, moving my hand to his shoulder. He gripped his cock, running the tip against my lower lips. I bit my lip in anticipation, almost biting through it when he pushed in. Inch by glorious inch he entered me, stretching and filling me. A delicious burn followed his movements, letting me know that it was real and he was really there.

He started thrusting slowly from his position on top of me and seemed to be re-establishing his claim on my body. Edward nipped at my neck, muffling his moans into my hair. I lowered my hands until I reached his ass, grabbing the skin and pulling him closer to me.

His pace picked up, and it caused me to cry out at the sensations he was creating. I could feel my orgasm approaching, and I turned my head, latching onto his collar bone. I sucked, marking the pale skin, and he hissed, driving faster into me.

“Oh, Edward,” I moaned.

“God, you feel so good,” Edward said.

I wrapped my legs around his waist and began meeting his thrusts. The tension in my body was concentrated in my abdomen, and with each stroke of his cock against my inner walls, it threatened to burst. I panted, shifting my hips—desperate for my release.

Edward’s head moved down, licking, sucking, and biting the skin on my breasts, giving each equal amounts of pleasure. Just when I didn’t think I could take much more, my walls clamped down on him, causing me to scream. He kept his pace, grunting and groaning as I rode out my pleasure.

Seconds later, he stilled and then began to shake on top of me, crying out. I held on to him as I came down, trying to anchor him to me. Edward continued to twitch and groan over me.

When he stilled, he collapsed on top of me. The only sound that filled the room was our heavy breathing. He didn’t speak, and I began to get worried.

“Are you all right?” I asked, shaking his shoulder.

He laughed through his panting. “I’ll be fine. I just need a minute.”

I hugged him as he rested on top of me. After a few minutes, he rolled onto the mattress, removing the condom and tossing it toward the trash can by the bed. I grabbed a tissue and cleaned him off.

He smiled. “Thanks.”

I chuckled.

He pulled me into his chest, and I laid my head on him. Wrapping his arms around me, I scooted closer. For the first time in a long time, the feeling of Edward’s naked skin against mine made me feel safe and content.

“I love you,” I murmured into the quiet room.

“I love you, too, Bella. So fucking much,” Edward answered, holding me tight. He pulled the blanket over us and turned us so he was spooning me. We lay there, content with the silence, knowing that while things would never be like they were before, we were on our way to creating our new normal. 


	23. Not Sorry

November 18, 2003

The time we’d spent at Edward’s and my home was a needed break from the craziness that seemed to be present at the Cullen house. Since that day, we’d gotten closer. I was sure everyone was aware of the shift in Edward and me. It was like our intimate encounter had broken down the last obstacle between us, bringing us closer together than we’d ever been before.

However, there was another shift in Edward. While I finally started to believe the worst was over, he’d become more concerned about where I was and what I was doing. Edward, to some degree, had been that way since he’d come home, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as it had gotten lately. He would question me every time I left, wanting to know where I was going and who I was going to see. If I left a room, he wanted to know why I was doing it and when I would be back. If he’d been trying to control my every move, it would have pissed me off. That wasn’t what it was, though. The way he inquired about my actions made me think he was afraid I wasn’t going to come back.

The fact he even entertained that thought saddened me. I was sure it had more to do with the way Edward was after the accident—the way his brain had rewired itself—than anything I’d done. I tried to be as accommodating as possible, but it was hard. I wasn’t used to Edward wanting to know my every move. Before, it’d been me who was worried _he’d_ never come home. In a way, it was like Karma had decided to show him just what I’d gone through for the past few years.

I didn’t dwell on that thought, because I’d lived through it, and I really didn’t wish that on anyone. Most times, I just took him with me. It helped ease his mind and got him out of the house and away from Esme.

The only place I didn’t go with him these days was to doctors’ appointments. Esme and Carlisle were still adamant about taking control of his care. Emmett and I let it go, because honestly, Carlisle could understand the medical lingo better than we could. Besides, we could always get information out of one of them when asked.  

Esme had been right about Edward needing a multitude of caregivers. He still didn’t sleep many hours each night, only cat napping on and off during the day, so someone had to be with him virtually around the clock, in case he had a seizure. Between the four of us, it really wasn’t a huge sacrifice.

~.~.~.~

“How about this?” Edward asked, handing me the package.

I took the box of snack cakes and looked them over.

“I suppose,” I said, throwing them into the cart. “We can’t let Esme find them.”

“She hasn’t found my stash, yet, so don’t worry,” Edward said in a smug tone.

“I’m just not in the mood to hear her complain about you eating all this crap,” I admitted.

He chuckled.

I’d taken him with me to the grocery store, after he’d found out I was going and asked to come. Since it really wasn’t a big deal if he did, I told him he could. It was strange, having him ask me to go places. I was used to him just leaving and doing what he wanted, but because of the seizure disorder he’d developed, he wasn’t allowed to drive anymore. He was pretty pissed off he’d been told it wasn’t possible anymore.

So, that afternoon, we were combing through the aisles of the only supermarket in Forks.  It wasn’t terribly exciting, but it gave us a reason to get out of the house.

 _Okay, so I take it back_. _Maybe this shopping trip is more entertaining than I want to admit._

Edward’s reactions to the people in the store were hilarious. A part of me knew it was not the right attitude to have had, but it was hard to feel any other way. Another thing I’d learned after Edward had come home was that he had no brain to mouth filter…at all. Any thought that popped into his head came out of his mouth, while he had no remorse for what he’d said.

I walked over to the produce section and looked at the apples, contemplating making an apple crisp for Thanksgiving in a few days—the reason for the visit to the store in the first place. Edward busied himself with comparing different gourds, trying to decide if we needed any or not. I noticed a woman, Mrs. Stanley, who happened to be one of my father’s next door neighbors, eyeing us curiously. Her gaze made me bristle and feel like she was intruding.

She walked over to us, not taking her eyes off of Edward the entire time.

“Oh, you poor dear. I’d heard you’d been hurt, but I didn’t realize how bad,” she said, reaching up to touch Edward’s head. I stepped in front of her quickly, making sure to halt her unwanted perusal. Edward still suffered from debilitating headaches from time to time, and I wasn’t about to let the stupid woman do anything to start one.

She gave me an irritated look, dropping her arm.

 _Yeah, well, you may be irritated, but if you try to touch him again, you’ll be irritated and without an arm_.

 “And that scar!” Mrs. Stanley exclaimed. “It’s so big.”

I rolled my eyes ready to tell her exactly what I thought about her comment when Edward spoke.

“Yeah, they took out half of my brain and had to fill the empty space with cotton filling. Looks pretty good, doesn’t it?” Edward asked, patting his shaved head lightly. My jaw dropped, and I wasn’t sure whether I should laugh or hit him in the arm for messing with the woman. The look on her face, though, made me think that laughing would be more appropriate. It was a mixture between horror and disbelief.

“What…I mean…you have to have…how are you alive?” Mrs. Stanley sputtered.

“Medical science is a wonderful thing. If you’ll excuse us, we need to finish our shopping,” Edward said, brushing her off.

We left the produce department with a wide eyed Mrs. Stanley staring after us. When we turned down the next aisle, I smacked him lightly on the arm.

“Hey!” Edward called out. “What was that for?”

“Why did you say that?” I asked. “You don’t really believe that, do you?”

I was a little worried by the way he’d delivered his explanation to Mrs. Stanley that he actually thought it was what had happened to him, even though he’d been told different.

“No,” he said, giving me an incredulous look. “She was getting on my nerves, so I wanted to fuck with her.”

I laughed. “Oh.”

“I may not remember everything, but I know you’ll tell me if I want to know,” he stated.

I smiled, while his words warmed my heart. It was scary and exhilarating how much trust he put in me.

“And I will,” I promised. “Now, what else do we need to get on our list?”

After we’d dropped the groceries, minus the snacks, off at the Cullen household, Edward and I decided to make a trip over to our own home. We’d caught Emmett as we were leaving, and he’d asked if he could join us. Edward had agreed immediately, so the three of us found ourselves in Edward’s and my living room, discussing our recent trip to the store.

“Man, I would have loved to see poor Mrs. Stanley’s face!” Emmett blurted. “It would have been priceless.”

“She’s always been too nosey anyway. It’ll give her something to tell on her next visit to the beauty parlor.” Edward laughed.

It warmed my heart to see Edward and his brother interact so calmly, like they were brothers and friends. I couldn’t help but contrast how things had been in the last few months compared to the last few years. The two of them had been so at odds with each other, mainly because of Edward’s drug use and Rosalie’s poison infecting Emmett’s mind. Sitting there, on the living room sofas, I could see how the two men had been close as children.

~.~.~.~

I was at the end of my rope.

I’d let the way Esme and Carlisle had been treating Edward go on long enough, because I was hoping it was just a phase they were going through. As the days went by, though, it became glaringly obvious it was more than that. I still wasn’t sure what the motivation for what they were doing was, but it was time it stopped.

The time came, moments before, when Esme had once again badgered Edward with questions concerning how he was feeling. He had told her he was fine, and she was convinced he was lying. When he’d had enough, he told her to back the fuck off and stormed away toward his room, slamming the door.

The thing was…he probably had been lying to her. Earlier, Edward had complained to Emmett about a headache while we were still at our house. We’d come back, and Edward had gone to bed for a couple of hours. The second he woke up, and went to the kitchen to find something to snack on, Esme had attacked him with inquiries about his health. In a way, I didn’t blame him, because I knew that he was growing weary of her constant pressing. He’d told _someone_ how he was feeling, so I thought it was enough. However, Esme apparently didn’t see it that way.

I found Esme sitting at the breakfast table when I entered the kitchen, with her head in her hands. The decision to find her had been made after Edward passed me on the way to his room, but I had heard the entire conversation from my seat in the living room. I could tell the stress of Edward’s constant tantrums directed toward her was wearing her down. It was hard to have sympathy for her, because a lot of the time, she’d brought the stress on herself.

I sat across from her, trying to figure out how I wanted to word my concerns. I’d come in there with the intention of talking to her, hoping that I could persuade her to ease up on Edward, let him come back home with me, or some other solution that escaped me at the moment to ease the tension in the house.

“All I ever do is what is right for him, and yet, he fights me at every turn,” Esme lamented.

I took a deep breath, realizing the time to stay quiet had passed, and I was going to have to make my unease known.

“You know, treating him like a child is one of the reasons he’s lashing out at you,” I muttered.

“Bella,” Esme said in an exasperated tone. “Mentally, he _is_ a child. We’re just acting according to his mental age.”

I counted to ten in my head, trying to calm myself down, so I wouldn’t scream at her. Even then, it pissed me off to hear her talk about Edward in that manner.

“That’s where you’re wrong,” I spoke more firmly. “He actually understands more than you or Carlisle give him credit for. Have you even paid attention to what he says or are you just more comfortable with blowing him off, so you can think he’s mentally handicapped?”

“Oh, dear, I know you want Edward to be like he was before,” she said in a condescending tone. “But it’s just not possible.”

“You have no idea what I’ve come to accept. Actually, I realize he’s not the same man I was with a few months ago, nor will he ever be. However, I am quite certain he’s not as bad as you make him out to be. If you’d really listen to him, instead of humoring him, you’d see,” I promised.

“I think you’re just seeing what you want, and I understand that. This has been hard on all of us, making us have to find a way to cope in any way we can. But it’s not good for him that you pretend he’s doing better than what he is,” Esme said softly.

I wanted to pull my hair out by it’s roots. It was harder to have that conversation with her than I’d ever realized. Her insistence that Edward was less than what he really was made the protective instinct I’d always had for him kick in. I was right, knew I was, and I was going to make her see it. Even if it was the last thing I’d do.

“Obviously you aren’t going to listen to me, so let’s, just for argument’s sake, say you’re right. How is the way you guys treat him helping him? He’s a grown man—an adult—and the both of you act like he’s five years old. If he’s ever going to have a chance, he needs us to make things easier, not harder. How is not assisting him in relearning some of the skills and information he’s lost going to help him in the long run? You’re not helping him…you’re only making it worse,” I argued. 

Esme sat stunned, blinking her eyelids a few times. Then, without another word, she got up and left, leaving me alone at the table. I felt like maybe I’d pushed things too far, but I couldn’t find one shred of reluctance for what I had said. In fact, it needed to be brought out into the open, and it was past time that it had.

I rubbed my hands over my face, trying to dislodge any residual guilt I might have felt over telling Esme off.

A throat clearing caught my attention, causing me to drop my hands. Emmett was standing in the doorway propped up against the frame. In an instant, I realized that he must have heard my conversation with his mother. Mortified, I began to stand, so I wouldn’t have to look at him and see any disappointment.

He shook his head, walking toward me. I sat back down with trepidation and hoped that he would go easy on me. Whatever his feelings were toward Esme, she was still, first and foremost, his mother. I feared I’d crossed a bigger line than I had comprehended before.

“I heard you talking to Mom,” Emmett admitted. “I was coming to get something to drink, and I couldn’t help but eavesdrop. I’m sorry.”

I scoffed.

“Yeah, you heard me verbally berate your mother, and you’re apologizing to me?” I asked in a disbelieving tone.

“Seems that way,” Emmett said. “Listen, I get it. If I had someone I cared about as much as you do Edward, and they were in the situation he’s in, I’d probably give the person who was treating them poorly a piece of my mind, too. I’m not mad. Actually, it’s quite the opposite. I’m proud of you, Blue Bell. I didn’t know you had it in you. Just remind me to never piss you off.”

I smiled and looked at him in awe. It was still shocking how Emmett had basically accepted me, despite his reservations in the past. He really had become the brother I never had, and I didn’t know what I’d do without that bond, which had become so important to me.

“Em, maybe I—”

 Emmett cut me off.

“Nope, don’t say it. Mom needed to be put in her place. Hell, I was ready to say something to her. I think, though, it’s going to mean more coming from you, because Bella, you have always looked out for Edward,” he said.

“I don’t know. It’s just going to make things harder if she takes offense to what I said. I mean—she could kick me out,” I reasoned.

“Not gonna happen,” Emmett promised. “I’ll fight them on that. You need to be here with my brother. He’d go nuts if you left.”

I laughed at his last comment, because it was true. Knowing how he hated for me to leave without him, I figured Edward would probably fight his parents if they decided I should go home. Or, it was possible, he’d leave himself.

“You do know we’re just humoring them at this point, right?” Emmett pointed out. “They really have no legal right to keep him here. I talked to a lawyer friend of mine, and unless he’s deemed incompetent by the courts, he could go home tonight, if he wanted to. However, I know you’d agree with me that having everyone with him is a good idea at the moment.”

And I did. The number of people in the house made it possible for everyone to get a break from Edward if things started to become too much. I had even had to put some space between him and myself when he got to be too demanding or clingy. It wasn’t because I didn’t love him, but taking care of someone that needs you to care for them can be more than one person can handle at times.

“I do,” I whispered.

“Just say the word, Blue Bell, and we’re out of here. I can crash at your house and help out until you don’t need me anymore. I’d do anything for you and my knucklehead brother,” Emmett assured.

“I think, unless it gets to be too much for Edward, we should just stay where we are. The moment it changes…we can go,” I replied.

“Well, if and when the time comes, I’ll be the one to tell them. I’ve already threatened to take legal action once, and I’m not afraid to do it again,” he said.

“Thanks, Emmett.”

Emmett nodded once, ending the conversation. It was good to know that our alliance was still intact. If I ever had to take on his parents, there was no way I could do it on my own. Between Emmett and I, though, was an entirely different story. I had no doubt that our combined forces could make a difference.

“So,” I said, changing the subject. “You still haven’t found a place of your own yet?”

“Ah, no. It’s like this town doesn’t want me to live here. I looked in Mom and Dad’s neighborhood, as well as yours and Edward’s, but I can’t find a place that I like…or would even suit me. I’m starting to think I’ll have to build from scratch,” Emmett explained.

“Well, that kind of sucks,” I replied.

“Tell me about it.” Emmett pouted. “I’m kind of surprised Edward hasn’t come looking for you yet.”

He had a point. Usually, if Edward hadn’t seen me for a while, whether I was in the house or not, he would try to see where I was. The fact he hadn’t concerned me. It was possible that he was just too upset over what had happened with his mother, or he could have had a seizure—my biggest nightmare—and couldn’t come and find me. That thought had me out of my chair in an instant. I apologized to Emmett as I hurried out of the room, but he must have sensed my mood, because he waved me off.

With hurried steps, I walked to Edward’s room, seeing the door was closed. I opened it without knocking and found him lying on the bed and staring at the ceiling. I let out a sigh of relief, drawing his attention to me.

He furrowed his brow, watching me as I closed the door. “You okay?”

“Yeah, sorry. I was just wondering what you were doing,” I replied.

Walking away from the door, I really didn’t care that Esme had asked to keep it open. I was still a little perturbed at her from our talk earlier. Since Edward was an adult, I didn’t feel like it should be left ajar just to appease her. There were a lot of things that I was no longer willing to do, or put up with, just to ease Esme’s mind. I was so done with her and Carlisle’s attitude toward Edward.

“So, are we shutting the door now?” Edward asked.

“Yep,” I stated.

I took off my shoes and crawled into the bed, snuggling with the man I loved. Being in his presence, and knowing he was safe, helped me relax and let go of everything that had been stressing me. His arm shifted, wrapping around my torso.

“You do realize it might be a bad idea for that to be closed, right?” Edward commented.

I looked up at him, not knowing what he meant.

“I’m probably going to try to get you to fuck me…or blow me,” he admitted.

I laughed. “So, you’re saying if I don’t want to, I should open it?”

“Pretty much.”

“Hmmm,” I said.

He moved to his side, facing me. I placed my lips on his, kissing him hard. He reciprocated, running his hands over my sides until he reached the hem of my shirt. Slowly, he reached underneath and placed his hands on my abdomen. He began tracing indiscernible patterns lightly across the surface, effectively killing any argument I’d had against having a sexual encounter in his parents’ house. At that moment, it didn’t matter who was physically inside the domicile, and who would be able to hear us. All that registered was the man next to me, moving his hand upward under my top.

“All right,” I murmured. “You’ve convinced me.”

Edward’s hands moved quicker, removing my shirt. We broke the connection of our mouths only long enough for him to take off the piece of fabric, and then they found their way back, devouring each other. I felt Edward unhook my bra, and I reached for the waistband on his sleep pants, tugging the material downward. He caught on to my intentions immediately, breaking the kiss once again to lift his hips, and once they were off, to remove his own shirt.

The second time our lips attached to each other, the kiss became frenzied, all consuming, and deep.

My body began to heat up as Edward’s naked chest touched my own. I could feel him work on the button of my jeans, undo the zip, and then push the material down. His hands were everywhere, while mine tried to find a spot that would ground me and help me channel the passion running through me.

When my pants, and panties, reached my knees, I shuffled them down my legs by kicking them away. I heard them fall onto the floor as Edward’s fingers moved against my center. I opened my legs wide while they parted my outer lips and found my clit.

The need to breathe became too much, so we detached our lips, and he rested his forehead on mine, captivating my gaze with his intense stare. He moved his hand away a little bit, and before I could protest the loss, he returned, placing his thumb back on my nub and inserting two fingers inside of me. Edward began rubbing as he pumped in and out of me, causing me to arch slightly. All of the stress and anxiety I’d felt began to melt away—it was replaced with pleasure.

“You’re so fucking beautiful like this,” Edward whispered into my ear. “God, I want you so much.”

His words made me shiver, ratcheting up the feeling of desire even more. He stared at my face, trying to read my physical cues for what felt good, what didn’t, and what made me scream.

I couldn’t have kept my blissful cries silent when he hit that certain spot inside of me, and he smiled when he did.

“Fuck, I love you,” he cooed.

“Oh, Edward. Please,” I begged.

My hips thrust in time with the pace of his fingers, trying to find my end. His other hand joined in, and he started to massage my breast, increasing the feeling of ecstasy threatening to tear me apart. The feeling of Edward’s mouth sucking on the skin of my neck pushed me over the edge, throwing me into a delightful oblivion as I met my climax. Screams and moans passed my lips, echoing off the walls of the room.

When I came down, I winced as Edward removed his fingers. I turned and saw he had a smug grin on his face. I chuckled, knowing he had reason to gloat. I still felt wobbly, boneless, and satisfied. I lay next to him, cuddling.

It took a few moments, but once the post-coital haze had lifted, Edward’s need was at the forefront of my mind. Not to mention, it rested on my thigh. As I placed kisses on the side of his neck, I reached down and took him in my hand. He jerked on contact, grabbing a hold of my side with the hand of the arm underneath me.

I pumped him a few times, causing him to moan loudly, and then I began to move the top half of my body toward his cock. Making sure to kiss every part of his body I came into contact with during my descent, I slowed my movements once I reached his manhood. It was fully erect and begging for attention, and I was happy to comply.

The point of my tongue circled the rim of his head before I took the tip into my mouth. I sucked lightly as I bobbed my head down as far as I could, making sure to run the flat of my tongue on the underside of his shaft on the upward stroke.

Back and forth I moved, bringing him pleasure while he cried out. Edward’s fingers gripped the back of my head, and his hand tightened around the strands. He grunted and guided my head to the pace he wanted.

“Ohhhhhhhhh, fuck,” Edward moaned. “Feels…so…good.”

The tempo of my movements became faster as he vocalized how much he was enjoying himself. One of my hands took hold of the part of his shaft I couldn’t fit into my mouth, and the other one massaged his sack. Edward thrust his hips into my mouth, causing his cock to hit the back of my throat. I had to pull back slightly to hold back my gag. I knew he was close by his reactions.

“Oh, baby,” Edward whimpered. “Your fucking mouth…shit. I’m—”

His words were cut off by a guttural moan, and I moved just in time for his seed to release all over his stomach in three long spurts, continuing to pump his shaft.  He shuddered after the last stream of semen left his body, and I halted my ministrations. Edward breathed heavily as he collected himself after his orgasm.

I jumped off the bed, going to the ensuite bathroom to gather a couple of towels to use for clean up. I wiped his stomach for him, and then tossed the towels in the hamper on the other side of the room. When I returned to the bed, Edward had a smile on his face.

“What’s that look for?’ I asked coyly as I snuggled up to him.

He laughed. “We’re never leaving that door open again.”


	24. State of Love and Trust

November 27, 2003

Esme still wasn’t talking to me.

In the company of others, she was polite and pretended like nothing was wrong. However, once it was just her and I, she went back to being silent. It hurt more than I was willing to admit. When I’d first started dating Edward, she had been the person I went in order to vent my frustrations about Edward’s habits and attitude. She became someone I’d trusted, that was, until Edward had the accident. Even after everything she and I had been through since that time, I had hoped we could come to an understanding and salvage some kind of relationship out of it.

I was wrong. 

To keep myself from dwelling on it too much, I tried to put all of my focus on Edward. He’d been doing well lately and hadn’t had a seizure since he’d come home from the rehab center. We were all collectively holding our breaths and hoping that the medication was doing its job. At the same time, though, we were cautious and always looked for the signs one was about to come.

Most of Edward’s and my time was split between his parents’ house and ours. Time away from his parents had helped improve his stress levels, and because stress was one of the things that could exacerbate his condition, I credited it to his success, as well. Emmett joined us sometimes, and other times we were alone. What warmed my heart were the times that Edward and Emmett ventured off on their own. Most people would not have been able to handle Edward in public—his parents included. Emmett, though, didn’t care. He was actually quite fond of his brother’s outbursts, because Edward said what he thought. Emmett had told me he wished he could be as bold.

~.~.~.~

We had been preparing for days, and Thanksgiving was finally upon us. I woke up early, before the sun was up, to help cook, knowing that Alice would only appear when things were close to being finished. Esme was already in the kitchen when I arrived, and the first few moments were tense. She ignored me like she had been, and I tried to figure out where I should start. Eventually, I just decided to jump in, regardless of where I was needed. We worked in silence, not acknowledging the other’s presence.

The turkey, dough for the rolls, and other items that would take hours to cook had been started as the first signs of light began to color the sky. I wiped my brow with my sleeve, trying to keep the flour on my hands off of my face. Making my way to the sink, I saw that Esme wasn’t fairing any better at keeping the evidence of our morning off of her. I was so ready to take a shower, but I knew if I went at that moment, I’d just have to do it again later on. We still had a long way to go, and we would get dirty again.

Esme and I cleared the counter to make breakfast, so when everyone got up later and was hungry, it would be ready. We danced around each other and even started to make the same things a few times, until one realized the other already had it covered.

The fifth time it happened, Esme huffed and turned to me.

“This is ridiculous,” she said. “We used to be able to talk to each other. I’m sure we can be adults about this.”

I raised my eyebrow in a silent challenge. There was no way I was going to be the first one to say anything pertaining our discussion the other day. I felt justified in my position, and it was time that Esme gave a little. I had given so damn much, my back was about to break.

“I’m sorry, Bella, I just don’t see it. I’m sure you have your reasons for feeling the way you do. Well, so do I. I wish he could be better, but he’s not.”

I sighed. “I’m not getting into this with you. No matter how many times you try to convince me otherwise, I’m still going to feel the same way. He’s not mentally challenged.”

She huffed. “Well, then we’re going to have to agree to disagree on that issue.”

“It’s fine with me,” I admitted.

I looked down at my hands and was upset that it seemed like we’d never get anywhere on the issue.

“How do you get him to do things for you?” she whispered.

“I ask him, Esme. I don’t demand he do something and treat him like a child. I get why you’re doing it, but he deserves better. You’re causing him so much stress by fighting with him, and you know it’s not good for him.”

She placed her hands on the counter, bowing her head. I watched as she stared at the countertop and looked at nothing. It pissed me off that I had to change my tactics—trying to reason with her—because I hated making people feel bad, but I had to do whatever I could to make her see. If playing dirty was what it was going to take, then I was all for going that route.

“He loves you so much,” she whispered. “My biggest fear is that you’ll leave. It would devastate him.”

I sucked in a breath—I was shocked by the direction our talk had gone. Hadn’t I shown that woman just how much I care? How I would walk through fire for her son? How he was my whole world?

“I—what?” I stammered.

“Things change…people change,” she continued in a low voice. “I just—I guess I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. After everything we’ve all been through, it’s hard to believe that you changing your mind won’t be the last thing to round out this whole mess.”

I straightened my shoulders, getting ready to defend myself when she looked up at me. The pain in her eyes made me pause. It was a pain I knew all too well.

“Please don’t misunderstand me. I want you here, more than you’ll ever know. It’s just hard to realize that I’m not wanted.” Her voice cracked.

“It’s not that you’re not wanted,” I said, toeing the linoleum. It was hard to not feel bad for her, but at the same time, I couldn’t just let things go. There had been too much hurt and strife between us.

“You’ve got to let him go and make his own decisions,” I pleaded. “He’s always going to be your son, but it’s not fair to him to pretend like this is a do over. It’s not, and you’re destroying the chance you do have to build a new relationship with him and make it stronger.”

Tears streaked down her cheeks, making it harder to keep my resolve. It killed me that the relationship I’d had with Esme had come to that point. My arms ached with the need to comfort her, not knowing if it was the right thing to do. Nothing seemed like _the right thing to do_ anymore. Everything was topsy turvy, making it impossible to understand what was expected anymore.

The sound of footsteps broke the tension, and Esme left the room, leaving me alone. I stood frozen to my spot, stunned by Esme’s last words. I didn’t know what to make of her confession, and I didn’t know what to make of her confession. Didn’t she realize I couldn’t go—that it would physically hurt me if I did? It wasn’t the way Edward’s parents were treating him, his condition, or a sense of guilt keeping me around. What made me stay was my love for him. Nothing, with the exception of Edward turning back to drugs, could make me leave.

I was pulled out of my musings by the sight of Edward leaning against the door frame. He looked like he had just woken up with his tousled hair and wrinkled sleep clothes. I smiled at the sight.

“Hungry?” I asked.

“Not really. I just came looking for you. You weren’t there when I woke up.” He pouted.

“Sorry,” I said. “I was helping your mom with the food.”

He pushed off the door and walked toward me, stopping next to me.

“Where is she anyway?” he inquired.

“Oh, she and I had a—well, I guess you could call it an argument.”

He frowned.

“It’s okay,” I replied. “She’s just scared of the possibility I might decide to leave. Which, I’m not going to, in case you were wondering.”

“You should have,” he mumbled.

“Edward,” I admonished. I was ready to tell him exactly why I wasn’t willing to do so, but he cut me off.

“But you said you weren’t, so now you’re stuck with me,” he said with a cheeky grin.

I chuckled. His confidence in me sometimes scared me.

“You should eat something,” I tried to coax him.

“I just woke up. You know I’m not hungry yet,” he argued.

“Fine, but I’ll keep asking until you give in,” I promised. “You need to eat.”

“I know. I know,” he said, rolling his eyes.

He walked over to the fridge, pulling out the orange juice. With the carton in hand, he took out a glass from the top cabinet, poured himself some, and put the carton back. He took a big gulp as he made his way over to the kitchen table, sitting down.

I placed some eggs, pancakes, and bacon on a plate for myself and sat down next to Edward. Working with all that food had made me hungry, so I decided that I was going to eat something. I kind of hoped that it would make him want some, too, but I wasn’t going to hold my breath. Edward’s appetite was sporadic at best most days.  Sometimes, he would eat three meals a day with snacks in between, and others he only ate once or twice a day. We’d been supplementing his diet with those protein shake things. He hated them but drank them anyway just to shut us up.

We ate in silence. Well, I ate my food, and Edward drank his juice. I looked out the window, noticing there was a light dusting of snow on the ground. I thought about how things had changed in just one short season. Things were so much different than they had been a few short months before. Instead of dwelling on the negatives, I tried to find something positive out of all that had happened. One thing that stood out was Edward’s willingness to give up his addictions. Even though his health had taken a dive to get to that point, it was something to be happy about. Maybe that was my thing to be thankful for—that and the fact that he was still alive.

~.~.~.~

Just as I had predicted, Alice and Jasper showed up as the last of the Thanksgiving food was being pulled out of the oven. Esme had come back down after she had composed herself and ate breakfast with us. For once, she didn’t try to push Edward to eat anything, and when he noticed it, he raised his eyebrow at me. I just shrugged, because I didn’t know how to explain. I was hoping that I’d finally gotten through to her, but only time would tell whether or not it was true.

Emmett and Edward helped Esme and I place the food on the dining room table, while Alice and Jasper stood back and watched. I kept my comments to myself, but it was hard. Alice still irritated me to no end, and we hadn’t spoken to each other since I’d confronted her at the rehab center. Hell, neither she nor Jasper had come over to visit Edward since he’d been home. From what I had heard, Jasper had only gotten out of rehab a week earlier, so his situation was somewhat understandable. Alice, on the other hand, had no excuse.

Once everything was set, we sat down. I sat next to Edward, and Emmett took his other side. Esme sat across from Emmett with Alice next to her, and Jasper sitting across from me. We said a quick prayer, and then everyone began filling their plates.

“This looks really good, Mom,” Alice said and then took a bite of mashed potatoes.

“Yes, thanks for having us, Mrs. Cullen,” Jasper said softly.

“Thank you, dears,” Esme said with a smile.

“So nice of you to join us. I guess you can’t visit unless you can get something out of it,” Edward muttered under his breath.

“What did you say?” Alice asked, staring at Edward.

“Please, not this year,” Esme begged.

“I said,” Edward began, looking directly at his sister, “it’s nice of you to come over since Mom’s feeding you, Alice. But, then again, I wouldn’t expect anything less, since you don’t really give a damn about your family.”

Emmett grabbed Edward’s shoulder and whispered in his ear. Edward shook his head and stared right at Alice, his eyes challenging her to argue with him.

“I’ve had to work, but you wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?” Alice snapped.

“I’d give anything to be able to work, just for something to do. But I’ve been told I’m not allowed. So, you can shove that excuse up your ass,” Edward retorted.

“Edward,” Jasper said. “Man, don’t be so hard on her.”

“Dude, I don’t even want to hear it from you. I haven’t seen you at all. No visit to the hospital or here at home. So, just shut the hell up. I’ll talk to my sister any damn way I want,” Edward bit out.

I could tell, immediately, a family fight was on the horizon. It was like that every year around Thanksgiving and Christmas. In a way, I’d always felt like they lived for it. However, I knew it wasn’t good for Edward to be so riled up.

I placed my hand on his thigh and looked up at him, hoping I could get his attention. His gaze traveled to mine.

“Please,” I whispered. “Let it go. I’m sorry your sister is such a selfish bitch.”

He cracked a smile and went back to eating. The rest of the meal was eaten in a tense silence. No one looked at each other, for fear of starting an argument, I guessed. It wasn’t until dessert that Alice decided to try to speak again.

“So, where’s Dad?” Alice asked, turning toward her mother.

“Oh, he had to work today. They’ve been working him to death, trying to make up for all the time he took off during the summer, I’m sure,” Esme answered. “I’m going to take him a plate later.”

Alice glared over at Edward, but he wasn’t paying attention. He and Emmett were discussing the football game that was coming on later that night. I really wanted to throw my piece of pecan pie at Alice for the way she was acting, but I refrained from doing so. The pie was delicious, and it would have been a waste of a perfectly good dessert if it had landed on that bitch.

 Emmett offered to do the clean up, and Alice piped up that she would help, too. I was positive she only said she would so she could play the good daughter. When Edward expressed he’d be willing to clean as well, Emmett spoke up.

“Naw, Bro, I think we got it. You can go and sit with Bella,” Emmett said.

“Damn it, Em, I can load a fucking dishwasher,” Edward grumbled.

Emmett threw his hands up in surrender. “I just didn’t want you to push yourself. I wasn’t trying to say you couldn’t do it.”

Edward sighed. “Sorry.”

“It’s cool, Edward. Really. I’m only trying to look out for you,” Emmett confessed.

“I know. I shouldn’t have snapped at you,” Edward said.

They did one of those stupid fist bumps and began clearing the table. Alice huffed and walked off toward the kitchen. _Boys._

Esme, Jasper, and I went into the living room and sat down. Jasper had taken an arm chair, I situated myself on the couch, and Esme sat across from me on the love seat. I leaned back and closed my eyes, because I was so tired. Getting up early and cooking had kicked my butt.

My eyes snapped open when Esme began speaking.

“So, Jasper, I was wondering why you’re not celebrating with Erin and Julian this year,” she said.

He cleared his throat. “Um…Mom and Dad aren’t speaking to me at the moment. Ever since they found out what I’ve been doing for the past few years, they’ve pretty much disowned me. I figured Mom would have told you.”

“Oh, I haven’t talked to your mother in a while. I’ve been so busy with Edward—I haven’t had time for anything else.”

I wanted to snort. She’d been busy driving Edward nuts more than she had actually been taking care of him. Emmett and I were the only people he could stand to be around most days. Even when Carlisle was home, which had been rare for the past couple of weeks, Edward ignored his parents unless they demanded his attention. _Taking care of Edward indeed_. I kept my mouth shut, though. I’d already had words with Esme earlier, and I wasn’t in the mood to start it back up.

“How _is_ Edward doing?” Jasper asked.

I had to turn my head and concentrate on something else when Esme began detailing Edward’s condition as she saw it. It really hurt and angered me to hear her describe her son, who she was supposed to love, in such a demeaning way. It made me want to punch something and destroy it until there was nothing left.

If there was any hope that I’d ever be able to get Esme to understand how upset she made Edward with way she treated him, then I was going to have to change her idea of who he was since he’d come home. However, I didn’t know how to do it. Convincing someone that their opinion was wrong was a task I’d never had to deal with before, and as set as Esme’s view of Edward was, it was hard to know how to approach it. I was prepared for Esme to never change her mind about her son, though. I figured I would deal with that reality when it came.

Jasper was about to say something but stopped. I looked over at the entrance to the room and noticed Edward and Emmett walking in. Emmett was close to his brother, and Edward wobbled slightly with each step he took. I stood up and began walking toward them.

“You okay?” I asked.

“I’m not feeling right,” Edward answered, slurring his words.

“Yeah, I tried to make him lay down when he started complaining, but he wanted to get Bella first,” Emmett said to the room.

“I’m coming. Let’s go lay down, Edward,” I said. The way he was acting had me worried, so I wanted him to rest, hoping it would help.

By that time, Alice had entered the room, but I ignored her. I really didn’t care what she thought about the situation, because I had more important things to worry about. Edward and Emmett turned, with me following directly behind, when my nightmare became reality.

Edward’s knees buckled and he began to convulse.

Emmett realized Edward was having a seizure the same moment I did, catching him as his body fell toward the floor. I quickly went to Edward’s other side and helped Emmett lower Edward toward the ground. Once he was down, we rolled his rigid body to his side—his stiff arms and legs flailing close to his body—while I held his head. Carlisle’s words explaining what had been said at Edward’s last doctor’s visit rang through my mind.

 _A major hit to the head could kill Edward_.

I kept hold of his skull as his eyes and lips twitched. His face turned red, and his lips became a frightening blue color, indicating he wasn’t breathing. I looked down and saw that he wasn’t, but there wasn’t anything I could do at the moment except stay with him until it was over.

“Can someone get me a fucking pillow?” I called out loudly.

Alice and Jasper had been standing frozen on the other side of the room, watching the scene play out in front of them. As my words entered the room, Alice jumped into action and grabbed a decorative pillow from the couch, bringing it over to me. I placed it under Edward’s head as he continued to quiver.

I ran my fingers over the stubble on his head and talked calmly to him while he was unconscious. Emmett was at his feet, trying to make sure that they didn’t hit anything that would cause damage to him. Esme was on the phone, and from what I could tell of the conversation, calling an ambulance. Once Alice had given me the pillow, she ran back over to Jasper and was—the only way I could describe it—freaking out. Jasper held her, rocking her body and telling her it was going to be okay.

During all of it, I was only concerned about Edward. I had detached my feelings and fears to concentrate on the situation at hand. I didn’t have time to cry and lose my fucking mind. Edward needed someone level headed at the moment.

After three terrible minutes, the shaking stopped. Edward’s face relaxed, and he started gasping for breath to replenish the air that had been denied during the seizure. With each pull his lungs took, his lips let go of the blue color until they were back to a more normal pink. His eyes were unfocused and rolling around in his head. Saliva had collected at the side of his mouth, running down to saturate the pillow underneath him. I took the hem of my shirt and wiped at the corner, trying to clean him up and help him be able to breathe better.

I rubbed my hands over his arms, which had lost their tightness and were hanging limp. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Emmett sitting at Edward’s feet with his head in his hands. I didn’t begrudge Emmett his slight break down. He’d been there when I needed him and had kept his composure. Since the worst of it had passed, I felt he deserved it.

Twenty minutes after Edward’s seizure had finished, Esme was letting in the EMTs. They asked questions—how long did it last? Were there any injuries? Had any more occurred since emergency services had been called? Esme and I answered the best we could, especially since we seemed to be the only two able to do so. They had brought a gurney with them, loading Edward onto it and strapping him in. They took his blood pressure, listened to his heart and lungs, and then wheeled him out.

The five of us scrambled around, trying to grab everything we’d need—purses, wallets, and car keys. We followed Esme out, one by one, and she locked the door behind us. As we got into the cars, the ambulance pulled out of the driveway, turned on its lights, and headed toward the hospital. Jasper, Alice, and Esme rode in his Duster, while Emmett and I piled into his Mercedes. I could see the ambulance off in the distance, but it was frustrating to watch Edward speed further and further away from us because traffic laws still had to be obeyed. We lost sight of him altogether within minutes.

It wasn’t long until we arrived at the hospital. Emmett parked in the first available space he could find, and seconds later, both of us were rushing toward the emergency room entrance.

Emmett told the receptionist that he and I were there for Edward, and she let us back through the doors leading to the emergency department quickly. His tone left no room for questions, so I wasn’t surprised when she didn’t ask for further information. Once we were inside, we had to wait for the EMTs to finish transferring Edward from their gurney to the hospital’s.

As we stood there, Esme joined us. She let us know that Alice and Jasper were waiting outside. I was sure that Alice was pissed to be in the waiting room, but I didn’t go far with that thought. I was too worried about Edward and needed to know what was going on.

“Let me up!” Edward yelled.

Hearing Edward’s voice behind the curtain allowed the three of us to take the first breath not laced with worry since we’d left the house. It was a good sign to hear him fighting with the staff, because it meant he was coming out of his seizure quickly—a sign that further damage to his brain had, most likely, not occurred. 

When we were allowed in, moments later, Edward was glaring up at the ceiling with a scowl on his face. His head turned toward us as we entered. Esme immediately went to his side and began asking him if he was okay. Emmett hung back and pushed me forward in what I assumed was encouragement to take his other side. I smiled at him and walked over.

“Will you stop touching me,” Edward demanded as his mother stroked his head. “My fucking head hurts, and you’re making it worse.”

She jerked her hand back like she’d been burned, moving to the other side of the room. Esme sat down in a chair next to Emmett and looked like she was trying to not cry. I felt bad for her but kept quiet.

“So, Bro, you really know how to clear out a room,” Emmett joked.

Edward chuckled. “Ow, don’t make me laugh. It makes it worse.”

“Sorry,” Emmett said.

“What the hell happened?” Edward asked. “I don’t understand why I’m here.”

“You had a pretty bad seizure,” I explained. “Your mom called the ambulance so you could get checked out.”

“I’m fine,” Edward argued.

Just then, a nurse came into the room. She asked Edward how he was feeling, and he told her he was fine, like he had me. She checked his blood pressure, temperature, and pulse oxidation, then told us the doctor would be with us soon.

While we waited, Edward became restless. A few times, Emmett had to get up and keep Edward from trying to leave the bed. It got to the point that when Edward would see his brother stand, he’d flop backwards and then curse when the action made his head hurt.

“I don’t want to be here. Why did you make me come?” Edward asked, twenty minutes later.

“Because you had a seizure,” I said. “Don’t you remember me telling you?”

“No,” he answered.

The fact that his memory seemed to be affected concerned me. He’d been doing better with remembering things, mostly after I’d gotten him into the habit of writing things down. I was afraid all of the progress he’d made had been destroyed.

Emmett left not long after—to let Alice and Jasper know what was going on, I’m sure. Esme got up and stood on the other side of Edward but didn’t attempt to touch him again.  It was hard to be patient as we waited for the doctor to show. I wanted to know what was going on, but I tried to hide it.

When the doctor finally did arrive, he checked Edward over. He said that he didn’t feel that the episode was anything we should concern ourselves about. He also said that we shouldn’t worry about the memory loss, that it was a side effect of the seizure and should fix itself as he came out of it. The last thing he let us know was that, because of the fact that seizures were something he’d have for life because of the accident, not every episode required a trip to the ER. Only the ones that lasted longer than normal or instances of multiple ones were when we should seek outside medical attention.

We thanked the doctor before he left to get Edward’s discharge paperwork in order. I could tell, when I looked over at him, Edward was doing much better. He’d stopped fighting us and demanding to leave. He seemed much calmer and was even starting to remember things we’d said to him.

So, the doctor had been right. It was just going to take time for him to come out of the mental fog he was in.

The nurse came back in a few moments later, and Edward signed himself out. I watched Esme, and her hands twitched toward the clipboard. I knew that she thought that she should have been the one doing it, but she never said a word. Maybe it was time for Emmett and I to have another discussion about Edward and the situation with his parents. I was scared to leave things as they were for much longer, because I wasn’t sure what they had up their sleeves with the insistence that Edward continue to live under their roof.

Once Edward made the last pen stroke, he was up off the gurney. He took the paperwork the nurse handed him and walked over toward me, grabbing my hand with his free one. Esme followed us out, calling for Emmett, Jasper, and Alice on the way out the doors. It was decided that Esme and Edward would ride with us, because Alice decided that they should get home. It kind of felt like a dick move to me, but I didn’t expect anything less from Alice. She hadn’t been around Edward for most of his problems, and I really didn’t expect her to stay that time, either.

I sat in the back with Edward, leaving the front for Esme, as we went back to the house. I convinced Edward that a nap might be a good idea since he still acted like he was tired. He agreed, but only after he made me promise I’d lay down with him. It was a compromise that I was willing to make, because I was still worried about him.

The moment the door was unlocked, Edward and I went inside and toward his room. We changed into sleep clothes, and I was glad to get out of the outfit I’d had on during dinner earlier. I lay down next to him and he cuddled into me, falling asleep quickly.

The sound of his breathing filled the room, and for the first time since it happened, I allowed myself to feel the panic that I’d suppressed earlier. Even though he was okay—each breath that he took let me know he was still alive—I still couldn’t help but think about how bad it would have been if things had gone differently. Edward was so important to me, I didn’t know how I would have survived if it had.

A few tears escaped as I tried to control myself. I kept repeating over and over in my head that he was fine, and he was going to be fine. It took a few shuddering breaths before I finally found my calm. Looking down at Edward, I could see how relaxed he was in his sleep. I put my head on the pillow, matching my breathing to his, and let myself drift off. 


	25. Talk Shows on Mute

December 10, 2003

Esme scheduled a doctor’s appointment after Edward had his seizure on Thanksgiving Day. I ended up attending it with Edward and Esme, because I was curious about what the doc would say. He’d pretty much agreed with the ER doctor’s assessment, telling us Edward would most likely be battling with seizures—even the grand mals, as he’d had that day—for the rest of his life. It was a sobering conversation.

We were on edge in the days that followed. When Carlisle found out what had happened that night, he had been just as worried as the rest of us. The cautious way we were acting got on Edward’s nerves. He called us out on our behavior and told us that we were being ridiculous. It was hard to not watch his every move and wonder if he was going to feel off and go down, once again.

After five days had passed, Emmett and I began to let up a bit. We could see that Edward really was okay. He was back to where he had been before the seizure and hadn’t had much more than a light tremor in his hands since.

~.~.~.~

Emmett had been secretive for the past two days. He would leave in the morning and come back around dinner time, whistling. I wondered if he’d found a girl to spend his time with. If anyone deserved someone, it was Emmett. His divorce from Rosalie was almost finalized, and I knew that he was grateful to get rid of the harpy. None of us had seen her since she’d stormed out of the hospital months before—not that any of us really cared. Even Esme and Carlisle supported his split from his poisonous, soon to be ex-wife.

There was a twinkle in his eye that hadn’t been present before, and his good mood was constant. A new girlfriend was the only reason that could explain his behavior. Any time he was questioned about his actions, he ignored us. Whatever it was, he was keeping a tight lid on it.

“I’m bored,” Edward said, staring at the television.

We were sitting in the living room, watching some history program. It was kind of interesting, but I had to agree with Edward. I was bored out of my fucking mind.

“What do you want to do?” I asked.

“I don’t care, just as long as we can leave. I’m going crazy here,” he answered.

“Um,” I said. “We could go to the book store.”

He stuck out his tongue, not liking that idea.

“We could go to Port Angeles,” Edward suggested.

“Ugh, I really don’t want to drive that far,” I admitted.

“You’re no fun.”

“Yeah, I know,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“I want some pie. Let’s go to the diner,” Edward stated.

“We can do that.”

Edward and I piled into my car, taking off toward Forks’ only diner. As I drove, I thought about Edward’s sister, Alice. I still couldn’t believe she had taken off like she did at the hospital. It was like she couldn’t handle what had happened and left so she wouldn’t have to deal with it _. So much for being concerned about family_.

I had talked to Edward about Alice not long after his ER visit. He’d said it upset him that she took off, but he wasn’t going to let it bother him. If she wanted to be a part of his life, then she had to make some sort of effort. He wasn’t going to be the one to make the first move.

I was actually proud of him. He’d let his sister get to him for years, and he’d finally come to the point where he wasn’t going to let her bother him anymore. I was glad, because he didn’t need the stress that came with Alice and her baggage. Stress was only going to cause more seizures for him. So, if cutting ties with her would relieve some of the tension, I was all for it.

Pulling into the parking lot a short time later, I noticed that the restaurant had very few customers. It was perfect. Edward had trouble dealing with large crowds, and the noise would cause him headaches. The limited amount of people ensured that we would be able to eat without too many problems.

Edward held the door open for me as we walked inside. Even though he’d had major surgery to his brain and had lost many things about himself, the core of who he was still existed. It was little things, like opening doors for me, or teasing his brother, that let me know.

We were seated quickly by our waitress.

“So, what can I get you?” she asked.

Edward picked up a menu and looked it over. “Um, I’ll have the cherry pie and a glass of milk,” he said.

“Okay, darlin’. And for the lady?” she asked.

“The cheese fries and a coke for me,” I said.

“All right. I’ll get those right out,” the waitress promised, walking away from the table.

“What?” I questioned when I caught Edward staring at me.

“Have I told you today how much I love you?”

I chuckled. “You have. You’re such a dork.”

He clutched his chest playfully. “You wound me, woman.”

Being silly with Edward always put me in a good mood, and it was like, no matter what had changed, we had found a way to interact with each other without letting the drama pull us under. Some of the things that would have pissed me off before, seemed so insignificant those days. Going through the worst kind of pain you could ever imagine put things into perspective.

Edward and I talked about everything and nothing as we waited for our food to arrive. I had to fight the urge to roll my eyes when he brought up some of his more outlandish outlooks on life, but it was tolerable just to watch his facial expressions when he explained his viewpoint.

“You know, if you take a picture, you can look at my head whenever you want,” Edward called out.

 _Motherfucker_.

I turned and noticed a man sitting at the counter, staring at Edward. While I understood the scar on my boyfriend’s head looked scary and grotesque, I still couldn’t believe how rude some people were. It was as if Edward was some sideshow freak they were entitled to stare at. The audacity of those assholes astounded me.

The man turned back to the counter, ducking his head. The action, though, did not appease Edward in the least.

“No, man, go ahead. It was so fucking important to stare at me. Now that I know you were invading my privacy, you should just snap a picture so you can study it later,” Edward said.

“Edward,” I hissed. “Knock it off.”

I really didn’t care that he was, basically, embarrassing the man. If he was that stupid, he deserved to be called out for the jackass he was. However, I was afraid we were about to be kicked out for causing a scene. 

“But, Bella—”

“I know. I agree. Some people shouldn’t be so rude,” I said, hoping the volume of my voice carried over to the man. “But you have to calm down, or they will kick us out. Then you’ll never get your pie.”

“You’re probably right.” He sighed. His shoulders slumped, and the fight left him. “Behaving in public sucks. Where’s Emmett when you need him? He would have probably yelled at the guy, too.”

I shook my head, starting to worry about what exactly Edward and his brother did when they went out.

Not long after Edward settled down, our food came. The rest of the time, we ate in silence. Edward seemed placated by his dessert, almost as if he’d forgotten his earlier irritation. It was possible that he didn’t remember it, especially since things that were recent were still touch and go at times. I wasn’t going to push the issue either way, because truthfully, I was hoping he wouldn’t recall it.

~.~.~.~

December 12, 2003

“Emmett, you suck,” I said, pouting.

“Oh, come on, blue bell. Surprises are fun.” Emmett laughed.

“I agree with Bella, Emmett. Surprises are fine, but you’re a dick for making us wear blindfolds,” Edward complained.

After lunch, Emmett had come storming into the kitchen and demanded that Edward and I come with him. He said it was important, and we had to be blindfolded so we wouldn’t ruin the surprise. Sitting in Em’s Mercedes with a scarf over my eyes, though, I thought he was full of shit and just wanted to fuck with us.

“There’s ice on the ground. I’m going to fall, bust my ass, and it’s going to be all your fault,” I whined.

“Have some faith, Bella,” Emmett said. “Do you really think I’d let you, or my brother for that matter, get out when you’re both impaired?  I thought you trusted me better than that. You really know how to hurt a guy’s feelings,” Emmett mock complained.

I huffed.

“I’m about two seconds away from ripping this damn thing off. What’s the hold up?” Edward argued.

“Fine.” Emmett sighed. “Neither of you have any patience, and you’re both kill joys. Go ahead and take them off.”

Pulling off my blindfold, the sight of an empty building nestled into Forks’ only strip mall met my eyes. My brow crinkled in confusion, because, what was exciting about an abandoned building?

“What the hell, Emmett?” Edward asked, tossing his blindfold into the front seat. “I thought it was going to be something worthwhile. Why am I staring at an empty store? Are we breaking the windows with rocks?”

“Really?” I said, turning around and facing Edward, who was sitting in the back seat. “Vandalism is the first thing you think of?”

“You’re just jealous you weren’t creative enough to think of it first,” Edward teased.

“Yes, because I really wanted to go see my dad at work and stare at him through metal bars,” I retorted.

Emmett cackled. “Dude, I swear. If you’re ever stupid enough to lose this girl, I’m kicking your ass. No one will put up with your craziness like she does.”

Edward scowled. “Blow me, dickhead.”

“Okay, children, settle down,” I admonished. “So, Em, are you going to explain why we’re here any time soon or are we going to turn into blocks of ice?”

Emmett shook his head and smiled at me, causing my irritation to double. He was enjoying torturing Edward and I way too much. I really liked Emmett, but I was about to throttle him.

“All right. All right. I’ll tell you why we’re here. I had this whole speech planned out, but since you and Mr. Impatient are demanding I enlighten you as to why I’m parked outside the storefront, I’ll get to it,” Emmett began.

Edward and I stared at him, waiting for him to continue.

“You see, I had an epiphany a couple of weeks ago when I was trying to decide what to do with my life. You both are aware I sold Masen Unlimited, and I probably have enough money to be one of those rich playboys who travels the world, but that’s not how I want to spend my time.”

“O-kay,” I said, not understanding where he was going with his words.

“Well, I’m still pissed I couldn’t find that fish tank,” Emmett continued.

“You’re still on this?” I asked. “I thought you gave up when they told you it wasn’t in the hospital.”

“Bella,” Emmett said. “If there’s anything that drives me crazy, it’s an unsolved mystery. I never did satiate my curiosity, and I probably never will. I figure, instead of letting it get to me, I’ll start a business where I can stare at as many tanks as I want, and they’ll be better than anything the fish channel could ever come up with.”

“You’re going to start a business just so you can display a tank?” Edward asked, furrowing his brow in confusion. “That’s kind of stupid, Em.”

Emmett rolled his eyes at Edward.

I sat there, with the wheels in my head turning. I couldn’t imagine Emmett starting a business just to have a tank on site. It _was_ a stupid thing to do, just like Edward had pointed out. Chewing on my lip, the cogs in my mind turned faster and faster until everything clicked.

“You’re going to open up a pet shop, aren’t you?” I inquired, believing I was right.

“Exactly. I knew you were a smart girl,” Emmett said.

“You don’t know anything about pets,” Edward argued. “You killed that goldfish Dad bought you in the third grade by feeding it Goldfish crackers. All of your merchandise is doomed to die.”

“Oh ye of little faith,” Emmett retorted, getting out of the car and walking to the glass doors in front. “Come on. You want to see the inside or not?”

Edward got out and gave his brother an incredulous look. I followed Edward’s actions, shivering as I waited for Emmett to unlock the door. We stepped inside once it was open, and it wasn’t much warmer than outside.

It was glaringly obvious, once Emmett turned on the lights, a lot of work was going to have to be done to the store before it could open. The place was dirty, with dust on every surface and paper scattered all over the floor. Empty boxes were piled into a corner, and wires hung from a few places in the ceiling.

“Um, yeah. It’s…something,” I stuttered, not sure what I should say.

“I know it’s kind of messed up now, but if you use your imagination, I’m sure you’ll see what I do,” Emmett explained, rubbing his hands together in excitement.

He began listing off all of the repairs that would have to be made, how he wanted to set up the layout of the store, what animals, besides fish, he was thinking about selling, and the different methods of advertising he was considering. During all of it, I noticed he was more animated discussing that business venture than he ever had been when he talked about dealings at his grandfather’s company. Em had made a small fortune there, but it had never been his passion. That new business opportunity, born out of a need to find a way to deal with tragedy, had woken up an enthusiasm in him I’m sure no one had seen before.

“I still say everything you’re going to sell will die before it’s available to the public,” Edward sang.

Emmett palmed his face. “You’re never going to let it go, are you? I was eight, and it was a logical conclusion, at the time, that those crackers were for the fish. Why else would they have been named Goldfish?”

“Um, maybe because they’re shaped like goldfish?” I pointed out.

“Fuck you both,” Emmett said. “I’ll hire people who know how to care for animals. I admit, I have no idea what goes into nurturing them, but I do know the business side of things.”

“No one will dispute that,” I said with a smile.

Emmett nodded. “And I’ll also put this knucklehead to work.”

He pulled Edward over and slung his arm around his shoulders.

“Get off of me, you ape,” Edward said, knocking Emmett’s arm off. “What the hell would I do? I’m not a psycho that wants to stare at fish all day like you.”

“You can scare all the fish with your ugly face,” Emmett teased.

“I’ll have you know that most girls think I’m pretty,” Edward said, and then his face twisted up in confusion. “Wait…shit…that’s not what I meant to say.”

I laughed loudly. “Aw, baby, you’re pretty to me.”

“Damn it. I meant to say handsome. Guys aren’t pretty,” Edward replied. “My brain was scrambled for a moment.”

“Sure it was,” Emmett said. “Don’t lie. You think you’re pretty.”

Edward huffed.

Edward had trouble sometimes choosing the right words to express himself when he spoke. It was like he knew what he meant, but his brain didn’t register it and picked another random word to use in its place. That caused Edward frustration, but I understood what he was trying to say most of the time. It was another thing he’d have to deal with for the rest of his life, and in comparison to some of the other outcomes he had been facing, it was a mild annoyance.

“Seriously, though, bro. Think about it. Working with me will give you something to do, and we can hang out all day,” Emmett said in a serious tone.

“Only if you quit being such an ass,” Edward taunted.

~.~.~.~

December 20, 2003

Once the ink was dry on the contract, Emmett began renovations on his pet shop. I found out later on that, instead of just leasing the spot, he’d bought the entire building. It had been up for sale, and since Emmett didn’t want anyone else to have the ability to tell him what he could and could not do with the space, he decided owning the property was a good way to solve the problem.

Emmett hired a construction company to redo the inside, since he had no experience with that type of thing. The man had all kinds of ideas on how he wanted the store to look and was unwavering in his vision. When he’d shown me what he had planned, though, I understood why he was so protective of his design. The store was going to be amazing when it was finished.

It only took a day for Edward to decide he wanted to work with Em. The chance to do something productive with his time had been a huge draw, and he liked the idea of working with his brother, as well. Emmett had been happy when Edward accepted the offer, and both of them went into full planning mode. Some of the ideas Emmett had incorporated into the final plan had come from Edward himself. It had been good for him to see that he really was able to contribute, even if it wasn’t much.

Esme wasn’t fond of the idea of Edward working with Emmett. She’d worried about the possible stress the job could cause Edward. What she didn’t realize, though, was that it would probably be far less than what he experienced in his parents’ home.

The person that surprised me was Carlisle. I’d expected him to share his wife’s attitude, but he didn’t. Once he found out what Emmett was going to do, and that he’d asked Edward to be a part of it, Carlisle had thought it would be good for Edward.

I held my coffee in my hands, relishing in the warmth it provided, while Edward and Emmett were standing off to the side, “supervising” the workers. We had come in early to the shop, because Emmett wanted to make sure the repairs were on schedule. He was shooting for a March opening, and he was becoming more and more of a control freak as each day passed. Edward seemed at ease, watching Emmett check and recheck certain things.

A cold breeze alerted me that someone had opened the doors. I turned and saw Carlisle enter. He looked around, taking in all of the changes that had been made in the last few days. His eyes met mine, and he walked over to me. There was a small smile playing on his lips, and I wasn’t sure what it meant. My defenses were up, wondering what he wanted.

After he reached me, he stood next to me and turned to where his sons were standing. Emmett was arguing with the foreman, gesturing with his hands wildly. Edward stood next to him and tried to calm him down. I probably would have laughed if I had been alone.

“I never thought I’d see the day that Emmett would work outside of an office,” Carlisle mused.

“Yeah, life’s funny like that,” I quipped.

“I also never thought I’d live to see the day that Emmett and Edward would mend their strained relationship. After so many years of them being at odds, it’s nice to see them like this,” Carlisle admitted.

I wasn’t sure where he was going with his confession, but I did know that whatever direction it took, it wasn’t going to change the way I felt about things, at all.

He leaned back against the wall behind us and sighed.

“Parents don’t get an instruction manual when they have kids. We just have to stumble along and hope that our choices are right, and we don’t mess them up too much,” he continued.

I looked at him with a blank expression.

“I’m aware that you and Esme don’t see eye to eye when it comes to Edward. Right now, I’m not sure who’s correct. Sometimes, when I look at my son, I see the man he was before the drugs took hold of him. Other times, well, I see what Esme does. A child in an adult’s body.”

“He’s not a child,” I retorted. Anger seeped into my tone.

“I know you believe that. I can see it in your eyes,” Carlisle said. “And I’m not trying to dissuade you. Bella, you spend the most time with him. You probably know him better than anyone at this point. I know I’ve been absent, working a lot these past few weeks, so I’m not the best judge of Edward’s mental state.”

My eyes bugged out, because I was shocked he’d admitted he didn’t know everything when it came to Edward. When I’d pictured that conversation, which I knew was going to happen eventually, I figured Carlisle would side with Esme and insist his son was mentally compromised. Seeing that the time had come, and he’d basically shattered my preconceptions, I didn’t know what to think.

“What are you trying to say?” I asked, looking at Carlisle.

“I’m saying I don’t know anymore. Maybe I was wrong to insist Edward come live with us. Maybe I was right. Regardless, you have to understand that the decision was made out of a desire to help Edward. And, to be brutally honest, a desire for a second chance to right the wrongs of the past. You can’t imagine how appealing it was to have a fresh start with Edward. I’m beginning to think that reason wasn’t the best for Edward, though. Esme told me what you said to her, and it got me thinking.”

I braced myself. I’d said a lot of things to his wife, some of which weren’t very nice. I’d been in defensive mode, trying to stand up for Edward. Carlisle’s reaction to that conversation could go so many different ways.

“Esme’s convinced that Edward living with us is what is best for him. However, I see the stress he’s been under since he’s come home. I know a lot of it is because of my wife’s insistence that she be the one to care for him.  The stress, no matter what the source is, isn’t good for Edward’s seizures.”

I nodded, grateful that he was acknowledging the fact. He was a doctor, so I knew he was aware of what the conflict between Esme and Edward was doing to his son.

“I’ve decided to retire. I’ve been at the hospital for over twenty years, and I think it’s time. I see patients every day, trying to help them. The fact that I’ve all but abandoned my son for strangers because of my work doesn’t sit well with me. Maybe if I’m home more, I can help.”

Another thing I wasn’t expecting. Carlisle loved his job and didn’t mind the long hours. It was hard on Esme at times, but she was willing to make that sacrifice for her husband’s happiness. Retiring to be at home more sounded like a good idea, but at the same time, it could cause Edward more anxiety.

“Carlisle—”

“Just, hear me out,” Carlisle interrupted. “I know what you’re going to say, but the decision isn’t solely based on Edward and his condition. My wife needs me, too. What happened has put a strain on her, and I want to be there for her.

“I acknowledge the fact that Edward seems to want you around more than the rest of us, and he seems to respond better when Esme and I stay out of the way. It’s never easy for a father to realize that his child doesn’t need him anymore, that you have to let them go.

“I guess what I’m trying to say is that I want to make sure Edward is taken care of in the future. I know that Emmett would do it when Esme and I are gone, but it wouldn’t be the same.”

“What do you want from me? A contract written in blood?” I asked. It hurt that Carlisle, just like Esme, was questioning my commitment to Edward. I wondered if they truly realized the stress and pain I’d gone though and what it had taken to make the decision to end things with him before the accident. I hadn’t done it lightly, nor without reservations. At the time, it was the only way I could save myself from being consumed by Edward’s addictions alongside him.

Carlisle let out a weak laugh. “No, nothing that dramatic. You have to understand, though, we only worry because you’ve reached a breaking point before. What’s to say you won’t have another one in the future?”

“Realizing I couldn’t save him from himself was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to face,” I whispered. “It was the lowest point in my life, before everything went to hell. However, it gave me the opportunity to see what it’d be like, in a way, if we weren’t together anymore. Carlisle, I get it.”

He stared at me.

“You’re afraid I’ll flake on him again. Don’t you see, though? I can’t. It would literally tear me apart if I had to leave him. However, I told him if he goes back to his old ways, I’m through. It’s not what I want, but I’d do it if it would save him. He’s so afraid that I’ll leave, and it’s probably not right or ethical, but it’s the only bargaining chip I have to keep him sober. So, you have to see that I’ll do anything for him. No matter what it costs me.”

He nodded and looked back over at Edward and Emmett. I knew that the conversation was over, and I wasn’t quite sure how I felt about it. I was tired, so fucking tired, of feeling like I had to justify my actions. They’d done less than I had over the years and had given up long before I’d decided to get out. In a way, I was offended that they were demanding I prove myself to them. When were they going to do the same? Edward deserved it, if nothing else.

The talk had left me cold, and I didn’t feel like anything had been resolved. I needed to speak with Emmett to see what our next step should be. If I left it up to Carlisle and Esme to decide when it was time for Edward to move out, then I’d be waiting forever. They’d want me to explain myself until I was blue in the face, and it seemed like it was just another way to stall.

Emmett was still arguing with the foreman, starting to get louder by the second. Carlisle pushed off the wall and walked over to the pair. He started to try and diffuse the situation.

Edward came over to where I was standing and crossed his arms.

“So, what did he want?” he asked.

I rubbed my hand over my face. “An ironclad promise I won’t disappear.”

“Fuck,” Edward muttered, beginning to walk away.

I grabbed him by his shirt, pulling him back to me. “Don’t. Just let it go.”

He blew out a harsh breath. “I’m tired of them meddling in my life. If I wanted their help, I’d ask for it.”

“It’s not like I don’t deserve it.”

Edward stared at me. “From what I understand about that night, you had every right to tell me to go fuck myself.”

“Edward—”

He grimaced and shook his head.

“You should have left me. You didn’t, though, and I still don’t understand why. They have no right to ask you about it, because it has nothing to do with them. It’s between you and me, and no one else. I’m not upset about it, so they’re not entitled to answers.”

I smiled. “Have I told you today how much I love you?”

“Probably, but I don’t remember. You should say it again, just to be sure,” he teased.

I reached up on my toes and kissed his lips. “I love you…so much.”

“I love you, too,” he said, resting his forehead on mine. 


	26. Ladies and Gentlemen

December 24, 2003

Christmas was upon us before we knew it. Between the construction on Emmett’s pet shop, Esme’s continued efforts to drive Edward nuts, and finding time alone with my boyfriend, it was like the days passed at light speed. I had never been more grateful that I’d talked Edward into doing our Christmas shopping online a few weeks before than when I realized it was Christmas Eve. The fog I’d been living in after the conversation I’d had with Carlisle had sapped my concentration.

His words played over and over in my head for days afterwards. I dissected the meaning of what he had said, trying to figure out the reason behind the conversation. It seemed like, since I had a semi-deep talk with Edward’s parents, I was always looking for the hidden meaning behind their words. My trust in most people, and their actions, had been destroyed by the underhanded way Carlisle and Esme had handled Edward’s situation.

Emmett , Edward, and I had a late night conversation after the parents went to bed two days before Christmas Eve. The time for decisions had come, and Emmett and I agreed that Edward should be an active part of that, because it was his life in the balance. Whatever would be decided, it would affect him the most, and we wanted to know what he preferred.

Emmett had asked Edward if he was happy living with their mom and dad, and Edward said no. Edward wanted out of there, and he wanted to go home. Emmett and I immediately knew that “home” meant the house that Edward and I had shared. Next, Emmett explained the delicate situation we had all found ourselves in. At first, Edward was quiet. He sat for a moment, taking everything in. Then, he asked what the big deal was, because he still had the right to make decisions for himself, he’d figured his parents had no say in his affairs. I told him we were afraid his parents were going to try to have him found incompetent—a fear Emmett and I had discussed with only each other since he was in the rehab center—so they could have legal control over him and all his assets.

In hindsight, saying it that way was a bad idea. Edward was pissed and began yelling. It took us a few minutes to get him calmed down. We waited for even longer to make sure Edward’s bout of anger hadn’t woken Carlisle and Esme. I had no idea how the two would take to walking in on a secret meeting between us, but the worry was unfounded. They slept right through it.

Eventually, we came to a decision we could all live with. Since it was the holidays, and his parents would probably wait until after the new year to do anything legally, we were going to sit tight for the moment. New Year’s Day seemed like the best day of action, being the start of a brand new year and the season of starting over. So, that was when we planned for Edward and Emmett to tell Esme and Carlisle that Edward was moving in with me. Emmett thought it was the best way, because he said he’d felt that the last few attempts his parents had made to “discuss” things with me were all part of a plan to intimidate me. If I felt like I couldn’t handle Edward, or doubted my place in Edward’s life, then I would be one less obstacle in the way. That information did not sit well with Edward, either. He was even more pissed off when Emmett voiced that opinion.

Emmett was to be our enforcer. He had planned on telling his parents if they made any attempts to stop Edward from leaving, then he would take them to court on Edward’s behalf. Emmett had already contacted and secured a lawyer for that exact scenario.

It wasn’t court that bothered Emmett and I, nor did we really care if Esme and Carlisle had things settled legally on their own. What scared us was that they were under no obligation to let us know what was going on. If they decided to try and have Edward found incompetent, we could be left in the dark, and their testimony, along with court appointed doctors and psychiatrists, would determine Edward’s fate. With the way Esme and Carlisle viewed their son, Edward didn’t stand a chance in hell of walking out of a courtroom with his freedom. Leaving before his parents could gain any real and viable control was the only option.

~.~.~.~

The spirit of the season was marred with the tension floating in the house. Neither Carlisle nor Esme said more than what was absolutely necessary to me. For me, it confirmed they’d had more of an agenda than just “talking” to me. I kept telling myself it didn’t matter. We had a solid plan formed, and whatever they did from then on would be a moot point.

Edward and I went over to my dad’s and Sue’s house for Christmas Eve. It was the first time since everything had gone to shit that Edward had seen them. Sue shocked Edward by hugging him after he entered the house. While she hadn’t been as open about her dislike as Dad had been, she still hadn’t been his biggest fan before the accident. Dad even surprised me by asking Edward how he was doing, and the concern was genuine.

“Sue, this is good. I forgot how good of a cook you are,” Edward said.

Sue smiled. “Thank you, Edward.”

We had sat down to eat, and it was the first meal Edward and I had in with my dad and stepmother that wasn’t tense. Of course, Edward had been noticeably high during most of those dinners, and Charlie had been upset Edward had the audacity to show up stoned to his house. The contrast was obvious. Dad actually engaged Edward in conversation, instead of glaring at him the entire time.

“So, Edward, how are things?”  Dad asked.

“Um, I’m okay,” Edward said, nodding his head. “I’ve been going to doctor appointments and trying to stay well. Oh, and did Bella tell you about Emmett’s pet shop?”

Dad laughed. “She did. I’m still trying to picture him working with animals. I just don’t see it. I guess, though, you gotta do what you gotta do to be happy.”

“Yep. I feel the same way,” Edward agreed, looking over at me.

Since the accident, Edward had become such a fucking sap. His comments made me blush, and I ducked my head. The conversation around the table for the rest of the time was pleasant. I had been worried about how things would go, but it had been for nothing. It was nice to have a stress free night with Edward.

We did a small gift exchange in the living room once we had eaten enough to make our stomachs hurt. It was Sue’s pumpkin pie that did us in. That stuff was the nectar of the gods, and I always ended up eating too much of it.

Dad and Sue were very generous with Edward’s presents that year. In the past, they’d gotten him generic gifts, such as clothes. I could tell more thought had been put into them that time around, because they had gotten a couple of baseball caps. They were aware of how insecure Edward was about his hair. It hadn’t grown out yet, and the scars were still visible. Seeing the hats let me know that Dad had been listening to me during our daily phone calls, and it was his way of saying he accepted my choice in Edward.

That was the best Christmas present he could have given me.

~.~.~.~

December 25, 2003

Edward and I woke up mid morning, because we could. Since Alice and Jasper weren’t supposed to be at the house until the afternoon, there was no need to get up at the crack of dawn.

“Mmmm…good morning,” Edward said in a sleepy voice.

“Morning,” I mumbled, blinking to clear the last of the sleep out from eyes.

Edward snuggled closer to my side, moving until he was almost on top of me. He ran his hand down my ribcage and buried his head into my neck. His warm breath caressed the skin on my throat, causing me to shiver.

“So, can I unwrap my present yet?” he asked.

“They’re all under the tree. You know your mom is going to make us eat first,” I whispered.

“No, I want to open this one,” he muttered, tugging on my t-shirt. “I’ve been a really good boy the past couple of months. I think I deserve it.”

“Oh, you do?” I teased. “What makes you think sex was one of you Christmas gifts?”

“Because it’s what I was getting you, too,” Edward said, kissing my neck.

He shifted and slid over me, bringing his face close to mine. I parted my legs to give him room to lie between them. The feeling of his full body weight on me ignited my desire, and I massaged his scalp with my fingers as he placed his lips on mine, kissing me forcefully.

I moaned into his mouth when his hands moved, grazing the sides of my breasts. His erection brushed my inner thigh as he thrust against me gently. He broke away from me, panting, and stared into my eyes.

“Convinced you yet?” he asked, breathless.

“Fine. You win,” I muttered.

He smiled that crooked grin I could never say no to. Oh, who was I kidding? The man knew what he was doing, and I never wanted to say no.

Edward lifted his torso off of my chest and pulled my shirt up, exposing my naked breasts. He leaned down and took one of my nipples into his mouth and bit it lightly. I shoved my fist into my mouth to muffle the sounds that wanted to escape from his attention. His touch was burning me from the inside out.

Heavy footsteps sounded outside the door. We froze and waited to see if anyone would dare to try to knock. Edward had locked the door before we went to bed, but that didn’t mean they would go away.

They paused for a few moments and then continued on until the hallway was silent.

“Fuck,” Edward muttered.

“I guess that was our cue to get up,” I said, pushing my hair back off of my forehead.

“Fuck them. Whoever it was interrupted my Bella time,” he said, moving his head back down to my chest.

“Edward,” I whined, pushing him away by his shoulders. “They’ll just come back. We should probably get up.”

“You’re no fun. Maybe if they heard us, they’d know better than to do that next time,” Edward complained.

I sighed and rubbed my face. “That’s not going to happen. Get off of me.”

He grunted and rolled off. “Fine. I’ll just have to jerk off in the shower. Or you could join me?”

I hopped off the bed and started undressing. “Okay, but we’ll have to hurry.”

Edward and I were calm by the time we entered the kitchen, having had a successful morning shower. Emmett smiled knowingly at us as we sat down at the table. Breakfast already covered the surface, so we grabbed some plates and filled them up.

Christmas dinner in the Cullen household was a much more laid back affair. Since all the stops were pulled out for Thanksgiving, Christmas consisted more of snacks and ways to make your own sandwiches. The focus was more on the family and spending time together.

Alice and Jasper showed up around three o’clock, an hour after Esme had asked them to be there. When Carlisle asked why they were late, Alice just shrugged and said something had come up. I rolled my eyes, knowing the reason was that Alice was a procrastinator. That bitch would be late to her own funeral.

I tried to ignore her. Her voice and overall attitude were like nails on a chalkboard. It was strange to think of Alice that way, because at one time, I never thought I’d harbor feelings of dislike toward her. Times had definitely changed.

We settled into the living room, with Edward and I on the love seat, Alice and Jasper on the couch across from us, Esme and Carlisle in the chairs at the other end, and Emmett sitting on the floor in front of us. In a way, it was almost as if we had taken sides—us, being Emmett, Edward, and I, against them, Carlisle, Esme, Alice, and Jasper. It was not a very comfortable feeling.

The presents were handed out and passed to the appropriate people. I noticed right away that Edward’s parents had been more generous with their gifts to me than I’d thought. With all of the tension between us in the previous weeks, I was certain that their frustrations with me would have shone through at Christmas time.  

Alice, on the other hand, well, she didn’t disappoint. I opened the small gift from her, and inside was a pair of socks—a plain, white pair. I had no idea how to feel about what she had given me. To me, Christmas time was less about presents and more about the sentiment behind the gifts. If she had been poor, and it was all she could have afforded, I would have treasured the fact that she had thought of me.

That wasn’t what was going on, though. Alice had money and loved to show her affection through the things she could buy for others. She’d shown it in the plane tickets to the Caribbean she’d gotten her parents, the laptop she’d given Edward, and the ski trip Emmett had received. I wasn’t stupid. I saw my present for what it was—a big fuck you.

I smiled and put the present off to the side, so I could open the other ones still wrapped. Alice was probably waiting for me to cry or have some kind of outburst, but it wasn’t going to happen. Nothing she did, or could do, would bother me anymore. I knew where we stood with each other, even if she didn’t. I’d moved past the hatred and anger I’d felt toward her; she just wasn’t worth the emotion it took to conjure up those feelings. I was indifferent, not caring about he, at all.

I could tell that Alice was mad she hadn’t gotten the reaction she was looking for by the time everyone had unwrapped their gifts. She was short with her parents and brothers when they spoke to her. Jasper just sat quietly, not saying a word. He seemed more uncomfortable than the rest of us. He would answer questions when asked, or participate with minimal effort in conversations, but he went out of his way to avoid any and all contact with Edward.

Once the wrapping paper was cleaned up, we sat and talked. Carlisle announced that he was going to retire. Alice, Emmett, and Edward seemed to be supportive of the decision. I thought it was good, because no matter what his reason for doing it, Esme needed her husband.

“Well, you’ll definitely be able to use those tickets, then,” Alice said.

“Oh, yes,” Esme said. “It would be nice to get away, but I worry about Edward if we were so far away.”

“I’ll be fine, Mom,” Edward replied. “Bella and Emmett will be here. It’s not like I’m going to be alone.”

“Of course Bella is going to be here,” Alice said, standing up and placing her hand on her hip. “She never leaves. I can’t believe that you’re okay with her sponging off our parents like she is.”

“I’m not sponging off your parents, Alice,” I retorted. “If you were ever around, you’d know I’ve been helping out. But you’re not, so I wouldn’t expect you to know that.”

“I’m sorry not all of us can drop our lives to be around all the time,” Alice said.

“Yeah, right. You wouldn’t do it regardless of how much time you’d have to put in. Be honest, you just don’t give a damn.”

“That’s my brother, you slut. I know why you have stuck around. You want his money. Well, I hope Mom and Dad figure out a way that you’ll never be able to touch it!” Alice yelled.

Before I could reply to Alice’s false accusation, Edward had stood up and was face to face with Alice.

“That’s enough, Alice,” Edward said in dangerous tone. “That is also the last time you talk to her that way. I don’t know what crawled up your ass and died, but I’ve had it.”

“Oh, fuck off, Edward. I can’t believe you’re so blind. She’s going to leave you again…and then what? We’ll be left to pick up the pieces.”

“Even if that does happen, it’s still none of your business. I do know that you won’t be the one doing it. You’re such a selfish bitch. You’ll be too worried about Alice to care about anyone else,” Edward seethed.

“Edward,” Esme admonished, trying to get in between them. “That’s enough. You don’t mean that. I think you should apologize to your sister.”

“Not a chance in hell,” Edward said. “I’m not a child, _Mother_. Back the fuck off.”

“Now, Edward, calm down. You’re taking this too far,” Carlisle said, getting in the middle of things.

Edward stepped back, closing his eyes. After a few moments, he looked over at me and Emmett—we were still sitting where we had been. The look in his eyes told me that all our plans were about to go to shit. He turned back to his parents and sister.

“I’m done. After tonight, I’m moving out. I’m tired of everything, and I need to get some space between me and you guys.”

“Edward, be reasonable,” Esme pleaded. “You can’t take care of yourself. You—”

“Mom, enough,” Emmett said, coming to stand behind Edward. “He’s more capable of taking care of himself than you have given him credit for.”

“He’s not mentally capable of taking care of himself,” Esme argued.

“That’s where you’re wrong. He’s never been found to be mentally incompetent. You and Dad were only in charge in the hospital because of the coma. There is no legal reason for him to even be here. I only went along with it because, at the time, I thought it was for the best. No more, though,” Emmett stated.

“And if we try to get that changed?”  Carlisle asked, staring Emmett down.

“I’ll see you in court. I already have a lawyer, so you better find a good one. I love you both, but I’m not going to stand by and let this continue anymore. You’re putting my brother’s life at risk with the stress you constantly put him under, and you both know that Bella is the one that needs to be taking care of him. She’s the only one that can keep him calm,” Emmett said, crossing his arms and standing his ground.

“I can’t believe how ungrateful you’re being, Edward. After everything Mom and Dad have done for you?” Alice accused.

“Yeah, I should be thankful that they treat me like a retarded child, Alice. Fuck you,” Edward said.

I went over to stand beside Edward and put my arm around his waist in support. I wasn’t sure if how Edward had revealed what he had planned was for the best, but I was going to stand by Edward’s decision, no matter what. Like Emmett and I had agreed, it was Edward’s life. He’d been barred from having any choice for far too long.

“It doesn’t have to be this way,” Carlisle pleaded, looking right at Edward.

“Actually, it does. _You_ made that decision. Not me.” Edward crossed his arms and glared at his parents.

“Edward, Daddy and I—” Esme started to say.

“Christ! I’m not fucking two!” Edward shouted, closing his eyes. “You’re the worst one, _Mom_.  I get it. You think I’m fucked in the head and need you to play Mommy. Well, guess what? It’s not necessary. I’m done. And if you’re not careful, this will be the last time you ever see me.”

Edward took a deep breath, and then he put his arm around me. Esme stood across from him, tears falling from her eyes. Carlisle looked pissed but stayed silent. I was sure he was mad that Edward had upset his mother. I didn’t feel one ounce of sympathy for the woman, though. She had pushed and pushed until Edward couldn’t take any more. I wondered if she realized she was reaping what she had sown, or if she was still delusional and thought that she was being singled out.

“He’s going home, and that’s it,” Emmett said, moving to stand beside Edward and placing a hand on his shoulder. “This situation is no longer healthy for him. Mom, I’m sorry, but you’re smothering him.”

Carlisle embraced his wife, whispering in her ear. I squeezed Edward tightly, trying to silently show him I was so proud that he had stood up for himself.

“I hope you’re happy,” Alice said in a disgusted voice. “Once again, you’re choosing your whore over your family. Bravo.”

“Alice,” Emmett warned.

“That’s fucking it!” Edward yelled, stepping away from me. For the second time that day, he was right in front of Alice’s face. I looked over at Jasper, and he was standing off to the side, taking everything in.

 _What a great boyfriend_ , I thought. _Way to defend the one you love_.

“I warned you. Bella hasn’t done anything to you, and you’re treating her like she’s below you. That’s fucking comical. She’s better than you’ll ever be. I’m finished with you. Don’t call and don’t show up at our house. As far as I am concerned, I don’t have a sister.”

Alice gasped, looking up at Edward. He stared her down for another moment, giving her a hateful glare, and then he turned away from her. Edward stalked past everyone and headed to the room his parents had set up for him. I had no desire to deal with his parents, or his disowned sibling, so I followed him out of the room.

When I entered, I found him lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling. Slowly, I went over to the bed and positioned myself next to him. He reached out and pulled me into his side.

“I’m really sorry,” he murmured, staring at me.

I turned toward him, furrowing my brow. “Sorry for what?”

“For blowing everything. For ruining yours and Emmett’s plan,” Edward said, looking upset.

“It’s okay,” I ran my fingertips over the stubble on his chin. “I understand, and I’m not mad. Yeah, it might have been better if we’d stuck to the plan, but this is fine, too. I’m sure Emmett is sneaky enough to come up with a plan B.”

“Damn right I am,” I heard Emmett say.

I looked toward the door and noticed I’d forgotten to shut it. Oops.

“So, little brother, that was some speech,” Emmett admitted, sitting down on the bed beside me. Edward and I sat up against the headboard.

“Yeah,” Edward muttered, rubbing the back of his neck. “I just couldn’t take anymore.”

Emmett nodded. “It’s all right, man. I don’t know if I could have taken them talking like that about my girl, either. So, it’s going to be okay.”

Edward chuckled lightly. “So, when are we leaving?”

“Um, we could leave tomorrow,” I suggested, looking up at Edward. “I’m tired, and I’m sure both of you are, too.”

Emmett looked over at Edward. “Sound good to you?”

“Yeah…” Edward trailed off. “I guess that will work. We can get out of here in the morning.”

~.~.~.~

December 26, 2003

As soon as Edward and I woke up, we began packing the few things we had at Esme’s and Carlisle’s house. Emmett had gone to mine and Edward’s house and gotten some boxes we had stored from our last move. Edward didn’t want to waste a moment and even went as far as declining breakfast when Esme had asked if he was hungry.  

It was almost comical when she entered the room. I believed that she thought he hadn’t been serious the previous day, because when she took in the boxes and bags on the floor, her eyes widened. She tried to “talk some sense into Edward” as she put it, but he didn’t even pay attention to her. Instead, he busied himself with filling boxes. Esme continued to talk to him as he gathered things until she realized he wasn’t going to listen to her. She ended up leaving in a huff.

It only took two hours to clear everything we wanted to take with us out of the room. Around mid morning, Emmett came in and helped us load our boxes and bags up. We had decided to take both mine and Emmett’s cars to transport our things. It made it easier that one car wasn’t so full it was hard to see out the back window.

Esme and Carlisle didn’t even come and say goodbye once we were ready to leave. I guessed that both of them were still mad about how things had turned out. It didn’t matter, though. We had done things their way, and it had failed…terribly. For the sake of Edward’s health, it was time to try something—anything—else.

Edward was calm, the calmest I’d seen in a long time, on the drive to our house. It was how his homecoming should have been from the beginning. I tried not to think about how much better he might have been had his parents stayed out of the way, and Edward had gone home with me from the rehab center like I’d wanted him to. Hindsight was twenty-twenty, and dwelling on the _what ifs_ was not going to help anything.

Pulling into our driveway, a sense of rightness hit me.

It was good to be home. 


	27. New Slang

December 31, 2003

It was wishful thinking on my part that moving out of Edward’s parents’ house would solve all our problems. Instead of being a constant stress that was in our faces, they had become a long distance nuisance since we’d left the day after Christmas. Esme had taken to calling our house and cell phones every chance she got to “check up on Edward” for the past four days. What she was really trying to do was guilt him into coming home; at least, that was what I’d gathered from the few times Edward decided to pick up. Eventually, he stopped answering the phone, and so did I when their number came across the caller ID.

In many ways, her “concern” was like a fresh slap in the face every damn time. I just didn’t get it. They were making no move to try and find Edward incapable of taking care of himself—I knew that because Emmett was on what he called “full alert” and was in contact with his lawyer daily. Emmett was starting to feel like his parents were worried that they wouldn’t win, which may have been why they hadn’t taken the legal route. Either that or it was the holidays that were stopping them from taking action. The only thing we could do at the moment was to wait and see.

Edward and I, amidst all of Esme’s guilt tripping, tried to find who we were as a couple again. Besides sneaking intimacy whenever we could, while we had lived with Carlisle and Esme, we hadn’t really talked about the events leading up to Edward’s accident or what was going to happen next. There had been no time and not enough privacy for it to happen before.

That topic scared the shit out of me. While Edward hadn’t expressed the desire to use again, he hadn’t said that he was finished, either. I had no way of knowing if the cravings were still there, and I was the only one that was keeping him from falling into that downward spiral once more. Even more, I worried that I wasn’t enough—if I was the only one standing in the way of his addictions—to keep him on the straight and narrow path. I dreaded the topic with every fiber of my being, but I knew that it was coming soon.  

~.~.~.~

“Look at those fucking idiots.” Edward laughed, pointing toward the television screen. “There is no way you’d ever get my ass to stand outside like that in the freezing cold.”

“Ah, but it’s not about the cold, brother. People go there for the experience,” Emmett explained, taking a sip of his drink.

“Fuck that. If I’m celebrating New Year’s Eve outside, my ass will be somewhere warm. I don’t give a damn if it’s ‘an experience.’ Standing outside in Times Square in the dead of winter _at night_ for any reason is crazy,” Edward countered as he leaned back, draping his arm around my shoulder.

I snuggled in closer, soaking up his affection. Edward and Emmett had been playfully bickering back and forth for the last thirty minutes, ever since we’d turned on the New Year’s Eve countdown. I just wanted to ring in the New Year. I didn’t care that watching the ball drop meant we had to witness the spectacle of New York live on T.V. Edward, on the other hand, bitched and moaned about the morons in the cold. Since the accident, his tolerance for all things below seventy degrees had become non-existent. Emmett didn’t help things one bit—he liked to tease Edward every chance he got. Earlier in the day, when he’d come over, he asked Edward if he wanted to go out and make snow angels, which had earned him a _fuck off and die_ from Edward. Emmett’s response had been to laugh and roll around on the floor in amusement.

They were both a couple of fuckers.

Edward wrapped his arms around me, squeezing me tight as we waited for the countdown to begin. For the first time in a long time, I was content. Worries about whether or not Esme was going to come around the corner and piss Edward off didn’t exist. Her attempts to annoy him were easily blocked by turning off the phone.

Alice had respected Edward’s wishes and didn’t try to contact us. In a way, I figured it made things easier for her, because she would no longer have to feign concern and give out excuses when she came around. Edward and I had discussed the Alice situation, and we’d agreed that she wasn’t worth the effort any more. For better or worse, that problem had been solved by cutting her out of our lives. I wasn’t upset at all about the decision—she was Edward’s sister, and whatever he wanted to do about it was fine with me. There was no love lost on my end—at all.

And, by default, Jasper had been cut out, as well. Since he had chosen to pursue a relationship with Alice, he had been resigned to the same fate as she was. It made me sad, because he hadn’t even tried to contact Edward, or even me, since Edward had come home. After the years of friendship shared between Edward and Jasper, I was sure that Jasper would have been one of the people who would have been there for him. It was not meant to be, though.

“Oh, here we go,” Emmett said, pointing out that the countdown was beginning.

I turned toward Edward and leaned in as the crowd on the television shouted out the countdown from ten. He stared into my eyes and licked his lips as the moment grew closer.

 _Three_.

I placed my arms around his neck while he grasped my side, pulling me close.

 _Two_.

“Dude, remember I’m still here. No sex on the couch,” Emmett warned, chuckling.

Edward removed his hand, and I saw him give his brother the middle finger.

 _One_.

His hand immediately went back to my side and pulled me forward as his lips smashed into mine. The kiss was not the kind that was appropriate when you had guests, but the way he explored my mouth with his tongue, Emmett’s existence flitted from my mind.

“Ahem,” Emmett said, clearing his throat.

We reluctantly pulled away from each other, and my face heated up in embarrassment. I looked up at Edward and saw a smug smile pulling on the corner of his lips.

“You suck,” I whispered, letting go of him.

“No, I lick. You’re the one who sucks,” Edward teased quietly, moving quickly out of the way when I went to smack him.

“So, where’s my New Year’s kiss?” Emmett asked sweetly.

“Incest really isn’t my thing, Em,” Edward mock chastised.

“Not you, pretty boy. I was talking to Bella.” Emmett wiggled his eyebrows playfully.

Edward put his arms around me and pulled me back into his chest. “She’s mine, you know. I’m not sharing. Go get a girlfriend of your own.”

“Nope, I’ve decided that I’m stealing her from you. She’s too good for you,” Emmett said teasingly as he got up from the floor and sat next to me. He grabbed me and tugged me toward him, starting a tug of war between brothers.

“Oh my God!” I yelled, trying to wiggle my way out of their holds. “I’m not the last piece of pie or some toy to fight over. Let me go!”

Both men dropped their arms and burst out laughing. I rolled my eyes, thinking that I was the only sane person left in the room.

“Both of you are horrible. And you,” I pointed at Emmett, “what makes you think I want your grubby lips on me, anyway?”

Emmett clutched his chest playfully. “Ouch! I thought I was your favorite.”

“Nope, the knucklehead on the other side of me is. Sorry.” I chuckled and shook my head.

Edward leaned around me and stuck his tongue out at his brother. 

“See, she loves me more. So, like I said, go get your own girlfriend.” Edward rested his head on my shoulder and stared at his brother with pretend annoyance.

“Not even a little peck on the cheek?” Emmett playfully pouted.

“Really, Emmett?” I chastised, pushing his shoulder. I noticed he didn’t even move when I made contact with him. Was it too much to ask for him to at least humor me? _Ass_.

“Fine, you big baby. But just on the cheek. We don’t want Edward to get jealous,” I teased.

He leaned over and placed a chaste peck on my cheek, grinning as he did. “Are you finished slobbering on my girl now, Em?” Edward asked as he glared at his brother.

“Yep, I’m good. Continue molesting the poor girl,” Emmett said, standing up and walking toward the kitchen.

“I can’t wait until he leaves. I love my brother, but I like it when it’s just us,” Edward admitted as he ran the tip of his nose along the side of my neck. The action caused me to shiver, and I started to wish that Emmett had already left, as well.

“He’s not leaving until morning,” I whispered, relishing in the feeling of his attention. “Remember, we didn’t want him out with all the drunk crazies.”

“Fuck,” Edward uttered the low oath. “I forgot.”

I turned in his arms and chuckled at the forlorn expression on his face. “That’s not going to stop me from hitting up on you,” Edward promised, his eyes glittering with mischief. “It’s the first day of the New Year, and we need to celebrate it properly. “

~.~.~.~

The three of us called it a night not long after one, deciding we’d stayed up long enough. Emmett said he was tired, but I was sure he knew that Edward and I had alternate plans that didn’t include him and was trying to be a good brother by bowing out gracefully. I loved him even more for that.

It didn’t take long for Edward and me to retire to our own room. The moment the door shut, Edward was on me, kissing my neck and removing my shirt. I felt his hands skim down my sides as I pulled his shirt up as far as it would go. He backed up slightly, and I began taking the rest of my garments off. I licked my lips, watching each sliver of his skin become visible as I backed up against the bed. His clothes came off as he walked toward me.

I lay back on the bed, and Edward followed, crawling and stalking me like I was his prey. His warm body covered mine when I reached the head of the bed, and I looked deep into those green eyes. All of the love and devotion I knew he possessed stared back at me, covering me in its heat. I rose up, pecking the corner of his mouth and continuing my kisses until my lips were even with his. His hand grabbed the back of my head, and we met in a wild and passionate lip lock.  

Edward broke the kiss just as quickly as he initiated it, lowering his mouth to the skin on my breast. The heat that had started was building with each press of his lips against me. My fingers wove themselves into the silky strands at the back of his head, and I held on as if the feel of his hair in my hands would ground me.

“Don’t tease,” I pleaded, not knowing if I was committed to the request or not. His mouth had moved further south and was taunting the skin of my abdomen. It was a delicious torment that was driving me mad.

“Do you really want me to stop, baby?” he asked, sliding his hands up my torso and cupping my breasts.

“Mmmmmm,” I moaned, unable to respond with actual words. I arched my back as his tongue dipped into my navel.

“I want you so badly,” he groaned into my stomach. “Are you ready for me?”

“Edward, you know I want you,” I panted, watching him inch his way back toward me. He leaned over to the nightstand when his body was flush with mine, grabbing a foil packet from the drawer. With his teeth, he opened the package. I took it from him and rolled the latex over his member, making him shudder when my fingers made contact.

Edward lowered himself between my legs, and his erection nestled itself against my thigh. Sliding over my outer lips, he pushed two fingers inside and pumped them slowly. The sensation of him filling me, even though it wasn’t what I was craving, ignited the fire that only he had ever been able to stoke.

“Mmmm, Edward,” I called out quietly. He took my earlobe between his teeth and bit down gently. The combination of the love bite, his hot breath on my overheated skin, and the slight wetness from his mouth pushed me over the edge, making me call out his name and shivering violently. Edward kept up the pace, letting me ride out the last waves of ecstasy.

“Fuck, Bella,” he whispered after I was able to come back to myself. He pulled his fingers out and lined up his tip with my core. Hovering over me, he kissed me as he pushed in. The feeling of him joining with me was so much better than his fingers had been moments before, and the pleasure was already starting to build once more.

I wrapped my legs around his thighs, needing him closer as he thrust slowly in me. Our eyes locked, and I told him with my stare that he was the only man I had ever wanted—I had ever loved. His own gaze communicated that I was his salvation, his anchor in rough and stormy waters, and his forever. His pace quickened as my heels met his ass.

He was panting and muttering incoherently, lost in his own bliss. I reached up and pulled his forehead to my own, unwilling to break the connection we’d made with our locked eyes. I needed him with me, sharing in our physical manifestation of love.

“I love you,” I said, not taking my eyes from his. He cried out, shaking on top of me. I could feel him twitch inside of me, and it triggered my own release. Holding him tightly to me, I let my orgasm wash over, and it threatened to shatter me.

Edward let his full weight fall on me, his heavy breathing and non-responsiveness worrying me. I shook his shoulder lightly. “Edward?”

“I’m okay,” he rasped into the side of my neck. “Just give me a minute. I think I died for a second there.”

I smacked him, making him yelp. He raised his head. “Damn, woman. Why did you hit me?”

“I thought you really were dead for a moment. Don’t tease about shit like that.”

“No sense of humor,” Edward muttered, rolling off of me.

“I’m serious. What if you die while we’re having sex or something one day?” I asked, turning on my side toward him. The cold air in the room met my sweaty skin and made me shiver.

“I’ll die a happy man then,” he answered, shrugging as he looked at me.

 I sighed, his nonchalant attitude making me upset. I tried to hide it, but of course, Edward caught on. He pulled me to him, wrapping me in his arms. The tip of his nose nudged my cheek. I buried my face into the side of his neck, refusing to look at him.

“Bella, look at me,” Edward whispered in my ear.

I shook my head.

“Please, baby.”

God, when he said things like that, it made it hard to deny him. I peeked through my lashes.

He kissed me chastely. “I love you. I’m sorry.”

I nuzzled in as close as I could, sighing. “I can’t think about you dying. I know I can’t go through the possibility of you not being here again.”

I felt him squeeze me tightly to him. “Okay, no more joking about death. I’m a jerk, and I apologize again.”

I pulled away slightly, shaking my head. “Yes, you’re a jerk sometimes, but you’re my jerk.”

“Damn straight,” Edward agreed, reaching down and pulling the covers over us.

 I yawned, not realizing until that moment how tired I was. Edward leaned his head down and pecked my lips. “Goodnight, baby. Happy New Year.”

“Yes, it is. I think it’s our best one yet. I love you.”

“I love you, too. More than anything in the world.”

~.~.~.~

January 1, 2004

The morning light seeped through the closed blinds, hitting my eyes and waking me up way too early. Edward had gone from holding me tightly to being coiled around me like a snake sometime during the night. I extracted myself as carefully as I could, trying to avoid waking Edward up. Ever so slowly, I slid my still naked form out from the covers, planting my feet on the floor.

I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and then I dressed myself and went to the kitchen. Emmett was standing in front of the stove when I entered.

“Good morning,” Emmett said, flipping the pancakes on the griddle.

“Yeah, morning,” I muttered, still sleepy.

“Did you know that your walls are thin?” he asked as he continued to watch the pancakes cook. “I wasn’t aware of that fact until last night. Who would have thought Edward was a moaner?”

“You’re an ass, Emmett.” My face turned red with embarrassment. “No one told you to listen.”

“My room was down the hall. There was no way I could have blocked that shit out. There are some things I should never know about my brother, or sister-in-law, and now I’ll have to bleach my brain.” Emmett shuddered.

Even though I was mortified by the fact that Emmett had heard Edward and I having sex, it did warm my heart that he had referred to me as his sister-in-law. Those two emotions did not go together, and I was having a hard time figuring out which one to settle on. During the slight war I was having inside my head, Emmett had finished the pancakes and set the plate down on the table. I joined him, filling my plate and eating silently.

Edward appeared in the kitchen shortly after we’d started eating. Emmett teased him, and Edward brushed him off, seeming to be unconcerned that Emmett had learned what his sex noises sounded like the night before.

After we finished breakfast, Edward and I cleaned up. I decided it may have not been the best idea when Edward soaked me with the spray nozzle. I retaliated by splashing him with the water in the stopped up sink. When our water war ended, the kitchen looked like a water bomb had gone off. The floor and counter tops were covered in water and suds, and we were, well, saturated.

Edward and I erupted in a fit of giggles when we realized just how much of a mess we’d made. It didn’t even matter in that moment, because it had been fun—something that we hadn’t experienced in a long time.

“Come on. Let’s get this cleaned up,” I said, setting off a new round of giggles.

Emmett came in sometime later and saw the water in the kitchen. His response was to shake his head and tell us we were insane. Edward just shrugged, countering that we could flood our kitchen if we wanted to, because it belonged to us. Emmett just waved and told us to have fun—that he would see us later.

After Emmett’s departure, and once the kitchen was dry, Edward and I changed. We ended up settling on the couch to watch television. There wasn’t really anything interesting on, but we didn’t feel like doing anything else. What started as trying to find a movie became us just cuddling.

 It was the perfect time to bring up all the things I’d put on the back burner because Edward wasn’t ready, or we didn’t have any privacy. I would have been content to let things go and keep the happy mood we had created, but those important questions needed to be addressed. They were about our future, and I had to know if Edward really wanted to stay sober, or if it was all an illusion that was going to disappear one day.

“Edward,” I said, gathering up my courage.

He shifted toward me, keeping me enclosed in his arms.

“Yeah,” he muttered, half paying attention to me.

“I think we need to talk.” Edward let go of me and turned off the T.V. I had his full attention as soon as the words left my lips.

“That sounds serious,” he tried to joke.

“Um, yeah, it is. I just didn’t know how to bring it up before now. I’m probably going to piss you off, but I really need to know,” I admitted, looking him in the eye.

“Now I’m really starting to worry,” he said with a weak laugh.

I reached over and took his hand in mine, running my finger over his knuckles. _This is it_. The accident and subsequent experiences had given me a boldness I’d never had before. Back then, the conversation about to happen would have never taken place. I would have been too scared to know the answer to the questions bubbling inside of me. But, since then, the consequences of what might happen far outweighed what it would do to me if I left things alone. I had to know.

“We need to talk about your addiction,” I said, continuing to caress his hand.

“Baby, I haven’t touched the stuff since I’ve come home. I swear. You have to believe me,” Edward said in a panicked voice.

I looked up at him, and I could see the fear in his eyes. _Fuck_. He thought I was accusing him of using again. I had to fix it, because that wasn’t what it was about.

 “I know,” I said quickly. “You’re either always with me or Emmett, and I know he’s not going to let you have anything. No, what I meant was…I guess what I’m trying to say is that I need to know what’s going on inside your head. Do you still crave it?”

He looked down, taking a deep breath. After a couple of minutes, he looked me in the eyes. I steeled myself for his answer.

“Honestly? Yeah, the craving is still there,” he admitted softly.

I shook my head, trying to hide my disappointment. As always, though, Edward saw right through me. Grabbing onto my chin, he tipped my head up to meet his eye.

“But…how I can explain it so you’ll understand?” He paused, staring into my eyes and chewing on his bottom lip. Minutes passed, and I sat there as he worked it out in his head. He sighed. “Before, getting high felt like breathing after being denied oxygen.  It was a lifeline for me. Now? It’s like a tug, but something that I can ignore. Bella, I meant what I said. I love you, and I’ll do anything to keep you.”

I let out a trembling breath. “I love you, too. I don’t want to leave you—you know that, right? I just…I can’t go through that again. I can’t watch you slowly kill yourself.”

“I know,” he said, his voice cracking. “I don’t want to die, either.”

I reached over and pulled Edward into a tight embrace. We sat still, just soaking up each other’s love and desperation to keep the other in our lives.

I pulled back first, resting my forehead against his. “I really want this to be a new beginning for us. I’ve let go of everything that happened in the past. I don’t want it to poison our future. I want to move on from this point, and I want us to be stronger than we ever were before. “

Edward smiled. “As long as you’re happy, then I’m happy, too.”


	28. Perfect Situation

February 1, 2004

In the past month, Edward and I had grown closer…closer than we had been before. Gone were the lies and deceit that had plagued us for so long, and instead, we were completely truthful with each other, even when it hurt.

That wasn’t to say our relationship was perfect. It was far from flawless. We still fought, and the times that Edward’s temper had gotten the best of him had been the worst. He’d always had a short fuse, and that part of him hadn’t changed. What had changed was I’d decided I would no longer be the doormat that let him get away with his tantrums. I’d fought back just as hard.  Sometimes we’d make up quickly, and other times we wouldn’t speak to each other for a few days after. The one thing that had stayed constant was the love we had for each other.

We’d gone through one of the worst things a couple could experience, the possibility of losing each other forever. There was nothing else that could happen—sans Edward using again—that could tear us apart.

The situation with his parents, in the end, had resolved itself. They’d given up and stepped to the side. All of Emmett’s and my planning had been for naught. Or maybe it hadn’t been. I was never able to tell if our careful because preparations made them stop because they knew they couldn’t win, or they bailed like they had always done where Edward was concerned. It didn’t matter to me either way, though. They continued to act like Edward was mentally below them, but we didn’t see them often. It helped Edward’s confidence a lot.

~.~.~.~

Edward was lying on the couch, watching television when I entered the room. We’d decided to have a movie night, something we’d not had in a long time. It had been years since we’d seen anything in the movie theatre—an activity we’d loved when we were in high school. Sitting at home with a movie and curling up on the couch together sounded like the perfect way to spend a lazy afternoon.

“Aren’t you sweet?” I teased, setting the bowl of popcorn on the coffee table. “You waited for me to start the movie.”

“I was too lazy to get up and grab the remote. I was hoping you’d start it.” Edward said, shrugging his shoulder.

“And they say chivalry is dead,” I muttered, pressing the play button. Edward turned onto his side so I could lie in front of him. I placed the popcorn bowl on the floor in front of us after I was situated. His arms wrapped around me, and I laid my head back on his chest.

Moments like those were my favorite, where nothing and no one existed but us. It was easy to get caught up in how right things had become and forget all of the pain of the past. Edward had truly become the man I’d always known he had in him. There were many parts of himself that he’d lost, but there were also many that had changed for the better.

He and I had discovered, after talking about it thoroughly, he had a missing chunk of time from a few months before the accident happened to around the time he left the rehab center. It was like it had been wiped from his memory. That had upset him greatly, but I told him it didn’t matter what had happened in those misplaced moments. We’d been given another chance to get it right, and that was all I wanted to focus on.

My attitude had shocked Edward, and I’d been sure he thought I’d be angry with him. However, I didn’t see the point. I’d meant what I’d said about having a second chance. If I ever wanted to move forward and make the best of what we had, then reliving in the past and damning him for those choices was not going to help anything. It would just create a lot of unnecessary hurt and pain. I had been living by the idea that when you forgave someone, you had to let go of everything.

Edward snorted, breaking me out of my thoughts. “This is supposed to be scary?”

I looked up at the screen. “I guess. Not everyone is as cynical as we are, you know.”

“Yeah, well, it sucks. We won’t be watching this again.”

It was my turn to snort. “Yes we will. In a few days, you’ll ask me why we haven’t watched it yet, because you’ll forget. And then you’ll argue with me when I tell you that we’ve already seen it.”

He kissed me on the side of my head. “Yeah, I think you like to make things up. You know my memory sucks, so you try to confuse me and make me believe we’ve done something when we really didn’t.”

I turned around, trying to fight the smile wanting to break out on my face. “Whatever. Do you really think I manipulate situations to my advantage?”

“If the roles were reversed, I would,” he said, laughing.

“I know. That’s why it’s good you have the memory of a guppy, and I don’t,” I teased lightheartedly.

“How you wound me, woman.” He pouted with a glimmer in his eye.

“Hush, you know you love me,” I said, smiling.

“Yeah, I do. I’m just lucky you put up with my pathetic ass.”

“Pretty much,” I said, teasing him further.

The movie kept playing in the background, forgotten, as we held each other. Our touches and kisses never escalated past the making out stage. I was content to keep things as they were, because it didn’t always have to be about sex. Sometimes, close contact was enough for me.

~.~.~.~

March 1, 2004

The opening of Emmett’s pet shop was getting close, and we were helping him do some last minute preparations. It had turned out better than I’d ever expected, and after much pleading and begging from Emmett, I’d ended up deciding to work there, as well. He and I had worked out a schedule so someone would always be with Edward when he wasn’t working. It was important, because even though he was capable of taking care of himself, someone had to be around in case he had a seizure.

The seizures had evened out for the most part in regards to frequency, but they still fucking scared me. The week before, he’d been standing in the living room talking, and then all of a sudden, his features went white. The moment I looked at his face and realized his words were slurring like he was drunk, I knew it was about to hit.

We got through it, though. After he came out of his unconscious stage, and I got him into bed, he slept for the rest of the day. I did what I always did after his seizures. I sat with him and watched him sleep. It never would get easier to deal with them, but I was still able to turn the part of my brain off that freaked out in the middle of it.

Once the shop opened, I was going to be the unofficial assistant manager/secretary/chick that did whatever Emmett asked. My job, basically, was to fill in wherever needed. It was fine with me, because it gave me the freedom to work in different areas. Emmett did, though, hire someone who was qualified to take care of the pets we were going to sell. Angela, who was studying to be a veterinarian, loved animals and fit right in.

I liked Angela right away, and Edward and I both thought she’d be perfect for Emmett. She was everything that Rosalie hadn’t been—kind, sweet, and caring. When it was just Edward, Emmett, and I, Edward was relentless in his teasing of Emmett. He said it was payback for all the times Emmett had given him grief about me. I would just laugh and tell Emmett I’d ask her out for him if he was too shy to do it himself.

He told us to both go to hell and not bother her.

I could see, every time she’d come in to help with something, there was more there than just respect for an employer/employee. Emmett looked at her like she was the most interesting person in the world, and she hung on his every word. I knew it was only a matter of time before they’d figure out they were perfect for each other. And, honestly, Emmett deserved happiness more than anyone in the world.

 _I’m totally kicking his ass if he doesn’t ask her out in the next month, though. Edward and I bet on how long it would take. He will make me lose if he doesn’t get his ass in gear_.

 Edward’s job was simpler than mine, because Emmett decided early on that his brother would probably work better away from the public. Instead, Edward was in charge of ordering products for the store and basic office functions. The man was a genius for thinking of the job, because Edward took to it quickly.

The rest of our staff consisted mostly of high school kids. It was fine, because they were mainly responsible for stocking and waiting on customers directly.

“Can you believe we open next week?” Emmett asked, taping a sign to the front window.

“I know. You’ve done a great job with the place,” I said, holding a few signs that were going up next.

“I just had an idea. It was you and Edward who helped make it a reality. Going into business together was the best thing I’ve ever done.” Emmett nodded, turning toward me.

I shook my head, embarrassed by his words. I didn’t feel like I’d done much in the planning of the shop. I’d just agreed to work at the place. That honor was all Edward and Emmett.

“What’s your boyfriend doing, anyway? I haven’t seen him in a while,” Emmett muttered as he took another sign from me.

“Last time I saw him, he was checking the inventory in the back. He wants to make sure we have everything,” I said, shuffling the paper in my hands.

“Hmm,” Emmett mused.

“Angela was back there, too, when I came out here. I’m sure she’s still with him,” I said, hoping to ease any worry he had. He knew that I’d never leave Edward alone.

“You’re probably right,” Emmett said, moving down and taking another sign.

“I love her, you know,” I said nonchalantly. “You really should—”

Emmet huffed and hit his head on the glass in front of him. “You guys will never give up, will you?”

“Nope.” I laughed loudly.

Just then, Edward and Angela came out of the back room. They were laughing, and the sight warmed my heart.

When Angela had first been hired, Emmett explained Edward’s condition to her. He’d given her the abridged version of what had happened, and she’d shown nothing but concern. Emmett had wanted to make sure she was aware, so if Edward had a seizure at work, it wouldn’t freak her out. Since that day, she’d been extremely helpful with keeping an eye on Edward if something needed Emmett’s or my attention.

Edward liked her right away, because she treated him like a normal person and not someone who was mentally challenged.  She fit right in with us—giving as good as she got. I’d even invited her over a few times to hang out with us. Angela was fast becoming a good friend.

“I’m stealing your boyfriend for a little while,” Angela said as she and Edward came over to where Emmett and I were.

“Is that so? Do you want to keep him?” I asked playfully.

“I see how you are.” Edward stuck out his bottom lip in a pout. “Giving me away to another female.”

“Fine. He wants to stay with me. Although, I have no idea why. Earlier today, he told me I was mean, because I didn’t want to lie in bed all morning,” I teased with a smile.

“Yeah, well, maybe I was trying to be subtle and not just come out and say I wanted you to fuck me,” Edward stated matter-of-factly.

Angela erupted in giggles, and Emmett covered his ears and groaned.

“Man, I don’t need to hear about my baby brother wanting to get it on with his girl. Now I’m going to have to pretend my virgin ears didn’t hear that.”

“I think it’s sweet,” Angela mused quietly.

“Well, yeah, I guess,” Emmett muttered, red-faced.

Edward snickered, and I tried to hold my laughter in.

 _Yeah, Emmett isn’t interested in Angela, at all. I think the boy doth protest too much_.

“We’re going to get food. I’m starving. What do you want?” Angela asked, changing the subject flawlessly.

Emmett and I both told her what we wanted, and she and Edward left. Not many people were able to deal with how brash and, sometimes, unfiltered Edward was. Angela, though, didn’t mind at all. She’d said it was refreshing that he spoke his mind, and she didn’t have to wonder if he was telling the truth or not. The two of them had become friends, and in some ways, in the few weeks she’d been around, acting like the sister that Alice had never been.

After Angela and Edward came back with lunch, we took a break to eat. The conversation flowed easily, and I realized just how right things seemed to be at the moment. Everything was falling into place, and for the first time in a long time, I wasn’t worried about when the other shoe was going to drop.

~.~.~.~

March 3, 2004

A couple of days later, Edward and I decided to take a day off from getting the store ready. We’d been putting in a lot of hours, and it was starting to take its toll on him. Emmett was fine with it, saying that he and Angela could manage a day without us. I was hoping it was the small nudge they needed to take things to the next level.

Edward was relaxing on the couch, but he was mad at me. It wasn’t anything new—any time I pointed out that he was pushing himself too hard, we’d argue. He was convinced that he was able to do things like he had before, and I knew better. Instead of telling him what to do—something his mother would have done—I pleaded with him to listen to me.

In the end, he caved and stayed home with me. That didn’t mean he was happy about it, though. His pouting on the couch was his way of showing that he didn’t agree but was humoring me anyway.

Just as I was going to lie down with him and try to alter his mood, a knock on the door interrupted my plans. I furrowed my brow and looked over at Edward, silently asking him if he knew who was at the door. He gave me a confused look, and I realized he was as clueless as I was.

I went to answer the door, and when I opened it, I saw Jasper standing on the other side. It honestly shocked me, because he was the last person I thought would show up. After he’d pretty much ignored Edward’s existence, I figured he was a lost cause.

Yet, there Jasper was, standing on my front porch and shivering from the cold outside. I shook myself out of my shock and motioned for him to come in. I was very curious to know why he was there.

Jasper walked inside and went over to the chair beside the couch. He sat down, and Edward sat up when he saw that his one-time best friend had come to visit.

“Hey, man,” Jasper said lamely.

“Hey,” Edward said, the shock in his voice hard to miss. “Not that I’m not happy to see you, but what the fuck are you doing here?”

 _Leave it to Edward to get right to the point_.

Jasper laughed nervously and rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah, well, I figured it was time to visit my boy.”

I had to suppress the urge to roll my eyes and flip him off over his choice to come and see Edward at that moment. He’d had plenty of opportunities when Edward had lived with his parents. Then again, I wondered if, maybe, that was the reason he’d waited. If you didn’t know them, Carlisle and Esme could be intimidating. I was only able to deal with them because I didn’t give a fuck about their opinions anymore.

“Oh,” Edward muttered, a frown on his face.

Jasper cleared his throat. “So, how have you been?”

“Okay, I guess,” Edward said, sitting back.

I joined Edward on the couch, placing myself right next to him. His arm came out and wrapped around my shoulders. I felt him squeeze my right one, and I melted into him. It was his way of telling me to let him handle things. I was more than happy to give him the reins, because I wanted to observe the situation.

Jasper tugged on his pants and sat back. “I saw Felix yesterday. I told him what happened to you, and he wanted me to tell you to come see him. He was kind of floored, and I think he wants to see you for himself.”

As Jasper said that, I wondered to myself who the fuck Felix was. I wracked my brain, and I couldn’t remember him ever mentioning that guy before. Turning my head, I looked at Edward and noticed he had a pissed-off expression on his face. That made me even more curious.

Edward blew out a harsh breath. “Thanks, but I don’t think I’ll be able to make it over there.”

“Why not?” Jasper asked with a perplexed look.

“You know why,” Edward said, giving a pointed glare.

I was starting to get pissed off. They were talking in code like they’d always done in the past, and it made me think of all the other times they’d said things that hadn’t made sense to me. Just how many people did my boyfriend know that I didn’t? It was obvious that Felix character was involved in drugs by the way Edward avoided elaborating any further. That fact made me nervous, because it meant Jasper might not have the most innocent reasons for being at our house.

“Yeah,” he said quickly, like he’d just understood that he wasn’t supposed to talk about that in front of me. “I’ll pass it on.”

“So, what have you been up to, Jasper?” I said, changing the subject before my foul mood got the best of me.

“Nothing, really. I’ve been spending time with Alice and trying to find a job.”

“That’s…nice,” I stated, not sure how to respond. I really didn’t want to talk about Alice, and he didn’t know, I was sure, about the store. And it wasn’t like I was going to offer him a job.

The easy friendship that Jasper and I’d once had was strained, and neither of us knew what to say to each other. So much had happened, and so many hurt feelings had transpired between us that Edward was not aware of—it was so awkward being around him without Alice, or the rest of Edward’s family, that I didn’t know what to say. It was apparent that he didn’t, either.

“Anything come out of it yet?” Edward asked, making me want to kiss him for taking over the conversation.

“Not yet. I’m still waiting for a few more places to get back with me,” Jasper admitted with a sigh.

The two of them launched into a discussion about other random things, and I sat back, listening carefully. I tried to figure out if Jasper had less than honorable intentions, and in all the time they talked, I couldn’t find a reason to think otherwise. It just seemed strange to me that, whether or not Jasper had felt uncomfortable going to Edward’s parents’ house, he’d waited until that moment to come over.

I was driving myself crazy trying to analyze every word that came out of Jasper’s mouth, so I excused myself, after asking if they wanted anything, to get something to drink. I needed to get away and collect myself for a couple of minutes before I made an ass out of myself.

Standing next to the sink, I drank a glass of water, hoping the liquid would help me calm down. It sucked that Jasper had become someone that irritated me, but it had been his own fault. After years of enabling Edward’s addiction, and then the shady way he’d acted at the hospital, how else was I supposed to react?

I grabbed a Coke out of the refrigerator for Edward and made sure to get one for Jasper, and then walked back toward the living room. The words I heard as I came to the doorway made me freeze.

“Look, I figured you could use this, so think of it as my gift to you,” Jasper said, his words hushed.

I peered around the corner, making sure to stay hidden, and saw the white pills lying on the coffee table. Edward was leaning over and sitting on the edge of the couch, looking at them. My first instinct was to run in there, flush them down the toilet, and kick Jasper out of the house for trying to entice Edward into using again. But I stayed where I was. I knew the choice to say no had to be Edward’s, or I would never know if he really would.

I remembered the conversation we’d had about his addictions, when he’d said he was finished with drugs. I’d believed him in that moment, but it was one thing for Edward to say he was finished when the temptation wasn’t there. It was another when it was staring him in the face.

Edward’s fists balled up against his thighs, and he looked like he was lost in his thoughts. Jasper, though, seemed to be oblivious to the struggle Edward was having and sat back, watching television. Staying where I was and not rushing in there to save the day was the hardest thing I’d ever done. But I knew it was best for Edward that I didn’t interfere, even if it was slowly killing me on the inside.

I watched as Edward scooted back and ran his hand over his face. “You need to get rid of them.”

Jasper’s head jerked toward Edward. “What? It’s cool, man. I’m not going to charge you for it.”

“You don’t understand,” Edward said, his words forceful. “I can’t have this shit. I promised Bella I wouldn’t do this anymore, and here you are shoving it in my face. Thanks…but no thanks.”

Jasper let out a chuckle. “Huh?”

“Bella will leave my ass if I take those,” Edward said, raising his voice and pointing to the two small pills.

“Alice told me the same thing.” Jasper admitted, shaking his head in amusement. “I even went to rehab for her and tried to get clean…tried so hard to stay sober…for her. You know what, man? She was all talk. She kept nagging about wanting to meet the people we used to hang out with, because she said she wanted to know everything about me. Well, the first time we went over to Felix’s crib so she could see, we both ended up getting high.”

I was stunned, to say the least. Perfect Alice who used to get in my face about my own drug use was smoking marijuana? Jasper’s confession pissed me off, because in all those times that she’d lectured me, she’d made me feel like shit for doing it. And, all of a sudden, it was supposed to be okay? It was clear that she had fallen into the trap that I’d once been in with Edward, and the only thing that she had to look forward to was pain and loneliness. If I thought she’d listen to me, I’d try to convince her to leave…or do something to convince Jasper to quit. However, I knew it was a lost cause. She wasn’t going to listen to me—in her eyes, I was the one who had turned her brother against her. I was the devil incarnate.

Tightening my hands around the still-cold cans, I pressed my lips together in a firm line. I could not believe what was happening in front of me. It seemed like something out of a bad movie. I set the cans behind me in the hallway to keep myself from dropping them and exposing my position.

“Please tell me you’re fucking with me right now,” Edward said through gritted teeth, “and my sister is not using.”

“Chill, Edward. It’s cool. It’s cool,” Jasper said, putting his hands out in surrender. “I swear, she’s only smoking pot. I won’t let her touch any of the heavier stuff. I don’t want her to end up like Jane.”

I heard Edward grunt in frustration.

“It’ll be like old times, only better. Alice and Bella can hang out now when we do things. Hell, we can take them with us, and they can stick together when we have to handle shit. You won’t have to worry about leaving your girl at home anymore. She’s not going to leave you. You know this, I know this, and she sure as hell knows this.”

His words made me want to fly into that room and kick his ass. _How dare he try to convince Edward I’d stay if he went back down that road?_ Motherfucker had no idea just how much Edward’s accident had affected me and what I was willing to do to keep him from going back to his old life.

“Get out,” Edward muttered, tugging on his hair.

“What?” Jasper asked, confused.

“Get the fuck out of my house!” Edward yelled, standing up.

“Whoa! Calm down,” Jasper said, standing and facing Edward.

Edward took a deep breath. “Listen to me and listen good. One—Alice has always been against drugs. I don’t know how you’ve convinced her otherwise, but I suggest you figure out a way to change her mind. You don’t want to do that to her… not really. Believe me when I tell you—you’ll end up destroying her, yourself, and your relationship. There’s no way it’ll end up any way other than completely fucked.

“And two—you have no idea what Bella will do. You weren’t there when she told me that she’s done with the old me. You didn’t see the look in her eye when she said it. I did, and it scared the shit out of me. That one look told me that she is not going to forgive me if I fuck up. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and if I take those fucking pills, it’s over. Bella will walk away from me, and I’ll be left with what? You? My sister? Fuck that.”

Jasper stared at Edward wide-eyed, stunned into silence. Edward was breathing heavily after his speech, and I was so proud of him. Any doubt that he wouldn’t be able to beat his addictions vanished. He’d stared his demons down and won. It took everything I had to stay where I was standing. I gripped the door frame to keep me there.

Edward picked up the pills and looked down at them for a few moments. Then, he threw them at Jasper. “Get this shit out of my house and get the fuck out. As far as I’m concerned, we’re finished. I can’t believe, after everything that’s happened, you’d have the balls to come into my home and try to tempt me.”

“Look, Edward. We’ve been friends for a long time—” Jasper said, bending down and picking up the white pills.

“It doesn’t matter. You crossed a line, man, and you can’t take it back. Leave before I throw you out,” Edward seethed, his biceps flexing.

“Whatever. Fuck you then. Don’t come crawling to me when you decide you can’t handle being sober, because I won’t help you out. Everyone will know what a punk you are, and you’ll be on your own.” Jasper looked Edward up and down with a sneer.

Edward stared Jasper down, and I was afraid that things were about to get physical. I took a couple of steps away from my hiding spot as Jasper walked to the door. He opened it and looked around one last time, noticing me and glaring my way, and then he stomped out, slamming the door behind him.

I jumped as the sound reverberated through the room. The last few moments had been surreal, and my mind was spinning in different directions. The one thing I’d never thought would happen, did. Edward ended his twenty plus year friendship with Jasper over me…and his unwillingness to go back to using drugs.

Shaking myself out of my thoughts, I saw Edward sitting on the couch again with his head in his hands. He looked upset, so I went over to him. I didn’t want him to feel that way, because he’d made the right decision…all on his own. What I wanted was for him to feel as proud of himself as I was in that moment.

“Are you okay?” I asked, wrapping my arm around his bicep and cuddling into his side.

“I almost ruined everything,” he confessed in a weak voice.

 “From where I was standing, you handled the situation pretty well,” I said as I laid my head on his shoulder.

“How much did you hear?” Edward asked, his voice shaking.

“Um, Jasper was talking about doing you a favor when I was coming out of the kitchen,” I muttered, turning my head toward him.

“Bella.” He let out a shuddering breath. “When he set those pills down, I almost grabbed them. But then I thought about what would happen if I did...”

Edward turned and stared into my eyes. “I can’t—I love you, Bella. I can’t imagine a life without you. Knowing that you’d leave—it’s what stopped me.”

I leaned into him and hugged him tightly. Even though I knew I would have left if things had gone the other way, I felt the same way he did. I couldn’t fathom what my life would be like without him in it, even when it had been a real possibility. The though made me sick.

“I’m so proud of you,” I praised softly. “I knew you could do it.”

Edward gave me a small smile. “I’m stronger than I thought.”

We spent the rest of the day talking about what had happened and what it meant for us. I was even more certain that any chance at reconciliation with Alice in the future was a lost cause. Because Edward ended his longtime friendship with Jasper, and because she was with him, it was obvious that she would choose Jasper over Edward. I was fine with it, because Edward didn’t seem to care. I didn’t either, but I was sad the possibility of what might have been had vanished.

Edward, though, had restored my faith in him and showed me that he was willing to do what it took to make our relationship work. I knew, because of his actions, I wasn’t the only one invested in us. I couldn’t have loved him any more than I did in that moment. 


	29. Underneath It All

June 17, 2004

The sun kissed my skin as I lay on the blanket with my eyes closed. The day had turned out to be perfect and was vastly different than the events that had unfolded exactly one year before; the events that had changed my life for better and worse; the events that almost took away the person who was the most important to me.

I had so much to be thankful for, though, and I tried to remember that when things were hard. Living with Edward, and caring for him, had not been easy. There had been many times where it probably would have saved my sanity and overall emotional health if I’d have taken his advice and left him. But even in those times, I still couldn’t picture my life without Edward. He was everything to me.

~.~.~.~

“Don’t go to sleep, or I’ll have to do dirty things to you to wake you up,” Edward whispered in my ear.

I tried to hide my smile but was unsuccessful. “I’m not going to sleep. The sun just feels good on my skin.”

“I love the warm weather,” Edward admitted with a chuckle.

“Knock it off, or I’m going to get the hose. We’re in public,” Emmett chastised loudly.

I opened my eyes and turned my head to watch as Angela smacked Emmett’s arm.

“Leave them alone. You could learn a thing or two about romance from your brother,” Angela admonished as she gave him a pointed look.

“You weren’t complaining last night,” Emmett said, wrapping his arm around her. “Besides, blue bell’s like a sister to me. I don’t need to see that shit.”

“And I need to see you maul Angela, who’s like a sister to me?” Edward countered with a raised eyebrow. “Double standards, brother, are not cool.”

Emmett shook his head and threw a roll at Edward. It bounced off of his chest, landing on the blanket a few inches away from his feet. Edward glared playfully at his brother.

“And people say that I’m childish,” Edward muttered in amusement.

The bond between Emmett, Angela, Edward, and I had gotten stronger as the months passed. A couple of weeks after the pet shop had opened, Emmett finally found his balls and asked Angela out. They ended up being the passionate, loving, and fun couple I’d predicted them to be.  I was happy for them, but I did end up losing the bet. It was worth it to see Emmett finally find someone worthy of him.

Edward’s family had been skeptical about Angela the first time they met her, but she’d handled that visit and every one after with grace. Angela didn’t let Esme’s or Carlisle’s attitude get to her. Instead, she was overly polite to them whenever we went for family gatherings. I was beginning to think that they only liked worthless people, because they had been nicer to Rose than they’d ever been to Angela or me.

Angela seemed to live by the phrase “kill them with kindness.” It drove Esme crazy, because she didn’t know how to deal with Angela. It was extremely amusing for Edward and me to watch.

We did see Alice and Jasper a few times after the blowout between him and Edward, but they tried to pretend we didn’t exist. The first time it happened, I wondered how Edward would take it—would it make him sad for his former best friend and estranged sister to act like he was invisible? Edward, though, dealt with it in a way only he could pull off. He talked to them the entire time they were there, and when they wouldn’t answer, he’d answer for them. He basically had a conversation with himself, and Esme acted like he’d finally lost his mind, but I knew he was just trying to be an ass and get on their nerves. The two of them ended up leaving when they realized that Edward wasn’t going to leave them alone. After that, Alice and Jasper only came to family gatherings when Edward and I getting ready to leave. I was sure Esme and Carlisle had arranged for us to come at different times.

 “Whatever,” Emmett said. “Anyway, why in the fuck are we having a picnic in your front yard? Aren’t you supposed to do this shit in the backyard or a park?”

I laughed as Angela glared at Emmett. He just gave her a “what” look and shrugged his shoulders.

“Because I wanted one here, Emmett,” I admitted, smiling as I sat up next to Edward. “Everyone goes to those places. No one I know has a picnic in their front yard. I wanted to be different.”

He shook his head at me. “Your woman is weird, Edward.”

“Don’t project your own shortcomings on my wife,” Edward said, pulling me into his side. “Just because you suck doesn’t mean everyone else does.”

I would never, ever get used to being called that. Once things had settled down after the grand opening of the store, Edward proposed to me one night. It wasn’t a grand event with candles, flowers, and fancy food. Instead, he’d blurted it out in between commercials as we were watching some show on the Food Network.

He’d said he loved me and didn’t deserve me, but he’d take a chance anyway, because he couldn’t picture his life without me. He didn’t even have a ring—like that mattered, though. I’d thrown my arms around him and said yes. The smile on his face when I pulled away could have lit up the sky.

We’d decided that we didn’t want a long, drawn out engagement. Edward and I knew better than anyone that life was short  and you had to live it to the fullest, so we planned to get married at the courthouse a week after the proposal.

When we shared the news with my dad and Sue, they were both happy for us. They were even more ecstatic when we asked them to be present during our nuptials. Even though I wasn’t going to have the traditional wedding where my father would be able to walk me down the aisle, I still wanted him to be there. They both agreed quickly.

My mom wasn’t able to make it, though. I’d called her and told her the news, but since she had a previous engagement she couldn’t get out of, she sent us her love and promised to visit soon. She still drove me nuts, but she was my mother. She had been there when I needed her the most, and I would forever be grateful for it.

Edward’s parents were an entirely different story—no surprise there. At first, they tried to talk us out of it. But after Edward told them that he was doing it with or without them, they changed their tune.

Esme decided in the time between the announcement and the ceremony that she needed to have a few _heart-to- heart_ talks with me. They consisted mostly of her telling me that she was passing on the responsibility of Edward to me. It pissed me off, because I’d been taking care of Edward since he’d left their house—not that he needed it most of the time. In the end, I let it go and just nodded my head. I was the last person that wanted anything bad to happen to him, and if it made Esme feel better to think she was giving me her permission, then I didn’t care. The people who mattered knew that we were marrying out of love and not obligation.

The light caught the gold ring on my left ring finger, causing me to look at it. The sight made me smile.

That day had truly been one of the best days of my life, because it felt like all the heartache and trauma we’d went through had been worth it to be where we were in that moment. When I said “I do,” Edward had never looked happier. I had known that, one day, Edward wanted to marry me. Back then, I didn’t think it was something I wanted, because my own parents had screwed their marriage up completely. However, after everything we’d been through, I knew we’d find a way to make it work. We’d been through too much to let anything come between us. The love we had for each other, and the bond we shared, was stronger than it’d ever been.

I felt Edward’s fingers running through my hair as he placed his lips against my ear and spoke softly. “What are you thinking about?”

“The day we were married,” I said quietly.

My answer must not have been quiet enough, because Emmett responded, “I still say I should have been able to throw rice at you.”

I gave Emmett an exasperated look. “You’re not allowed to throw rice at a couple anymore. If a bird eats it, they’ll blow up.”

Emmett laughed. “They do not.”

“Yes, they do, idiot,” I argued, leaning forward. “I saw it on TV somewhere.”

“You probably believe in Santa Claus and bigfoot, too,” Emmett taunted with playful eyes.

“Don’t make me put you two in time out,” Angela warned with a mock chastising look.

Edward placed his head in his hands and giggled. I nudged him with my shoulder, and he looked up at me as he tried to compose himself.

“I’m sorry,” he said through his laughter. “You should hear yourselves.”

“Laugh it up,” I said, shaking my head.

“So, are we going to Mom’s?” Emmett asked, changing the subject.

The mention of his mother made Edward sober up quickly. He cleared his throat and faced his brother.

“I hadn’t planned on it. I don’t want any drama today,” Edward answered as he picked up his drink, taking a big gulp.

“Fine with me. I just wanted to make sure. She called me last night and made a big deal about wanting us to come over. She kept going on and on about how we needed to spend today as a family,” Emmett stated with a grimace.

“Yeah, she called us, too,” Edward said with a sigh. “I told her _no_ , but she just kept rambling about it until I hung up on her.”

Edward had told me about Esme’s plan after he ended the call. She’d said she wanted a large family dinner so we could all celebrate the fact that Edward was still alive on the one year anniversary of his accident. The idea, in and of itself, was good. The fact that it was Edward’s mother that wanted to host it…not so much. I was pretty sure that, along with Carlisle, Alice and Jasper would have been there. It would make for an awkward and tense gathering, which was something that Edward didn’t need.

The picnic idea had been a last minute thing that Angela and I had thrown together. She and Emmett had planned on stopping by anyway, so we decided to eat outside and enjoy the fresh air. She’d brought some homemade potato salad that was to die for, rolls, baked beans, and an apple pie. I’d fried up some chicken, whipped up some mashed potatoes, and prepared some green beans. It turned out to be an excellent meal that we were trying to let digest as we talked.

~.~.~.~

As afternoon turned into evening, Emmett and Angela decided to call it a night with promises of hanging out later in the week. Edward helped me clean up the mess from our picnic, and then we carried it inside. After we’d put up the leftovers and washed the dishes, we settled in for the night.

“Have I told you today that I love you?” Edward asked as he turned off the lights.

“You did,” I said with a smile, following him to the bedroom. “And I love you, as well.”

We climbed into bed once we’d finished our nightly routine, and Edward pulled me into his side. I relished in the feel of his body next to mine, letting his heat comfort me. There was nothing better than cuddling with Edward before falling asleep. I looked up at him and smiled.

“What?” he whispered, grinning.

“Just wanted to look at your pretty face. You have a problem with that?” I muttered quietly.

“You’re the pretty one,” he said, running his finger down the side of my cheek.

“Smooth talker,” I murmured, laying my head against his shoulder.

“Why are we whispering?” Edward asked with a chuckle.

“I don’t know,” I said, furrowing my brow and looking into his eyes. “It just seemed like the thing to do since it’s dark.”

“I love how random you are sometimes,” he said, kissing me.

I melted as he pressed his lips harder against mine and ran the tip of his tongue against the crease of my mouth. He took advantage of the moan that escaped me to deepen our kiss, changing the mood from tranquil to lustful. The passion that was always simmering below the surface rose, and I grabbed the back of his neck, pulling him closer still.

He took my cue, and I felt his knee push between my thighs as he moved over me. The whisper of his body weight against my torso caused me to shiver. Edward pulled away from my mouth and grabbed the hem of my shirt, yanking it up.

“Take this off,” he panted, leaning up on his hands.

His words and hooded eyes made me comply, and not long after, we were naked and writhing against each other. I could feel that he wanted me against my leg, and the knowledge turned me on. He devoured my breasts with his mouth as I fisted the sheets beside my hips.

“No more foreplay,” I rasped as I squirmed underneath him. “Fuck me, Edward.”

A groan escaped his lips. “I want you on top. I need to see your tits bounce as you ride my cock.”

His dirty reply made me tingle, and I nodded my head in agreement. Edward flipped us, and I rose up on my knees, straddling his hips. His eyes were pleading as I teased his cock with my opening.

“Fuck, baby,” he moaned.

“Do you want me?” I asked, taunting him.

“Yes,” he said, gasping for air.

I grasped him tightly and slammed down on his cock. His back arched in pleasure, pushing himself all the way to the hilt.

“Goddamn!” he yelled with a needy groan.

I set a hurried pace, moving up and down. Edward grabbed my hips tightly, pinching the skin, and the pain from his rough touch made my pleasure spike. I threw my head back and moaned, clutching his forearms. My thoughts were incoherent as the bliss spread throughout my body. I could feel the familiar tightening, signaling my release. Reaching down with one hand, I ran my finger over my clit, trying to push myself over the edge.

Edward’s eyes were fixed on my hand as I quickened the pace of my fingers, letting out a quiet _fuck_. My eyes closed, and I screamed as my orgasm gripped me with surprising force. With my vision blurred, I felt the almost painful ecstasy come to a crescendo, and then wane, leaving me panting and breathless.

Locking my gaze on Edward, I watched as he thrust up furiously with his head thrown back. His face was pinched, and his mouth was open. I picked up the speed, grinding my hips into his.

“Fuck…your pussy…I can’t,” Edward gritted through his teeth.

He began to shake underneath me, and a high-pitched wail erupted from him. Edward’s face contorted, and his eyes fluttered shut as he found his own pleasure. Watching Edward come was the most beautiful sight I’d ever seen, losing himself in the sensations and not caring about anything else.

I leaned forward, keeping my eye on him. “You still with me?”

“Yeah,” he said, breathing heavy and rubbing his hands over my thighs.

Kissing him lightly, I moved off of his hips and fell onto the mattress beside him. I reached over the bed and grabbed a shirt off of the floor. The one thing I hated about sex without a condom was the mess it created, but since we were married, and I was on birth control, it had become a necessary evil. Edward refused to use condoms after we’d tied the knot, saying that, as my husband, it was his right to come inside of me.

The man was a cheeky bastard, but it was one of the reasons why I loved him.

Once I’d cleaned up, I handed him the piece of clothing so he could do the same. Cuddling into his side, I saw him fling the used shirt onto the floor. He wrapped his arms around my torso and squeezed me.

“I’m fucking hungry,” he said out of nowhere.

“Really?” I asked, resting my chin on his chest.

“Yes, really,” he said with a snort. “I used up a lot of energy, and I need to replenish. You wear me out, baby.”

I got up and went over to the dresser, taking out one of Edward’s shirts. Since we’d still be in the house, I didn’t see the need to be fully dressed. As I slipped it on, he stood and pulled his boxers up. With a sly grin, he walked toward me. I laced my fingers through his, and we walked toward the kitchen.

Taking a few moments to look around, I decided to make some simple nachos. Cheese sounded good right about then, and Edward didn’t care. He just wanted something warm.

I put some nacho cheese into a sauce pan, and as it was heating up, I placed some tortilla chips onto a plate. Edward busied himself with getting some drinks. The scene was oddly domestic and nice, and it never ceased to amaze me how far we’d come.

Once it was finished, we sat on stools at the breakfast bar and hovered over our not-quite-midnight snack—since it was 11:30 at night. In that moment, everything seemed to fall into place. Edward and I had been through hell and back to get where we were—where something as simple as sharing a plate of food after sex meant more than any grand gesture ever could.

I had also grown from the experiences I’d lived through. Who I had been then and who I had become were two completely different people. I’d been a scared girl who had second guessed her decision to leave a toxic relationship, terrified that her actions had been the catalyst for the series of events that followed.

 _Brain injury_.

 _Surgery_.

 _Coma_.

 _Knocking on death’s door_.

No matter how much time passed, it was hard for me to remember the day he almost died.

But it hadn’t been all bad, because that traumatic experience had been what led us to the place we were at right then. Through all of the pain, tears, and trying not to hope, we’d survived and come out better than we’d ever been—even with all the problems Edward still faced.

 It was hard to not be optimistic for our future, because for the first time, I actually felt like we had one. Gone was the uncertainty, mistrust, pain, and deceit of the past, and it was replaced with a hope that I’d never imagined. The possibility of a real family—including children—was something I was starting to entertain. We’d talked about it, and while we weren’t quite ready, we both knew it was something that could happen. Our relationship was stronger, and Edward was clean…two things that made that idea more plausible.

Edward and I still had a long way to go, especially with his limitations. He was getting stronger and better every day, though, so I knew he’d be able to overcome them in his own way in time.

The one thing I was sure of was that Edward was my forever, and I was his. I’d promised him forever once upon a time when we were still kids. Back then, I didn’t know what a promise like that meant. Through the trials and tribulations of the past few years, I finally got it.

Promising forever to the one you love meant that through good times and bad, heartache and laughter, and joy and sorrow, you stood by them. I’d made the decision on the day that my life changed that I wasn’t going to walk away, that I was going to be there for Edward no matter what.

So, yes, I’d promised him forever. And forever was a promise I intended to keep. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to PTB for all their hard beta work on this chapter, and to dinx for helping me with few tweeks. Also, Mizzdee did a wonderful job with beta/prereading this chapter for me. I cannot express how much their help means to me with mere words.


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